Life's Prison: the Wrong Turn

The man who he should be, who he should not be? One righteous confession to the officer brings one into discharge and thus a life of a convict ahead. 90 grands of free ride ticket to the highest of all institutions...a structural engineer who owes his brother the sum which he thought he deserves it all the while?

Well, Prison Break got me grounded these few days. First is the structural engineer's charisma, that I have to agree. Second would be the way they narrate the stories of how a truthful, righteous man turn a single wrong corner, and ended up in Fox River Penitentiary.

Mind it. I have been starting to think about this these few days when I sat down before my comp to watch Prison Break. What would happen to me if one day I were to make the choice that possibly could make me go into the state I never want it to be? I mean if I were jailed for a rightful reason or whatsoever, what will become of my life? More importantly, what would become of my family members?

Michael Scofield has all the blueprints on his body. Even a genius who has low latent reception got overwhelmed by uncertainties. I guess that works in line with life too. Nobody could live life as the way they print it to be. It never will.

Well, I guess the last step I could take when I took a wrong turn is: Do what I feel is best and right to me and the people I am responsible for. But prevention is always better than cure. I just have to mind every step I take and every word I mutter, so that I really mean what I am doing and saying before that little step brought me into the deep mess of wrong turn consequences that I ever have to face.

Hope this will serve as a warning to myself. Let's get it implanted into my head before I wrap myself into my blankets tonight.

Engineers

Three things, might be all, might be none, might be both of them or might be one of them:

1) Alcohol;
2) Coffee;
3) Cigarette

Oops. I heard from wei zhi that he had one more: potato chips. lol.

These things are those which accompany most of the engineers and engineers-to-be every night when they are designing and solving problems.

Well, I admit it, it's fun though. It's like burning your life, and you feel contented with it.

Since when those two become my partners in handling problems? Well, haha, it's life. I guess I'm finally becoming one of those adults in the anime or movie or whatsoever, without realising it. Really, I have no intention of trailing those 'typical' habits. But just, it's stress relieving.

Let's burn this night through with beer. Cheers!

Equilibrium

Always it's a question about equilibrium. No matter in structural analysis or studies or relationship.

Another student in my uni committed suicide. It is indeed very sad to see someone took his own life away like that, at a price that no one would be able to bid for. Every student in my uni is excellent. Losing any will cost a great loss to the world, of course.

Well as I am holding a scholarship to study now I understand the stress that guy was undergoing perfectly. It is, indeed, very very very stressful. Especially this semester. Calculations are becoming chaotic, plus I have a LDR to maintain.

Let's see where the path will guide me. Anyhow, I hold on strongly to my beliefs, my efforts and my relationship.

May that be the same with everyone of you out there, my blessed friends. Let's make it through together, all out, but not at the cost of our own lives. Every step of ours counts, so does every breath of ours. Amitabha. Be happy. Be strong. Be confident. Believe, or perish.

KNNABCCB

KNNABCCB!!! CCB!!!!!! TWO MIDDLE FINGERS UP!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCB!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

KNNABCCB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KNNABCCCCCCB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

每一天都是新的练习

今天大扫除，加上第一次成功收到阿甄的歌，又找到也成功地download到了Darker than Black的原声带，虽然书没读多少，可是收获却很大。

一直以来在自己的房间住都有种不自在的感觉，大扫除完后感觉不同了。东西放在那里自己有个分寸，终于有种家的感觉，自己习惯自己存在的所在，也有种安定下来的感觉。

听着阿甄的歌，听着听着自己也跟着旋律泛起了一阵淡淡的伤感。对的，每天都是新的练习，要以今天换走昨天的过去。我的期中考有一科考得他妈的像屎一样，其他的科目在mean之上，但是也是不高不矮，他妈的什么成绩。阿甄说得对，选择了爱情，说怎样情绪上与生活上的调整是一定有的，需要的是我们两个把这些影响控制到怎样的程度而已。

今天是新的开始。好的开始。有一种感觉说我从现在开始会得心应手，也会开始幸运。就算不是，也要酱告诉自己。唯有正面的想法会引导我们走向正面的人生。

Youko Kanno的jazz深深地抓住了我。在她的音乐中我找到感触，random的想法及突然爆发的愁绪与伤感。第一次爱上jazz，不是故意的去听与尝试去喜欢，而是不知不觉地被Darker than black的故事与节奏俘虏去了。说起来，Darker than black是一部陪我走过有一段日子的动画。第一集，我还记得是在SU看的，那时大概深夜三点多吧。莫名其妙的在等死亡笔记的download时发现了这部动画的名字怪有感觉的，就下载了一集来看，一看就喜欢上了。我还有一个深深的印象，那几个我在追Darker than black前几集的晚上我都是在SU的房里，都是在深夜；也是我第一次与阿甄真正聊天而在彼此心目中留下了幽默谈话内容的几晚。Darker than black的故事与其意义，音乐，还有每次在深夜看完后与阿甄的聊天在这近半年以来可以说令到我的生活有了几乎180度的转变：从苦恋到热恋，从孤独奋战到拥有彼此，从旧的梦想到新的里程碑，还有无数生活细节上的改变，一言难尽。

故事的主人翁到最后选择了契约者的能力与正常人的情绪的并存。这个选择是无比的痛苦与残忍的，因为两者一开始就不能并存。这条路一选下去就有无数难以意料的后果。可是主人翁说：我决定了。从今天开始我不再是以前的我了。然后他就隐埋闹市，遁逃尘间。

我何尝不是一样。选择了学业和远距离恋爱。两者一直以来都很少并存的例子，况且自己的学业又非常地不轻松，现在肩上又负上了一个重担，随时会吃不过力来。

在Youko Kanno的音乐里游思的刹那，我慢慢的进入了‘黑‘的世界。一段时间后恍然，轻轻地告诉自己：从今天开始我不再是以前的我了。

你可以选择不叫我义龙，我真的不怎么理会。我现在的存在是一种全然的蜕新。我的生活是全然另一套法则了。

每一天都是新的练习，锻炼自己，建立新的人生与世界。我是否与'黑‘一样会走到尽头，那得靠自己的斗志了。当然，还有不断地相信自己的运气常伴身旁。相信。

曾几何时我也变成了契约者了。好，契约者有的就是理智。

Darkness, and Rain

The tunes brought forth the feelings of yesterday, now and tomorrow. What if we don't have what we had yesterday and what we gonna have the next second?

I still remember what I told wei zhi: Every person lives with an ultimate dream to achieve, but at the same time also living towards the ultimate goal of having no dream at all.

No matter whatever will the weather be in the next minute, my world is raining. Drops of jupiter in the first minute; tears in the next, following with laughters of satisfaction. A loop, slowly converging with age.

Hong Kong rained a few hours back. I still have a chance to beg for a clear blue sky at 10 am later. What's best will come on its own. I'm taking exam as how my destiny take me as who I am before, now and after.

Dreams dream a dream of my dream. Illusion? Nay. It's just you, it's just me, it's just whoever that might be.

钟声

今天，我开始沉淀：需要严肃，需要严谨，需要次序。

周杰伦的钢琴停留在他不可说的秘密里；

冷咖啡。。。我不喝咖啡。倒有喝啤酒。渐渐温了的啤酒，在它的气泡随空气而消失时，我突然惊恐，自己迷糊地过了多少时间。

要我怎么捡；唯有从零开始的脚步。啤酒离开了杯垫，我依然留在我的桌上，揣摩公式。今天，我要爆发。

现在。

Do you have a death note?

Does any of you have death note? If you happen to have one, please write my name down on it and let me die cause sooner or later I will have a heart attack anyway. Please do ease my pain.

For illustration purposes,
Oct 09, Tuesday - ielm homework submission
Oct 11, Thursday - civl242 homework submission
Oct 17, Wednesday - civl231 quiz
Oct 18, Thursday - civl231 midterm
Oct 18, Thursday - civl242 homework submission
Oct 19, Friday - civl270 lab report submission
Oct 20, Saturday - civl242 midterm
Oct 20, Saturday - civl270 field trip (12.00 noon to 9 pm)
Oct 22, Monday - econ110 midterm
Oct 22, Monday - research topic presentation
Oct 25, Thursday - civl242 homework submission
Oct 29, Monday - sosc324 midterm
Oct 30, Tuesday - civl253 midterm
Oct 31, Wednesday - ielm202 midterm

Let's face it. I still have at least 3 sets of homeworks unannounced which will come in between. At least two more sosc324 labs come in between. At least one final project of sosc324 will commence about Oct 31. And for god's sake I just completed a 27 pages research paper. Also, for god's mercy, my scholarship hasn't arrived and I am having in average one meal per day.

Kira, please. Do the honor before the torturing.

Come October

Come October and the seasonal wind in Hong Kong reminds me of the its renewed strength. On the way back from Taiwan to Hong Kong the plane shook tremendously. At a fraction of second I nearly thought I would have been in heaven. Well, at least it's not a bad feeling. Kinda more like philosophical thinking.

Come October and here I am, officially back in Hong Kong for a month. 2 months and 18 days I will be back in Penang again, having the time of my life. Travel makes people sick. And I kinda sick of travelling. But then inexplicably sometimes travelling does push the better part of me towards another height. In Hong Kong Lantau airport yesterday night I was caught by the mere thought of going beyond myself. The very promise I made a year ago.

My friends, I understand that all of us has started to get a life of our own. But when you feel lonely and sat down in front of the computer and read my post, you should know that I thought of you guys too at this moment. No worries. One day we will re-unite again, and back to that good old days of ours. Only that this time the new hope lies in the future. May all of you stay healthy always and happy at heart.

Come October and it's time to settle down. Here we go. The tightrope walker has another mission to accomplish, again. Just that this time the rope has shrunk even more. Let's see what will the strong wind of Hong Kong do to me this time. May God and pei zhen be with me.

Come October, and it's showtime.

天边

连线很差，加上自己莫名其妙的感到情绪化...也许今晚自己有些不了解为什么自己会这样。那我就一面写一面理一理思绪吧。

一个人的情绪与责任，我突然觉得有时是些许相关的。刚才闷了一顿气，加上在感冒，老是抽鼻涕的，登时有些昏厥的症象。时而连线，时而断线的，自己忽然发现自己什么都没有。就一部简简单单的操作器和软件在决定自己与世界的接触与横联。忽然之间自己很想静一静，重拾自己的心情。

病了，东西还有整堆等着自己。睡过头，醉生梦死一般；呆在房里全力支持女友考试，自己却病得要垮了。真实的太阳来到香港后没看过几次。External hdd坏了，照片全没了，最怀念的地方与朋友近况的相片全都没有。离开了槟城，离开了老妈，离开了女友；我开始在想自己是不是只是一个浪子。在马来西亚呆着，自己却又不想。老想闯荡世界，浪迹江湖。太想和人讲话，好友们却全都见不到彼此，女友只剩下声音在我耳边荡漾。有种失去重心的感觉，见不到人，摸不着影，拥有一切却又没有拥有过。

有种乱世浮生的感觉。这个时候，我像一个旁观者，在看着自己过着如此这般萎靡的生活。

我觉得自己是需要全力投入于工作了。在香港，我除了拥有好友们在msn上的文字还有女朋友的声音，我只剩下自己的身子，双手和脑袋了。只有投入才能忘记一些杂七杂八的思绪。是这样的吗？

可能我不需要什么贵重的东西安慰自己。我老爸买了这么多东西，可是感情上有一个很大的洞永远无法以财物弥补。我无法常常快乐，因为我有时需要悲伤来提醒自己在一个弱肉强食的环境里苟且偷生。我需要的也许不是令我快乐的笑话，那些笑话我多得是。我需要的是你和我说你会陪着我，你不会离弃我，无论风风雨雨你依然在我身边支持我。那已经非常足够了。

我的牙龈突然流血了。

仔细的舔着它，轻轻地感觉着自己的血。很陌生吧。竟然忘了自己会流血。

头发又长了，明天还有很多事情要做，突然很疲累。不是压力。我觉得会这样，如果没错应该是自己什么都没干到的原因吧。没灯的公用厅可以瞭望到远边的海。有一种安详的宁静。我仿佛听到去年海浪向我呼唤的声音：醒了喂，向前走，不然就会被浪打翻在后头。

一半的灵魂已经在沙滩上缺氧了。我必须归向大海。我必须开始像个小海龟一样努力的向生存地爬去。我感觉到窒息了。我忍受不了自己。我太懦弱了，什么都不曾做好过。这个学期，打从这个时刻，我要奔向天边的太阳，不懈的。

我的使命在自己手中。把握，或失去。我有自由选择，我却没权利对自己与心爱的人不负责任。

天边之外还有天边；天边无止无境。心内若是怀不下努力的天空，我将看到的莫过于是黄昏的临界。跑，要跑。我要追回早晨的天边。

现在凌晨一点二十分。热滚滚的太阳在呼唤我了。给自己加把劲！我的太阳，我的山边的小家园，我爽朗的老妈，我温柔可馨的妻儿子女。简单的梦，坚辛的汗水。

True; Love

I found it, after a long toil. At least, finally I know what true love is.

True love starts with the word 'true', which in another words, 'honesty' is the most important and exceeds above all the others. 'Love' comes next as to speak.

We started it off with a spark of coincidence, but got so fortunate because both of us had been hurt so much in our past relationships, we come to realize honesty is the key to start things correctly. We tell each other everything along the way as we get to know each other more. We learn everything about each other's life before we meet up. Even the darkest secret.

The rest just comes easily when we meet up. So natural that our dates were like those long lost feelings being laid afresh in front of us again. We dated like we had dated a thousand times before. Things were so familiar: feelings; understanding; sweetness.

I guess I have finally found my other half. I feel myself complete when we join hands and promise to walk together in our future. Every moment, now and then, feels more than perfect. I never know true love is something so simple and beautiful.

I love you, Pei Zhen.

Darker, and deeper than black

Tracing my own steps back to the deepest of my mind, I think I saw an illusion. Or was it that I had been living in illusion?

Under the moonlight, I was dreaming of a land full of butterflies and primitive house, with a meadow of soft grasses and dark heaven; then i stumbled upon a ripple of water, resonating within the forged image.

Someone is calling out my name in a faraway land.

Am I the son of loneliness and endless travel? Am I the prisoner of an infinite loop of lone affection? While I myself am searching within my own soul, a song which is strange to me but yet so familiar is starting to play. First far in the mountain, now vibrating just inches from my ears.

The secret is beginning to disclose itself. Tonight, the sky is darker than black. Finally, I get to see the real heaven without the pollution of artificial lights.

Soul will rise, Close your eyes
Downfallen (Fallen) Falling
Give me sight to see inside
I’m calling

Say it isn't so

Watched episode 7 of One tree hill season 2 just now. Things finally settled. Staying in the wonders of summer doesn't mean relaxation and fun. Rather work and anxiety are the usual partners i live with, and the feeling of being far away from my pals too.

"Look at this," Karen paused, a little nervous. "Does this picture ever look right to you?"

Andy lifted his eyebrow, turned around and looked into the mirror with Karen. "Yeap, absolutely." he did not hesitate.

Then he turned around, took a step towards Karen, and looked into her eyes deeply. "The question is, does it feel right?"

Yeap, I am alright. Don't worry about me. I m quite busy lately but everything is okay. You take care with everything too. Don't overwork yourself.

Last night a storm hit Hong Kong. The lightning was so near us and the thunder was scary. When a shine of blue jump across the mirrors in the common room, a hallmate asked: You shot a photo?

Haha, I laughed. Wonder why it's so dry this summer. It used to wet and humid.

When I am closer to my goals and achievements, I feel sadder and sadder. This feeling...that I am losing something. Something that once I am confident that I have it in my hands. Perhaps bird is right. I have to be ready myself that I will lose it anytime from now. I look at the two jetpads lying under my table, waiting for me to put them on. The time shuttle is not waiting. Rather, it doesn't even care to warn me. Time's up, and it will take off, with or without me on board.

Andy then kissed Karen. A short kiss. Karen was a little shocked herself, then she smiled. "And that feels right."

I am already at the end of it, almost. The fuel cell is running dry and I don't have any charger to charge it again. My wings are calling me, urging me on every day. They are beginning to get irritated. Looking at the photos of a totally different culture which she sat before, smirking, the pain gushed in again. I feel like dying.

Yeap, I am alright. Don't worry about me. I m quite busy lately but everything is okay. You take care with everything too. Don't overwork yourself.

p/s: repeat the last paragraph endlessly, till you are irritated and grew tired of it. thank you.

This is what brings us on

Haha guys, thought i told u all i gonna update only after 1st week of june...but after i read xinch's and bak kim's latest posts, i then realize how much had we gone through since we left our home and live on our own.

last year during fall semester i kept doubting myself but going through a lot of things at last. a lot of 'first time's, and a lot of tears and fun too. boredom haunts us all the while tho we haf new friends. the usual circle is always warmer. reading books like murakami's and movies like 'spirited away' in foreign land make me think of home, of old friends and old habits. especially murakami's. his novels describing loneliness and travelling fit my situation the best. reading backpackers' travelogue brings me a strange feeling of being a wanderer who left his home for a long, long, long, long time. thus i brought myself to backpack to taiwan. and i m planning my next stop to be cambodia, thailand and vietnam. things are getting a lot different for everyone of us. we are curious about everything new. and we're getting older.

guys and girls, time is what we have at this time. burn it, with passion, with your dreams and endless fight of yours to bring them to reality. things are new, the place is new, people are different and the food is strange, but deep inside we know that we are getting closer to who we wanna be. mind that direction. we're on the path. we're on the ride. my winamp is playing james blunt's 'high'. Getting high...running wild among all the stars above; Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

thanks for still remembering my presence, my old friends. of course, i remember you guys too, just like yesterday. This, is what brings us on.

Ode to the Lonely Nights

If I ever knew something
I bet it will be the anticipation of pain;
Of sorrow; and of helplessness,
that I trapped myself within.


Entangled, I face the darkness alone,
With warm water raining down on me, the tiny little
prickling sensation I say, was all I need
To tread this road of solitary affection
The shy, avoiding voice thousand of miles away
swaying, or far away it is
helps cradling the flame within my soul
though the mere thought to catch that familiar vibration
sends me to near annihilation every night
yet when I am yearning for it
I feel myself alive
A single fleeting moment
enough to redeem the endless hours of suffocation

Tagged!! About the weird me

Hello guys it may seems to be a weird post coz i din even talk about how my exams go or how my visit to Taiwan has been~~haha, that's becoz now that i m back in my uni, i m entering the final 5 weeks of my semester...this means ultimate stressful preparation of final exam, assignments, and lab reports. Plus i m entering a contest of civil engineering design, so guys, prepare not to see me online for a month ++. Well, i mean u will not see me frequently. so i guess i just do this tag xinch asked me to first...lolz...all right, here it goes:


Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

1. I love pain

• Pain keeps me going. Pain of muscles when running after 2 to 3 hours don't make me stop but rather i love the sensation of it. I will do it until i feel satisfied of the amount of pain i am feeling. (yeap, walking and writing too...)
  
• The pain of not able to sleep well for a few days because i need to rush assignments or study or any extreme workload gets me hyper. I get more encouraged, and more than that, i m enjoying. I am a helpless workaholic. (note: i din learn this from naruto)
• When i run over tables or chairs or sharp edges while i m walking/fighting/rushing, of course i feel the gush of pain, but u dun see me cry in pain because i actually like the feel of it. More pain = more joy. (note: i dun like pain in sex. Sex is about comfort and love. i m not a sadist/machoist)

2. I love darkness

• Haha...actually nobody knows this. I think wei zhi oso dunno this. I really like darkness. I used to fear about darkness when i was a child, but after i grew up, i happen to like darkness. Showering in the dark, pangsai in the dark, everything except reading and doing work.
• that's why when ppl play prank like switching the bathroom light off when i am showering or pangsai, i got excited other than scared. In the dark, i can think more sharply. That's why i can shower in the dark for 3 to 4 hours sometimes.

3. I imagine myself being blind

• I dunno why. Maybe my parents always tell me to not read that much becoz my vision is already very serious. I always imagine myself blind and how helpless will i be. But after i face that fear, i m able to live in darkness. Maybe that's why i like darkness too.

4. A too-fresh-to-be-true memory

• what i learn of myself is, after i start to know and understand things around me, i could remember those little little detail things very well. Some i will forget. And last time xinch told me that i have the denial-forgetting syndrome then i get to realize sometimes i do have a 'bad memory' becoz i 'wanted myself to'.
• But other than that, a lot of detailed features that i captured accidentally in my life, i could remember them well to the very last part.
• This includes what ppl do to me. Yeap i do remember grudges 'extremely well' but i always think myself over it. That's how i obtain my philosophy in life.

5. Unpredictable actions

• Yeah u name it. I plan things-to-do-today but often i get myself to take some surprise route to do something other ppl said crazy. Like when i got back to home at 4 after talk cock with frens at mamak and showered and prepared to sleep, suddenly i feel like driving to air hitam for cyber-cafeing, i will give it a go.
• I always allow unpredicted things to take the path when they come upon me. And i always wanted to try it out. Of course, i judge based off my instinct. Strange huh.

6. Tahan berak

• Yeap this is really damn stupid. But when i m about to pangsai, i like to tahan for a long time. Sometimes one hour. U might said that the feel will go away. But i won't let it go away. The way i do it is i stand and walk around so the berak is still there forcing its way out. Then i just keep standing and walking, feeling the sensation of shivering and 'stim' until i feel that "okay, can berak d".

7. Depressing stuff

• haha it sounds like xinch. it's true. when i see something emo, i tend to play the emo scene over and over my head, make myself cry/sob/absolutely emo for as long as i could. Sometimes the period can span more than a few years.
• and those sad books, songs, sad movies, sad dramas, sad animes and many other, i will try my best to keep a copy for myself so that i can watch over and over again just to get myself emo.
• the more it touches me, the more i enjoy it.

8. I can't stand ppl who only thinks for themselves

• i couldn't deny the fact that we, as human, always think of ourselves most of the time. but i really can't stand those ppl who didn't even consider other ppl punya feeling/didn't think for others and feel so 'right' over it.
• This also applies to those really childish ppl.

9. Indirect vengeance

• Woo...i only found that i haf this inside me after i came to hk. when someone/something really pissed me off, i will choose one of thse two stances: one, to communicate with that person and settle it; two, to keep quiet. if i choose the second stance, i will 'unconsciously' do a lot of things that indirectly
  'pay-back' that person for what he/she did to me without i knowing it myself.
• and i got hyper when i see that person suffers, altho i dun even know it's from me myself.
• when i realize it's me who actually been behind these, i get depressed. then i tell myself to think over it. then i got quiet for a few days, think it through and settle it then. but some 'really-pissed-me-off' ppl....i still can't control my 'indirect vengeance' instinct now.

10. I talk to myself

• i like to talk to myself when there're things that i can't solve. i will keep whispering to myself, either vocally or in undertone.
• i can imagine myself standing in front me talking to me. can actually stare at that person for a few hours until things are settled.
• oh yeah, when i think about things, i imagine it. and i can see it in front of me, visualizing itself. it's weird or not i dunno. I can link things like those touch screen computer programmes u see in sci-fi movies by moving my eyes from here to there becoz those things i imagine are floating in the air in front of me.
• when i talk to myself, those words form into a cloud like what we call 'words document'. only that i dunnit to open it. when i look at it, i straight know everything of it. often when i talk to myself, i will sort those thoughts into different clouds, and put them there when i need to make a conclusion.
• when ppl talk to me, i will form the clouds too. that's why i can remember what ppl said easily. i just 'record' them in front of my eyes.

I tag:

Dan the bird in Perth. (oi update ur blog la)
wenying the housefly in England.
caryn the 'gym' fish
june the dentist
and whoever feels like doing it for fun.
(sam, i wanna tag u but i think ur blog is unofficially dead d....haih...but please do this tag if u happened to read this post ;D )

Fall to Pieces

Since when i start to believe in pure love? i dunno. maybe it's there when i first saw those eyes. i never believe in a long-lasting love before i actually look into those eyes deeply. Ever since that, i have been living in a slower timeframe; i have been in love.

I pray that these feelings will be experienced by every other ppl in this world too. It's not strong, it's not passionate and it's not possesive. It's like a serene stream of river, flowing at a peaceful pace, and lighten up my life.

No matter where i went; no matter how the starlights shine, this particular piece, the purest of feelings, move me along. And all along, whenever i fall to pieces, i know it the best, there'll always be a warm feeling inside to pick me up.

Here, i walk on.

(video cuts from movie "A walk to remember".)

忆月如

看完了"仙剑奇侠传"，始终迟迟不能不回头重温林月如的种种。我们何尝不是别人的另一个月如？今天风紧夜冻，愁绪袭来，我也差点忘了，我曾经会哭。

红颜如月有圆缺，
君名逍遥莫悲切。
昨日总总心深种，
他夜梦里现芳踪。

放下

Long after things been not going the way they are, we start to question ourselves: why? then we give ourselves some reasons which back us up for the decision we made to stray away from what we had waited all along.

Then, one day when we think of it, we regret. Those reasons collapse. It's because there're no such reasons exist in our world. The fact is the fact itself, as the situation is the situation itself.

As what the title means, what we have to do is actually to put it down. It seems easy but actually it's the hardest thing. It's not about being a taoist or buddhist or sth. It's very simple. Forgive everyone, and the most important thing is, forgive urself. To forgive is not to give the reason to urself that what is to blame and what is to not do...it means u can finally face the situation and the fact as the way they are from the very start. You feel the peace, and ur eyesight has opened up a land beyond ur imagination. And then you are able to put it down, then convey the true meaning of ur feelings with a peaceful tone.

Yup, as you bet...finally i m able to do it. After been through this much and after i watched 仙剑奇侠传, i started to realize things as the way they naturally are.

I do get emotional but the fluctuation has stopped. I can, i could say, face things as the way they are. It's the power of being able to 放下. I sincerely hope that you guys could understand my feelings one day. When you do, please share with me. I am more than happy to talk. ;-)

哀愁，淡淡的

after watching a few episodes of ‘仙剑奇侠传', though there were a lot really childish-like kungfu stunts and characters, but still i give it a good-rating when i heard its ending song by Power Station.

These few days i was engulfed in a state of mild sadness, so mild that sometimes you couldn't even hear it, but then when i close my eyes: here it is. i can touch it with my both hands. i hold it dearly. it has been ages i din feel like this. the last time is in form six, especially in upper six, when things are so unpredictable and my heart is emptied of all feelings but those for her.

命中注定
没有你的未来
莫失莫忘渐渐消失的空白

什么都别说
我不想懂
至少我还拥有
美丽的梦

什么都别说
我真的不想懂

Tonight, the sky is so clear; the wind so strong; the air so cold. I am miles away from my home, from her. Maybe, we're just moments away.

游子

Oh my, i dunno how to say this but i miss home dearly!! I never miss Penang that much, that i could assure myself of. This dear feeling of missing home hurts so much deep down inside until i could actually feel the gush of tears and pain in my chest. Why am I not in my home celebrating chinese new year as always? Why I didn't get to see my parents at home at the first day of the new year? Why i didn't get to sit down in front of the tv, watching chinese new year special blockbuster while chewing new year food and browsing my eyes through a book i newly acquired?

The presence of my mum beside me while i am busy studying, reading books, resting after work, and thousands of conversations that I had with her when both of us are alone and are into talking...we talk about lives, about girls i date, about the future i want, about her singing her favourite songs, about her tiredness after work, about my griefs and her sorrows, about our dog Lucky who got so naughty and sick these days, about housechores that I wanna help out on, about going to some places we really wanna go together, about hanging out with her friends....; the mere feeling of my sofa when I glide my hand on it, it reminds me of my dear living room where I spent living 70% of my life; the huge standing fan which cools me whenever i feel too hot in the middle of the day after finish playing some games or reading some books; the dvd-player i bought which played me thousands of songs touching my soul and movies and dramas that awed me deeply; my dear computer which played me hundreds of anime episodes and fill my free time chatting with ppl while i feel lonely; my old dear Datsun PN 406 which I drove so often to sch, mamak stall and hundreds of place to hang out with friends and or by myself; my little cruising saga PCA 3312 which i drove to fetch girls i m dating with, and of course, to court her out on dates which i am so anticipated of; my dear bed which I spent my time sleeping, reading and thinking about things in life; my bathroom which i used to shower in the dark night while shutting off all the lights, focusing myself fully on my sensitive side and my doings in life; the little lane beside my house that i used to trail my thoughts and play some wild-goose-chase with my dog; the wall separating our yard from our neighbour's which i used to climb when i had some thoughts playing; the old road to botanical garden which i used to jog once or twice in a week when i m in need of exercise and self-motivation; the little field of grass beside my yard which i love to trim when i feel like moving my bones; the dishes that i do everytime i finish my dinner late...since i m the one who finish late all the while; the air vent which i like so much that i release it down whenever i feel the sunlight is not scorching enough to burn my skin while basking under it; the ang kong i used to pray to whenever i walk past them in my house...all these stuff, i miss them so much until i can actually visualize it in front of me so dearly. It is really painful to me that i can't touch or live in it.

How i wish i could stand in front of my porch as always, feeling the mere breeze of wind gushing to my face. I miss my home, and how i wanted to be back but i can't. Hong kong is a place I do not belong to. I belong to the land where i live in. This year, i know, finally, how a person who is away from his homeland feels. It's not only loneliness. It's a brew of bitterness, loneliness, pain, sorrow, love and the wish to belong.

猪年虎行运，新年齐共庆

恭喜发财!!新年快乐!!心想事成!!学业进步!!

好,新的一年总于到了!!既然是属于你我华人的新年,我就永久违的华文来打着一篇文字吧! ;-)

今年是猪年，可是大家知道吗，虎是今年最旺运的生肖。事事都如意愿喔!! =D

居然是大家的一年，那么我就此祝大家事事顺心，一块儿在新的一年进步，还有最重要的是身体健康!!!

大家一起努力喔！！

Option

Time doesn't wait for us. Everyday you wait, is another day that never you never get back. Never get to realize that huh.

You could say it's good to have an option in life, and it could be bad too. Or better, there's no good or bad. Like decisions. There's always no so-called better decision. If we live off thinking that there're always better decision, then i guess, our lives gonna be so full of regrets. We probably could have done a lot of better things with that time wasted on regretting.

When things start to get ugly and you don't know what to do, i think, the best way is to wait it out. When things need u to get them into motion, don't hesitate. After all, it's about timing. You rush, you regret; you waited too long, you regret too. Instinct is what to guide us. After all timetable is a schedule well-thought out to spend time efficiently when we are ready to do so. It's time. It is.

There's a difference between growing up and growing old. We all grow old, but not all of us grow up. Am i growing up? Let not me be the judge. Let time be.

Break

Sometimes i just got thought up of what am i doing here. I know it's stupid. This question has been answered before...but you see, i m like this: sometimes, i ask myself the same question again, and another answer will come up. I could actually say, sometimes, the answer is more mature.

2 weeks had gone by and now i think i need this break to think up some stuff, seriously. I had not been really into the wheel of effort to polish up my understanding of what i am studying. Something is missing lately. But i'm quite sure i m recollecting my steps on the way. Nearly, which is.

Been watching One tree hill season one lately. Pick up from where I stopped last semester. Got some thoughts in motion after watching a few episodes. I guess I would just spend today...and maybe tomorrow to think about my motivation and my studies. Throughout this, i gonna have Lucas walk me through.

I need a break, a break from my own expectation.

New season

Haha guys, naruto series finally will start its new season starting...this week!!! :D
The shit, bloody fillers finally come to an end. Such a pain in the ass they are. The long-awaited season that is!!! Yippie!!

Seems like not only naruto anime is stepping into new season. What i come to realize is, almost everyone of us in the good old gang has grown up quite a deal and i could actually say, our friendship are stepping into a new season too. I am really proud of everyone, that's what i can say.

Let's see...the first was Dori Chin. Old xinch went through a deep and serious conflict with her housemates, declared herself in war for months, a gruelling period; tears paved the road she tramped and with supports from friends and a lot of positive thinking, she made her way through, starts afresh with a finally full-fledged mature xinch after her edward ordeal. Indeed, with so much to deal about, she finally grows up to someone who i acknowledge as an on-par mature person. Hahaha, this means I can talk to u about life and thoughts quite openly d. (in the past used to siam all those open stuff that i know will definitely made u jump...but now, hehe, good job. welcome to our rank, xinch ;-) )

Caryn fought herself through her own ordeal at the same time. Dealing with hard ppl in her college from the society she joined, and some eyes-protruding relationship meltdown made her really down. She even drank a lot of beer. (hahaha...dun say it's not true ya :D) Opening her own path through the bushes with thorns, she was born a life new, with more mature opinions about life and relationship with people. Caryn, good job. You have more to learn but coming all this way, it's not easy too. Gambatte!!

On the other side of the world in hk, u guys punya fren named gy leng here went through a lot shit stuff. I stumbled myself upon a relationship which I did not foresee in the first place. I misjudged my own self, got lost in the new environment and changed my personalities subconsciously, without I knowing it myself too. Had a fight with xinch over internet too, which i forgot until she reminded when i visited her in kl a month ago. (god, xinch u have a vengeful spirit. i forgot d oso...u still can remember...rotfl) That time i was made the helpless soul myself. Trapped in the expectation of scoring high in exams in order to win those great guys from china and hk in a curve grading system, everything seemed to be at stake. Finally, I am really happy that i got through, with a sensible mind that caught me before i fell into the valley of no return. This was not solely because of my thoughts as well. I hafta thank a bunch of best friends around me who din hesitate to kick my butt when they see me not seeing what I had done wrong. Xinch, i thank you for the blog post that seemed controversial to ur friends but i know it is for me, to wake me up. And thanks for all the advices u gave me when chatting on msn and skype. You dun give a lot of good thing for me to reflect on, but u know, hearing ur voice alone reminded me of who i really was in the past. And bird dan, that time u kicked my butt hard for all the silly thing i did. If you din do that maybe i could only wake up by now. All thanks to ur courage, support and passion from the heart. You keep me going.

June trailed after the three of us next. She, finally dealt with the unforgiveness inside her that had been stored for almost three years, stumbled herself upon a lightning sort-of crush. With a lot of downs and befuddlement, she made it through nonetheless, with a mind of logical thinking and mature decision. Having broken through the wall that shielded her immaturity lately, i find it really fulfilling talking to her since I could finally communicate with her without much difficulties. June, i support you all the way. Good job making it this far. ;-)

Lastly the slack guru set the stage. Dan, you'd gone through this for a time too long. Too long man. A lot of us have been really concerned about what u had been enduring and what we could do is to stand beside u and watch. We've been hinting u about it all along but u seem to catch up with ur own own misguided way of conscience. Finally u made me confronted u. Really, this is ur life and we couldn't do anything but we feel guilty because we carry the responsibilities as ur closest friends. Haha, now that you had walked out of the room, but u just hafta leave ur shadow behind. I am sure that gonna happen soon since it's only a matter of time. Lolz...good job man. And I hope to see u overcoming the slacking thing this year. Hope i won't remember the term 'slack guru' when i thought of u next time. ;-)


Talked with bird dan over msn that night...a night of really philosophical talk...a lot of inspiring ideas and thoughts about life. Yeap, true, finally i found the line inside me: there's no better path. If there is, then we'll be regretting the decision we made all along our life becoz we will think that we always made the wrong decision. Finally, guys, the light to our new season. *drums rolling* A new chapter in life. Another arc of life that full of surprises and challenges, and this time faced by a bunch of energetic youths with mature thinking. We're making our ways through now, finally.

This new year, i see old faces shining with new looks. From now on, we will take on the world, together. Gambatte guys!!! This is our new season!!!

The tightrope

Days go by. I'm still here. I made some progress, and I couldn't keep it up tonight. *sigh* I guess it's time to instill some motion in what i m doing.

Let the rhythm of 'Gifts and curses' accompany me tonight to sleep. Tomorrow, I gotta jack my gear and set full throttle ahead. Well, i guess it's a showdown for me, since this semester decides the very last effort of me getting the highest honor in my stream. It's not about the honor. It's about my future. And part of it, because of her.

There're time I get to think about a life of my own. Guess I am slowly walking towards it, finally. What I really hope to do is to recollect my crazy pace of studying again. But then the light is around the corner...I started to see it shining.

Tomorrow, I will walk the tightrope. What comes next, I will update you guys about it. I promise I won't let you all down. And the promise I made in your living room, it's a lifetime promise. I will work to death to fulfill it, no matter what to come. It's time for me to become stronger.

I have faith in that. It's a promise.

Not so far away

Tonight, before sleep, I decided to talk to myself again. Is it time that drifts me away from my course of action again? After reading xinch's post and get to say goodbye to ee lin before she left tomorrow, I could say that I got myself immersed into emotions again.

Attending Civl111, a course bout construction materials today, got lost between professor's lame accent and unclarified terms, I slowly drifted into a land between wary and dream. Everyone was so happy there. Dan, tst, xinch, june, caryn, ewe jin and a lot more who we use to hang out with...we're happy for no reason at all. Maybe we're happy just for the sake of the company, I never know. But i know when I wake up the professor had started talking bout fracture mechanics. It's about the propagation of cracks from a small hole within a block under pressure. With that huge amount of time piling upon our friendships, miraculously, I could say, we never form cracks before. I mean, once I got into an online fight with xinch but when she got into troubles I totally forgot what happened before. When xinch told me about it only then I remembered. Felt really sad over it. I really hope that time will continue to prove that our friendships hold true and strong throughout our course of life. Guys, I have trust in our friendships. Believe me or not, this is one of the only very few things that I have so much confidence in.

Yeap. Totally agree with xinch's post about the friends we make in a total foreign land. Those friends we make are the friends we choose to make, and they're who we choose to hang out with. Never to get this across my mind before. I had something further to add to this: maybe, if anything goes wrong with these friendships, me, the very person who made this choice, should be the one to be blamed and not others. I think this mere thought made me rethink those thoughts that seem so true to me a few days ago. It's my responsibility, after all. Not that I should bear myself the trouble, but at least, this is what I choose.

Just got back from library about 2 hours ago, finally, as I could say, I got myself into some motion. Haha, i mean, finally I started studying after staying stagnant for a time so long. It really feels good to grab the mere emotion to bury myself into the wonderful world of knowledge again. It never feels so fulfilling before this. Maybe I had gotten more open to ways to look at things. I feel that I m in another metamorphosis stage again. ;-)

Ee lin, take care of yourself. In a foreign land, you gonna start afresh. I wish you all the best. Well for the others, and myself, we've through a great deal. It's time to set the sail and reach far. All my friends, on the far side of the land that holds our dreams, I could see that we're already not far away. Hold on guys, just hold on. We can make it after all, no matter how unbelievable it is.

Drift away

Finally I realize how far apart we have drifted from each other. The very moment you stayed in my life during that time, it doesn't seem nostalgic to me, but rather, unreachable.

I really don't know how to explain my feelings. The time you held my hand and how I kissed you tenderly, we once exchanged looks that bind the magic called trust in each other. But now the feelings has shed off its color. It's nothing more than mere memories that lost in the jungle of life.

I guess remembering those moments bring me back to the part of me that once lived. No matter how drastic we have changed, I still have a part of you in me. Everything in the past builds a part of who we are today, that's life. After xinch reminded me of something my mind denied, I then realize that denying will only bring me down, eventually. We are bound to face something we called pain, because we will have happiness only when we know how painful and sad we were.

Maybe in days to come, I will forget about this mere thought of mine. I wanna record this, so that it stayed in the cyberspace long enough to remind me when I flip through my old posts. Life moves along with my mistakes. Time is to prove that I never make them again. I'll live a fruitful life, I promise you. You be good too, li qing.

Isolation of the mind

Now i understand fully what scars mean. When something called 'misunderstanding' and 'quarrel' happened between two friends who don't really see the real person in each other (as in not knowing each other long enough; or tolerate each other), the scars stay behind, and deepen by every day.

I never know what become of us. I just wanna say that, now, at least, that I finally understand what is mental isolation. I will just isolate my feelings, my true self from you. Today, the sky looks blue and bright, but we both know, we're cold from the inside. From here on, we end the tie i call: heart-to-heart friendship, if that's what you really want. Cheers man, trust me, when you open your heart or when you finally realize it, don't feel regret over it. I am just another passerby in your life, like you, in mine.

Reflection

I hardly recover from the deep emotions i m inscribed in after watching "A walk to remember", again. It's like, I had forgotten all those true feelings and old thoughts inside me all along. How hard I wished and fought my way to this good university i m in now, those old days when everything I have now seems to be so far, far away.

"Getting out of Beaufort is not a problem. It's more like figuring out what you gonna do when you get somewhere."

If life is ever so fragile, I hope the inner child will hold me in one piece, and guide me on with my true heart. Days in foreign lands are not hard; they are like fluid containers: they change me, they twist me, for good or not, I never know. But one thing for sure is I do not want to lose all those feelings once resided inside me. They're once my motivation.

Is something planned for us beyond this? I think I do not know, and do not wish to think deeper into it. I will lose myself while searching the answer in between. Sometimes there're too many theories and we kinda get lost in the maze.

I guess I do not need to look around for motivation anymore. It's already inside me, within me, and a part of me all along. It's asleep, or rather, it's forgotten.

A precious chance I fought all that hard for in the past, listening to the sad music I used to listen to, getting up late at night eating supper with a bunch of friends after a late study, watching movies depicting youngsters who fought their ways towards college...oh God, i can't believe that only 1 hour ago I just recalled myself those precious memories, ambitions and feelings that accompany me along in the long, dark night. This is what I've been looking for, ain't it?

Slowly caressing the furnitures all around me, I think to myself: it's time. It's not about getting motivated to study or do something in life. Motivation is a false light that always need to be serviced and maintained. Personally, I think I just figured out how to get over it. In the end, it's all about doing what I chose, and hold faith in the direction I want myself to be on. It's also about the faith I have in myself.

Faith.

Arrive; Attack; and Leave

January 24th, 10.30am, the airplane departed for Singapore, marking the end of my short holidays...a hard-earned 10 days. It's a period of joy and refreshment; new thoughts; newly found direction and, a refreshed self.

The Arrival

Saturday, January 13th, 8.30pm

The plane made a smooth touchdown, smooth as in even seatbelt is untied, you will still stick to ur seat, safe and sound. Both my palms are wet with sweat, since I gonna place my feet on the so-long soil which my dreams, personalities and love are built. The mere notion of getting to see and do everything I want flashed through my mind again. The song 'For You I'll Die' by Marion Raven played a sad tune when the seatbelt light was turned off. The land I used to be so familiar with, my family, and my dear friends. And her.


9.30pm
Well, i got myself in a cozy little restaurant (i know how to go, but dunno how to describe...nvm d ar, next time i bring u guys there lolz), had a lot of vegi which are so rareeeeee in hk. A long chat with parents bring back old days memories which I don't get to notice in old days.

10.20pm
Reached home, called xinch. She sounded shocked. Blah. I told her i gonna be back on 13th and here she goes again!!! SHE TOTALLY FORGOT. my god. I couldn't believe such a short-term memory person ever lived on this planet. She's so perfect to be Dori. Call her Dori Chin next time. I m sure we all know who she is. Got sze ming's number from through her. (actually it's---> xinch gave me june's number ---> i smsed june---> june smsed/called lydia----> lydia gave her sze ming's number ---> then june smsed me) Called sze ming. Plan wasn't going the way i planned. Shit wei zhi got his lazy bones and can't go out as he promised to sze ming a week before one again. So can't get to scare him in the first place. This also ruined my plan of surprising Duen horng on sunday. i guess i delayed everything by one day then.

The Attack Commences...

Sunday, January 14th, 2.00pm

Finished a game of dota with 5 insane comps on my old comp. Missed my old comp a lot. Half an hour ago i received a call from sze ming saying that cb dan will be out to send his bro to sch on 2.00pm, i guess it's pretty nice timing to get to his home around that time to scare him. But i got myself delayed becoz of the game. And worse still, I went to one-stop to buy myself a digi simcard before leaving for his house. I parked my car in a place nearby n walked towards his house. Time marked: 2.20pm. I got lucky. Dan's parents juz drove back. And his mum checked him out first and told me he's upstairs. Got upstairs silently, found him playing programme piano. Sneak up and tapped his shoulder. MUAHAHAHAHA...the first time in my life to see wei zhi so dumbstruck, and he can't talk for a long time. LOLZ LOLZ!!!

Monday, January 15th, 9.00pm

I was late...i was late and I was more than late. That’s all I could say at this moment…god…I sped off to her house with the rose I bought at around one stop area there. Hope that when I reach there, she won’t be sleeping d. But in fact, I was more than early. Lolz…gosh. I pasang kuat-kuat this time, formal open coat, long-sleeve white T, and nicely combed hair…haha, nvr see myself to be in such a good shape before. But then, it was like, ah, she’s not home…so I waited in my car, troubled bird dan by smsing him. In the end, I was too kin cheong, so I get him to call her with the ‘sorry, wrong number’ style to confirm she’s asleep or outside. Ah, the answer of engineering intuition is, yeap she’s outside.

In the end I waited till 10.45 sth, gave the home a call, YES!!! She answered it…hehe…got up to her house in no time (and breathless…becoz it’s 5 storeys tall), knocked the door and surprised her. *happy smile* Talked with her and her mum for 2 hours ++. (actually talked with her mum more….=.=||| ). But it really feels good to see her again. In fact, it never feels better than this. Days of being away from home, and distant calls, it drives me a little crazy d. Aihz…couldn’t date her then. Hafta wait till Sunday. :D

The Activities (January 16th till January 21st)

Yeah, never been so fruitful and packed holidays ever. Got out with old bunch of best friends, play pool, visiting relatives, attending wedding dinner, go back to sch to visit teachers and stuff. On January 20th, went sing redbox with dan, june, lydia. It feels good to sing again, lolz…June, u haf a very very good vocal, as always. And dan, u still sing with the same old croaky voice!! IMPROVE IT MAN!!! *rotfl*

On January 21st, I went out with her. Took her to a sad movie. This is the third time I saw her crying. It’s beautiful, to see the emotions flow. I get to like her more and more each days. The affection never dies off but grows stronger, I guess. Had a good talk with her. A better one than last time. It just feels like heaven. It still is.

Off to KL!! (January 22nd and 23rd)

Decided to give a visit to the old xinch and caryn in kl. It’s really sad not to be able to see them, u know. Reached kl at around 2.30pm, but waited xinch at kelana jaya until 4.30pm…my god, two hours!!!!!!!!!! It’s longer than the time I made her wait last time. God…payback time eh, xinch??? Cilaka….

But then I felt really happy to get to see her and caryn again. We went one-utama, had my belated lunch there, then went to xinch’s apartment and we chat and chat and chat and chat until we dunno when to stop. *sighz* It always feel like the time is not enough. And all right it’s not enough for sure.

Had dinner at william’s later. It is a really good dinner. Great dishes. Will get there next time if ever got the chance. (bring me there again xinch :D) Caryn caught cigarette smoke and got really allergic to it. Aihz…but other than that, it feels good. We then drop by caryn’s suite to haf a look at those photos of hers in turkey, and Greece, and we chat again. But xinch and I got tired, and literally nearly fell asleep. LOLZ. Caryn really haf nice photos there…u are bound to be a really good photographer in the future, caryn, trust me. Next time gonna get u with us to travel d. Really artistic feel in those photographs touches, really.

Went back to old xinch’s apartment later in the night, and we rock along with lostprophets’ noise. I get to like the band more and more each day. :D Had a nice shower. Ah. It feels really good to be clean. Then I slept on the mattress beside xinch’s bed. We had a pretty cozy chat in the dark until we fell asleep. Wah, xinch, it really feels good to see you and hear you again. Miss your presence in penang, and I miss it here in hk too. And I was really sorry about what happened last time. I really feel bad bout it. But either way is, you grow a lot more mature and I see that you are less angelic d…LOLZ LOLZ. DON’T try to skip meals again or u won’t know what I will give u ur next b’day d yeah.

Leaving

Wednesday, January 24th, 10.30am.

SIA flight is waiting for me, at the other end of the gate. I already started to miss home already and my circle of friends d. Ee lin, sorry that I din get to see you this time. Next time la. *sigh* “All the best to you guys!!!” that’s what I said when my flight tilted upward, soaring into the white clouds in the sky.


Epilogue

Ah, today my semester starts d…it feels sienz, finishing my training two days ago. But then I got enough sleep d, dun worry man!! And good news guys…my CGA is A- now!! Yeah!!! Got encouraged now. I am still walking on this path, with a little piece of me growing old. Man, I love being me.

Past; Present; Future

Inspired by miss cucumber's review on past year, i thought i should do sth similar as well, since i need to think bout what really happened and some brief lookout for what i should do in the future.

time flies. i've been in hong kong for already seven months: i see a great deal, i hear a great deal, and of course i learn a great deal. but there've been rights and there've been wrongs. life ain't perfect, and i believe one thing, truthfully, which is that if one person continues to live being frank and truthful to him/herself, then life is at its best. ;-)


January was when the heartbeat increased and emotions stiffened. I had been visiting KL for a few times in December 2005 and January, and I received some information that really broke my heart. Crying is not the way out; tears won't come. instead, i felt blood, dripping in my heart as my life inched on. A birthday and a new year which came in a melancholic tune. I suddenly realized it's time to heal the long-scratched heart. I settle down, and read a lot of books. Mostly are Haruki Murakami's.


February sees a merry celebration of CNY. Of course, i didn't get to realize that celebrating CNY is such a big event for me until now, when i knew that i gonna celebrate my 2007 CNY in hong kong. Burning firecrackers, and hearing the explosion going off turns out to be a slow motion movie in my mind, with some sad tunes echoing in the distant. The atmosphere, family, friends and things that hold dear to me once, suddenly become so far away. Memory works in a funny way. When i could still remember perfectly, i just happen not to feel like missing home at all. But after 7 months in hk, and those memories began to blur and sway, I started to think of a lot of stuff that once happened in my life. Those gang of friends that used to cheer my old days in Chung Ling, my dearest 'family-like' friends who i used to spill my heart to, and my dear mum who i used to hug everyday i went back home. Things seem to be so far away. I didn't cry but i can feel a short stream of tears inside my heart.


March reveals the fruitful results of STPM which I had worked really hard for in upper six. Finally the dream of going to singapore university becomes so realistic and not blurry anymore. Life is still the same. Playing games with friends in cyber cafe almost 3 or 4 days per week, hiking, jogging and hanging out with my gang of friends. While applying for NTU and NUS, suddenly i come across HKUST while talking to my counselling teacher Miss Ung. Applied for it very last minute. Got interviewed for scholarship. Basically during that time life goes on really easily and i never thought of any possibility to go overseas other than Singapore.


April was a month pretty much the same. Only difference is that my heart is starting to heal. Finally i could face her with a 'healthy' heart during outings with her. Things get a little intimate but i was as pessimistic as always, and store all the feelings into the deep heart. At that time I told myself to look at the future with an open mind and let fate do what it should.


May tells the tale of swaying choices. I decided on my own to study civil engineering because that's what i like the most out of all the science and engineering. Medicine just not my cup of tea and to hell with pharmacy. Parents interfered with my choice but i decided that my choice is my own. Application for NTU and NUS and UTM all succeeded with my first choice as the results. Application for UTM is just a joke. Basically everyone knows that malaysian uni sux in every single way. Just when I decided to settle my mind down to think about life in singapore, i received phone call telling me that i might have gotten the HKUST scholarship.


June marks the month of tide turn. I kept postponing the decision of choosing between HK and singapore. Deep inside my heart i wanna go hk but seeing the face of parents I think that i should at least honour their decision for once in my life since I had been disobeying theirs and walk my own path all the while. (hahaha...here i mean 'big decision'...) My parents kept asking around about reputation and stuff and chances and at the end of june they said: "Hong kong", two words which mark the beginning of my challenge.


July sees the old ghee changed in a great deal. I got courageous and decided to confess to the girl I had been liking all along. Confession is made on the basis of telling her what i felt instead of wanting to be with her, which is something I only dream of. After the confession I depart Penang the next morning to Hong kong, leaving my dearest mum, all my good gang of friends (old wei zhi, xinch, jiah ling, june, samuel etc...) and her. Upon arrival of hong kong i completely lost touch of everyone except her, who kept messaging me once or twice per day on basis, which really made me cried everytime i thought of her. At that time i knew that i really like her and my heart hurts becoz i don't know what will become of in the future becoz nobody knows. I started to attend summer course then. It was basically maths and language courses which prepare us for uni life. We attend the course together with the EAS students (Early Admission Scheme) of hong kong. They are the top 0.5% of hong kong o-level and they could admit into uni earlier without having to wait for the A-level exams and stuff. Well, at start they prove to be geng...but at the end of the camp I finally picked my confidence up and be able to stand shoulder to shoulder with them.


August is the month when i get to explore hong kong and read up a lot of good books in my library. Jiah Ling arrived in hong kong and we got out!! Well, i really have to thank her a lot because: 1st, FINALLY I GET TO SEE ONE OF THE DEAREST FRIEND OF MY GANG AFTER TWO MONTHS!!!!, and 2nd, she's really generous to chia me eat a lot of really expensive hong kong food which i dare not to enter to eat usually. Therefore i made a promise to her that i will chia her back when i earn money in future! ;-) Hope you see this yea caryn!!


September is the month when war began. I got to know that JUPAS entry students of hong kong and mainland students are very geng. But still i just couldn't pick up the mood to study and the whole month pass just like that, without me doing any 'real' revision and all. September also marks the starting of a shitty relationship of mine, which i never wanted in the first place.


October the stakes got higher and i was totally lost in understanding what i really want in relationship. When things got to build up the way it is, i decided that i don't want to start anything right off the point. Everything got really troublesome and i was struggling to get off everything that troubles me.


November i faced the first mid-terms of my uni. Frankly, i did not do well because i only prepare for one subject and the rest i just use my intelligence and luck to get them through. Stumble myself on the computer programming subject. 1st is that i did not touch the subject at all. second is most of my time is robbed of. Finally i succeeded in casting off any relationship that came into my life. I decided not to touch anything else. and from all those events, i knew one true fact: i had 'her' inside me which i never get to erase. she's always there, residing inside and no matter how i wanted to escape it, she poses out as the one in my life. this feeling is not obvious but it is the core beam of my heart platform. I never realised that she is so so so important in my life. All these stuff accumulated and i got really sick. For at least 7 to 9 days i couldn't get up from my bed and attend any class. Things get really messy and it's the darkest month of my whole life. But at the end of it, i started to see light.


December i hafta face my finals. Had a talk with my best buddy wei zhi and decided that my mission is to help ppl to be self-aware by means possible in the future. Contributing to the society becoming something i can work for and not just a dream. (thank you wei zhi). Although studying for final seems to be late but i still put my whole effort to it, betting it on my last gamble. Conclusion after a lot of talking and discussion with my best friends said that i hafta face the true feelings inside me. She is the one, no doubt of it. And later of that month i got to know that i hafta do industrial training and exam during my winter holidays break, and this really is a sad news. Stucked in hong kong, and thought of giving a surprise present to dear old xinch whose b'day is on december 30th. HAHAHAHHAHA bet u get it xinch!!!!



After january 1st of 2007, i m officially 20. Counting the old days and reviewing the 'me' now, i haf really a lot to sigh about. Looking at the results of mine now, i know that i could do a lot better next semester. I will aim for A+ or A grade of cga and get myself to exchange to US or japan the year next. it's time to see the better side of me. I hafta fight for my own future, again, after going through all these tests. For my dear mum and family, for her, for my dear old friends and for the world.


P/s: life is a mess without you guys around me!! Wei Zhi, Xinch, Shao Thing, Ewe Jin, Jun Yi, Jiah Ling, Samuel and a lot more...i really hope you guys are doing ur best too!!!