Monday, August 10, 2009

One of the Many Truths

I spent my holidays doing some deep soul searching and I found some truths on my own path. I wouldn't say that they are those 'OMG' type of revelation or enlightenment, but I know that I am moving forward, and how far forward it is actually a relative scale. To some, it might sound like leaps and bounds; To some, it might be just those little stuff that you had already come across in the past.

To me, I am just inching forward but I am perfectly happy with my pace. I feel that I am at peace with myself. In the past when I drink beer my mind clouded me with sad and demotivating thoughts and despair in love affairs. These few days I found that when I drink I won't have those thoughts shadowing over me anymore, and I do not have very happy thoughts as well. I am just, me. Peacefully me.

One of the truths that I can put into words is: It's not what you do not know that obstructs you; It is what you think you know that will always be the biggest invisible obstructions.

I believe that would be one of the biggest thing I come to realize this summer. What we don't know, we can always learn. It is the already-built beliefs and 'knowledge' that are the toughest obstacles. You wouldn't skip school because you believe that teachers teach stuff that is not in the syllabus while you were gone. You constipate because you thought the bad toilet environment is affecting your bowel movements. You cannot work because you knew that the conflicting living habit with your roommate is taxing you so much that you feel so freaking tired.

All of these, aren't they something that you thought you knew?

Well I find myself to be able to work real hard even my roommate's conflicting living habit with me is taxing me harshly. Actually, all these while, it's about you yourself, not the others. It's you who reinstates the negative emotions generated in your own self which in turn brings out exactly the same repetitive 'bad ending' that you 'anticipated'. To find peace with others, first you have to dig inside your soul and find peace with yourself. Ask yourself why are you afraid of switching jobs? Ask yourself why are you afraid of confessing your love to the one you really like? Ask yourself why you are afraid of living in an environment that failed you before? Ask yourself why you are so afraid of standing up again to the challenges and instead choose to cry in the dark? Ask yourself why when woman is way older than the man in a relationship, you are scared that the relationship would look bad from the outside when they grow old together?

Is it really the faults of the environment? The people around you? Your family who put the pressure on you? Your friends who tell you that a personal toilet is the best solution to constipation? Or is it just you?

Ask yourself. And think again. The answer is in your soul. And yes this is not a line from the movies, now you should know after reading this post. Like what the Oracle told Neo when he first came into her room:-

Know Thyself.

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Sunday, August 09, 2009

Riddikulus!

Days been hectic back in Hong Kong again, but not hectic because I got a lot of things to do, but rather that I have a lot to do but I can't put myself in a good shape and mood to execute them. Room sharing is really taxing, especially when you are doing a tough job that requires a lot of mental concentration and thus when your private space and life is fucked up by your roomie, possibility is high that you will start to feel that you are so easily worn out in a short period of time.

Sometimes when you feel so tired and just want the lights out, the wildman in your room will tell you: "I am sorry that I am sensitive to darkness." WTF? Are you fucking with me? I mean, this just doesn't make sense. But what else I can do? I am a person who will feel guilty if I happen to cause troubles to people. Meeting an insensitive and pukimak roomie will cause communication breakdown in the end, which is the situation I am experiencing now. I remember I can talk to this guy when I shared the same room with him back in year one summer but so much has changed since then. He even washes his legs and left the water basin there for days to weeks now. I tried to talk to him but he will repeat it after a few minutes or a few days. In the end I am so aggravated that I tried things like switching my desktop speakers on when he is talking loudly on the internet phone with his gf. And guess what? He asked me to lower the volume down! I did and later on I will increase the volume again.

Guess Naruto is right. Revenge will only backfire in another form. Soon after that we would even fight over little things like I would switch the ceiling light off while I walk out of the room with him switching it back on moments later for three to four hours straight. Oh yeah speaking of this, this guy will switch the fans off sometimes in the middle of the night. WTF??? It is a freaking hot summer now. I hate the way things became now but when I decided to end this in a peaceful manner, new scenarios happen. When I was back in Hong Kong less than a week ago, I found rubbish all over the place, and I even found an unfinished plum seed in my toiletries basket. Fuck you!

Suddenly I felt so tired of being a good guy anymore.

Now I am back from outside, feeling so tired and wanna rest my mind a while to give things a thought before I dive into work tomorrow, there he is talking with his gf loudly over internet phone.

I am not just tired. I think I give up on him. Whatever shit or racket he is going to make, let him be. I am going to move to my new room soon. I am crossing my fingers, counting days as the clock ticks slowly. Since when I am living with a boggart? Well honestly, I didn't realize it until now. Maybe what I need is just a wand and a shout of "Riddikulus!"

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Monday, August 03, 2009

Back

Days been really good for me in Penang. And as I was about to leave the place, a huge wave of heaviness took me over. I was rather surprised, as I usually am more enthusiastic about coming back to Hong Kong. Guess that a lot of things have changed deep down inside of me from this fruitful holiday.

I come to understand more about myself and more about life. And on the path I found a little confidence and faith in the path that is laid beyond.

Guess it's time.

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