妳要的

見到真實的妳的時候，會不會心悸，
又或是傻楞，仿佛之前的秒針未曾轉動


也可能只是簡簡單單地擦身而過
紅綠燈示意後的規律
人海中的飄渺
徒步中浮現的平淡


我開始理解了什麽，
        我們顧及的是自己的
並非
你的你抑或我的我     那個瞬間，彼此
浮游於一個投影成自己的汪洋
        寄望天空的藍
可以點綴以心靈幻影的雲翳


雲是雲
        雲還是雲
                    雲暈中，我停步
                                    我聽捕
                            你在            的幾許

Free from Idolization

I have come to appreciate mathematical rigor, only recently. I used to be fond of it, coming to the physical meanings a logical deduction requires of. However, I don't pursue it. I let it go by, only understanding them rather than judging how true the derivations would be, mathematically.

However, I realize that it is simply impossible to run away from mathematical derivation and rigor, especially when you dig deeper into the fundamentals of nature and wish to simplify them into a few variables that truly matter. Tools like differential equations, integral calculus etc then decide to organize a homecoming party, in my brains, to show me the impossibility of ignoring them. Then it occurs to me, they are my friends, not my enemies.

The way of studying mathematics and physics that I was going through has one fatal flaw to it: idolization. It is detrimental to learning and embracing the mathematical derivation as a tool; always the method seems to present only the true solution. Imagine idolizing your computer, you then lose the playfulness to toy around with all the features, including running crazy computational algorithms with it because you love it/respect it too much. The same with mathematics. Once you think of it as a factual expression (worse, beautiful factual expression) then you lose the ability to screw the whole thing up, wrench open the inner workings and think to yourself that, hmm, this does not look right. It is exactly because of this that creative elements are added at a slow speed to the field. I bet a lot of us are scared by the symbols and logical computations. Once you look at it as a tool, like the screwdriver kit lying near you, then the attitude will change. Suddenly, everything is in its own respective 'clarity'. You are free, although the freedom is confined within a set of restrictions.

I would like to extrapolate that concept: life, is like that too.

The stand

I am up while I should be sleeping soundly by now. The past few weeks have been fulfilling. I am getting more and more accustomed to the person anew; the inner struggles and some sort of 'shock' somehow has dissipated away. What replaces the previous uneasiness is a kind of guilt; not the bad kind, but the kind which a man who found himself late in life bears. It is very likely one that I will carry for the rest of my life. I can never be truly evil; it's just not possible anymore. 

I think this has more to do with the meaning instilled inside, now glimmering instead of a shining glow that pierces. I am more comfortable with this kind of light: subtle enough. Not standing out too much, not trying to prove anything. Simply there, doing his own deeds, sowing quietly. I kinda like it. There's this inner peace to it.

And I come to admit that bad habits I used to call bad are just inevitable natural part of a cycle. Of course I would get mentally tired after a long haul; of course I need to fail a number of times enough to be able to do something well. And of course I need to read for a few days before I can write with a crafty touch on academic subject. I am no more too harsh on myself, and because I admit these being parts of the natural cycles in life, I can observe myself from another perspective. It's hard to explain, but it's certainly a refreshing spot to be in.

Life moves on. I hope I can be there, places where revolutionary ideas and paths torching the paths, and be the one who starts the fire. The only way I can reach there is to be honest with myself, to fulfill responsibilities and at the same time, to trust people who fight hand in hand with me. I have made my stand. The unknown is yonder, and the sails are set.

How Important Reading is in the 21st Century

Time and again I cannot stress enough how immensely important reading skill is. I do not care whether it is chinese, malay or english language which you prefer to read and write; you must be able to read well in at least one of the languages in the world, critically and synoptically. It is the least I can ask of you, and in case you wonder which 'you' I am referring to, I am addressing university graduates.

For God's sake, how painful it is to see university graduate cannot even read critically! I even wonder to myself, how can you even graduate from a university if you cannot even do that? The often circulated posts on Facebook are filled with misconceptions on historical facts, scientific myths and healthcare tips and they are most of the time written by a nonprofessional. Most of them contain errors and they are not even reviewed by experts before being let out into internet. They do not bother me much; only when a university student or graduate reposts it then I am shocked. Why and how in the hell could that ever happen?

I would attribute the phenomena to two core problems: (1) tv / computer / iPad; (2) university education functioning as commercial product. Let's talk about (1). New generation of kids do not read well not just because they do not want to; they simply cannot concentrate long enough to decipher the words. The primal evil is television. Often the parents just let the kid watch television at home; this seriously alters the kid's concentration span as he/she grows up. Television program designers know about how often should a show switches animations in order to capture full attention of the audience. I do not quite remember the time span, but a shadow of the memory tells me that it was about 1.7 seconds. If you grow up watching television as a kid, you would often find it so much harder to just read more than 2 lines, and if you count the time, that's about the maximum allowable time span for a show to switch attention frame. If you grow up playing computer games as a kid, it is even worse. Computer games like Role-Playing Game (RPG) operate on immersive virtual environment and the experience is refreshed every second. Now, influences of iPhone and iPad are not quite well studied yet, but I can think of the damage they bring: they feed you the drive to prod your device to 'move on'. Well you might argue that reading a book is the same, but it's all about time frame I am concerned about here. Prodding an iPad / iPhone for new information happens in a matter of 1 to 2 seconds while turning a page of book usually takes at least 10 seconds (even if you are a fast reader, and I am talking about full comprehension). If there is nothing new in 2 seconds, you lose interest.

The direct impact of (1) seems to be the detrimental effect on reading. However, I would like to bring your attention to the indirect impact on the mental health of individuals: tv, computer, iPad, they all feed the monster called anxiety. When your attention span is that short, when you lose interest that quickly, you are always anxious. When you are anxious, you will be easily agitated or depressed. You always look for something to fill your brain, and your mind will become more restless over time. Look around you: isn't this the general picture of the new generation we are observing today?

Now I do not wish to talk that much about (2). I hope it is self-explanatory. When university education is marketed as a commercial product, something you spent money on to get an entry certificate into wealth, then the real meaning of education will certainly evaporate. One does not seek knowledge anymore in university; one seeks graduation. University is the place where interactions of bright minds on interesting subjects happen. It will not function like that as long as the program turns out to be another high school system. This is the reason why university graduates (at least those in Hong Kong) do not acquire the sole important skill which a university offers: critical and synoptical thinking. 

I might sound pessimistic but in fact I am not. I am telling you that you can cure your own anxiety, restlessness and lack of knowledge: start reading. Even you cannot concentrate that well, force yourself. If you can only read one page of book a day, it is fine. Do it. Reading is like exercising your muscles: you get better and better every day. Persevere and you will find that a month later you can read much faster, you can comprehend things better and you feel much more fulfilled and goal-driven. Try to read nonfiction apart from fiction too. From nonfiction you not only learn new facts; you learn how to analyze things synoptically. You learn how to look at things from a boarder perspective, and by that you can tackle a problem more systematically and efficiently in your workplace. You will improve, that I guarantee you.

And I would like to remind you the increasing importance of reading in the internet era. Be reminded that I do not write 'how important reading skill is' but rather 'how important reading is'. When internet churns out so much information shared daily, the amount you read each day is actually much more than the amount people read in the past. The only difference is you also need to filter out the garbage which comprises 90% of the lot. You simply cannot obtain the ability to judge which information is correct and which is not from reading in the internet. But you can with books. There are always books which are peer-reviewed and guaranteed to be the king of certain fields, e.g. running a marathon. These jewels will provide you the guideline to filter out unnecessary and wrong information when you read later on the internet. 

And do you even know that Einstein never got expelled from school? He expelled himself because he detested the education system.

Do you even know that we indeed do use all parts of our brains instead of only 10% as suggested in the urban myth? 

Start to read from today, university graduates.