There were too much negative emotions in the 1 year and 7 months I'd been spending, studying the master research degree here.
To make it worse, for the past two months I think new ones sprouted.
As a rational university graduate (well, from UG for now I guess), especially with research training, I doubted since long whether I am the sole person who created all these troubles. I was a lost cause in my first semester, almost covered by darkness alone and there was no light permeating through my life. Not a single ray.
However all these darkness seems to be stripped off me forcefully by the end of December 2009, when I chose to step up and face it.
Then I came to see GL from a whole new angle, and then the time we spent together led me to self-awareness and thus to facing myself honestly, deleting each mask and layer as time goes by. And because of her, I found aikido, one of the closest discipline I encountered which ultimately led me to my first enlightenment experience.
I say, I am really grateful.
Don't curse me yet. I am not whining here. I am just, still doubtful.
I knew that I am very interested in language research. Now I understand I am more suitable to that field instead of being stuck here, unhappy.
I knew I want to spend some time in Japan to study both aikido and Japanese, to see how much more I can venture on this Way.
What you knew and what you are doing, in my case now, is perhaps at the most polarized extremes. The traditional Chinese perception is that you should persevere and just do it. But for me, each day is inching on with my heart screaming: You're just wasting time.
Moreover, I am starting to have this kind of uncomfortable barrier with old friends I made in my university. The feeling of me unable to be honest to them pains me, and the way they are trying to make a point to avoid making me feel bad make me feel worse. I guess the culture of Hong Kong does brew this kind of very strange way of communication with each other. I do not understand why. It seems to me that it is exceptionally hard to express honest feelings to each other comparing to that of which I experience with fellow Malaysians, Singaporeans and other nationalities.
On my side while all facets have already changed 180 degrees, looking at these people distancing away really, really does sadden me.
Then for a moment of two I am starting to think again: Am I the lost cause again?
When I am starting to blame the culture and the people, I think, maybe it's just me who doesn't fit in. I admit that I held up a considerable of pride to try to keep quiet and see what kind of reactions are tailing, although till now there is none, I am still too proud to keep my silence.
No matter what, I made new friends. New friends who I can work with in a totally honest fashion. I love that kind of frictionless communications. I guess from the start, one side has to initiate this atmosphere to ensure this feeling is secured and flowing.
Had a very fruitful experiment with a friend again last night on aikido. We learn that there is a huge difference between doing the technique itself or doing the technique in accordance to the attacker. When you are doing the latter, there is a feeling of engagement between your center and the attacker, and you are so aware of the connections that the flow of the technique is almost flawlessly circular.
I guess this is the way of communication too. Only when engagement happens, then feelings towards each other along with the intentions will be met and felt. At these moments, there is strange feeling that you are both relaxed and attentive, and your center feels really stabile. This is really, what I have been searching all along and trying to refine every moment I have the opportunity to.
Still, I am a lost cause, for I know what is going on and still I upheld the pride to not initiate conversations. Although I did send emails but I still do not think that is good enough.
Well, I have enough to deal in my hands already. The biggest one, is of course, to start commit to what I knew and understood all along, instead of wasting more time.
Somehow I sensed that there will be a severe thunderstorm about to cross my path very soon. I am waiting for it, since long, long ago. In fact, I welcome it. And I welcome the sunny rays that will shower me after the ordeal.
Life, after all, is about living, not living what others think you should be living. This becomes even a clearer fact when you had done more than a year of soul searching and really know for sure what are you going to do in your life when all these nightmares end.
Just let me be the lost cause for a little more. Just a little more.
-
To make it worse, for the past two months I think new ones sprouted.
As a rational university graduate (well, from UG for now I guess), especially with research training, I doubted since long whether I am the sole person who created all these troubles. I was a lost cause in my first semester, almost covered by darkness alone and there was no light permeating through my life. Not a single ray.
However all these darkness seems to be stripped off me forcefully by the end of December 2009, when I chose to step up and face it.
Then I came to see GL from a whole new angle, and then the time we spent together led me to self-awareness and thus to facing myself honestly, deleting each mask and layer as time goes by. And because of her, I found aikido, one of the closest discipline I encountered which ultimately led me to my first enlightenment experience.
I say, I am really grateful.
Don't curse me yet. I am not whining here. I am just, still doubtful.
I knew that I am very interested in language research. Now I understand I am more suitable to that field instead of being stuck here, unhappy.
I knew I want to spend some time in Japan to study both aikido and Japanese, to see how much more I can venture on this Way.
What you knew and what you are doing, in my case now, is perhaps at the most polarized extremes. The traditional Chinese perception is that you should persevere and just do it. But for me, each day is inching on with my heart screaming: You're just wasting time.
Moreover, I am starting to have this kind of uncomfortable barrier with old friends I made in my university. The feeling of me unable to be honest to them pains me, and the way they are trying to make a point to avoid making me feel bad make me feel worse. I guess the culture of Hong Kong does brew this kind of very strange way of communication with each other. I do not understand why. It seems to me that it is exceptionally hard to express honest feelings to each other comparing to that of which I experience with fellow Malaysians, Singaporeans and other nationalities.
On my side while all facets have already changed 180 degrees, looking at these people distancing away really, really does sadden me.
Then for a moment of two I am starting to think again: Am I the lost cause again?
When I am starting to blame the culture and the people, I think, maybe it's just me who doesn't fit in. I admit that I held up a considerable of pride to try to keep quiet and see what kind of reactions are tailing, although till now there is none, I am still too proud to keep my silence.
No matter what, I made new friends. New friends who I can work with in a totally honest fashion. I love that kind of frictionless communications. I guess from the start, one side has to initiate this atmosphere to ensure this feeling is secured and flowing.
Had a very fruitful experiment with a friend again last night on aikido. We learn that there is a huge difference between doing the technique itself or doing the technique in accordance to the attacker. When you are doing the latter, there is a feeling of engagement between your center and the attacker, and you are so aware of the connections that the flow of the technique is almost flawlessly circular.
I guess this is the way of communication too. Only when engagement happens, then feelings towards each other along with the intentions will be met and felt. At these moments, there is strange feeling that you are both relaxed and attentive, and your center feels really stabile. This is really, what I have been searching all along and trying to refine every moment I have the opportunity to.
Still, I am a lost cause, for I know what is going on and still I upheld the pride to not initiate conversations. Although I did send emails but I still do not think that is good enough.
Well, I have enough to deal in my hands already. The biggest one, is of course, to start commit to what I knew and understood all along, instead of wasting more time.
Somehow I sensed that there will be a severe thunderstorm about to cross my path very soon. I am waiting for it, since long, long ago. In fact, I welcome it. And I welcome the sunny rays that will shower me after the ordeal.
Life, after all, is about living, not living what others think you should be living. This becomes even a clearer fact when you had done more than a year of soul searching and really know for sure what are you going to do in your life when all these nightmares end.
Just let me be the lost cause for a little more. Just a little more.
-
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