Untitled

If there exists a person who I cannot resist to be together with, it's you.

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Where am I

The pain goes on, incessantly. The pain goes on when the night draws its curtain and I started to fret. Poverty stole your golden shoes, but it didn't steal your laughter. But you did. You stole my laughter away from me. And heartache came to visit me.

I am deeply troubled before, during, and after sleep. Waking up from sweet dreams to reality everyday isn't exactly the way to start a day afresh. I know. I know the situation we're having is killing both of us, at the same time. We keep finding new things to argue over, almost every week. When I am tired, you will sneak into your own rhythm of breakup calls. When you are tired, I suddenly realize we have enough and it's my turn to blow the breakup horns. The cycle is vicious, and it's poisoning us. We torture each other, endlessly, tirelessly, until both of us said: "Let's torture each other until we die."

Until my heart tells me: "Let the torture lives on. It just seemed to be impossible for me to live on without her now." So I set out to find my own enemies in my mind that keep telling me to breakup and call it an end once in for all. I swing my sword in such a perfect manner and grace that I lost myself in the battle. And here I go, I scream at the top of my voice every night and day...and every morning when I wake, I tell myself to repeat the same mistake, over and over and over and over again.

Every night, this time, this hour, this minute, I fall at your feet. Your finger of blame waves around in an erratic motion, and sometimes it will turn upon itself. Then you will start to cry. Your tears rain down on me, like jewels falling from the heaven. And you started to go psycho. You are having illusions, suddenly. You wield your words in a smart and accountable fashion. I believe them. I were worried, and I were happy, and then I were lost. Then there I was, you unveil the seemingly 'understandable' truth that it's just a conjured image of yours. I get furious, I get disappointed and I get angry. And then when the fury recedes, I am back to my role as a dog, bowing to you every minute when you need me to.

I resisted, and I gave up. Every now and then we struggle to get the hold of each other. Existence itself is redefined. We are meant to be. We are meant to exist together while tormenting each other.

Until the hour came that I decided to end it all for good. Am I doing the right thing? Am I actually solving the problem in the right way? I don't know. I love her. I love her with the whole of my heart. I started this call of relationship with good deeds. I keep wondering, why am I on a no man's land while I have so many plans at start that seem to execute perfectly? What are our problems? There are a thousand questions to answer, and none of them I have any clue. You told me, if we love each other enough, then 'torture' itself is actually an enjoyment rather than sadness and burden. But it has been a burden to me. Is it true? That I love you not enough?

Am I even close to close this up after you decided to change your msn and phone number? Every now and then I will 'accidentally' stumble upon your photos here and there and everywhere. Every now and then I will have this regret that I should have not broken up with you in the first place. But what is the regret for since I answered you 'no' continuously, three times in a row? It is unacceptable for me to revoke my own action d, right? Even if I plan to, what will become of us? Set out to destroy each other again? Or we will actually do it right this time, rest if off, grow up and love one another like any other loving couple? Is it possible?

My heart weeps, when the night is late and the sun seems like it will never rise again. I try so hard to sleep it off, and then when I did it it would be at least 5 or 6 in the morning. I will wake up at 4 pm later, watching hopelessly as the sun sets. Night falls again and I am off wandering in circles, again and again and again.

I ought to wake up. Somebody wakes me up. Or, am I actually dreaming? Is this just another magic trick conjured by you? I don't know anymore.

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九月天

把一切關係和溝通都切斷，這就是你的選擇嗎。
也對，我們彼此那么投入，彼此那么的用心過，我們的影子里嵌印著彼此的點點滴滴。我們之間，擁有的太多，扭一扭頭，到處都是彼此之間的記憶。

你選擇了，我的世界也灰了。我失去了一切希望，給自己的藉口，什麽都是假的，只有你的離去是最真實的。

我 開始在想，可能，這是我們彼此之間最好的協定。沒有了你，我不會老盯著電腦螢幕，在尋找著你的蹤影。想你的時候，又忍不住發信息給你，就好像你說的，又 去撥動你的心跳。你的生活，因為我的自私而永遠都走不出陰霾。我們兩個天天都在問彼此到底是什麽問題。你的問題，我還是不敢和你說，怕傷害你。我的問題， 我承認了，可是你老覺得我還是沒告訴你什麽，所以大家都一直在猜疑，一直在磨磨蹭蹭。你是怕，我們一輩子都這樣子吧。嗯，我也在想，這樣子來看，你的決定 的確是準確而適應情況的。

我中了你的毒，你也中了我的毒。我可以在有你的情況下繼續生存下去，可是你卻是不能的。我務必有這個責任讓你 走，讓你好好的療傷，讓你好好的過生活。這才 是我，我作為最後一個負起責任的最後一件事吧。既然我把責任攬在身上，那我應該咬著牙，繼續往這條路走下去，讓你過得好好，不要再讓自己成為你的困擾。

希望，當我不再是你的困擾的時候，你會以我為傲。

我 現在身無寸鐵，說什麽以我為傲呢。。。我是不是太天真了些。所以，從這一刻開始，我要讓你知道，你可以以我為傲。我會很努力，讓自己往更高更高的方向攀 爬。這個九月份的這一個晚上，我突然十分的五月天。想起了他們的‘牙關’，他們的‘倔強’。我會咬緊牙關，繼續漂流，在巔峰上徘徊，直到哪一天什麽時候， 你會想起我這個人，向你身邊的人說，這個人，你認識。

那，我就很滿足了。今天，我失去了你，可是我一定，一定一定要拿下我可以拿的。一直攀爬，往巔峰上的巔峰在繼續前進。

前進，永往直走，永往高爬。

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給我的天使，甄

珮甄，生日快樂！！其實，我很期待這一刻的。可是，今晚，你把我的心情給降落了。可是我還是希望我可以給你帶來歡樂。和你在一起，你不開心的時候太多了，這對身體不好，特別你這段時間又要考試，身子也有問題。

今天，你二十二歲了，我只停留在二十一這個數字上。感覺上大家都老了，只是你老一點。老實說，最近也覺得自己變沉悶了，做完了事情回到寢室，累得象一條狗，心思都不愿意花了，理虧的是我，這肯定。對自己的女朋友，沒有理由不花心思的吧。

想想，我其實是一個極其懶惰的傢伙。雖然人家說，我要去花一丁點心思，費的只是一些腦力，卻只有我自己知道，我是一個完美主義者。要設計一個驚奇，我需要巨量的安排和時間還有心思，所以，珮甄，我對不起你。這一點我承認，我老了，也變得有點，不好玩了吧。

你的理由有根據，我的理由一塌糊涂。我托你為我老媽買禮物，而我把你看做親人，卻沒有托任何人買禮物，這也說不過去吧。要是一個男人像我這種田地，在敲著自己的腦袋問自己到底在做什麽的時候，是不是，我應該好好反省，好好讓你有屬於你自己的天空，一片沒有我的天空？

什麽時候我不浪漫了。什麽時候曾經覺得自己是浪漫情人的那個人，消失了？

深深地。那種感覺深深地，我知道，也明瞭，心底是對你有多么深厚的感情的。什麽時候我們兩個開始尷尬起來了，我也收斂了，你也容易懷疑了。

我希望至少今天，我們以歡笑慶祝你的生日。因為今天，我才擁有你。因為今天，我才有一個關懷愛我的人。因為今天，是屬於你的，也是屬於我的。我在反思，我在醒悟。

珮甄，生日快樂。我是愛你的。謝謝九月八日，這么一個特別的日子，給我帶來了一個我生命中特別的天使。而這個天使，卻被我無意中剪去了雙翼。如果可以，我要讓你開開心心，不再憂悒，不再傷心，不再哭泣，以我畢生的能力賦予你。

生日快樂！