The Undeniable Truth

I never wanted to write this. I knew it won’t come to me in any form of sensible notion but still the intuition drives me. It drives me hard, it infatuates me and it eats me from the inside every day and every minute I am breathing. I hope one day I will be released from this hell but I have been trying for two years. *deep sigh* I am still here. I tried to look at other girls but never once my heart could sway, not even a slight twitch of muscles. Therefore I guess if I didn’t write this I will soon become a pathetic soul encompassed by wild torments and anguish.

Long before I realize it was coming to me, I mean the gush of passions of love, it delved deep, residing silently. I would have guessed that will be the cherish of a lively sparkling chemistry of life, but then it seemed not to be.

After a few long chats with my best friend, acquiring advices and philosophies (impromptu? Lolz…) finally it came to me that I am a coward in the vocabulary of love. I am afraid to confess, I am afraid to ask something I really wanted to know, I am afraid to speak my true feelings…I am afraid to…I am afraid to…and I am afraid to!! God you name it. I feel the inferiority is infesting deep inside me, and it is disemboweling my organs which detect any sense of life in me. She is the one, it’s a truthful yes for me after I confirmed it two years ago when I met her, but then the fact which ‘I am not the one in her mind’ is topping over me, even for my situation now seems to be delightful and with hopes to my friends, this predicament/statement/fact/hypothesis is still superior over anything else. Or you speak as it suits, over everything. My heart aches with every thought of her and it aches even more when I struggle to get the very thought of my mind. It has lasted two years…I thought it would have stopped after I aborted the attempt of casting off my troubles by jumping off the train from KL last November (or December? I could barely remember). I hit my heart in the chest hard: “Mate, it’s time to stop thinking bout her”. It felt no pain. But only till now I realize the pain is still living inside me, just that it is kept aside from my thoughts. I think, after all, the very pain has become one of those subconscious vital signs in my life. It has become something like breathing and heartbeats, uncontrollable by the means of conscious minds.

Finally I come to understand why Dan could possibly love a girl for a time so long (10 years…or 9 years ++??) without falling for the others. He just couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I tried but I can’t. It’s like, everybody is telling us to think bout the reality, the real life, the future, the career, the jobs, the xxxx, the yyyy, the zzzz and till in the end it is nothing merely other than strong distress. I wanted to give her something, something I could which would serve to secure her life, and I would have given everything I have. But the age gap is there. I think a lot and I don’t think I am thinking too much. The problem still comes to the root of all roots: Will she accept it? Will she have any affection towards me? These questions trouble me so much until in the end I decided to give every single thing I have and not taking any. There I go, my friends, I am being eaten by the devil inside slowly. The grief and regrets inside build up every single day. I am helpless with myself. I have lots to give but I can’t because I am coward who couldn’t confess nor ask how she feels. I am a coward after all, ain’t it true? *deep deep sigh*


(Yellowcard – Gifts & Curses)
Mary belongs to the words of a song.
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.
But she will not wait for me, anymore, anymore.
Why did I say all those things before? I was sure.

(She is the one), but I have a purpose,
(she is the one), and I have to fight this,
(she is the one), a villian I can't knock down.

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,
still I will always fight on for you.

Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?

(She is the one), all that I wanted,
(she is the one), and I will be haunted,
(she is the one), this gift is my curse for now.

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,
Still I will always fight on for you. Fight on for you ...


Above is the lyrics of a song which has accompanied my pain and sorrow all along. Yeah you bet it…it’s one of the songs written for the movie Spiderman 2. I am as pathetic as Peter Parker (spiderman). I failed to confess because I am a coward but still, every strife and hardships I am going through now or I had gone through in the past, she’s the person in my mind that I fight on with. I see her face with every punch I take…and every bone I break, it’s all for her.

Ya, my worst pains are words I cannot say, but still, I will always fight on for her. That, I believe, is the undeniable truth which I have been trying to deny for two years, and even now when I am writing this post.