The Typical Penang Driver (Extreme Version)

I was on my freaking fast way to Lye Peng Travel Agency (Penang Road there…) to retrieve my passport after my China visa was ready on Friday…I drove with maximum speed I could on the road becoz a ping hwa fren going with us to HK said she gonna wait for me…but when half way to there, I wanna make a call…eh?? My hp leh????????? HOLY SHIT!!! Dun tell me I din bring it???? I went insane instantly and drove with double the speed back to my house, on the way back kena blocked by a lot fxxking school buses and desperate parents who forced their way to the side lane of ping hwa to park. I was so desperate then, and on the way back I honked god-knows how many times.

Finally I was home. I jumped down from my car after performing a drift-parking. (the tyres screeched in protest!!!) I went into my house, searched for my hp in every nook and cranny until my moh chang (hokkien, means hair all stands up in agony) but still cant find my hp…so in the end I decided to let it be. But when I hopped in my car, eh, why my hp is there at the corner of the passenger seat?? AHHH!!! IT MUST HAD SLIDED DOWN WHEN I DROVE!! HELL!!!! I punched my steering hard…God, I wasted 20 mins just like that!!

With three times the speed I stepped on the oil pedal and zoomed my old Datsun’s speed to 60 miles per hour towards Penang road…on the way to there, I thought ‘intelligently’ to myself that maybe I could avoid the ping hwa traffic by mere shortcuts ppl dunno…well, I succeeded mostly, until I chose the wrong road…the one leading to pulau tikus police station from the Bandar Baru supermarket road (I dunno what it is called…I hope u guys understand it)…Once I picked that road I knew I was gone case d…coz the traffic lights there are notorious for its ‘late-comings’ and short duration of green light. BUT THAT WAS NOT ALL. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, surely! There was one freaking ang mor who was driving a big fat stupid mercedez benz, and she seemed not to know that road is meant for two lanes…one going straight to new gurney drive/turn left to One-stop and the other one turning right to the pulau tikus police station. (get to know it’s a female ang mor…coz I planned to show that driver the international symbol when I drove past the car...but in the end din do it). Well, I dunno it at start…but when cars from my behind starting to take over me and the cars in front using the wrong side of the road, I went frustrated. MY GOD, I WAS WAITING ETHICALLY AND U GUYS JUST DO THAT??? I was so tulan that I push my car so close to the back of the car in front to prevent a freaking proton saga to slit in. To voice my anger, I honked four times when that saga attempted to slit in by force and I scowled at the female Chinese driver. At that time the whole road went chaos. It was due to the proton saga was on the wrong side of the road, blocking every car coming down on the right. The whole traffic there just stucked and the other few cars which attempted to follow the proton saga’s example were stucked too behind, on the wrong side of the road too. I really boh chap siao…the proton saga driver oso not brave enuff to honk me. “It’s okay…” I said to myself. “it will clear up when the lights go green”

But hell, it din clear up!! Why?? Because now I found out there’s that freaking big fat mercedez not moving at all!!! That freaking ang mor who was so…..polite??? she just let every car coming from a small lane on the left from the dunno-what-it-is-called residential area (ah yeah, chuan wei lives there!!) into our road, which in turn we’re not moving, and the latecomers from the small lane got to enjoy the green light!!! And to my horror, the cars just couldn’t stop pouring out…they are………UNSTOPPABLE!!! The proton saga on my right finally got a chance when the cars coming down on the right reversed a lil to let her through……..GUESS WHERE’S SHE’S GOING?? My goodness she turns left to the small lane!!!! MY GOD!!! It was just so unethical of her!!! And for the next 5 minutes everything is chaos again…now the cars are moving…but it’s the cars from the small lane…moving to our rightful lanes because of that freaking mercedez, and cars from the small lane which turn right into the lane on my right get to move because the cars coming down from the right lane were all stucked by another trying-shortcut-by-driving-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-roads cars. It was too…..=.=||||||| therefore in the end I decided to join the race for the green light contest. I immediately reversed my car and drove my car to the wrong side of the road, forcing every car coming out from the small lane to stop, and then I saw the ang mor in the mercedez whom I planned to show the international sign to. Had it been a local I would have done that for sure! But I din…coz it’s ang mor…she din know a thing bout ‘politeness’ in penang drivers.

After owning my rightful turn and leaving every cars stucking behind me to clear up their own mess, I drove smoothly to Penang road without much troubles. After retrieving my passport, I went to my parking lot (I parked on the left side of the road, where there are yellow boxes for cars to park) to go home. I turned my head back to look at the cars traveling past me, finding a gap for me to join the traffic (there’s no worries for cars in front coz there’s no way a car could appear in front for I am on the left side of the road, and there are no roads for cars to come out from). My feet were ready on the clutch, brake and oil pedal, ready to move when I found a gap. But suddenly I braked in horror because my head turned back in time to spot a motorcyclist driving towards me. WHAT THE HECK??? HE’S ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!!! And that freaking motorcyclist is a ah pek summore, and he came out of nowhere!!! I was so shocked that I din even honk. The ah pek din even notice the dangers he had just undergone!!!

What a day for me as the typical Penang driver…just that all that I messed up with were extreme cases!!! Frightful ones but I escaped unscathed in the end too. Next time I gotta be more hiong d. In Penang, drivers who dun follow the rules haf the big say. It’s all about being hiong.