哀愁，淡淡的

after watching a few episodes of ‘仙剑奇侠传', though there were a lot really childish-like kungfu stunts and characters, but still i give it a good-rating when i heard its ending song by Power Station.

These few days i was engulfed in a state of mild sadness, so mild that sometimes you couldn't even hear it, but then when i close my eyes: here it is. i can touch it with my both hands. i hold it dearly. it has been ages i din feel like this. the last time is in form six, especially in upper six, when things are so unpredictable and my heart is emptied of all feelings but those for her.

命中注定
没有你的未来
莫失莫忘渐渐消失的空白

什么都别说
我不想懂
至少我还拥有
美丽的梦

什么都别说
我真的不想懂

Tonight, the sky is so clear; the wind so strong; the air so cold. I am miles away from my home, from her. Maybe, we're just moments away.

游子

Oh my, i dunno how to say this but i miss home dearly!! I never miss Penang that much, that i could assure myself of. This dear feeling of missing home hurts so much deep down inside until i could actually feel the gush of tears and pain in my chest. Why am I not in my home celebrating chinese new year as always? Why I didn't get to see my parents at home at the first day of the new year? Why i didn't get to sit down in front of the tv, watching chinese new year special blockbuster while chewing new year food and browsing my eyes through a book i newly acquired?

The presence of my mum beside me while i am busy studying, reading books, resting after work, and thousands of conversations that I had with her when both of us are alone and are into talking...we talk about lives, about girls i date, about the future i want, about her singing her favourite songs, about her tiredness after work, about my griefs and her sorrows, about our dog Lucky who got so naughty and sick these days, about housechores that I wanna help out on, about going to some places we really wanna go together, about hanging out with her friends....; the mere feeling of my sofa when I glide my hand on it, it reminds me of my dear living room where I spent living 70% of my life; the huge standing fan which cools me whenever i feel too hot in the middle of the day after finish playing some games or reading some books; the dvd-player i bought which played me thousands of songs touching my soul and movies and dramas that awed me deeply; my dear computer which played me hundreds of anime episodes and fill my free time chatting with ppl while i feel lonely; my old dear Datsun PN 406 which I drove so often to sch, mamak stall and hundreds of place to hang out with friends and or by myself; my little cruising saga PCA 3312 which i drove to fetch girls i m dating with, and of course, to court her out on dates which i am so anticipated of; my dear bed which I spent my time sleeping, reading and thinking about things in life; my bathroom which i used to shower in the dark night while shutting off all the lights, focusing myself fully on my sensitive side and my doings in life; the little lane beside my house that i used to trail my thoughts and play some wild-goose-chase with my dog; the wall separating our yard from our neighbour's which i used to climb when i had some thoughts playing; the old road to botanical garden which i used to jog once or twice in a week when i m in need of exercise and self-motivation; the little field of grass beside my yard which i love to trim when i feel like moving my bones; the dishes that i do everytime i finish my dinner late...since i m the one who finish late all the while; the air vent which i like so much that i release it down whenever i feel the sunlight is not scorching enough to burn my skin while basking under it; the ang kong i used to pray to whenever i walk past them in my house...all these stuff, i miss them so much until i can actually visualize it in front of me so dearly. It is really painful to me that i can't touch or live in it.

How i wish i could stand in front of my porch as always, feeling the mere breeze of wind gushing to my face. I miss my home, and how i wanted to be back but i can't. Hong kong is a place I do not belong to. I belong to the land where i live in. This year, i know, finally, how a person who is away from his homeland feels. It's not only loneliness. It's a brew of bitterness, loneliness, pain, sorrow, love and the wish to belong.

猪年虎行运，新年齐共庆

恭喜发财!!新年快乐!!心想事成!!学业进步!!

好,新的一年总于到了!!既然是属于你我华人的新年,我就永久违的华文来打着一篇文字吧! ;-)

今年是猪年，可是大家知道吗，虎是今年最旺运的生肖。事事都如意愿喔!! =D

居然是大家的一年，那么我就此祝大家事事顺心，一块儿在新的一年进步，还有最重要的是身体健康!!!

大家一起努力喔！！

Option

Time doesn't wait for us. Everyday you wait, is another day that never you never get back. Never get to realize that huh.

You could say it's good to have an option in life, and it could be bad too. Or better, there's no good or bad. Like decisions. There's always no so-called better decision. If we live off thinking that there're always better decision, then i guess, our lives gonna be so full of regrets. We probably could have done a lot of better things with that time wasted on regretting.

When things start to get ugly and you don't know what to do, i think, the best way is to wait it out. When things need u to get them into motion, don't hesitate. After all, it's about timing. You rush, you regret; you waited too long, you regret too. Instinct is what to guide us. After all timetable is a schedule well-thought out to spend time efficiently when we are ready to do so. It's time. It is.

There's a difference between growing up and growing old. We all grow old, but not all of us grow up. Am i growing up? Let not me be the judge. Let time be.

Break

Sometimes i just got thought up of what am i doing here. I know it's stupid. This question has been answered before...but you see, i m like this: sometimes, i ask myself the same question again, and another answer will come up. I could actually say, sometimes, the answer is more mature.

2 weeks had gone by and now i think i need this break to think up some stuff, seriously. I had not been really into the wheel of effort to polish up my understanding of what i am studying. Something is missing lately. But i'm quite sure i m recollecting my steps on the way. Nearly, which is.

Been watching One tree hill season one lately. Pick up from where I stopped last semester. Got some thoughts in motion after watching a few episodes. I guess I would just spend today...and maybe tomorrow to think about my motivation and my studies. Throughout this, i gonna have Lucas walk me through.

I need a break, a break from my own expectation.

New season

Haha guys, naruto series finally will start its new season starting...this week!!! :D
The shit, bloody fillers finally come to an end. Such a pain in the ass they are. The long-awaited season that is!!! Yippie!!

Seems like not only naruto anime is stepping into new season. What i come to realize is, almost everyone of us in the good old gang has grown up quite a deal and i could actually say, our friendship are stepping into a new season too. I am really proud of everyone, that's what i can say.

Let's see...the first was Dori Chin. Old xinch went through a deep and serious conflict with her housemates, declared herself in war for months, a gruelling period; tears paved the road she tramped and with supports from friends and a lot of positive thinking, she made her way through, starts afresh with a finally full-fledged mature xinch after her edward ordeal. Indeed, with so much to deal about, she finally grows up to someone who i acknowledge as an on-par mature person. Hahaha, this means I can talk to u about life and thoughts quite openly d. (in the past used to siam all those open stuff that i know will definitely made u jump...but now, hehe, good job. welcome to our rank, xinch ;-) )

Caryn fought herself through her own ordeal at the same time. Dealing with hard ppl in her college from the society she joined, and some eyes-protruding relationship meltdown made her really down. She even drank a lot of beer. (hahaha...dun say it's not true ya :D) Opening her own path through the bushes with thorns, she was born a life new, with more mature opinions about life and relationship with people. Caryn, good job. You have more to learn but coming all this way, it's not easy too. Gambatte!!

On the other side of the world in hk, u guys punya fren named gy leng here went through a lot shit stuff. I stumbled myself upon a relationship which I did not foresee in the first place. I misjudged my own self, got lost in the new environment and changed my personalities subconsciously, without I knowing it myself too. Had a fight with xinch over internet too, which i forgot until she reminded when i visited her in kl a month ago. (god, xinch u have a vengeful spirit. i forgot d oso...u still can remember...rotfl) That time i was made the helpless soul myself. Trapped in the expectation of scoring high in exams in order to win those great guys from china and hk in a curve grading system, everything seemed to be at stake. Finally, I am really happy that i got through, with a sensible mind that caught me before i fell into the valley of no return. This was not solely because of my thoughts as well. I hafta thank a bunch of best friends around me who din hesitate to kick my butt when they see me not seeing what I had done wrong. Xinch, i thank you for the blog post that seemed controversial to ur friends but i know it is for me, to wake me up. And thanks for all the advices u gave me when chatting on msn and skype. You dun give a lot of good thing for me to reflect on, but u know, hearing ur voice alone reminded me of who i really was in the past. And bird dan, that time u kicked my butt hard for all the silly thing i did. If you din do that maybe i could only wake up by now. All thanks to ur courage, support and passion from the heart. You keep me going.

June trailed after the three of us next. She, finally dealt with the unforgiveness inside her that had been stored for almost three years, stumbled herself upon a lightning sort-of crush. With a lot of downs and befuddlement, she made it through nonetheless, with a mind of logical thinking and mature decision. Having broken through the wall that shielded her immaturity lately, i find it really fulfilling talking to her since I could finally communicate with her without much difficulties. June, i support you all the way. Good job making it this far. ;-)

Lastly the slack guru set the stage. Dan, you'd gone through this for a time too long. Too long man. A lot of us have been really concerned about what u had been enduring and what we could do is to stand beside u and watch. We've been hinting u about it all along but u seem to catch up with ur own own misguided way of conscience. Finally u made me confronted u. Really, this is ur life and we couldn't do anything but we feel guilty because we carry the responsibilities as ur closest friends. Haha, now that you had walked out of the room, but u just hafta leave ur shadow behind. I am sure that gonna happen soon since it's only a matter of time. Lolz...good job man. And I hope to see u overcoming the slacking thing this year. Hope i won't remember the term 'slack guru' when i thought of u next time. ;-)


Talked with bird dan over msn that night...a night of really philosophical talk...a lot of inspiring ideas and thoughts about life. Yeap, true, finally i found the line inside me: there's no better path. If there is, then we'll be regretting the decision we made all along our life becoz we will think that we always made the wrong decision. Finally, guys, the light to our new season. *drums rolling* A new chapter in life. Another arc of life that full of surprises and challenges, and this time faced by a bunch of energetic youths with mature thinking. We're making our ways through now, finally.

This new year, i see old faces shining with new looks. From now on, we will take on the world, together. Gambatte guys!!! This is our new season!!!

The tightrope

Days go by. I'm still here. I made some progress, and I couldn't keep it up tonight. *sigh* I guess it's time to instill some motion in what i m doing.

Let the rhythm of 'Gifts and curses' accompany me tonight to sleep. Tomorrow, I gotta jack my gear and set full throttle ahead. Well, i guess it's a showdown for me, since this semester decides the very last effort of me getting the highest honor in my stream. It's not about the honor. It's about my future. And part of it, because of her.

There're time I get to think about a life of my own. Guess I am slowly walking towards it, finally. What I really hope to do is to recollect my crazy pace of studying again. But then the light is around the corner...I started to see it shining.

Tomorrow, I will walk the tightrope. What comes next, I will update you guys about it. I promise I won't let you all down. And the promise I made in your living room, it's a lifetime promise. I will work to death to fulfill it, no matter what to come. It's time for me to become stronger.

I have faith in that. It's a promise.

Not so far away

Tonight, before sleep, I decided to talk to myself again. Is it time that drifts me away from my course of action again? After reading xinch's post and get to say goodbye to ee lin before she left tomorrow, I could say that I got myself immersed into emotions again.

Attending Civl111, a course bout construction materials today, got lost between professor's lame accent and unclarified terms, I slowly drifted into a land between wary and dream. Everyone was so happy there. Dan, tst, xinch, june, caryn, ewe jin and a lot more who we use to hang out with...we're happy for no reason at all. Maybe we're happy just for the sake of the company, I never know. But i know when I wake up the professor had started talking bout fracture mechanics. It's about the propagation of cracks from a small hole within a block under pressure. With that huge amount of time piling upon our friendships, miraculously, I could say, we never form cracks before. I mean, once I got into an online fight with xinch but when she got into troubles I totally forgot what happened before. When xinch told me about it only then I remembered. Felt really sad over it. I really hope that time will continue to prove that our friendships hold true and strong throughout our course of life. Guys, I have trust in our friendships. Believe me or not, this is one of the only very few things that I have so much confidence in.

Yeap. Totally agree with xinch's post about the friends we make in a total foreign land. Those friends we make are the friends we choose to make, and they're who we choose to hang out with. Never to get this across my mind before. I had something further to add to this: maybe, if anything goes wrong with these friendships, me, the very person who made this choice, should be the one to be blamed and not others. I think this mere thought made me rethink those thoughts that seem so true to me a few days ago. It's my responsibility, after all. Not that I should bear myself the trouble, but at least, this is what I choose.

Just got back from library about 2 hours ago, finally, as I could say, I got myself into some motion. Haha, i mean, finally I started studying after staying stagnant for a time so long. It really feels good to grab the mere emotion to bury myself into the wonderful world of knowledge again. It never feels so fulfilling before this. Maybe I had gotten more open to ways to look at things. I feel that I m in another metamorphosis stage again. ;-)

Ee lin, take care of yourself. In a foreign land, you gonna start afresh. I wish you all the best. Well for the others, and myself, we've through a great deal. It's time to set the sail and reach far. All my friends, on the far side of the land that holds our dreams, I could see that we're already not far away. Hold on guys, just hold on. We can make it after all, no matter how unbelievable it is.

Drift away

Finally I realize how far apart we have drifted from each other. The very moment you stayed in my life during that time, it doesn't seem nostalgic to me, but rather, unreachable.

I really don't know how to explain my feelings. The time you held my hand and how I kissed you tenderly, we once exchanged looks that bind the magic called trust in each other. But now the feelings has shed off its color. It's nothing more than mere memories that lost in the jungle of life.

I guess remembering those moments bring me back to the part of me that once lived. No matter how drastic we have changed, I still have a part of you in me. Everything in the past builds a part of who we are today, that's life. After xinch reminded me of something my mind denied, I then realize that denying will only bring me down, eventually. We are bound to face something we called pain, because we will have happiness only when we know how painful and sad we were.

Maybe in days to come, I will forget about this mere thought of mine. I wanna record this, so that it stayed in the cyberspace long enough to remind me when I flip through my old posts. Life moves along with my mistakes. Time is to prove that I never make them again. I'll live a fruitful life, I promise you. You be good too, li qing.

Isolation of the mind

Now i understand fully what scars mean. When something called 'misunderstanding' and 'quarrel' happened between two friends who don't really see the real person in each other (as in not knowing each other long enough; or tolerate each other), the scars stay behind, and deepen by every day.

I never know what become of us. I just wanna say that, now, at least, that I finally understand what is mental isolation. I will just isolate my feelings, my true self from you. Today, the sky looks blue and bright, but we both know, we're cold from the inside. From here on, we end the tie i call: heart-to-heart friendship, if that's what you really want. Cheers man, trust me, when you open your heart or when you finally realize it, don't feel regret over it. I am just another passerby in your life, like you, in mine.

Reflection

I hardly recover from the deep emotions i m inscribed in after watching "A walk to remember", again. It's like, I had forgotten all those true feelings and old thoughts inside me all along. How hard I wished and fought my way to this good university i m in now, those old days when everything I have now seems to be so far, far away.

"Getting out of Beaufort is not a problem. It's more like figuring out what you gonna do when you get somewhere."

If life is ever so fragile, I hope the inner child will hold me in one piece, and guide me on with my true heart. Days in foreign lands are not hard; they are like fluid containers: they change me, they twist me, for good or not, I never know. But one thing for sure is I do not want to lose all those feelings once resided inside me. They're once my motivation.

Is something planned for us beyond this? I think I do not know, and do not wish to think deeper into it. I will lose myself while searching the answer in between. Sometimes there're too many theories and we kinda get lost in the maze.

I guess I do not need to look around for motivation anymore. It's already inside me, within me, and a part of me all along. It's asleep, or rather, it's forgotten.

A precious chance I fought all that hard for in the past, listening to the sad music I used to listen to, getting up late at night eating supper with a bunch of friends after a late study, watching movies depicting youngsters who fought their ways towards college...oh God, i can't believe that only 1 hour ago I just recalled myself those precious memories, ambitions and feelings that accompany me along in the long, dark night. This is what I've been looking for, ain't it?

Slowly caressing the furnitures all around me, I think to myself: it's time. It's not about getting motivated to study or do something in life. Motivation is a false light that always need to be serviced and maintained. Personally, I think I just figured out how to get over it. In the end, it's all about doing what I chose, and hold faith in the direction I want myself to be on. It's also about the faith I have in myself.

Faith.