I am up while I should be sleeping soundly by now. The past few weeks have been fulfilling. I am getting more and more accustomed to the person anew; the inner struggles and some sort of 'shock' somehow has dissipated away. What replaces the previous uneasiness is a kind of guilt; not the bad kind, but the kind which a man who found himself late in life bears. It is very likely one that I will carry for the rest of my life. I can never be truly evil; it's just not possible anymore.
I think this has more to do with the meaning instilled inside, now glimmering instead of a shining glow that pierces. I am more comfortable with this kind of light: subtle enough. Not standing out too much, not trying to prove anything. Simply there, doing his own deeds, sowing quietly. I kinda like it. There's this inner peace to it.
And I come to admit that bad habits I used to call bad are just inevitable natural part of a cycle. Of course I would get mentally tired after a long haul; of course I need to fail a number of times enough to be able to do something well. And of course I need to read for a few days before I can write with a crafty touch on academic subject. I am no more too harsh on myself, and because I admit these being parts of the natural cycles in life, I can observe myself from another perspective. It's hard to explain, but it's certainly a refreshing spot to be in.
Life moves on. I hope I can be there, places where revolutionary ideas and paths torching the paths, and be the one who starts the fire. The only way I can reach there is to be honest with myself, to fulfill responsibilities and at the same time, to trust people who fight hand in hand with me. I have made my stand. The unknown is yonder, and the sails are set.