哀愁，淡淡的

after watching a few episodes of ‘仙剑奇侠传', though there were a lot really childish-like kungfu stunts and characters, but still i give it a good-rating when i heard its ending song by Power Station.

These few days i was engulfed in a state of mild sadness, so mild that sometimes you couldn't even hear it, but then when i close my eyes: here it is. i can touch it with my both hands. i hold it dearly. it has been ages i din feel like this. the last time is in form six, especially in upper six, when things are so unpredictable and my heart is emptied of all feelings but those for her.

命中注定
没有你的未来
莫失莫忘渐渐消失的空白

什么都别说
我不想懂
至少我还拥有
美丽的梦

什么都别说
我真的不想懂

Tonight, the sky is so clear; the wind so strong; the air so cold. I am miles away from my home, from her. Maybe, we're just moments away.

游子

Oh my, i dunno how to say this but i miss home dearly!! I never miss Penang that much, that i could assure myself of. This dear feeling of missing home hurts so much deep down inside until i could actually feel the gush of tears and pain in my chest. Why am I not in my home celebrating chinese new year as always? Why I didn't get to see my parents at home at the first day of the new year? Why i didn't get to sit down in front of the tv, watching chinese new year special blockbuster while chewing new year food and browsing my eyes through a book i newly acquired?

The presence of my mum beside me while i am busy studying, reading books, resting after work, and thousands of conversations that I had with her when both of us are alone and are into talking...we talk about lives, about girls i date, about the future i want, about her singing her favourite songs, about her tiredness after work, about my griefs and her sorrows, about our dog Lucky who got so naughty and sick these days, about housechores that I wanna help out on, about going to some places we really wanna go together, about hanging out with her friends....; the mere feeling of my sofa when I glide my hand on it, it reminds me of my dear living room where I spent living 70% of my life; the huge standing fan which cools me whenever i feel too hot in the middle of the day after finish playing some games or reading some books; the dvd-player i bought which played me thousands of songs touching my soul and movies and dramas that awed me deeply; my dear computer which played me hundreds of anime episodes and fill my free time chatting with ppl while i feel lonely; my old dear Datsun PN 406 which I drove so often to sch, mamak stall and hundreds of place to hang out with friends and or by myself; my little cruising saga PCA 3312 which i drove to fetch girls i m dating with, and of course, to court her out on dates which i am so anticipated of; my dear bed which I spent my time sleeping, reading and thinking about things in life; my bathroom which i used to shower in the dark night while shutting off all the lights, focusing myself fully on my sensitive side and my doings in life; the little lane beside my house that i used to trail my thoughts and play some wild-goose-chase with my dog; the wall separating our yard from our neighbour's which i used to climb when i had some thoughts playing; the old road to botanical garden which i used to jog once or twice in a week when i m in need of exercise and self-motivation; the little field of grass beside my yard which i love to trim when i feel like moving my bones; the dishes that i do everytime i finish my dinner late...since i m the one who finish late all the while; the air vent which i like so much that i release it down whenever i feel the sunlight is not scorching enough to burn my skin while basking under it; the ang kong i used to pray to whenever i walk past them in my house...all these stuff, i miss them so much until i can actually visualize it in front of me so dearly. It is really painful to me that i can't touch or live in it.

How i wish i could stand in front of my porch as always, feeling the mere breeze of wind gushing to my face. I miss my home, and how i wanted to be back but i can't. Hong kong is a place I do not belong to. I belong to the land where i live in. This year, i know, finally, how a person who is away from his homeland feels. It's not only loneliness. It's a brew of bitterness, loneliness, pain, sorrow, love and the wish to belong.

猪年虎行运，新年齐共庆

恭喜发财!!新年快乐!!心想事成!!学业进步!!

好,新的一年总于到了!!既然是属于你我华人的新年,我就永久违的华文来打着一篇文字吧! ;-)

今年是猪年，可是大家知道吗，虎是今年最旺运的生肖。事事都如意愿喔!! =D

居然是大家的一年，那么我就此祝大家事事顺心，一块儿在新的一年进步，还有最重要的是身体健康!!!

大家一起努力喔！！

Option

Time doesn't wait for us. Everyday you wait, is another day that never you never get back. Never get to realize that huh.

You could say it's good to have an option in life, and it could be bad too. Or better, there's no good or bad. Like decisions. There's always no so-called better decision. If we live off thinking that there're always better decision, then i guess, our lives gonna be so full of regrets. We probably could have done a lot of better things with that time wasted on regretting.

When things start to get ugly and you don't know what to do, i think, the best way is to wait it out. When things need u to get them into motion, don't hesitate. After all, it's about timing. You rush, you regret; you waited too long, you regret too. Instinct is what to guide us. After all timetable is a schedule well-thought out to spend time efficiently when we are ready to do so. It's time. It is.

There's a difference between growing up and growing old. We all grow old, but not all of us grow up. Am i growing up? Let not me be the judge. Let time be.

Break

Sometimes i just got thought up of what am i doing here. I know it's stupid. This question has been answered before...but you see, i m like this: sometimes, i ask myself the same question again, and another answer will come up. I could actually say, sometimes, the answer is more mature.

2 weeks had gone by and now i think i need this break to think up some stuff, seriously. I had not been really into the wheel of effort to polish up my understanding of what i am studying. Something is missing lately. But i'm quite sure i m recollecting my steps on the way. Nearly, which is.

Been watching One tree hill season one lately. Pick up from where I stopped last semester. Got some thoughts in motion after watching a few episodes. I guess I would just spend today...and maybe tomorrow to think about my motivation and my studies. Throughout this, i gonna have Lucas walk me through.

I need a break, a break from my own expectation.

New season

Haha guys, naruto series finally will start its new season starting...this week!!! :D
The shit, bloody fillers finally come to an end. Such a pain in the ass they are. The long-awaited season that is!!! Yippie!!

Seems like not only naruto anime is stepping into new season. What i come to realize is, almost everyone of us in the good old gang has grown up quite a deal and i could actually say, our friendship are stepping into a new season too. I am really proud of everyone, that's what i can say.

Let's see...the first was Dori Chin. Old xinch went through a deep and serious conflict with her housemates, declared herself in war for months, a gruelling period; tears paved the road she tramped and with supports from friends and a lot of positive thinking, she made her way through, starts afresh with a finally full-fledged mature xinch after her edward ordeal. Indeed, with so much to deal about, she finally grows up to someone who i acknowledge as an on-par mature person. Hahaha, this means I can talk to u about life and thoughts quite openly d. (in the past used to siam all those open stuff that i know will definitely made u jump...but now, hehe, good job. welcome to our rank, xinch ;-) )

Caryn fought herself through her own ordeal at the same time. Dealing with hard ppl in her college from the society she joined, and some eyes-protruding relationship meltdown made her really down. She even drank a lot of beer. (hahaha...dun say it's not true ya :D) Opening her own path through the bushes with thorns, she was born a life new, with more mature opinions about life and relationship with people. Caryn, good job. You have more to learn but coming all this way, it's not easy too. Gambatte!!

On the other side of the world in hk, u guys punya fren named gy leng here went through a lot shit stuff. I stumbled myself upon a relationship which I did not foresee in the first place. I misjudged my own self, got lost in the new environment and changed my personalities subconsciously, without I knowing it myself too. Had a fight with xinch over internet too, which i forgot until she reminded when i visited her in kl a month ago. (god, xinch u have a vengeful spirit. i forgot d oso...u still can remember...rotfl) That time i was made the helpless soul myself. Trapped in the expectation of scoring high in exams in order to win those great guys from china and hk in a curve grading system, everything seemed to be at stake. Finally, I am really happy that i got through, with a sensible mind that caught me before i fell into the valley of no return. This was not solely because of my thoughts as well. I hafta thank a bunch of best friends around me who din hesitate to kick my butt when they see me not seeing what I had done wrong. Xinch, i thank you for the blog post that seemed controversial to ur friends but i know it is for me, to wake me up. And thanks for all the advices u gave me when chatting on msn and skype. You dun give a lot of good thing for me to reflect on, but u know, hearing ur voice alone reminded me of who i really was in the past. And bird dan, that time u kicked my butt hard for all the silly thing i did. If you din do that maybe i could only wake up by now. All thanks to ur courage, support and passion from the heart. You keep me going.

June trailed after the three of us next. She, finally dealt with the unforgiveness inside her that had been stored for almost three years, stumbled herself upon a lightning sort-of crush. With a lot of downs and befuddlement, she made it through nonetheless, with a mind of logical thinking and mature decision. Having broken through the wall that shielded her immaturity lately, i find it really fulfilling talking to her since I could finally communicate with her without much difficulties. June, i support you all the way. Good job making it this far. ;-)

Lastly the slack guru set the stage. Dan, you'd gone through this for a time too long. Too long man. A lot of us have been really concerned about what u had been enduring and what we could do is to stand beside u and watch. We've been hinting u about it all along but u seem to catch up with ur own own misguided way of conscience. Finally u made me confronted u. Really, this is ur life and we couldn't do anything but we feel guilty because we carry the responsibilities as ur closest friends. Haha, now that you had walked out of the room, but u just hafta leave ur shadow behind. I am sure that gonna happen soon since it's only a matter of time. Lolz...good job man. And I hope to see u overcoming the slacking thing this year. Hope i won't remember the term 'slack guru' when i thought of u next time. ;-)


Talked with bird dan over msn that night...a night of really philosophical talk...a lot of inspiring ideas and thoughts about life. Yeap, true, finally i found the line inside me: there's no better path. If there is, then we'll be regretting the decision we made all along our life becoz we will think that we always made the wrong decision. Finally, guys, the light to our new season. *drums rolling* A new chapter in life. Another arc of life that full of surprises and challenges, and this time faced by a bunch of energetic youths with mature thinking. We're making our ways through now, finally.

This new year, i see old faces shining with new looks. From now on, we will take on the world, together. Gambatte guys!!! This is our new season!!!

The tightrope

Days go by. I'm still here. I made some progress, and I couldn't keep it up tonight. *sigh* I guess it's time to instill some motion in what i m doing.

Let the rhythm of 'Gifts and curses' accompany me tonight to sleep. Tomorrow, I gotta jack my gear and set full throttle ahead. Well, i guess it's a showdown for me, since this semester decides the very last effort of me getting the highest honor in my stream. It's not about the honor. It's about my future. And part of it, because of her.

There're time I get to think about a life of my own. Guess I am slowly walking towards it, finally. What I really hope to do is to recollect my crazy pace of studying again. But then the light is around the corner...I started to see it shining.

Tomorrow, I will walk the tightrope. What comes next, I will update you guys about it. I promise I won't let you all down. And the promise I made in your living room, it's a lifetime promise. I will work to death to fulfill it, no matter what to come. It's time for me to become stronger.

I have faith in that. It's a promise.

Not so far away

Tonight, before sleep, I decided to talk to myself again. Is it time that drifts me away from my course of action again? After reading xinch's post and get to say goodbye to ee lin before she left tomorrow, I could say that I got myself immersed into emotions again.

Attending Civl111, a course bout construction materials today, got lost between professor's lame accent and unclarified terms, I slowly drifted into a land between wary and dream. Everyone was so happy there. Dan, tst, xinch, june, caryn, ewe jin and a lot more who we use to hang out with...we're happy for no reason at all. Maybe we're happy just for the sake of the company, I never know. But i know when I wake up the professor had started talking bout fracture mechanics. It's about the propagation of cracks from a small hole within a block under pressure. With that huge amount of time piling upon our friendships, miraculously, I could say, we never form cracks before. I mean, once I got into an online fight with xinch but when she got into troubles I totally forgot what happened before. When xinch told me about it only then I remembered. Felt really sad over it. I really hope that time will continue to prove that our friendships hold true and strong throughout our course of life. Guys, I have trust in our friendships. Believe me or not, this is one of the only very few things that I have so much confidence in.

Yeap. Totally agree with xinch's post about the friends we make in a total foreign land. Those friends we make are the friends we choose to make, and they're who we choose to hang out with. Never to get this across my mind before. I had something further to add to this: maybe, if anything goes wrong with these friendships, me, the very person who made this choice, should be the one to be blamed and not others. I think this mere thought made me rethink those thoughts that seem so true to me a few days ago. It's my responsibility, after all. Not that I should bear myself the trouble, but at least, this is what I choose.

Just got back from library about 2 hours ago, finally, as I could say, I got myself into some motion. Haha, i mean, finally I started studying after staying stagnant for a time so long. It really feels good to grab the mere emotion to bury myself into the wonderful world of knowledge again. It never feels so fulfilling before this. Maybe I had gotten more open to ways to look at things. I feel that I m in another metamorphosis stage again. ;-)

Ee lin, take care of yourself. In a foreign land, you gonna start afresh. I wish you all the best. Well for the others, and myself, we've through a great deal. It's time to set the sail and reach far. All my friends, on the far side of the land that holds our dreams, I could see that we're already not far away. Hold on guys, just hold on. We can make it after all, no matter how unbelievable it is.

Drift away

Finally I realize how far apart we have drifted from each other. The very moment you stayed in my life during that time, it doesn't seem nostalgic to me, but rather, unreachable.

I really don't know how to explain my feelings. The time you held my hand and how I kissed you tenderly, we once exchanged looks that bind the magic called trust in each other. But now the feelings has shed off its color. It's nothing more than mere memories that lost in the jungle of life.

I guess remembering those moments bring me back to the part of me that once lived. No matter how drastic we have changed, I still have a part of you in me. Everything in the past builds a part of who we are today, that's life. After xinch reminded me of something my mind denied, I then realize that denying will only bring me down, eventually. We are bound to face something we called pain, because we will have happiness only when we know how painful and sad we were.

Maybe in days to come, I will forget about this mere thought of mine. I wanna record this, so that it stayed in the cyberspace long enough to remind me when I flip through my old posts. Life moves along with my mistakes. Time is to prove that I never make them again. I'll live a fruitful life, I promise you. You be good too, li qing.

Isolation of the mind

Now i understand fully what scars mean. When something called 'misunderstanding' and 'quarrel' happened between two friends who don't really see the real person in each other (as in not knowing each other long enough; or tolerate each other), the scars stay behind, and deepen by every day.

I never know what become of us. I just wanna say that, now, at least, that I finally understand what is mental isolation. I will just isolate my feelings, my true self from you. Today, the sky looks blue and bright, but we both know, we're cold from the inside. From here on, we end the tie i call: heart-to-heart friendship, if that's what you really want. Cheers man, trust me, when you open your heart or when you finally realize it, don't feel regret over it. I am just another passerby in your life, like you, in mine.

Reflection

I hardly recover from the deep emotions i m inscribed in after watching "A walk to remember", again. It's like, I had forgotten all those true feelings and old thoughts inside me all along. How hard I wished and fought my way to this good university i m in now, those old days when everything I have now seems to be so far, far away.

"Getting out of Beaufort is not a problem. It's more like figuring out what you gonna do when you get somewhere."

If life is ever so fragile, I hope the inner child will hold me in one piece, and guide me on with my true heart. Days in foreign lands are not hard; they are like fluid containers: they change me, they twist me, for good or not, I never know. But one thing for sure is I do not want to lose all those feelings once resided inside me. They're once my motivation.

Is something planned for us beyond this? I think I do not know, and do not wish to think deeper into it. I will lose myself while searching the answer in between. Sometimes there're too many theories and we kinda get lost in the maze.

I guess I do not need to look around for motivation anymore. It's already inside me, within me, and a part of me all along. It's asleep, or rather, it's forgotten.

A precious chance I fought all that hard for in the past, listening to the sad music I used to listen to, getting up late at night eating supper with a bunch of friends after a late study, watching movies depicting youngsters who fought their ways towards college...oh God, i can't believe that only 1 hour ago I just recalled myself those precious memories, ambitions and feelings that accompany me along in the long, dark night. This is what I've been looking for, ain't it?

Slowly caressing the furnitures all around me, I think to myself: it's time. It's not about getting motivated to study or do something in life. Motivation is a false light that always need to be serviced and maintained. Personally, I think I just figured out how to get over it. In the end, it's all about doing what I chose, and hold faith in the direction I want myself to be on. It's also about the faith I have in myself.

Faith.

Arrive; Attack; and Leave

January 24th, 10.30am, the airplane departed for Singapore, marking the end of my short holidays...a hard-earned 10 days. It's a period of joy and refreshment; new thoughts; newly found direction and, a refreshed self.

The Arrival

Saturday, January 13th, 8.30pm

The plane made a smooth touchdown, smooth as in even seatbelt is untied, you will still stick to ur seat, safe and sound. Both my palms are wet with sweat, since I gonna place my feet on the so-long soil which my dreams, personalities and love are built. The mere notion of getting to see and do everything I want flashed through my mind again. The song 'For You I'll Die' by Marion Raven played a sad tune when the seatbelt light was turned off. The land I used to be so familiar with, my family, and my dear friends. And her.


9.30pm
Well, i got myself in a cozy little restaurant (i know how to go, but dunno how to describe...nvm d ar, next time i bring u guys there lolz), had a lot of vegi which are so rareeeeee in hk. A long chat with parents bring back old days memories which I don't get to notice in old days.

10.20pm
Reached home, called xinch. She sounded shocked. Blah. I told her i gonna be back on 13th and here she goes again!!! SHE TOTALLY FORGOT. my god. I couldn't believe such a short-term memory person ever lived on this planet. She's so perfect to be Dori. Call her Dori Chin next time. I m sure we all know who she is. Got sze ming's number from through her. (actually it's---> xinch gave me june's number ---> i smsed june---> june smsed/called lydia----> lydia gave her sze ming's number ---> then june smsed me) Called sze ming. Plan wasn't going the way i planned. Shit wei zhi got his lazy bones and can't go out as he promised to sze ming a week before one again. So can't get to scare him in the first place. This also ruined my plan of surprising Duen horng on sunday. i guess i delayed everything by one day then.

The Attack Commences...

Sunday, January 14th, 2.00pm

Finished a game of dota with 5 insane comps on my old comp. Missed my old comp a lot. Half an hour ago i received a call from sze ming saying that cb dan will be out to send his bro to sch on 2.00pm, i guess it's pretty nice timing to get to his home around that time to scare him. But i got myself delayed becoz of the game. And worse still, I went to one-stop to buy myself a digi simcard before leaving for his house. I parked my car in a place nearby n walked towards his house. Time marked: 2.20pm. I got lucky. Dan's parents juz drove back. And his mum checked him out first and told me he's upstairs. Got upstairs silently, found him playing programme piano. Sneak up and tapped his shoulder. MUAHAHAHAHA...the first time in my life to see wei zhi so dumbstruck, and he can't talk for a long time. LOLZ LOLZ!!!

Monday, January 15th, 9.00pm

I was late...i was late and I was more than late. That’s all I could say at this moment…god…I sped off to her house with the rose I bought at around one stop area there. Hope that when I reach there, she won’t be sleeping d. But in fact, I was more than early. Lolz…gosh. I pasang kuat-kuat this time, formal open coat, long-sleeve white T, and nicely combed hair…haha, nvr see myself to be in such a good shape before. But then, it was like, ah, she’s not home…so I waited in my car, troubled bird dan by smsing him. In the end, I was too kin cheong, so I get him to call her with the ‘sorry, wrong number’ style to confirm she’s asleep or outside. Ah, the answer of engineering intuition is, yeap she’s outside.

In the end I waited till 10.45 sth, gave the home a call, YES!!! She answered it…hehe…got up to her house in no time (and breathless…becoz it’s 5 storeys tall), knocked the door and surprised her. *happy smile* Talked with her and her mum for 2 hours ++. (actually talked with her mum more….=.=||| ). But it really feels good to see her again. In fact, it never feels better than this. Days of being away from home, and distant calls, it drives me a little crazy d. Aihz…couldn’t date her then. Hafta wait till Sunday. :D

The Activities (January 16th till January 21st)

Yeah, never been so fruitful and packed holidays ever. Got out with old bunch of best friends, play pool, visiting relatives, attending wedding dinner, go back to sch to visit teachers and stuff. On January 20th, went sing redbox with dan, june, lydia. It feels good to sing again, lolz…June, u haf a very very good vocal, as always. And dan, u still sing with the same old croaky voice!! IMPROVE IT MAN!!! *rotfl*

On January 21st, I went out with her. Took her to a sad movie. This is the third time I saw her crying. It’s beautiful, to see the emotions flow. I get to like her more and more each days. The affection never dies off but grows stronger, I guess. Had a good talk with her. A better one than last time. It just feels like heaven. It still is.

Off to KL!! (January 22nd and 23rd)

Decided to give a visit to the old xinch and caryn in kl. It’s really sad not to be able to see them, u know. Reached kl at around 2.30pm, but waited xinch at kelana jaya until 4.30pm…my god, two hours!!!!!!!!!! It’s longer than the time I made her wait last time. God…payback time eh, xinch??? Cilaka….

But then I felt really happy to get to see her and caryn again. We went one-utama, had my belated lunch there, then went to xinch’s apartment and we chat and chat and chat and chat until we dunno when to stop. *sighz* It always feel like the time is not enough. And all right it’s not enough for sure.

Had dinner at william’s later. It is a really good dinner. Great dishes. Will get there next time if ever got the chance. (bring me there again xinch :D) Caryn caught cigarette smoke and got really allergic to it. Aihz…but other than that, it feels good. We then drop by caryn’s suite to haf a look at those photos of hers in turkey, and Greece, and we chat again. But xinch and I got tired, and literally nearly fell asleep. LOLZ. Caryn really haf nice photos there…u are bound to be a really good photographer in the future, caryn, trust me. Next time gonna get u with us to travel d. Really artistic feel in those photographs touches, really.

Went back to old xinch’s apartment later in the night, and we rock along with lostprophets’ noise. I get to like the band more and more each day. :D Had a nice shower. Ah. It feels really good to be clean. Then I slept on the mattress beside xinch’s bed. We had a pretty cozy chat in the dark until we fell asleep. Wah, xinch, it really feels good to see you and hear you again. Miss your presence in penang, and I miss it here in hk too. And I was really sorry about what happened last time. I really feel bad bout it. But either way is, you grow a lot more mature and I see that you are less angelic d…LOLZ LOLZ. DON’T try to skip meals again or u won’t know what I will give u ur next b’day d yeah.

Leaving

Wednesday, January 24th, 10.30am.

SIA flight is waiting for me, at the other end of the gate. I already started to miss home already and my circle of friends d. Ee lin, sorry that I din get to see you this time. Next time la. *sigh* “All the best to you guys!!!” that’s what I said when my flight tilted upward, soaring into the white clouds in the sky.


Epilogue

Ah, today my semester starts d…it feels sienz, finishing my training two days ago. But then I got enough sleep d, dun worry man!! And good news guys…my CGA is A- now!! Yeah!!! Got encouraged now. I am still walking on this path, with a little piece of me growing old. Man, I love being me.

Past; Present; Future

Inspired by miss cucumber's review on past year, i thought i should do sth similar as well, since i need to think bout what really happened and some brief lookout for what i should do in the future.

time flies. i've been in hong kong for already seven months: i see a great deal, i hear a great deal, and of course i learn a great deal. but there've been rights and there've been wrongs. life ain't perfect, and i believe one thing, truthfully, which is that if one person continues to live being frank and truthful to him/herself, then life is at its best. ;-)


January was when the heartbeat increased and emotions stiffened. I had been visiting KL for a few times in December 2005 and January, and I received some information that really broke my heart. Crying is not the way out; tears won't come. instead, i felt blood, dripping in my heart as my life inched on. A birthday and a new year which came in a melancholic tune. I suddenly realized it's time to heal the long-scratched heart. I settle down, and read a lot of books. Mostly are Haruki Murakami's.


February sees a merry celebration of CNY. Of course, i didn't get to realize that celebrating CNY is such a big event for me until now, when i knew that i gonna celebrate my 2007 CNY in hong kong. Burning firecrackers, and hearing the explosion going off turns out to be a slow motion movie in my mind, with some sad tunes echoing in the distant. The atmosphere, family, friends and things that hold dear to me once, suddenly become so far away. Memory works in a funny way. When i could still remember perfectly, i just happen not to feel like missing home at all. But after 7 months in hk, and those memories began to blur and sway, I started to think of a lot of stuff that once happened in my life. Those gang of friends that used to cheer my old days in Chung Ling, my dearest 'family-like' friends who i used to spill my heart to, and my dear mum who i used to hug everyday i went back home. Things seem to be so far away. I didn't cry but i can feel a short stream of tears inside my heart.


March reveals the fruitful results of STPM which I had worked really hard for in upper six. Finally the dream of going to singapore university becomes so realistic and not blurry anymore. Life is still the same. Playing games with friends in cyber cafe almost 3 or 4 days per week, hiking, jogging and hanging out with my gang of friends. While applying for NTU and NUS, suddenly i come across HKUST while talking to my counselling teacher Miss Ung. Applied for it very last minute. Got interviewed for scholarship. Basically during that time life goes on really easily and i never thought of any possibility to go overseas other than Singapore.


April was a month pretty much the same. Only difference is that my heart is starting to heal. Finally i could face her with a 'healthy' heart during outings with her. Things get a little intimate but i was as pessimistic as always, and store all the feelings into the deep heart. At that time I told myself to look at the future with an open mind and let fate do what it should.


May tells the tale of swaying choices. I decided on my own to study civil engineering because that's what i like the most out of all the science and engineering. Medicine just not my cup of tea and to hell with pharmacy. Parents interfered with my choice but i decided that my choice is my own. Application for NTU and NUS and UTM all succeeded with my first choice as the results. Application for UTM is just a joke. Basically everyone knows that malaysian uni sux in every single way. Just when I decided to settle my mind down to think about life in singapore, i received phone call telling me that i might have gotten the HKUST scholarship.


June marks the month of tide turn. I kept postponing the decision of choosing between HK and singapore. Deep inside my heart i wanna go hk but seeing the face of parents I think that i should at least honour their decision for once in my life since I had been disobeying theirs and walk my own path all the while. (hahaha...here i mean 'big decision'...) My parents kept asking around about reputation and stuff and chances and at the end of june they said: "Hong kong", two words which mark the beginning of my challenge.


July sees the old ghee changed in a great deal. I got courageous and decided to confess to the girl I had been liking all along. Confession is made on the basis of telling her what i felt instead of wanting to be with her, which is something I only dream of. After the confession I depart Penang the next morning to Hong kong, leaving my dearest mum, all my good gang of friends (old wei zhi, xinch, jiah ling, june, samuel etc...) and her. Upon arrival of hong kong i completely lost touch of everyone except her, who kept messaging me once or twice per day on basis, which really made me cried everytime i thought of her. At that time i knew that i really like her and my heart hurts becoz i don't know what will become of in the future becoz nobody knows. I started to attend summer course then. It was basically maths and language courses which prepare us for uni life. We attend the course together with the EAS students (Early Admission Scheme) of hong kong. They are the top 0.5% of hong kong o-level and they could admit into uni earlier without having to wait for the A-level exams and stuff. Well, at start they prove to be geng...but at the end of the camp I finally picked my confidence up and be able to stand shoulder to shoulder with them.


August is the month when i get to explore hong kong and read up a lot of good books in my library. Jiah Ling arrived in hong kong and we got out!! Well, i really have to thank her a lot because: 1st, FINALLY I GET TO SEE ONE OF THE DEAREST FRIEND OF MY GANG AFTER TWO MONTHS!!!!, and 2nd, she's really generous to chia me eat a lot of really expensive hong kong food which i dare not to enter to eat usually. Therefore i made a promise to her that i will chia her back when i earn money in future! ;-) Hope you see this yea caryn!!


September is the month when war began. I got to know that JUPAS entry students of hong kong and mainland students are very geng. But still i just couldn't pick up the mood to study and the whole month pass just like that, without me doing any 'real' revision and all. September also marks the starting of a shitty relationship of mine, which i never wanted in the first place.


October the stakes got higher and i was totally lost in understanding what i really want in relationship. When things got to build up the way it is, i decided that i don't want to start anything right off the point. Everything got really troublesome and i was struggling to get off everything that troubles me.


November i faced the first mid-terms of my uni. Frankly, i did not do well because i only prepare for one subject and the rest i just use my intelligence and luck to get them through. Stumble myself on the computer programming subject. 1st is that i did not touch the subject at all. second is most of my time is robbed of. Finally i succeeded in casting off any relationship that came into my life. I decided not to touch anything else. and from all those events, i knew one true fact: i had 'her' inside me which i never get to erase. she's always there, residing inside and no matter how i wanted to escape it, she poses out as the one in my life. this feeling is not obvious but it is the core beam of my heart platform. I never realised that she is so so so important in my life. All these stuff accumulated and i got really sick. For at least 7 to 9 days i couldn't get up from my bed and attend any class. Things get really messy and it's the darkest month of my whole life. But at the end of it, i started to see light.


December i hafta face my finals. Had a talk with my best buddy wei zhi and decided that my mission is to help ppl to be self-aware by means possible in the future. Contributing to the society becoming something i can work for and not just a dream. (thank you wei zhi). Although studying for final seems to be late but i still put my whole effort to it, betting it on my last gamble. Conclusion after a lot of talking and discussion with my best friends said that i hafta face the true feelings inside me. She is the one, no doubt of it. And later of that month i got to know that i hafta do industrial training and exam during my winter holidays break, and this really is a sad news. Stucked in hong kong, and thought of giving a surprise present to dear old xinch whose b'day is on december 30th. HAHAHAHHAHA bet u get it xinch!!!!



After january 1st of 2007, i m officially 20. Counting the old days and reviewing the 'me' now, i haf really a lot to sigh about. Looking at the results of mine now, i know that i could do a lot better next semester. I will aim for A+ or A grade of cga and get myself to exchange to US or japan the year next. it's time to see the better side of me. I hafta fight for my own future, again, after going through all these tests. For my dear mum and family, for her, for my dear old friends and for the world.


P/s: life is a mess without you guys around me!! Wei Zhi, Xinch, Shao Thing, Ewe Jin, Jun Yi, Jiah Ling, Samuel and a lot more...i really hope you guys are doing ur best too!!!

A Brief but important update

First and for all, i gotta announce this:

UN has officially declared that 30th december is Cucumber Day, starting from next year onwards. This is in order to pay respect to Miss Cucumber (a.k.a. Miss Chin Xin-Ci) who was born on 30th december, 1986. She has managed to survive in an urban city by just eating a cucumber per meal for a month, continuously. UN committee was ultimately impressed by this fact and they decide to name december 30th as Cucumber Day in order to tell people how important the will of survival, and not least, cucumber is.

Let's remember this day, forever and ever.

Tolerance; Being sorry; Tranquility

Conflict is inevitably encountered in a place where u live with ppl in the same space, especially the same room. There, of course, had been harsh ones and had been soft ones, the thing i keep wondering about from day one till now is not about how to avoid one. You never could avoid one. That's the iron fact.

So the main point is about resolving one. Since it's already inevitable, the thing is how we extinguish the sparks before the fire actually bursts into evil flames that will eventually engulf everyone. Of course, the very first thing i could think of is: tolerance.

But then, is tolerance all to it? or in other words, does tolerance really work?

No it didn't. for my case that is. I found out that the more i tolerate, the more the anger builds up. Because i have some principle lines which i myself couldn't even cross over it. It's not about me being stubborn, to be honest. Sometimes i just couldn't see it happen. The attitude of other ppl doing it, and provoking it by doing it again intentionally really burn your eyes out. You feel like strangling them but you just withstand the anger. As i put it, i store the anger in an unknown memory space which i tot i could delete it subconsciously. But what happened in the end was accumulation of galleons of fuel which is able to tear down at least twenty warehouses. Tolerance is not the key. It rots me out from the inside. I felt that I am more and more devilish each day, with the anger and conflict kept reigning in me everytime a piece of others' doing invoke it.

So, confrontation? Well certainly it doesn't work. Not that it won't, just that different ppl need you to think of different approach. that's really troublesome. because when you think of diff approaches, you HAVE to think from various viewpoints, including putting yourself in the others' shoes. When you're on fire, don't tell me you could do that objectively. No one could. Therefore there's more than 50% chance that a confrontation will induce a heated argument and worst-to-worst case, a tragedy of brutal fight or body contact. That, is unquestionably out of the way.

Therefore I had been wondering this far: what do you do when you're dealing with ppl who are harsh and stubborn when it comes to conflict? You tolerate, accumulate the fire and then you burst into flame? you talk to that stubborn guy, you guys couldn't agree with each other, and then comes to body contact (verbal abuse)? you let him win, and you yourself feel defeated and not yourself for a few days?

For this semester, i learned a lot from my courses. Now i m learning bout dealing with conflicts, psychologically i mean. well then, when i m hard-headed and stubborn, i found that things couldn't go straight. and then when i m soft and tolerable, ppl kept taking advantage of you until you die of the power of giving more. To find the line in between, sorry...i couldn't do it. at least not me. Either way, when i m about to reach the extreme, i will pull myself back, which in the end it hurts me inside, deeply. but i guess i m getting the rhythm of it now, slowly, slowly.

maybe it's not about tolerance, and it's not about getting myself right or getting others right. and it's not about being stubborn, or being soft. and it's not about being in between or neutral. it's about being wise.

some people just couldn't change. or they're changing---slowly---just that now they're not in sync with your mode of principle. well, you guys probably say, of course. one thing funny is, there're tonnes of 'of course' facts around us which we already know, yet we're not wise enough to understand it. That's why the simplest wisdom always come with the simple facts. what to do when u meet a hard person that you couldn't possibly agree with? be wise. don't even start the conflict. and don't get emotionally attached because that person maybe didn't even care. Not that he doesn't, it's that he doesn't even know of the principle you hold, and that principle is something he doesn't even think of his whole life. well you see, for us, when we accidentally hit someone, we will feel really sorry bout it, and then you try to compensate the hurt one by apologizing or provide care. but you see, today i m elbowed, which resulted in my spectacle stand jabbing into my right eye. he doesn't even say 'sorry' at all. he looked at you, see that you're not blind, then he feels morally okay. you might say: wah, fuck man, this guy sucks. but then, to think over it, he doesn't feel sorry bout what he did because in his own definition, there's no such thing as apologizing when something like that happened. The degree of 'being sorry' is different, and the 'principle lines' also differ for different people. One old fact: you couldn't satisfy everyone. Rephrasing it: you couldn't expect everyone to satisfy you. It just won't happen.

therefore the thing is not to tolerate. It's all about our mind. Sit down, reflect on it. like what i m doing now by writing this blog. since the person didn't even care bout it, why you do? well, at least i can smile over it d. we live by our own principle, but not by superimposing our principles on others. being wise is about letting it go. To let it go is to think over the event itself. who would care bout one little conflict 1000 years later? you see, we might die one day without even knowing when we will. maybe the next minute, maybe next year, maybe 60 years later. were i to keep this anger inside my soul till the very day i die? it occupies space, memory and emotion. someday we will become a serial killer if we continue to be like that.

finally, i m able to be feel contented. self-satisfaction is all to it. live by your own principle, let everything go after thinking over it. people don't invite you to something, then? you will die? or, you feel bad for a few days? ppl dun agree with you, verbally abuse you, then you retaliate, u guys haf a fight, then you hafta think of a way to dispose your anger. whoa man that take days. it just didn't worth the effort and time. i find it funny that i can let ppl make fun of me, even about my death but when i make fun of that person, he just will attack you over and over again. so the bottom line is: don't raise a topic without thinking bout what will others will do to you.

i guess i decided to keep it this way: 1) less involvement when sensing something is wrong with a conversation (smell of the sparks). 2) withdrawal of verbal attack on other people from the back. 3) listen, and talk only when i need to. 4) smile it off when feeling not straight because sooner or later you hafta smile it off too. 5) self-discipline.

i think the thing is to detach myself from the surrounding. i am more and more expert in doing this lately. when i detach, it is as if everything happening around me doesn't haf an effect on me anymore. not that i dun care, but just that some stuff has its effect wear off because it doesn't mean something tht cibai to you again. everything around me is moving in slow motion, and in an extremely tranquil pace. such a comfortable mode i could switch to. then things will become clear. living becomes something natural again.

life is about being myself, naturally and peacefully in the mind. reflection brings improvement. at least today i know that what i do will provoke ppl. next time, i won't do it again. smile it off, man, smile it off. a tranquil mind is the healthiest solution:

be wise but not arrogant;
let it go after reflecting but not to tolerate;
smile it off but not to fake one which is just to provoke someone even more;
keep quiet but not when you're in dire situation to fight back;
live by own principle but always think of the consequence of your doing;
detach but not to be irreponsible.


Alden Nowlan: the day the child forgives himself, he becomes wise.

Senses

Tomorrow, or, to be more precise, in the next 14 hours i gonna face two exams and i haf one assignment due which i only barely halfway through. I know i shouldn't be here, but i think if i dun type sth out here, i might lose sth more important in my life.

Stretched, that's the only word I can think about being in HKUST. You never get enough sleep because there're always unfinished assignments and quizzes. Well, at start, I was thinking about working till my bones break to maintain the scholarship in a relatively very tough place here [imagine competing with Chinese and local HK chinese], but then, after living here in HK, the so-called metropolitan city for such a long extent of time, I started to realize sth: everyone here works till they die, and they don't even know why they're living. Or, they don't even know they're breathing every moment.

Ask any teenager in HK around me. Ask them: What do you know about suffocation?
Answer: What? Don't waste your time on that.

Question: What is the meaning of life?
Answer: Hahahahahaha...why're you asking that? Are you serious? (repeat the loop till it goes to infinity)

Question: What happened in Lebanon a few months back? Do you know that Israel is signing a peace treaties with Palestine?
Answer: .......(look away, ignore you completely after hearing the word 'Lebanon'.

They just don't care. You talk about what the local HK stars are doing lately, they know it instantly, by heart. They're even better than the paparazzi. Take my word for that. Something is dangerously amiss here. In a city full of pride and serious lack of conscience to care about others and events happening outside HK, I feel helpless. There're thousands other people outside HK, facing different problems, having cultural and religion clashes here and there, and they care NOTHING about it. Then arise the question: what's the point they're studying in a good university for? a better career?

And i ask myself: Do i compete with these ppl until i lose my vision of myself? Is this why i go to university?

You own urself a first class honest and scholarship, a good job, then you work days and nights until u dun haf any strength to continue working. You retire, then you started to stay in front of television, living your life as a legal couch potato. Is that what i want?

If study is about career, wealth, status, then i think i'm not gonna give it a fuck. I said, c'mon man, what's the point? What do I really learn? The purpose in life is what we're really looking for. You see, in HK there's sth really stupid going on every day. There're christians trying to get ur contacts, and then they will call u furiously, asking u to go their churches by all means possible. God gives u the light, God gives you the comfort, God gives you the answer to your question of being a typical 'zombie' in a metropolitan city. What's the fucking lie? you baptize, then they go away. You're all by yourself, discovering God on your own. Well, I don't give a shit. To hell with these God stuff. Religion is only a false light. You thought you are saved, but then when you are alone, you did not dive into your own heart seeking for solutions and answers. Instead, everything is referred to as God's doings. Bullshit. In big city like HK, where pressure and sleeplessness squeezes everyone into emptiness, more ppl fall into these kinda false light. They fall, and then they forget who they are. They don't even know how to find their own solutions. Everything is a 'blessing'. An infinite loop, which recursively repeated until every generation in the coming future completely loses the ability to think. Chinese are pathetic. Hong Kongers are pathetic. One thing about Chinese from China and Hong Kong is, they always look for a model answer, an absolute solution, a definite answer. This drives me crazy. A race lacks of the ability to rethink ideologies and challenge the thinkings around them. I wonder, if Hitler were to command China's army, I'm sure in 10 years time back in 1941, Hitler would have grasped the whole Europe and Asia under his tyranny. (if America were not to interfere, that is)

I'm totally ashamed of being a chinese. I really am. Back in Malaysia, things aren't that different either. The generation after mine are getting more and more ignorant of the world they live in and they stop asking the big questions about life. I am growing tired of being able to find someone younger who could tell me objectively what he thought about life without any arrogance implied. Discussion about life and thinkings have been deemed as extreme stupidity and waste of time. Standing in the middle of Mongkok a month ago where thousands of thousands of people walk aimlessly, shoulders touching shoulders, I once thought: what has the people in big cities become? Is this supposed to be 'normal'?

But then, this makes it all clear. In the next century machines will definitely take over human race, because a lot of people among us are losing the ability to think. One day, when machines start to tell every newly born human that machines are the God in bible, or in Quran, i guess, nobody will object it. Jesus will turn into an icon of super AI created by machines to walk through time tunnel to go the past to save human race. The staff Moses used to part the sea is nothing but a strong magnetic divider. Judgment day is already over. 'God' decided to take over the human race once in for all, sending his 'angels' (machines) down to earth to teach us about how to live a peaceful and happy life.

Sitting in front of one of the desk in HKUST's dorm, I look out of the window beside me. Tomorrow I gonna have two quizzes, one assignment, and one lab. So? So what? I look out of the window, I see thousands of still-awake chinese [from China and local HK] flipping their books furiously at 3 am in the morning, slowly march themselves towards the realm of machines. Once, religions dominize our thinkings. Finally when we're able to question and overcome it, the coming generations are slowly being taken over by the domination of machines.

I pray for my own senses to spring alive every moment I live. I feel alive when I know I am still able to think, to reflect and to judge objectively. Tonight, I know, finally, what it means to be a human.

Amen.

你的脸颊
还有似柔的，不曾被轻拂过的细发
于叶片交错，高木重林中的阳光闪烁间发光；


我猫在枯燥落叶堆旁
悄悄地向遥远的太阳礼拜
希望闭上眼后
我对你的思念
会化作几道无形的紫外线
在你最不经意之刻
为你寂寥的心
带来一丝的暖意与慰籍


这样，
就够了

Philosophy or Fiction? The line that converges...

Watching 'One Tree Hill' has provided me a wide source of really good authors who are oblivious to us, especially those who doesn't really read english novels, names such as Ayn Rand, E.E. Cummings who once celebrated renowned fame in their times seem to be a lost thread between the space of nothingness. We are yearning for good authors, yet but only to get our hands on authors who thrived in romance, suspense, action, mystery and fantasy...authors of fancy movies or screenplay-to-be stereotyped novels are indeed more than common nowadays. Fumbling over the racks of bookstore or library? A vast sea of books are waiting there for you. Do you have the one in god-knows-how-much chance to find a book which inspires many and worth your time? To be truthful, me as a reader myself all these years, have tried all sort of ways to dive into this little forgotten corner and only reach as far as classics and popular reads in the newspaper section.

Reading classics and popular reads won't make you dull but the sense of losing touch with your own senses tells you that you are craving for something philosophical but yet not as heavy or serious as the materials which are crafted in an overly professional manner in the superficial meaning of 'philosophy'. You might like something fictional, yet mind-tickling. And then I found Haruki Murakami. He rocks, and he continues to.

Until then, I find another author which might bring your attention closer to the screen. I say this, try 'Ayn Rand'.

It is a big name. But I never heard of it. You might pinpoint me on that, telling me that I am really out of touch with the literary world. But here I am, discovering big names which I never heard of every day. Name it: Shusaku Endo, E. E. Cummings, Truman Capote, Ayn Rand...well, you know.

So let's put it short. This post I concentrate my topic on Ayn Rand. She's another author who successfully merge philosophy and fiction, blending both of them into a world of self-discovery and deep pondering. You might ask why she's popular. Then here's the answer: her book "Atlas Shrugged" was and is voted as the second most influential book in the whole America after Bible. Good news: it still is.

A book which delves into materialising the theme of what man lives for, she scourged every possible ground you may think of to give answers. Answers in the forms of questions. You might get yourself another set of answers, and that's perfectly okay with Ayn Rand. She encourages Objectivism. To realize a truth which exists beyond our conscience. She did not deny religion, but she refuses to include religion into our way of thinking. I agree with her the most on this. Why referring yourself to the divine for all your unfound answers? Are you happy with the answers you get? That God is watching over you? You can find the perfect peace and serenity deep within you? When it comes to that, certainly, everything is metaphysical. It has nothing to do with your belief or your faith or your set of rules or other people's set of rules or the Bible's set of rules. All is you and nothing but you. You want an answer, then you understand it, and you live through your questions, then eventually you will reach it.

Grab a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" and tune yourself into a self-discovering path. You might think otherwise than the author, and you are encouraged to do so. It's you yourself who is facing the situation right? It's not the author. Think freely before assigning your mind to certain boundaries or set of rules. To be yourself, a 'yourself' which is wise enough to ponder over the rights and wrongs of your own actions.

Hahaha...i relax my tone a little bit now...this book is about 1000 over pages. So don't stick your tongue when you find out the price of it. But then, it's worth it. Trust me. ;-) Luckily my university's library has it. hahahahaha...as what caryn puts it, my library is the dream of all those hungry readers like her and me. :-P

I end this with a quote:

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

- Ayn Rand "Atlas Shrugged"

"As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone."

- "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinback.

Feelings: We live up to them

Note: This post is specially dedicated to xinch and all my best pals around the world.


The Sentence
by Anna Akhmatova
And the stone word fell
On my still-living breast.
Never mind, I was ready.
I will manage somehow.

Today I have so much to do:
I must kill memory once and for all,
I must turn my soul to stone,
I must learn to live again—

Unless . . . Summer's ardent rustling
Is like a festival outside my window.
For a long time I've foreseen this
Brilliant day, deserted house.

Translated from the Russian by Judith Hemschemeyer

There's a time when everything seems to be idle and dead. People having fun, dancing, enjoying everything around like they never had, and you are there, sitting at some place alone, without the whole world noticing you. But the feeling is so calm and soothing. You feel contented. You are self-sufficient. Something has changed, sometimes you wanna turn back the time, but still, a place inside your heart whispers: No, don't.

You struggle for a while. Then you stop struggling. You begin to remember and then you cry. You wipe your tears and then you stand up straight. The whole world which seems to be so familiar turns out to be so unusually strange. You know what you are capable of now. You see through a lot of stuff which you never did.

Back then, you killed your memory. You turn yourself into a stone. No, that was not bad. It isn't, not at all. Others believe it or don't, you know you had gone through everything that would have changed things the other way round.

Therefore, deep inside, you know this by heart:
Never mind, I was ready.
I will manage somehow.

Things that had passed never come around again. You know that instinctly. We don't live another life. Choices made are made sure to be made wisely. We bear with every little consequence of every little choice we made. You finally realize that. Therefore, those people who had betrayed, befriend you again; those beautiful moments which seemed to be so true and close to you once; those days when you sit with so-called friends of yours on the bench, laughing your head off and thinking of never seeing sun rising again; those many many moments and stuff which you hold ardently deep within, all of them, is separated from you in a sudden. You are walking alongside your friends, having moments which you think you will cherish before this, but then, you only see stillness. You feel...contented.

Then pass were those days. Today, you and I, we truly know that we have changed. Those things will never cherish or hurt us again. Not because we don't have anything to do with it anymore. It's just that we are through. Thoroughly through.

From today onwards, we realize who are our true friends and what are our true feelings. We live up to them, and we will always do.

Summer's ardent rustling
Is like a festival outside my window.
For a long time I've foreseen this
Brilliant day, deserted house.


Long live the days where everything holds true and dear to us. You and I, we'd held our hands and walk through this. Tomorrow's today, you know it, we're one, all my dear friends.