Say it isn't so

Watched episode 7 of One tree hill season 2 just now. Things finally settled. Staying in the wonders of summer doesn't mean relaxation and fun. Rather work and anxiety are the usual partners i live with, and the feeling of being far away from my pals too.

"Look at this," Karen paused, a little nervous. "Does this picture ever look right to you?"

Andy lifted his eyebrow, turned around and looked into the mirror with Karen. "Yeap, absolutely." he did not hesitate.

Then he turned around, took a step towards Karen, and looked into her eyes deeply. "The question is, does it feel right?"

Yeap, I am alright. Don't worry about me. I m quite busy lately but everything is okay. You take care with everything too. Don't overwork yourself.

Last night a storm hit Hong Kong. The lightning was so near us and the thunder was scary. When a shine of blue jump across the mirrors in the common room, a hallmate asked: You shot a photo?

Haha, I laughed. Wonder why it's so dry this summer. It used to wet and humid.

When I am closer to my goals and achievements, I feel sadder and sadder. This feeling...that I am losing something. Something that once I am confident that I have it in my hands. Perhaps bird is right. I have to be ready myself that I will lose it anytime from now. I look at the two jetpads lying under my table, waiting for me to put them on. The time shuttle is not waiting. Rather, it doesn't even care to warn me. Time's up, and it will take off, with or without me on board.

Andy then kissed Karen. A short kiss. Karen was a little shocked herself, then she smiled. "And that feels right."

I am already at the end of it, almost. The fuel cell is running dry and I don't have any charger to charge it again. My wings are calling me, urging me on every day. They are beginning to get irritated. Looking at the photos of a totally different culture which she sat before, smirking, the pain gushed in again. I feel like dying.

Yeap, I am alright. Don't worry about me. I m quite busy lately but everything is okay. You take care with everything too. Don't overwork yourself.

p/s: repeat the last paragraph endlessly, till you are irritated and grew tired of it. thank you.

The tightrope

Days go by. I'm still here. I made some progress, and I couldn't keep it up tonight. *sigh* I guess it's time to instill some motion in what i m doing.

Let the rhythm of 'Gifts and curses' accompany me tonight to sleep. Tomorrow, I gotta jack my gear and set full throttle ahead. Well, i guess it's a showdown for me, since this semester decides the very last effort of me getting the highest honor in my stream. It's not about the honor. It's about my future. And part of it, because of her.

There're time I get to think about a life of my own. Guess I am slowly walking towards it, finally. What I really hope to do is to recollect my crazy pace of studying again. But then the light is around the corner...I started to see it shining.

Tomorrow, I will walk the tightrope. What comes next, I will update you guys about it. I promise I won't let you all down. And the promise I made in your living room, it's a lifetime promise. I will work to death to fulfill it, no matter what to come. It's time for me to become stronger.

I have faith in that. It's a promise.

你的脸颊
还有似柔的，不曾被轻拂过的细发
于叶片交错，高木重林中的阳光闪烁间发光；


我猫在枯燥落叶堆旁
悄悄地向遥远的太阳礼拜
希望闭上眼后
我对你的思念
会化作几道无形的紫外线
在你最不经意之刻
为你寂寥的心
带来一丝的暖意与慰籍


这样，
就够了

The Undeniable Truth

I never wanted to write this. I knew it won’t come to me in any form of sensible notion but still the intuition drives me. It drives me hard, it infatuates me and it eats me from the inside every day and every minute I am breathing. I hope one day I will be released from this hell but I have been trying for two years. *deep sigh* I am still here. I tried to look at other girls but never once my heart could sway, not even a slight twitch of muscles. Therefore I guess if I didn’t write this I will soon become a pathetic soul encompassed by wild torments and anguish.

Long before I realize it was coming to me, I mean the gush of passions of love, it delved deep, residing silently. I would have guessed that will be the cherish of a lively sparkling chemistry of life, but then it seemed not to be.

After a few long chats with my best friend, acquiring advices and philosophies (impromptu? Lolz…) finally it came to me that I am a coward in the vocabulary of love. I am afraid to confess, I am afraid to ask something I really wanted to know, I am afraid to speak my true feelings…I am afraid to…I am afraid to…and I am afraid to!! God you name it. I feel the inferiority is infesting deep inside me, and it is disemboweling my organs which detect any sense of life in me. She is the one, it’s a truthful yes for me after I confirmed it two years ago when I met her, but then the fact which ‘I am not the one in her mind’ is topping over me, even for my situation now seems to be delightful and with hopes to my friends, this predicament/statement/fact/hypothesis is still superior over anything else. Or you speak as it suits, over everything. My heart aches with every thought of her and it aches even more when I struggle to get the very thought of my mind. It has lasted two years…I thought it would have stopped after I aborted the attempt of casting off my troubles by jumping off the train from KL last November (or December? I could barely remember). I hit my heart in the chest hard: “Mate, it’s time to stop thinking bout her”. It felt no pain. But only till now I realize the pain is still living inside me, just that it is kept aside from my thoughts. I think, after all, the very pain has become one of those subconscious vital signs in my life. It has become something like breathing and heartbeats, uncontrollable by the means of conscious minds.

Finally I come to understand why Dan could possibly love a girl for a time so long (10 years…or 9 years ++??) without falling for the others. He just couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I tried but I can’t. It’s like, everybody is telling us to think bout the reality, the real life, the future, the career, the jobs, the xxxx, the yyyy, the zzzz and till in the end it is nothing merely other than strong distress. I wanted to give her something, something I could which would serve to secure her life, and I would have given everything I have. But the age gap is there. I think a lot and I don’t think I am thinking too much. The problem still comes to the root of all roots: Will she accept it? Will she have any affection towards me? These questions trouble me so much until in the end I decided to give every single thing I have and not taking any. There I go, my friends, I am being eaten by the devil inside slowly. The grief and regrets inside build up every single day. I am helpless with myself. I have lots to give but I can’t because I am coward who couldn’t confess nor ask how she feels. I am a coward after all, ain’t it true? *deep deep sigh*


(Yellowcard – Gifts & Curses)
Mary belongs to the words of a song.
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.
But she will not wait for me, anymore, anymore.
Why did I say all those things before? I was sure.

(She is the one), but I have a purpose,
(she is the one), and I have to fight this,
(she is the one), a villian I can't knock down.

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,
still I will always fight on for you.

Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?

(She is the one), all that I wanted,
(she is the one), and I will be haunted,
(she is the one), this gift is my curse for now.

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,
Still I will always fight on for you. Fight on for you ...


Above is the lyrics of a song which has accompanied my pain and sorrow all along. Yeah you bet it…it’s one of the songs written for the movie Spiderman 2. I am as pathetic as Peter Parker (spiderman). I failed to confess because I am a coward but still, every strife and hardships I am going through now or I had gone through in the past, she’s the person in my mind that I fight on with. I see her face with every punch I take…and every bone I break, it’s all for her.

Ya, my worst pains are words I cannot say, but still, I will always fight on for her. That, I believe, is the undeniable truth which I have been trying to deny for two years, and even now when I am writing this post.

It's About The Concept Called Time

Hola guys…now back to update my blog on my private stuffs ;-)

I had been in KL from 28th May till 1st June, and I got back to Penang on the 2nd June bus. Well, u guys wont believe it…the bookfest is GRAND!! 5 big halls of KL Convention Center are allocated just to exhibit the books!! There’s one conference hall in level 3 is specially rented for the purpose of holding the talks of famous authors from hk, Taiwan, china and Malaysia like: 陶杰，戴晨志，安焕然，蔡志礼，李昂，柴松林，黎紫书，傅承得…and countless famous people from other fields such as real estate, toastmaster, cultural profession and a lot more…well, all those talks really taught me a lot of stuffs, and I think in the future those knowledge I acquire from their experienced talks will surely put to use some day. And I bought 7 books…plus caryn borrowed me 3 books, and I still got 6 books at home to read...so in total I hafta finish 16 books in one month before going HK!!!!!!!!!! OMG……………………!!!!!!! LOLZ….

Talking bout KL, that day I was in KL caryn wanna borrow me books but because of sleeping late and eating lunch, I was late…therefore I rushed like hell to the nearest Pasar Seni LRT station…I was so shit fast that I ran the whole way and at that time the LRT arrived!!!!!!!! I was so goddamn lucky, I told myself. Therefore I ran up the stairs and board the LRT, thinking that how am I gonna get rid of the sweats when arriving in KLCC. But wait a second…..why the LRT is moving to KL sentral instead of KLCC??? OMFG!!!!!! At that time I realized I board the wrong side of the LRT!!!!! *sigh* It took me more time to reach KLCC in the end coz hafta come down from the station of KL sentral and board the opposite side of the LRT…lolz

For you guys’ info, I gonna go HK on the 10th july plane…..but still everything hasn’t been done yet…..the packing-up lar and a lot of stuffs. Lolz. Will slowly settle it…dun worry!!! Btw these few days ur fren here is very happy…coz what I dreamed of in lower six and upper six now finally come true….sometimes I was wondering, things in life really change drastically…we could be sad in the past but happy and resolved now…last November when boarding the KTM train from KL to Penang I thought of jumping it because my heart was too damn hurt and torn apart. The pain was like the thorns of cacti, jabbing me now and then when I am least expecting it excruciatingly rip my flesh off, even in my dreams everything seemed to be so dark and evil. But now, something amiss has been mended and I think I am happy that I did not jump off the train that time. Therefore I would like to advise everyone who reads my blog…dun think too much about killing yourself…..things might be desperate and cannot be solved at that time u wanna die, but if u carry on ur life, u will see it solved in the end too…nothing is big and worth dying for. Life is life, and others still live on even you die too. You must live on to see what you are meant to do on this earth before killing yourself. The meaning of existence on this earth is never explained. Find it in your heart. It is always residing there. Don’t die if you still could not find it. Trust me. Live on, is what I say, my friends. It’s the concept called time.