True; Love

I found it, after a long toil. At least, finally I know what true love is.

True love starts with the word 'true', which in another words, 'honesty' is the most important and exceeds above all the others. 'Love' comes next as to speak.

We started it off with a spark of coincidence, but got so fortunate because both of us had been hurt so much in our past relationships, we come to realize honesty is the key to start things correctly. We tell each other everything along the way as we get to know each other more. We learn everything about each other's life before we meet up. Even the darkest secret.

The rest just comes easily when we meet up. So natural that our dates were like those long lost feelings being laid afresh in front of us again. We dated like we had dated a thousand times before. Things were so familiar: feelings; understanding; sweetness.

I guess I have finally found my other half. I feel myself complete when we join hands and promise to walk together in our future. Every moment, now and then, feels more than perfect. I never know true love is something so simple and beautiful.

I love you, Pei Zhen.

Darker, and deeper than black

Tracing my own steps back to the deepest of my mind, I think I saw an illusion. Or was it that I had been living in illusion?

Under the moonlight, I was dreaming of a land full of butterflies and primitive house, with a meadow of soft grasses and dark heaven; then i stumbled upon a ripple of water, resonating within the forged image.

Someone is calling out my name in a faraway land.

Am I the son of loneliness and endless travel? Am I the prisoner of an infinite loop of lone affection? While I myself am searching within my own soul, a song which is strange to me but yet so familiar is starting to play. First far in the mountain, now vibrating just inches from my ears.

The secret is beginning to disclose itself. Tonight, the sky is darker than black. Finally, I get to see the real heaven without the pollution of artificial lights.

Soul will rise, Close your eyes
Downfallen (Fallen) Falling
Give me sight to see inside
I’m calling

Say it isn't so

Watched episode 7 of One tree hill season 2 just now. Things finally settled. Staying in the wonders of summer doesn't mean relaxation and fun. Rather work and anxiety are the usual partners i live with, and the feeling of being far away from my pals too.

"Look at this," Karen paused, a little nervous. "Does this picture ever look right to you?"

Andy lifted his eyebrow, turned around and looked into the mirror with Karen. "Yeap, absolutely." he did not hesitate.

Then he turned around, took a step towards Karen, and looked into her eyes deeply. "The question is, does it feel right?"

Yeap, I am alright. Don't worry about me. I m quite busy lately but everything is okay. You take care with everything too. Don't overwork yourself.

Last night a storm hit Hong Kong. The lightning was so near us and the thunder was scary. When a shine of blue jump across the mirrors in the common room, a hallmate asked: You shot a photo?

Haha, I laughed. Wonder why it's so dry this summer. It used to wet and humid.

When I am closer to my goals and achievements, I feel sadder and sadder. This feeling...that I am losing something. Something that once I am confident that I have it in my hands. Perhaps bird is right. I have to be ready myself that I will lose it anytime from now. I look at the two jetpads lying under my table, waiting for me to put them on. The time shuttle is not waiting. Rather, it doesn't even care to warn me. Time's up, and it will take off, with or without me on board.

Andy then kissed Karen. A short kiss. Karen was a little shocked herself, then she smiled. "And that feels right."

I am already at the end of it, almost. The fuel cell is running dry and I don't have any charger to charge it again. My wings are calling me, urging me on every day. They are beginning to get irritated. Looking at the photos of a totally different culture which she sat before, smirking, the pain gushed in again. I feel like dying.

Yeap, I am alright. Don't worry about me. I m quite busy lately but everything is okay. You take care with everything too. Don't overwork yourself.

p/s: repeat the last paragraph endlessly, till you are irritated and grew tired of it. thank you.

This is what brings us on

Haha guys, thought i told u all i gonna update only after 1st week of june...but after i read xinch's and bak kim's latest posts, i then realize how much had we gone through since we left our home and live on our own.

last year during fall semester i kept doubting myself but going through a lot of things at last. a lot of 'first time's, and a lot of tears and fun too. boredom haunts us all the while tho we haf new friends. the usual circle is always warmer. reading books like murakami's and movies like 'spirited away' in foreign land make me think of home, of old friends and old habits. especially murakami's. his novels describing loneliness and travelling fit my situation the best. reading backpackers' travelogue brings me a strange feeling of being a wanderer who left his home for a long, long, long, long time. thus i brought myself to backpack to taiwan. and i m planning my next stop to be cambodia, thailand and vietnam. things are getting a lot different for everyone of us. we are curious about everything new. and we're getting older.

guys and girls, time is what we have at this time. burn it, with passion, with your dreams and endless fight of yours to bring them to reality. things are new, the place is new, people are different and the food is strange, but deep inside we know that we are getting closer to who we wanna be. mind that direction. we're on the path. we're on the ride. my winamp is playing james blunt's 'high'. Getting high...running wild among all the stars above; Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

thanks for still remembering my presence, my old friends. of course, i remember you guys too, just like yesterday. This, is what brings us on.

Ode to the Lonely Nights

If I ever knew something
I bet it will be the anticipation of pain;
Of sorrow; and of helplessness,
that I trapped myself within.


Entangled, I face the darkness alone,
With warm water raining down on me, the tiny little
prickling sensation I say, was all I need
To tread this road of solitary affection
The shy, avoiding voice thousand of miles away
swaying, or far away it is
helps cradling the flame within my soul
though the mere thought to catch that familiar vibration
sends me to near annihilation every night
yet when I am yearning for it
I feel myself alive
A single fleeting moment
enough to redeem the endless hours of suffocation

Tagged!! About the weird me

Hello guys it may seems to be a weird post coz i din even talk about how my exams go or how my visit to Taiwan has been~~haha, that's becoz now that i m back in my uni, i m entering the final 5 weeks of my semester...this means ultimate stressful preparation of final exam, assignments, and lab reports. Plus i m entering a contest of civil engineering design, so guys, prepare not to see me online for a month ++. Well, i mean u will not see me frequently. so i guess i just do this tag xinch asked me to first...lolz...all right, here it goes:


Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

1. I love pain

• Pain keeps me going. Pain of muscles when running after 2 to 3 hours don't make me stop but rather i love the sensation of it. I will do it until i feel satisfied of the amount of pain i am feeling. (yeap, walking and writing too...)
  
• The pain of not able to sleep well for a few days because i need to rush assignments or study or any extreme workload gets me hyper. I get more encouraged, and more than that, i m enjoying. I am a helpless workaholic. (note: i din learn this from naruto)
• When i run over tables or chairs or sharp edges while i m walking/fighting/rushing, of course i feel the gush of pain, but u dun see me cry in pain because i actually like the feel of it. More pain = more joy. (note: i dun like pain in sex. Sex is about comfort and love. i m not a sadist/machoist)

2. I love darkness

• Haha...actually nobody knows this. I think wei zhi oso dunno this. I really like darkness. I used to fear about darkness when i was a child, but after i grew up, i happen to like darkness. Showering in the dark, pangsai in the dark, everything except reading and doing work.
• that's why when ppl play prank like switching the bathroom light off when i am showering or pangsai, i got excited other than scared. In the dark, i can think more sharply. That's why i can shower in the dark for 3 to 4 hours sometimes.

3. I imagine myself being blind

• I dunno why. Maybe my parents always tell me to not read that much becoz my vision is already very serious. I always imagine myself blind and how helpless will i be. But after i face that fear, i m able to live in darkness. Maybe that's why i like darkness too.

4. A too-fresh-to-be-true memory

• what i learn of myself is, after i start to know and understand things around me, i could remember those little little detail things very well. Some i will forget. And last time xinch told me that i have the denial-forgetting syndrome then i get to realize sometimes i do have a 'bad memory' becoz i 'wanted myself to'.
• But other than that, a lot of detailed features that i captured accidentally in my life, i could remember them well to the very last part.
• This includes what ppl do to me. Yeap i do remember grudges 'extremely well' but i always think myself over it. That's how i obtain my philosophy in life.

5. Unpredictable actions

• Yeah u name it. I plan things-to-do-today but often i get myself to take some surprise route to do something other ppl said crazy. Like when i got back to home at 4 after talk cock with frens at mamak and showered and prepared to sleep, suddenly i feel like driving to air hitam for cyber-cafeing, i will give it a go.
• I always allow unpredicted things to take the path when they come upon me. And i always wanted to try it out. Of course, i judge based off my instinct. Strange huh.

6. Tahan berak

• Yeap this is really damn stupid. But when i m about to pangsai, i like to tahan for a long time. Sometimes one hour. U might said that the feel will go away. But i won't let it go away. The way i do it is i stand and walk around so the berak is still there forcing its way out. Then i just keep standing and walking, feeling the sensation of shivering and 'stim' until i feel that "okay, can berak d".

7. Depressing stuff

• haha it sounds like xinch. it's true. when i see something emo, i tend to play the emo scene over and over my head, make myself cry/sob/absolutely emo for as long as i could. Sometimes the period can span more than a few years.
• and those sad books, songs, sad movies, sad dramas, sad animes and many other, i will try my best to keep a copy for myself so that i can watch over and over again just to get myself emo.
• the more it touches me, the more i enjoy it.

8. I can't stand ppl who only thinks for themselves

• i couldn't deny the fact that we, as human, always think of ourselves most of the time. but i really can't stand those ppl who didn't even consider other ppl punya feeling/didn't think for others and feel so 'right' over it.
• This also applies to those really childish ppl.

9. Indirect vengeance

• Woo...i only found that i haf this inside me after i came to hk. when someone/something really pissed me off, i will choose one of thse two stances: one, to communicate with that person and settle it; two, to keep quiet. if i choose the second stance, i will 'unconsciously' do a lot of things that indirectly
  'pay-back' that person for what he/she did to me without i knowing it myself.
• and i got hyper when i see that person suffers, altho i dun even know it's from me myself.
• when i realize it's me who actually been behind these, i get depressed. then i tell myself to think over it. then i got quiet for a few days, think it through and settle it then. but some 'really-pissed-me-off' ppl....i still can't control my 'indirect vengeance' instinct now.

10. I talk to myself

• i like to talk to myself when there're things that i can't solve. i will keep whispering to myself, either vocally or in undertone.
• i can imagine myself standing in front me talking to me. can actually stare at that person for a few hours until things are settled.
• oh yeah, when i think about things, i imagine it. and i can see it in front of me, visualizing itself. it's weird or not i dunno. I can link things like those touch screen computer programmes u see in sci-fi movies by moving my eyes from here to there becoz those things i imagine are floating in the air in front of me.
• when i talk to myself, those words form into a cloud like what we call 'words document'. only that i dunnit to open it. when i look at it, i straight know everything of it. often when i talk to myself, i will sort those thoughts into different clouds, and put them there when i need to make a conclusion.
• when ppl talk to me, i will form the clouds too. that's why i can remember what ppl said easily. i just 'record' them in front of my eyes.

I tag:

Dan the bird in Perth. (oi update ur blog la)
wenying the housefly in England.
caryn the 'gym' fish
june the dentist
and whoever feels like doing it for fun.
(sam, i wanna tag u but i think ur blog is unofficially dead d....haih...but please do this tag if u happened to read this post ;D )

Fall to Pieces

Since when i start to believe in pure love? i dunno. maybe it's there when i first saw those eyes. i never believe in a long-lasting love before i actually look into those eyes deeply. Ever since that, i have been living in a slower timeframe; i have been in love.

I pray that these feelings will be experienced by every other ppl in this world too. It's not strong, it's not passionate and it's not possesive. It's like a serene stream of river, flowing at a peaceful pace, and lighten up my life.

No matter where i went; no matter how the starlights shine, this particular piece, the purest of feelings, move me along. And all along, whenever i fall to pieces, i know it the best, there'll always be a warm feeling inside to pick me up.

Here, i walk on.

(video cuts from movie "A walk to remember".)

忆月如

看完了"仙剑奇侠传"，始终迟迟不能不回头重温林月如的种种。我们何尝不是别人的另一个月如？今天风紧夜冻，愁绪袭来，我也差点忘了，我曾经会哭。

红颜如月有圆缺，
君名逍遥莫悲切。
昨日总总心深种，
他夜梦里现芳踪。

放下

Long after things been not going the way they are, we start to question ourselves: why? then we give ourselves some reasons which back us up for the decision we made to stray away from what we had waited all along.

Then, one day when we think of it, we regret. Those reasons collapse. It's because there're no such reasons exist in our world. The fact is the fact itself, as the situation is the situation itself.

As what the title means, what we have to do is actually to put it down. It seems easy but actually it's the hardest thing. It's not about being a taoist or buddhist or sth. It's very simple. Forgive everyone, and the most important thing is, forgive urself. To forgive is not to give the reason to urself that what is to blame and what is to not do...it means u can finally face the situation and the fact as the way they are from the very start. You feel the peace, and ur eyesight has opened up a land beyond ur imagination. And then you are able to put it down, then convey the true meaning of ur feelings with a peaceful tone.

Yup, as you bet...finally i m able to do it. After been through this much and after i watched 仙剑奇侠传, i started to realize things as the way they naturally are.

I do get emotional but the fluctuation has stopped. I can, i could say, face things as the way they are. It's the power of being able to 放下. I sincerely hope that you guys could understand my feelings one day. When you do, please share with me. I am more than happy to talk. ;-)

哀愁，淡淡的

after watching a few episodes of ‘仙剑奇侠传', though there were a lot really childish-like kungfu stunts and characters, but still i give it a good-rating when i heard its ending song by Power Station.

These few days i was engulfed in a state of mild sadness, so mild that sometimes you couldn't even hear it, but then when i close my eyes: here it is. i can touch it with my both hands. i hold it dearly. it has been ages i din feel like this. the last time is in form six, especially in upper six, when things are so unpredictable and my heart is emptied of all feelings but those for her.

命中注定
没有你的未来
莫失莫忘渐渐消失的空白

什么都别说
我不想懂
至少我还拥有
美丽的梦

什么都别说
我真的不想懂

Tonight, the sky is so clear; the wind so strong; the air so cold. I am miles away from my home, from her. Maybe, we're just moments away.

游子

Oh my, i dunno how to say this but i miss home dearly!! I never miss Penang that much, that i could assure myself of. This dear feeling of missing home hurts so much deep down inside until i could actually feel the gush of tears and pain in my chest. Why am I not in my home celebrating chinese new year as always? Why I didn't get to see my parents at home at the first day of the new year? Why i didn't get to sit down in front of the tv, watching chinese new year special blockbuster while chewing new year food and browsing my eyes through a book i newly acquired?

The presence of my mum beside me while i am busy studying, reading books, resting after work, and thousands of conversations that I had with her when both of us are alone and are into talking...we talk about lives, about girls i date, about the future i want, about her singing her favourite songs, about her tiredness after work, about my griefs and her sorrows, about our dog Lucky who got so naughty and sick these days, about housechores that I wanna help out on, about going to some places we really wanna go together, about hanging out with her friends....; the mere feeling of my sofa when I glide my hand on it, it reminds me of my dear living room where I spent living 70% of my life; the huge standing fan which cools me whenever i feel too hot in the middle of the day after finish playing some games or reading some books; the dvd-player i bought which played me thousands of songs touching my soul and movies and dramas that awed me deeply; my dear computer which played me hundreds of anime episodes and fill my free time chatting with ppl while i feel lonely; my old dear Datsun PN 406 which I drove so often to sch, mamak stall and hundreds of place to hang out with friends and or by myself; my little cruising saga PCA 3312 which i drove to fetch girls i m dating with, and of course, to court her out on dates which i am so anticipated of; my dear bed which I spent my time sleeping, reading and thinking about things in life; my bathroom which i used to shower in the dark night while shutting off all the lights, focusing myself fully on my sensitive side and my doings in life; the little lane beside my house that i used to trail my thoughts and play some wild-goose-chase with my dog; the wall separating our yard from our neighbour's which i used to climb when i had some thoughts playing; the old road to botanical garden which i used to jog once or twice in a week when i m in need of exercise and self-motivation; the little field of grass beside my yard which i love to trim when i feel like moving my bones; the dishes that i do everytime i finish my dinner late...since i m the one who finish late all the while; the air vent which i like so much that i release it down whenever i feel the sunlight is not scorching enough to burn my skin while basking under it; the ang kong i used to pray to whenever i walk past them in my house...all these stuff, i miss them so much until i can actually visualize it in front of me so dearly. It is really painful to me that i can't touch or live in it.

How i wish i could stand in front of my porch as always, feeling the mere breeze of wind gushing to my face. I miss my home, and how i wanted to be back but i can't. Hong kong is a place I do not belong to. I belong to the land where i live in. This year, i know, finally, how a person who is away from his homeland feels. It's not only loneliness. It's a brew of bitterness, loneliness, pain, sorrow, love and the wish to belong.

猪年虎行运，新年齐共庆

恭喜发财!!新年快乐!!心想事成!!学业进步!!

好,新的一年总于到了!!既然是属于你我华人的新年,我就永久违的华文来打着一篇文字吧! ;-)

今年是猪年，可是大家知道吗，虎是今年最旺运的生肖。事事都如意愿喔!! =D

居然是大家的一年，那么我就此祝大家事事顺心，一块儿在新的一年进步，还有最重要的是身体健康!!!

大家一起努力喔！！

Option

Time doesn't wait for us. Everyday you wait, is another day that never you never get back. Never get to realize that huh.

You could say it's good to have an option in life, and it could be bad too. Or better, there's no good or bad. Like decisions. There's always no so-called better decision. If we live off thinking that there're always better decision, then i guess, our lives gonna be so full of regrets. We probably could have done a lot of better things with that time wasted on regretting.

When things start to get ugly and you don't know what to do, i think, the best way is to wait it out. When things need u to get them into motion, don't hesitate. After all, it's about timing. You rush, you regret; you waited too long, you regret too. Instinct is what to guide us. After all timetable is a schedule well-thought out to spend time efficiently when we are ready to do so. It's time. It is.

There's a difference between growing up and growing old. We all grow old, but not all of us grow up. Am i growing up? Let not me be the judge. Let time be.

Break

Sometimes i just got thought up of what am i doing here. I know it's stupid. This question has been answered before...but you see, i m like this: sometimes, i ask myself the same question again, and another answer will come up. I could actually say, sometimes, the answer is more mature.

2 weeks had gone by and now i think i need this break to think up some stuff, seriously. I had not been really into the wheel of effort to polish up my understanding of what i am studying. Something is missing lately. But i'm quite sure i m recollecting my steps on the way. Nearly, which is.

Been watching One tree hill season one lately. Pick up from where I stopped last semester. Got some thoughts in motion after watching a few episodes. I guess I would just spend today...and maybe tomorrow to think about my motivation and my studies. Throughout this, i gonna have Lucas walk me through.

I need a break, a break from my own expectation.

New season

Haha guys, naruto series finally will start its new season starting...this week!!! :D
The shit, bloody fillers finally come to an end. Such a pain in the ass they are. The long-awaited season that is!!! Yippie!!

Seems like not only naruto anime is stepping into new season. What i come to realize is, almost everyone of us in the good old gang has grown up quite a deal and i could actually say, our friendship are stepping into a new season too. I am really proud of everyone, that's what i can say.

Let's see...the first was Dori Chin. Old xinch went through a deep and serious conflict with her housemates, declared herself in war for months, a gruelling period; tears paved the road she tramped and with supports from friends and a lot of positive thinking, she made her way through, starts afresh with a finally full-fledged mature xinch after her edward ordeal. Indeed, with so much to deal about, she finally grows up to someone who i acknowledge as an on-par mature person. Hahaha, this means I can talk to u about life and thoughts quite openly d. (in the past used to siam all those open stuff that i know will definitely made u jump...but now, hehe, good job. welcome to our rank, xinch ;-) )

Caryn fought herself through her own ordeal at the same time. Dealing with hard ppl in her college from the society she joined, and some eyes-protruding relationship meltdown made her really down. She even drank a lot of beer. (hahaha...dun say it's not true ya :D) Opening her own path through the bushes with thorns, she was born a life new, with more mature opinions about life and relationship with people. Caryn, good job. You have more to learn but coming all this way, it's not easy too. Gambatte!!

On the other side of the world in hk, u guys punya fren named gy leng here went through a lot shit stuff. I stumbled myself upon a relationship which I did not foresee in the first place. I misjudged my own self, got lost in the new environment and changed my personalities subconsciously, without I knowing it myself too. Had a fight with xinch over internet too, which i forgot until she reminded when i visited her in kl a month ago. (god, xinch u have a vengeful spirit. i forgot d oso...u still can remember...rotfl) That time i was made the helpless soul myself. Trapped in the expectation of scoring high in exams in order to win those great guys from china and hk in a curve grading system, everything seemed to be at stake. Finally, I am really happy that i got through, with a sensible mind that caught me before i fell into the valley of no return. This was not solely because of my thoughts as well. I hafta thank a bunch of best friends around me who din hesitate to kick my butt when they see me not seeing what I had done wrong. Xinch, i thank you for the blog post that seemed controversial to ur friends but i know it is for me, to wake me up. And thanks for all the advices u gave me when chatting on msn and skype. You dun give a lot of good thing for me to reflect on, but u know, hearing ur voice alone reminded me of who i really was in the past. And bird dan, that time u kicked my butt hard for all the silly thing i did. If you din do that maybe i could only wake up by now. All thanks to ur courage, support and passion from the heart. You keep me going.

June trailed after the three of us next. She, finally dealt with the unforgiveness inside her that had been stored for almost three years, stumbled herself upon a lightning sort-of crush. With a lot of downs and befuddlement, she made it through nonetheless, with a mind of logical thinking and mature decision. Having broken through the wall that shielded her immaturity lately, i find it really fulfilling talking to her since I could finally communicate with her without much difficulties. June, i support you all the way. Good job making it this far. ;-)

Lastly the slack guru set the stage. Dan, you'd gone through this for a time too long. Too long man. A lot of us have been really concerned about what u had been enduring and what we could do is to stand beside u and watch. We've been hinting u about it all along but u seem to catch up with ur own own misguided way of conscience. Finally u made me confronted u. Really, this is ur life and we couldn't do anything but we feel guilty because we carry the responsibilities as ur closest friends. Haha, now that you had walked out of the room, but u just hafta leave ur shadow behind. I am sure that gonna happen soon since it's only a matter of time. Lolz...good job man. And I hope to see u overcoming the slacking thing this year. Hope i won't remember the term 'slack guru' when i thought of u next time. ;-)


Talked with bird dan over msn that night...a night of really philosophical talk...a lot of inspiring ideas and thoughts about life. Yeap, true, finally i found the line inside me: there's no better path. If there is, then we'll be regretting the decision we made all along our life becoz we will think that we always made the wrong decision. Finally, guys, the light to our new season. *drums rolling* A new chapter in life. Another arc of life that full of surprises and challenges, and this time faced by a bunch of energetic youths with mature thinking. We're making our ways through now, finally.

This new year, i see old faces shining with new looks. From now on, we will take on the world, together. Gambatte guys!!! This is our new season!!!

The tightrope

Days go by. I'm still here. I made some progress, and I couldn't keep it up tonight. *sigh* I guess it's time to instill some motion in what i m doing.

Let the rhythm of 'Gifts and curses' accompany me tonight to sleep. Tomorrow, I gotta jack my gear and set full throttle ahead. Well, i guess it's a showdown for me, since this semester decides the very last effort of me getting the highest honor in my stream. It's not about the honor. It's about my future. And part of it, because of her.

There're time I get to think about a life of my own. Guess I am slowly walking towards it, finally. What I really hope to do is to recollect my crazy pace of studying again. But then the light is around the corner...I started to see it shining.

Tomorrow, I will walk the tightrope. What comes next, I will update you guys about it. I promise I won't let you all down. And the promise I made in your living room, it's a lifetime promise. I will work to death to fulfill it, no matter what to come. It's time for me to become stronger.

I have faith in that. It's a promise.

Not so far away

Tonight, before sleep, I decided to talk to myself again. Is it time that drifts me away from my course of action again? After reading xinch's post and get to say goodbye to ee lin before she left tomorrow, I could say that I got myself immersed into emotions again.

Attending Civl111, a course bout construction materials today, got lost between professor's lame accent and unclarified terms, I slowly drifted into a land between wary and dream. Everyone was so happy there. Dan, tst, xinch, june, caryn, ewe jin and a lot more who we use to hang out with...we're happy for no reason at all. Maybe we're happy just for the sake of the company, I never know. But i know when I wake up the professor had started talking bout fracture mechanics. It's about the propagation of cracks from a small hole within a block under pressure. With that huge amount of time piling upon our friendships, miraculously, I could say, we never form cracks before. I mean, once I got into an online fight with xinch but when she got into troubles I totally forgot what happened before. When xinch told me about it only then I remembered. Felt really sad over it. I really hope that time will continue to prove that our friendships hold true and strong throughout our course of life. Guys, I have trust in our friendships. Believe me or not, this is one of the only very few things that I have so much confidence in.

Yeap. Totally agree with xinch's post about the friends we make in a total foreign land. Those friends we make are the friends we choose to make, and they're who we choose to hang out with. Never to get this across my mind before. I had something further to add to this: maybe, if anything goes wrong with these friendships, me, the very person who made this choice, should be the one to be blamed and not others. I think this mere thought made me rethink those thoughts that seem so true to me a few days ago. It's my responsibility, after all. Not that I should bear myself the trouble, but at least, this is what I choose.

Just got back from library about 2 hours ago, finally, as I could say, I got myself into some motion. Haha, i mean, finally I started studying after staying stagnant for a time so long. It really feels good to grab the mere emotion to bury myself into the wonderful world of knowledge again. It never feels so fulfilling before this. Maybe I had gotten more open to ways to look at things. I feel that I m in another metamorphosis stage again. ;-)

Ee lin, take care of yourself. In a foreign land, you gonna start afresh. I wish you all the best. Well for the others, and myself, we've through a great deal. It's time to set the sail and reach far. All my friends, on the far side of the land that holds our dreams, I could see that we're already not far away. Hold on guys, just hold on. We can make it after all, no matter how unbelievable it is.

Drift away

Finally I realize how far apart we have drifted from each other. The very moment you stayed in my life during that time, it doesn't seem nostalgic to me, but rather, unreachable.

I really don't know how to explain my feelings. The time you held my hand and how I kissed you tenderly, we once exchanged looks that bind the magic called trust in each other. But now the feelings has shed off its color. It's nothing more than mere memories that lost in the jungle of life.

I guess remembering those moments bring me back to the part of me that once lived. No matter how drastic we have changed, I still have a part of you in me. Everything in the past builds a part of who we are today, that's life. After xinch reminded me of something my mind denied, I then realize that denying will only bring me down, eventually. We are bound to face something we called pain, because we will have happiness only when we know how painful and sad we were.

Maybe in days to come, I will forget about this mere thought of mine. I wanna record this, so that it stayed in the cyberspace long enough to remind me when I flip through my old posts. Life moves along with my mistakes. Time is to prove that I never make them again. I'll live a fruitful life, I promise you. You be good too, li qing.

Isolation of the mind

Now i understand fully what scars mean. When something called 'misunderstanding' and 'quarrel' happened between two friends who don't really see the real person in each other (as in not knowing each other long enough; or tolerate each other), the scars stay behind, and deepen by every day.

I never know what become of us. I just wanna say that, now, at least, that I finally understand what is mental isolation. I will just isolate my feelings, my true self from you. Today, the sky looks blue and bright, but we both know, we're cold from the inside. From here on, we end the tie i call: heart-to-heart friendship, if that's what you really want. Cheers man, trust me, when you open your heart or when you finally realize it, don't feel regret over it. I am just another passerby in your life, like you, in mine.

Reflection

I hardly recover from the deep emotions i m inscribed in after watching "A walk to remember", again. It's like, I had forgotten all those true feelings and old thoughts inside me all along. How hard I wished and fought my way to this good university i m in now, those old days when everything I have now seems to be so far, far away.

"Getting out of Beaufort is not a problem. It's more like figuring out what you gonna do when you get somewhere."

If life is ever so fragile, I hope the inner child will hold me in one piece, and guide me on with my true heart. Days in foreign lands are not hard; they are like fluid containers: they change me, they twist me, for good or not, I never know. But one thing for sure is I do not want to lose all those feelings once resided inside me. They're once my motivation.

Is something planned for us beyond this? I think I do not know, and do not wish to think deeper into it. I will lose myself while searching the answer in between. Sometimes there're too many theories and we kinda get lost in the maze.

I guess I do not need to look around for motivation anymore. It's already inside me, within me, and a part of me all along. It's asleep, or rather, it's forgotten.

A precious chance I fought all that hard for in the past, listening to the sad music I used to listen to, getting up late at night eating supper with a bunch of friends after a late study, watching movies depicting youngsters who fought their ways towards college...oh God, i can't believe that only 1 hour ago I just recalled myself those precious memories, ambitions and feelings that accompany me along in the long, dark night. This is what I've been looking for, ain't it?

Slowly caressing the furnitures all around me, I think to myself: it's time. It's not about getting motivated to study or do something in life. Motivation is a false light that always need to be serviced and maintained. Personally, I think I just figured out how to get over it. In the end, it's all about doing what I chose, and hold faith in the direction I want myself to be on. It's also about the faith I have in myself.

Faith.