Balance and Moving

For me the realm of science itself is more about awe, order and the fascinating innate ability of the few people who were able to thread them, sometimes in a web, sometimes a chain and sometimes a fuzzy state of being. Behold the uncertainty principle!

To the contrary of the beliefs of my friends and family, I am seriously very far away from even a modicum of discernment of this mysterious field. My mathematics is definitely mediocre, and I am beginning to pick up Calculus again. I am not particularly crazy about deep and revered passion in one direction, and for which I salvage myself through a pursuit of multiple ideas, fields and inspirations, sometimes crossing fiction to try to register the many psychological responses of human beings. In the light of this, I was and always will be a foot lagged, a step behind my peers in my eyes. I was always an equation short, a tool less. However so, I strive to explain things in my own words. I love to swim around it, or in another word, attack a problem with a sea of knowledge from different angles.

I had been through depression and thus I learned to be humble to myself. The greatest lie in the world is a lie to yourself, that's what I always remind myself. Sometimes I am cocky and stubborn and creasing at words which somehow crossed my line of defense, but these are all arrows pointing outward from my self, while within myself I pierce myself with all sorts of things I need to work on to improve, and this very ritual sometimes seems strikingly similar to the practice of penance. I always have that feeling down there. The feeling to hold on, to go on. It's sort of like jogging. You are hardly catching your breath, your legs are getting squiggly, yet you tell yourself that: lose it now you lose it forever, that sort of catch. 

And perhaps I could borrow a few tokens from Einstein, Larry Underwood (a character in King's "The Stand"), Feynman, Jobs, and whosoever I look up to. I always look up to people who were through a lot before they are who they are, especially mental struggles, ugly soul-searching and squeezed financial state. I do not believe in heroes. I believe in willpower, and I always believe it is that place which every fragment of the soul unites and unfolds unto an infinite opening.

From now on there are only the promises I made to myself, and the path. Tonight the wind is acing, Nature's demonstration at its best. Tonight, the force field is something which you could feel pumping in the air boisterous and merciless. Tonight is the night, the night which I think I have garnered the enough something in me, ether maybe, to move on.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. - Einstein