Training Journal 1: Balance of an Emotion

In Aikido, one does not fend off an attack by applying more force. Because if you apply force onto force, you create more force. Rather, we use the force applied on you back to your enemy by redirecting it.

Everything in this world channels yin and yang energy. You can call that good or bad energy but calling it yin and yang stays you away from defining it as good or bad because in this world everything can be really grey. I think of all energy, love is the one which channels one of the world's strongest yin and yang energy combined.

It's the same thing with emotions. You feel hatred. You do not try to contain it, nor do you try to change it. It is just there, but you have to balance the yin and yang side of it. You might ask, what's the correct balance? How do I do it? I have no answer to you on that. It varies from people to people. It is your godsend gift if you can get yourself an insight on that and then take control of yourself. Do not try to make yourself feel better. When you do that during times like that, you give birth to another kind of emotion or feeling. Trying to change emotion gives birth to another emotion. The same analogy of trying to contain force gives birth to a stronger force. In the end you will have tonnes of emotions (or force) that overwhelm you.

I start to realize more of Buddha's teaching. You love, but you love peacefully. Or in another word, you love with your love balanced in your heart within your universe of periphery. You feel sad, but you feel sad peacefully. The feeling is still there but you are not shaken by it. You ride a boat in the midst of the stormy sea, but your boat stays peace and calm all the way.

Emotions like love, care and etc might look good on the outside but if you don't realize there's a yin part to it, you will be caught surprise by it and suffocates later. So it's not about how much you love somebody. It's about how much you love him/her while you maintain the yin and yang of your love at peace with each other. If one offsets the other, you will create hate, suffocation, doubt, question and all and all. I think that's why Christianity's theme of spreading love cannot quite get its devotees to be at peace with themselves bah. They don't have this concept. All they do is about love, love, love but that could be really dangerous. It will bring people to extremity.

Amitabha. Let us train together in this journey of life. I am contemplating on the word 'respect' these days (just fyi).


(p/s: The post consists both of an email and a comment combined)

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Aikido Dojo Etiquette

For your information, this is the etiquette of my dojo:-

Aikido Dojo Manner and Etiquette
1. Upon entering and leaving the dojo, always perform a standing bow toward
O'Sensei's portrait (Shomen).

2. Remove your shoes and place them neatly on the line of wall. This not only keeps
the dojo clean but it also symbolizes the dojo’s attitude.

3. When entering and leaving the mat area, always perform a seated or standing bow
facing Shomen.

4. Respect your training tools. Dogi should always be clean and in good repair. Out of
respect for your training partners, always wash your uniform after no more than two
training sessions.

5. Use good personal hygiene. Finger and toe nails should be trimmed short and kept
clean to avoid injury.

6. Do not be late for class. Getting on the mat after class has begun is disrespectful
to Sensei and is a disruption to your fellow students. Arrive at the dojo early enough
to change. Help with aligning and cleaning the mats. Use this time to warm up or
sit quietly in preparation for class. Do nothing to disturb others who are waiting for
class to begin.

7. Class opens and closes with a bowing ceremony and it is important for you to
participate. If you are unavoidably late for class, sit quietly in seiza, at the edge of
the mat, until Sensei gives you permission to join the class. When stepping onto the
mat perform a seated or standing bow facing Shomen. Do not disrupt the class
when entering the mat area. Walk behind and not in front of others who are sitting.

8. The proper way to sit on the mat is in seiza. If an injury prevents you from sitting in
seiza, you may sit cross-legged with your feet underneath. Never sit with your legs
outstretched or lean against walls and posts. You must remain alert and aware of your
surroundings at all times.

9. Do not leave the mat for any reason without first receiving Sensei's permission.

10. If you must leave the mat or have a question for Sensei regarding practice, go directly to him; never call Sensei over to you. Bow respectfully and wait for his acknowledgment.

11. While Sensei is demonstrating a technique, you should sit quietly and attentively in
seiza. After the demonstration, bow to Sensei, then bow to a partner, and begin
practice.

12. When Sensei signals the end of a technique or practice session, stop immediately,
bow to your partner, and line up with the other students.

13. When receiving personal instruction during class, sit attentively in seiza. Bow to
Sensei when he has finished.

14. If someone near you is receiving personal instruction from Sensei, you may stop
your practice and observe. Sit quietly in seiza and bow to Sensei when he has
finished.

15. Never stand around idly on the mat; you should be practicing or, if necessary,
attentively waiting your turn.

16. If you know the technique being studied and your training partner does not, you
may lead your partner through the technique but do not assume the role of the
instructor.

17. Your are here to practice Aikido as interpreted and taught by Nagai Sensei; do not
force your ideas on others. At the same time respect those who are more
experienced than you.

18. During class keep talking to a minimum and directly related to what you are
practicing.

19. It is everyone's responsibility to keep the dojo clean and in good repair. If you see
something that needs to be done, show initiative and do it. If you're not sure what to
do, alert a senior student to any need you may uncover. If you would like to
volunteer any personal skills that might be an asset to the dojo, please speak to a
senior student.

20. There is no eating, drinking, or gum chewing in the mat area.

21. In order to prevent injury or damage to personal property, no jewelry should be
worn during practice.

22. All cell phones and pagers should either be turned off or on silent as not to disrupt
class.

23. Visitors are always welcome to observe class but the following rules of etiquette
should be followed:
a. Sit quietly and respectfully.
b. Do not disturb anyone on the mat.
c. Do not talk or walk around while Sensei is demonstrating.
d. Do not eat, drink, or chew gum in the mat area. Do not smoke in the dojo.
e. Make sure all cellphones and pagers are either turned off or on silent.

25. All visitors should be treated as prospective students and training partners.
Everyone should make a concerted effort to make visitors, and new students as well,
feel welcome. If a visitor enters the dojo during practice, either excuse yourself from
class to greet them or alert a senior student who may not have seen them enter.

26. If you are unsure of what to do in a particular situation, ask a senior student or
simply follow their lead.

27. Most importantly, always have fun and enjoy your practice!

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Ready for the Path

Finally I'm set, with the correct mind and correct condition, to go into my long awaited mental and physical meditation. This would start effectively from tomorrow. How long would this take I don't really know, but I would be minimizing contact with the outer world so this mean that I would not sign in my msn, if I do, it would be 100% appearing offline. Guess would not blog so much as well, but would do so occasionally to update my situation to you guys.

Other than close friends in HK, any other people who want to see me are sincerely rejected here beforehand. If you see this, I hope you understand my situation now requires a still mind and peaceful environment. Would not attend any lunches or dinners unless they're crucial. Please do not call me unless it is necessary.

Thank you very much.

For the mind that wanders into the realm of stillness, I would project myself onto a path seeking both peaceful resolution and physical discipline.

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Strength

There's no true strength.

There're only roads, and your choice to keep walking on.

And now I am.

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Real

Recently I have something to say about the thing called 'reality'.

In fact I never felt so real in my life before like now I am. In the past, floating is the norm. Dreamy states are common. Now, things are solid and real. Even dreams are real. Tell me how different that is? I would tell ya, super duper different.

Or I would call this state: process things as they come by.

Maybe I will look more into this state of mine later on but at this moment, if you need any news, life is very good for me.

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Back alive and kicking in HK

Bought my first organizer today. Life is revolving around new meanings these days. It's no longer about shaking the legs and finding the hypes, but rather shouldering the burden and being an adult who lives life carrying out responsibilities and feeling peaceful at the same time.

Plans are starting to fill my schedule already too. A stable relationship at this age mean that I have to seriously set my head down on the road to career and family planning.

Reading a biography on Gandhi these few days. Love his definition of life is about action, both physically and mentally. At its core it's the willingness and natural instincts that lead these actions. A saint like Gandhi is always one I look up to. Chewing his words in my mind alone can make me feel extremely peaceful.

Okay now off to re-vent my room. Time to make my room the perfect place to work.

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In KL

And CNY's busiest season pass by just like that, in a blink of an eye. Now here I am, in KL for my two day visit.

Hopefully I can extract as much fun as possible out of these two days.

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In Penang

Old faces and renewed strength in Penang. What a joy in this Tiger-themed Chinese New Year.

I am always surprised by how you can find the strength in Penang. It might be the fengshui. It might be the people. It might even be the fleeting moment of feeling your old roots once again.

Well seriously I am thinking of altering the way things are arranged in that small room of mine in Hong Kong when I am back. At least for that the fengshui works. And might wanna add a portable lamp in Gok Ling's house too so that I can work there as well too.

Oh yeah...HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

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The Imaginarium

In Hong Kong, 2010 kicks off with the film "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus". A good start I would say. Heath Ledger's last seen footage saddened me as his bewildering acting and palette of emotions painted the hearts of the audiences, but Jude Law, Colin Farrell and Johnny Depp closed the deal in his stead. I like Depp a lot, and I recognized him straight when he pulled on his 'surprise' look. Still, Ledger performed the best nonetheless.

Dr. Parnassus would have fared way much better. He is a sacred man to start with, but he fell into an endless betting game with a Devil that lured him out of his cave. The Devil whispered: "So you're not a betting man, eh?" and Dr. Parnassus took the challenge, trying to prove what he believes in.

It turns out to be a wrong turn on the road. Dr. Parnassus could not differentiate his ideals from his desires anymore when he was granted immortality after winning the Devil. What follows is his endless betting game that goes ever on with the Devil, and in the end he lost his cool and wits.

"Don't give me choices anymore! I don't want to choose anymore!" Dr. Parnassus cried in despair, hugging the road sign pole in the middle of a snow swept mountain, on which written "To left - High Road"; "To right - Low Road". His tears streamed down his cheeks, and he knelt down, begging. His mind is lost in the imaginarium of desires and dreams.

His greed blinded him, and the thing that is noteworthy is, the greed is nothing but what we deem to be something small in our lives. The mere whim to win a bet; "love at first sight" fancy; the will to save your possession from being owned by others; the slim hope of trying to turn a promise around, you name it.

Once he purified people by telling them what their dreams are, and who they really are. He pointed out to them what is really there, and what actually are they dreaming. He walked them through his Imaginarium which the desires of the people entering there would be magnified in scales and beautified into fantasy. Slowly, Dr. Parnassus lost himself and when he can't see himself anymore, his desires slowly blind him and in the end he does not know what he did wrong anymore.

So what sealed his fate in the end? Seek the answer in your nearby cinemas. You wouldn't want to miss this show. Avatar might teach you a little philosophy in its course but "Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" took you through the journey of finding answers to questions we always ask in life. "What does choices really mean?"; "What it means to make a choice?" and you might find the portrayal of the different forms of greed which exists in our everyday life both surprising and astonishingly terrifying.

So, when is the last time you really look at yourself and your surrounding while identifying 'what is' and 'what should be'? Try this movie and find out for yourself. And let Heath Ledger amaze you again with his convincing performance. He was a genius too young to die.

(Photo courtesy of the article "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus" from Wikipedia)

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"I am", I said - Neil Diamond

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is 'lay back'
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin' about
Making my way back

Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried, but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

What it really means to give...

After a nice and long talk with Shiaun, finally I get down to earth, and it's the first time I feel solid. And Xinch is right too, all the while. The moment you can give yourself fully in a relationship is the moment you are contented with yourself.

Because I am not doing what I am doing, then it turns out I am not giving myself.

Because I think about learning more about the other person and what I can do for her, I lost myself, and when you are lost, you are already in your own world. You don't go around giving what people want, it's just about giving it when you are giving it. Shiaun has a perfect example for this. It's like, I have a lot a lot of sweets, but if they are not with me now, I can't even give you one. That means, if I go around hunting for what the other needs in her life, in the end I will just end up not giving my all. I will just end up giving sweets while she needs chocolate, because the desire of her for sweets already 'expire'.

So what I can do? It's not about what I can do for her actually, now to think of it. It's about me settling my own feelings down, be calm, be contented, and go on with the flow of life and love. I think it's when you are going with the flow of the mixture of feelings and love and life, then when it's time to give sweets then you can give them. If you cannot, then so be it.

Another catch of it is that it's about faith. We don't go tell our mums that, hey, don't do that...if not, I'm not going to acknowledge you as my mum. That's why bah. I don't go around judging my own feelings for her whether it is right or wrong or whatsoever. It's just as easy as she's really really important to me and I want her in my life. That's how easy the faith should go, and I practically don't have to do anything 'extra'. Of course there will be efforts, there will be emotions, but the feeling of losing it doesn't matter anymore. Because in the end she is still the person who is important to me, even she leaves me, she's still important. That's the catch of it bah, and with that, I don't think being in your own world matters anymore. With that, somehow you will just walk towards each other, naturally.

So, the answer to 'What it means to really give in a relationship?' is just like the following for me: Be contented with your own feelings; Believe in the importance of her in my life; Always be conscious of the surrounding situations; and finally, go with the flow.

And I think I am on it now, finally. The time is ripe for me to settle down my feelings, and you are not wrong to think that, yea, finally I understand love more.

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Uchimaki Ryushi

After the death of old me, I am reborn as Uchimaki Ryushi now.

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Hence a new chapter unveiled...

This not a defeat I am talking about. This is a new leaf, a new chapter. I've finally come to admit that I am but a more than normal person, trying his best to discern the physical phenomena that never stop to awe me.

From today onwards, clarity is what I seek. Calm in the search, with a clear mind and steady legs.

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From Beijing with Love

It's a good time to examine myself again. I found that I am lagging off in the mood of wanting to achieve something big the past month. But this trip to Beijing somehow brings me a message, a subtle one, but I sensed it in time, captured it, and played with it.

I think somehow I am not occupied by alot of things as alot of people and myself would have assumed. Of course there are tonnes of things piling up in front of me waiting for me to settle, but it's the mind that is clogged, not my schedule.

Although Beijing is heavily polluted, I think this trip somehow cleansed a big part of my clogged mind. It seems like, suddenly, I made it to the other side of the sea which I thought that I could not cross before. I am not easily tensed anymore, alot more calm and quit shaking my legs. I got heavily sick in Beijing, and spent most of the time drinking water and sleeping. I can get more focused and I somehow know that things come my way, no matter how difficult they are, I can tackle them with confidence.

It is something very utterly different comparing to my old confident self. And that's why I am writing this, to explore more about how it works.

I think the change has something to do with my illness, people I meet in Beijing, the experience I had, the food I eat, the conversations I had, the sms-es I received and everything else that might slip my mind.

It's inexplicable. Trust me it isn't. Somehow, things changed. My POV changed. I can settle more with myself than before, and I mean a lot more. Before it's the vibes, the adrenaline that push me. I am not saying now it isn't, but the chakra I feed on before suddenly grow a lot more than before. I am starting to feed on the natural energy around me now.

It's indeed very strange and it's a good change. Beijing, the city that changed me.

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Off to Beijing

Looks like it's been a long long time since I updated my blog. Not that I don't want to, but feel sien that's all.

Going Beijing tomorrow. Will be there for one week. Go there for competition so it's not a trip. Wish can win something back.

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發語錄 1

One of my very best friend and also my senior and also my mentor Ah Fatt always tell me great words that sometimes are just bullshit but sometimes they make so much sense that those particular words burn my heart. From now on, I shall jot down those words that burn me and fuel me to go on while those bullshit, well, just go eat grass la Ah Fatt!!

Ah Fatt (21.9.2009, Monday, Malaysia/HK time: 11.20 am), on tonnes of work that make people high, for e.g. "at least I don't have to worry that I will have nothing to do for the coming one month":-


"The most fun thing in this world would be to stand by the edge of the cliff, right? The next step, either you survive or you fall down. If you survive then there you are, still there, waiting anxiously for the next moment that you might fall down. But if you fall down, then bye bye lo, BUT at least, you still can enjoy the fleeting sensation of free falling."


Very sound advice. It made people high didn't it? Let us stand on the edge together from now on, everyday, enjoying the strong wind!! Man it makes me so high!

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One of the Many Truths

I spent my holidays doing some deep soul searching and I found some truths on my own path. I wouldn't say that they are those 'OMG' type of revelation or enlightenment, but I know that I am moving forward, and how far forward it is actually a relative scale. To some, it might sound like leaps and bounds; To some, it might be just those little stuff that you had already come across in the past.

To me, I am just inching forward but I am perfectly happy with my pace. I feel that I am at peace with myself. In the past when I drink beer my mind clouded me with sad and demotivating thoughts and despair in love affairs. These few days I found that when I drink I won't have those thoughts shadowing over me anymore, and I do not have very happy thoughts as well. I am just, me. Peacefully me.

One of the truths that I can put into words is: It's not what you do not know that obstructs you; It is what you think you know that will always be the biggest invisible obstructions.

I believe that would be one of the biggest thing I come to realize this summer. What we don't know, we can always learn. It is the already-built beliefs and 'knowledge' that are the toughest obstacles. You wouldn't skip school because you believe that teachers teach stuff that is not in the syllabus while you were gone. You constipate because you thought the bad toilet environment is affecting your bowel movements. You cannot work because you knew that the conflicting living habit with your roommate is taxing you so much that you feel so freaking tired.

All of these, aren't they something that you thought you knew?

Well I find myself to be able to work real hard even my roommate's conflicting living habit with me is taxing me harshly. Actually, all these while, it's about you yourself, not the others. It's you who reinstates the negative emotions generated in your own self which in turn brings out exactly the same repetitive 'bad ending' that you 'anticipated'. To find peace with others, first you have to dig inside your soul and find peace with yourself. Ask yourself why are you afraid of switching jobs? Ask yourself why are you afraid of confessing your love to the one you really like? Ask yourself why you are afraid of living in an environment that failed you before? Ask yourself why you are so afraid of standing up again to the challenges and instead choose to cry in the dark? Ask yourself why when woman is way older than the man in a relationship, you are scared that the relationship would look bad from the outside when they grow old together?

Is it really the faults of the environment? The people around you? Your family who put the pressure on you? Your friends who tell you that a personal toilet is the best solution to constipation? Or is it just you?

Ask yourself. And think again. The answer is in your soul. And yes this is not a line from the movies, now you should know after reading this post. Like what the Oracle told Neo when he first came into her room:-

Know Thyself.

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Riddikulus!

Days been hectic back in Hong Kong again, but not hectic because I got a lot of things to do, but rather that I have a lot to do but I can't put myself in a good shape and mood to execute them. Room sharing is really taxing, especially when you are doing a tough job that requires a lot of mental concentration and thus when your private space and life is fucked up by your roomie, possibility is high that you will start to feel that you are so easily worn out in a short period of time.

Sometimes when you feel so tired and just want the lights out, the wildman in your room will tell you: "I am sorry that I am sensitive to darkness." WTF? Are you fucking with me? I mean, this just doesn't make sense. But what else I can do? I am a person who will feel guilty if I happen to cause troubles to people. Meeting an insensitive and pukimak roomie will cause communication breakdown in the end, which is the situation I am experiencing now. I remember I can talk to this guy when I shared the same room with him back in year one summer but so much has changed since then. He even washes his legs and left the water basin there for days to weeks now. I tried to talk to him but he will repeat it after a few minutes or a few days. In the end I am so aggravated that I tried things like switching my desktop speakers on when he is talking loudly on the internet phone with his gf. And guess what? He asked me to lower the volume down! I did and later on I will increase the volume again.

Guess Naruto is right. Revenge will only backfire in another form. Soon after that we would even fight over little things like I would switch the ceiling light off while I walk out of the room with him switching it back on moments later for three to four hours straight. Oh yeah speaking of this, this guy will switch the fans off sometimes in the middle of the night. WTF??? It is a freaking hot summer now. I hate the way things became now but when I decided to end this in a peaceful manner, new scenarios happen. When I was back in Hong Kong less than a week ago, I found rubbish all over the place, and I even found an unfinished plum seed in my toiletries basket. Fuck you!

Suddenly I felt so tired of being a good guy anymore.

Now I am back from outside, feeling so tired and wanna rest my mind a while to give things a thought before I dive into work tomorrow, there he is talking with his gf loudly over internet phone.

I am not just tired. I think I give up on him. Whatever shit or racket he is going to make, let him be. I am going to move to my new room soon. I am crossing my fingers, counting days as the clock ticks slowly. Since when I am living with a boggart? Well honestly, I didn't realize it until now. Maybe what I need is just a wand and a shout of "Riddikulus!"

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Back

Days been really good for me in Penang. And as I was about to leave the place, a huge wave of heaviness took me over. I was rather surprised, as I usually am more enthusiastic about coming back to Hong Kong. Guess that a lot of things have changed deep down inside of me from this fruitful holiday.

I come to understand more about myself and more about life. And on the path I found a little confidence and faith in the path that is laid beyond.

Guess it's time.

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Departure

What's coming next? What's there ahead?

Nobody knows. Everything is uncertain. What we can do at our best is, focus.

For now, my focus is to relax. :P

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