Subconscious Tour Into The Bird

日本人寫給中國人的信

2011-04-17T21:23:00.002+08:00

雖然我根源中華，但近年以來與內地人還有香港人接觸十分多，不免懷疑爲什麽今天的中國這樣子。這是一篇號稱由日本人寫的信，我覺得很有趣，給大家參考。最重要不是要議論他說的對還是錯，而是我們可以借鏡什麽，可以反省什麽，可以改變什麽。

無論這對現在真實的中國人還是好比我們在海外的中華子裔，這都十分重要。

一封日本人寫給中國人的信

作為一個日本人，我想在這裡和你們談談我對中國人的一些看法。我以前是中國人民大學的一名留學生，在中國呆了五六年了，因此我完全有資格來說說我的看法。

日本和中國地理上很近，但兩個民族的性格卻是差得很遠的，中國人給我的開始印象是很好的，但時間一長，許多缺點暴露了，中國人膽小、恭順、懦弱、虛偽、圓滑、愛耍小聰明，尤其是讓我無法理解的是中國人為什麼對自己的同胞那麼無情，卻對一個外國人恭善有加。我剛開始來中國時，不過一個窮書生，但我卻能受到超國民待遇，幾年的經歷讓我深刻感受到中國人的確一盤散沙，中國人團結一心是有的，但那是在非常時期，比方說民族就要被滅了，不過那也不是什麼徹底的團結，中國人在外斗和內鬥中似乎更傾向後者，中國人更恨的是漢奸，卻不是侵略者（在侵華問題上，我比較尊重歷史，承認這是日本的過錯），中國人民養活我們在戰爭中的遺孤，卻可以在文革中無情的迫害自己的同胞，（甚至是親情之間），這些我都無法理解，如果不是中國人可能誰也不理解，你們中國人是怎麼理解的，如果說中國人善良，虛偽什麼，我不知道怎麼回事，如果單純的沒有中國人的自相殘殺，也許可以說這是善良，但有了文革，情況就不同了，老實說，我對你們的做法沒有什麼感謝的成分，只有不理解和疑問。

還有我同樣不理解你們對日本戰後賠款的放棄在這個世界上，沒有哪個民族再像中華民族這麼對外隱忍，對內殘酷的了。這讓我想起了以色列和德國的關係，說實話我很佩服以色列人，他們對德國人不依不饒的態度，這表明他們重視自己的價值和權利，他們沒有原諒德國人，但德國人卻很敬重他們，相反，在東方，現實是日本人很瞧不起中國人，你們放棄賠款，你們原諒我們，我們依然恨你們，瞧不起你們，鄙視你們，原因不在我們，在你們自身，你們自輕自賤，別人也沒辦法，中國人沒有血性，意氣都被磨光了，剩下的是暮氣，自卑，和你們所說的崇洋媚外。
你們號稱文明古國，但是除了那些死的建築，博物館裡的文物，現實在中國人的生活裡，哪還有傳統文明的影子？不錯，日本受過中國文化的長期影響，但現在保存這些文化鮮活性卻在日本、韓國、新加坡，不在中國大陸，你們把誠信、節義、禮儀、四書五經看作四舊掃到垃圾堆裡，聲稱建立一個新社會，卻不想是現在這個樣子，你們比我更清楚，一方面貪污腐敗（騙人的鬼話：腐敗是世界各國都面臨的問題），紙醉金迷，聲色雞犬，一方面窮的連飯都吃不飽。造假，中國無人能敵，能吹牛，見利忘義，你們沒有什麼信仰，信馬克思主義。要是馬克思知道在他的主義下是這樣的社會，恐怕早也給氣死了，精神空虛，彼此不信任，難怪一盤散沙，現在的中國人，其麻木、愚昧程度不比1895年好多少。

中國是個大國，但在政治上是個絕對的弱者，你們總嘲笑我們日本是政治矮子，但我們比比社會制度，看看哪個在世界上吃得開，社會主義國家沒幾個了，又不團結，專制，獨裁,世界不歡迎，但因為你中國太大了，所以能顯得重要，但是你們從來都是應對西方的政治攻勢，沒有過主動出擊，因為你就是不行，人權叫人家抓了多少年？誰把人權降格到生存權就是最大的人權？文革，大躍進，你們的政府多少錯誤，你們的歌唱家還唱：改革開放的領路人，帶領我們走向新時代。再也沒有中國人這麼溫順了，多聽話，在當今文明的世界裡，這種情況是少有的。

你們中國人在糟蹋自己，自己的智慧，資源，你們中國經濟發展快，可代價呢？資源的枯竭，環境的惡化，你們一個好好的能源省山西，被你們糟蹋成什麼樣了，經濟落後，民生凋敝，貪官橫行，你們不知道，在中華民國統治大陸的時候，山西還是模範省份，你們也不知道山西在中國歷史的地位，那時清代的山西經濟強，唐代一半的宰相出自山西，地位遠比你們所謂驕傲自豪的上海高，現在你們看看山西，就知道什麼是歷史與現實的差距了（人均GDP中國倒數第一），你們就這麼糟蹋資源，如果山西給了日本，日本會像祖宗一樣供著他，遠比你們重視北京，上海強，你們經濟快，老喜歡拿什麼上海，北京作窗口，愚蠢！那兩個城市占中國國土多少，人口多少？你們長期忽視農民，9億中國農民不搞好，你們中國要出大亂子。在北京我與一個來自山東的流浪老太太談話，她是帶著她的兩個親生女兒在北京做皮肉生意的，她說，靠自己吃飯，不丟人，丟人的是這個社會，因為40多年前，當地政府敲鑼打鼓把他們幾千人移民到新疆，送到幾百里荒無人煙的地方，任他們自生自滅，死掉的人不知道有多少，但就是不讓回山東，逃回山東也沒用，政府說他們不是山東人，沒有戶口，幾十年來流浪，找誰說理去？

你們好大喜功，幾百億的工程說幹就幹，我們這些被你們看作小氣的日本人乍舌，中國好富，可你們的失業人員卻在增多，多一個失業的人，社會就多一個不穩定因素，你們沒有解決，農民低收入，你們不重視，貧富差距拉大，你們視而不見，你們喜歡的只有外國人的讚揚，這一點很多人看得清楚，你們虛榮，奢侈，你們的社會亂七八糟，去年的中國大陸富豪，今年落馬的不少，最近的就是那個叫周正毅的上海人，你們有問題的社會造就有問題的富翁，你們還恬不知恥的說日本完了，中國要超美國了，哈哈，短視！你們不過開放20幾年，就這麼吹，日本經濟是在停滯，但你們拚死干了十年還不到日本經濟總量的四分之一，至於超美國，更是神話，還有，世界環境對你們很不利，而日本，憑著制度的優越，國民的務實，以及西方的真誠支持，是完全有理由復甦的，中國卻因為意識形態、制度與美國或大多主流國家格格不入，中國穩定沒什麼，一旦陷入社會動盪，經濟崩潰，周邊國家沒有誰會鼎力支持的，因為你們的國家始終給人以另類的感覺，所以日本敗，尚有機會趕上去，中國敗，則完全四分五裂，周邊國家喜歡中國這樣，俄羅斯不喜歡你們好，印度恨你們，我們恨你們，東南亞恨你們，所以你們的環境很差很差，可你們沒有危機感，感覺良好，這就是愚昧！

東方人中，我們尊敬韓國人，因為他們和我們很類似，就是有血有肉，敢做敢為，我們在歷史問題上和你們有摩擦時，韓國人可以從總統到國民都抗議，中國只有外交部幾個無足輕重的發言人在那裡咿咿呀呀，哈哈，這就是差別，韓國人恨我們，但我們敬重這個對手，你恨不恨我們，我們感覺無所謂，因為你們性格、品行告訴世界，中國人沒有剛性，我現在在想，前世不忘後事之師，到底中日之間誰在忘記歷史？我們參拜神社，改歷史教課書，說明我們沒有忘記那段歷史，你們呢？二戰中的受害者？你們為了黨派之爭，不顧民族的大義，說什麼在中國共產黨領導下八年抗戰，歷史書寫那段歷史寫得比我們還要模糊，是你們在篡改歷史，哈哈!（這再次說明內鬥勝於外斗）你們罵我們不正視侵略中國的戰爭，傷害中國人民的感情，可你們呢？正視歷次政治運動對自己人民的迫害了嗎？正視文革對中國的毀壞了嗎？你們需要正視的太多啦，這都是誰在傷害中國人民的感情啊？拍南京屠城的電影，你們中有人竟然還說為什麼不多來些強姦的鏡頭。你們中國人就這種樣子，叫別人怎麼拿你們當回事情，你們可以無能，但你們連人格都不要了，美國人打得我們要死，我們不恨他們，我們佩服他們，韓國人被我們統治過，現在造就了經濟奇跡，他們敢鬥敢為，我們敬佩他們，你們中國人沒有什麼值得我們看得起你們的地方，好好反省一下，你們地大物博，歷史悠久，卻敗在我們手下，不覺得羞愧麼？

一盤散沙的社會生長一盤散沙的人，你們的時代裡還出過什麼志士麼？民國還有過魯迅，蔡鍔，朱自清這些我們佩服的人，現在你們除了貪官，虛華學者，思想懦弱的知識分子，還有什麼？你們不是說要培養本土的諾貝爾獎得主麼？為什麼現在還沒有？你們的龍芯主頻只有266赫茲，卻在吹要商業化，哈哈！中國人，我們敬佩你們什麼？？同根同宗的新加坡也要在SARS時制你們一回，羅剛事件，讓人無法理解的事件，散漫的中國人啊，以色列人那麼齊心，你們那麼分散，你們十幾億人，十幾億條心思，我們一億日本人都在想怎麼讓我們的國家走出困境，我們都活在地球上，有趣！

(來源: http://hi.baidu.com/leopin/blog/item/fd07bf09222d01286b60fb17.html)

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Malaysianology #1: Low Cost Terminal to KLIA-2

2011-03-21T18:11:00.006+08:00

Posted by Magician @ http://www.skyscrapercity.com/showthread.php?t=331041&page=40

I had been traveling a lot these days and there are a lot of thoughts here and there conjured out from here and there and everywhere. Basically, I am against planning my blog post but I think it's time to at least get the theme right so that I can organize my mind when I am blogging. One of the series I had in mind for a long time is one about Malaysians and Malaysia. Bits of these and those. Let's call this series: Malaysianology. Now I think I gonna start with this one which is on my mind since yesterday night.

I didn't know of the very thing called new Low Cost Terminal nor KLIA (Kuala Lumpur International Airport) 2, until last night. The plan is shown in the figure above.

Why would I mention this out of nowhere? It's because the original theme for this new terminal is Low Cost Terminal and I heard from a contractor working on the KLIA-2 on stupid things that not even I can imagine of.

New LCT is meant to be 'low cost' but because it is such a huge piece of meat, every contractor and the person who applied for the grant (always a bumiputera, or aboriginals or in most cases in Malaysia, almost 99.999%, Malays) is trying their very, very, very best to squeeze as much money out of the government as possible. Now let me relay to you what I heard of:-

(1) In LCT standard, two levels of building is already considered a lot. HOWEVER, they built multiple stories, with 4 levels being the least. Thus, everything has to be upgraded, including shop lots, interior design, ventilation. The cost for the airport is RM$2 bil., and now it is nearly impossible to build the whole thing under RM$4 bil.;

(2) Thus, they decide that the name Low Cost Terminal is urm, inappropriate. They changed the name to KLIA-2. Wow.

(3) It is not unusual that a big projects involves a lot of contractors. In this case of "KLIA-2" involves unusually a lot. But that's not the point I want to make. The point I want to make is, they are so unsystematic that one design clashes the other. A control tower worth $RM 150 mil. was forced to be demolished and rebuilt because they found out that it blocks the line of sight of the pilot from the airport runway. Ridiculous? Not in Malaysia apparently. They just, you know, demolished it and rebuilt another one by the side. RM$150 mil. gone, just like that.

(4) The volume designed for the LCT is now urm, much much much lower than the amount of passengers that KLIA-2 can accommodate now, because everything is built so much extra in advance that the contractors themselves understood that unless Malaysia becomes a huge metropolitan city like Singapore or Hong Kong, or else it is near impossible to use up to even 50% of the volume.

So how do I feel after listening to these? Sad? Disappointed? Aghast?

How am I going to just accept these?

How much more stupidity like these I have to endure more, from the government and the thoughtless corrupted MPs trying to squeeze every part of the the $RM 5 mil. assigned to them so that they can put them in their pockets?

Fellow Malaysians, I, for one, cannot accept this at all. I believe, and still believe, KLIA happened in that way too because every time I was in KLIA, I felt its bizarre emptiness and casual traffic instead of the busy pace I experienced in Hong Kong. I cannot keep thinking myself that, what is wrong with the Malaysian government?

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Just Attempting

2011-03-21T18:04:00.002+08:00

Suddenly cannot find a word and a direction in my mind. It's blank and full of pure simple emotions. Maybe I am too tired after so long, or maybe I just accepted that I am attempting to do the job instead of doing it, the part on communication with superiors and negotiation alike. I find that when I am doing a negotiation which I would like to strike a chord to, I would be so intimidating instead of accommodating, like what happened last Friday.

Just so obvious to me now, another mask removed.

Am I a lost cause?

2011-03-07T13:52:00.004+08:00

There were too much negative emotions in the 1 year and 7 months I'd been spending, studying the master research degree here.

To make it worse, for the past two months I think new ones sprouted.

As a rational university graduate (well, from UG for now I guess), especially with research training, I doubted since long whether I am the sole person who created all these troubles. I was a lost cause in my first semester, almost covered by darkness alone and there was no light permeating through my life. Not a single ray.

However all these darkness seems to be stripped off me forcefully by the end of December 2009, when I chose to step up and face it.

Then I came to see GL from a whole new angle, and then the time we spent together led me to self-awareness and thus to facing myself honestly, deleting each mask and layer as time goes by. And because of her, I found aikido, one of the closest discipline I encountered which ultimately led me to my first enlightenment experience.

I say, I am really grateful.

Don't curse me yet. I am not whining here. I am just, still doubtful.

I knew that I am very interested in language research. Now I understand I am more suitable to that field instead of being stuck here, unhappy.

I knew I want to spend some time in Japan to study both aikido and Japanese, to see how much more I can venture on this Way.

What you knew and what you are doing, in my case now, is perhaps at the most polarized extremes. The traditional Chinese perception is that you should persevere and just do it. But for me, each day is inching on with my heart screaming: You're just wasting time.

Moreover, I am starting to have this kind of uncomfortable barrier with old friends I made in my university. The feeling of me unable to be honest to them pains me, and the way they are trying to make a point to avoid making me feel bad make me feel worse. I guess the culture of Hong Kong does brew this kind of very strange way of communication with each other. I do not understand why. It seems to me that it is exceptionally hard to express honest feelings to each other comparing to that of which I experience with fellow Malaysians, Singaporeans and other nationalities.

On my side while all facets have already changed 180 degrees, looking at these people distancing away really, really does sadden me.

Then for a moment of two I am starting to think again: Am I the lost cause again?

When I am starting to blame the culture and the people, I think, maybe it's just me who doesn't fit in. I admit that I held up a considerable of pride to try to keep quiet and see what kind of reactions are tailing, although till now there is none, I am still too proud to keep my silence.

No matter what, I made new friends. New friends who I can work with in a totally honest fashion. I love that kind of frictionless communications. I guess from the start, one side has to initiate this atmosphere to ensure this feeling is secured and flowing.

Had a very fruitful experiment with a friend again last night on aikido. We learn that there is a huge difference between doing the technique itself or doing the technique in accordance to the attacker. When you are doing the latter, there is a feeling of engagement between your center and the attacker, and you are so aware of the connections that the flow of the technique is almost flawlessly circular.

I guess this is the way of communication too. Only when engagement happens, then feelings towards each other along with the intentions will be met and felt. At these moments, there is strange feeling that you are both relaxed and attentive, and your center feels really stabile. This is really, what I have been searching all along and trying to refine every moment I have the opportunity to.

Still, I am a lost cause, for I know what is going on and still I upheld the pride to not initiate conversations. Although I did send emails but I still do not think that is good enough.

Well, I have enough to deal in my hands already. The biggest one, is of course, to start commit to what I knew and understood all along, instead of wasting more time.

Somehow I sensed that there will be a severe thunderstorm about to cross my path very soon. I am waiting for it, since long, long ago. In fact, I welcome it. And I welcome the sunny rays that will shower me after the ordeal.

Life, after all, is about living, not living what others think you should be living. This becomes even a clearer fact when you had done more than a year of soul searching and really know for sure what are you going to do in your life when all these nightmares end.

Just let me be the lost cause for a little more. Just a little more.

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Trust, and Commitment

2011-03-05T04:09:00.004+08:00

Had a long talk with GL tonight, albeit jeopardizing the urge to sleep thus still wide awake at this unearthly hour, it does reorganize what I had been toying with in my mind in just a cloudy form for the past few months. I gonna share with you all here.

At this very moment, I had seen what can be jeopardized by a non-committal attitude. And in this eventual awakening, I knew how many mistakes I made in the past that possibly caused a lot of chances coming by me wasted.

The very first of all, trust is something that you have to pay ultra-extra effort to earn but too, can be lost easily.

All my life I had been assuming too many things, including that which I can afford to be late, especially when it involves my best friend. However, it seems not to be so. Although I was late without receiving too much of just a scorn from my best friend, I definitely lost the confidence of him towards me if we were to be involved in something really serious, for example, business venture.

If I am late most of the time, I guess nobody will really put his/her faith in me even though he/she is my best friend.

Slight difference? Nope. Huge difference.

In this light, I come to understand just how much I did which, just out for my own comfort, in one way or another destroyed me. Yes, it destroyed me not just in terms of credibility, but most crucial of all, the determination to live on.

When Natalie Portman is asked what she thinks of afterlife, she said:-

"I don't believe in that. I believe this is it, and I believe it's the best way to live."

That exactly brings out the message of life. This is it. Live it, or live in lies. Commit, or spend most of your life dealing with 'reasons' of your non-committal attitude, especially after you promised something, whether formally or informally.

How much are you willing to commit to the words you utter out of your very own mouth? "I will come" but then you did not show up. Not even a message to clarify before that? For me, the acceptable time is to tell me at least one hour earlier, best if two hours earlier. Sorry, something's coming up and I might be late. How late? Be honest.

When you try to save face by being courteous: Oh no no no, just a few minutes late, and you turn up an hour late, guess what will happen. Well, most of the times nothing will happen. It just happens that you lost the trust of whoever that is at the receiving end that he/she will just 'assume' you won't have it serious the next time.

This, turns out to be really irresponsible. However if you were to speak on the enlightenment level, you are messing yourself up by living in your mind. Your own reasons. Your own expectations and cover-ups for the socially defined misbehavior. Who's gonna lose? Nobody nobody but you.

Natalie Portman had it right. This is it, this is the only life you are going to live. Commit, or die in vain. Living means committing.

Don't give reasons. Don't explain. If you just can't show up or don't want to, tell me that you won't. There's nothing to hide, nothing so hard after all. Be brave, be yourself, be a man. Face yourself, face your own life with the commitment that, this is the one and only life you are going to live.

p/s: Although I am being cool here, I realized there's still a long way from fully committing. I was late in the past few occasion as well. For those who were disappointed by me, I am sorry, although that apology really does not mean anything at all. I am, on the other hand, observing myself more and more intensely and calmly. I am really sorry.

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灰色的姑娘

2011-01-20T23:39:00.004+08:00

突然間有一些靈感，沒有必要一定要寫出來，只是想寫。

發現，當你心裡離一個人越遠的時候，當你越靠近他，你會嘗試抑或費力地與他更親近，抱得更緊。嗯，這裡說的當然不限於情侶，雖然我的立場是從情侶那一點出發的。

那說回男女關係吧。始終覺得，一對男女，如果要舒舒服服過一輩子，有一種東西很重要，自然。當然，你會說，無論什麽都是的。但是我的出發點還是從男女關係，不好意思。

當照片里的一個緊擁對方而另一個在假笑，有時候你會懷疑，假笑那一個是因為不習慣鏡頭？還是心裡面還有另一些話無意間透露了出來？

也許你說，假笑那個心裡自己有分曉；我說，也許假笑那個心裡面連自己要什麽都不知道。

我知道，你的影子還有一部份殘留在我心裡某個奇怪的部位里，讓我莫名其妙的找到的時候，有一種若有所失的感覺。

雖然不曾真的走在一起，心裡雖然還是嫉妒，我還是想祝福你真的找到自己，然後才在愛情里燃燒。如果你問我，有沒有一首歌可以闡述我不攜任何消息離去的理由或是心情，我說有。就是Yellowcard的Grey. 想起來，那個地方的旅行原來是那麼一回事，我有一點悻悻然，可是我還是覺得我不該如此看你。你一直來都是我那視野里遙遠難及、孤獨傲慢的天使。

或許，你不是天使。你是我心裡永遠都塗上了灰色的姑娘。

I know every last regret inside of me is my own
The way I hold them close has made me be this way
I will never change
I know I'm stuck here on my own, my own

Given one more try
I don't know if I would stay
I feel so much better now
Where did we go wrong
I know you still hold on to me
But it's time that you let go
I gave you things I had
That I could not get back again
But I'm better off alone

-

English, Overwhelming

2011-01-18T22:31:00.004+08:00

I was told to write something about English, maybe from a Malaysian point of view. I think for a while and I start to run my life on film, and try to play it slow whenever I sense “English” sneaking around. But then after doing that for like 5 minutes, I can’t help wondering why I have this ‘hatred’. I mean, I actually hate English and at the same time I love it. Well, the notorious “love-hate relationship”.

Then I sit down, a little bit perplexed. I mean, since when did this feeling festers in me and yet I discover none of its evil intention?

Then it hit me. The English language, the most popular language in the world, actually is the medium of “information overload” in my life.

The news, map, travel guide, Facebook, movies, music, user guide, nutrition facts, formal letters, subtitles, phones, emails, advertisement…name a few yourself. Yes, even the programming language is in English. You can say you use Chinese most of the time, but face it. When you go technical you go English. When you key in the URL you use English.

And this actually saddens me. Yes, if Russian is the most widely used language then maybe I will hate Russian now but what saddens me is actually the extreme information overload on us, this generation, this era. And you are right, there are a lot more information to come, increasing exponentially each day.

You might want to say, that isn’t so bad. But read this: “US Military Faced with Deadly Consequences of "Information Overload". I am not joking. We grow up with the awe of the proliferation of information but it is little known that actually information outgrows us by folds in the process. Or you know that, but you sort of went ignorant. And this, I think, might well be the cause of the phenomena which teenagers nowadays seem to be skilled at: Shut off. You go blah-blah-blah, and I don’t like it, so you are muted. My attention shifts to the next thing. You are not worth my time. I am sorry. Too much information.

The language which grows alongside the exploding rate of information is of course the most popular tongue, and that crown goes to English. I did observe some interesting stuff:-

a) An increasing amount of swearing on the net by ‘English’ users each day;

b) More and more comments are made in ‘Shut off’ mode;

c) English is transforming each day, going from its noble and artistic status back in the 80s to a conglomerate of modern, simple and “multi-cultural” expressions pieced together.

While we are being overwhelmed by information, I guess on the other hand, English is being overwhelmed too, by the constant dynamic atmosphere made feasible through technology. Editors of Webster’s Dictionary said that there is an average of 25,000 words added to the language itself every year but Global Language Monitor actually announced in June 2009 that amount of words in English surpassed the 1 million words threshold. This is crazy. If you haven’t quite noticed it, the language structure of English on the web is changing too. English users today tend to use longer sentence comparing to shorter sentence structure in the last century. Some journalists even love to saturate their articles with lots of unheard of vocabulary in daily life. Well I would say that, if there are more than 1 million choices, it wouldn’t be that hard to pull that off though.

Technology certainly alter the way human live but now it has come to the point of information overload which human brains could not take it anymore, I foresee there would be a lot of paradigm shifts in almost every aspect you can think of, that of education, organization of information etc. But then, a paradigm shift too for English? I never thought of that until now. What will happen when English vocabulary breaks the 2 million threshold? By that time, I really don’t know what to tell my kids to motivate them to learn English.

Face it, the amount of knowledge we are ‘supposed’ to learn is increasing each day. What is necessary and what is not? And why should I learn ‘valetudinarian’ instead of “hypochondriac”?

Man, what a lame reason to hate English. Sorry English, for I have sinned.

佛

2010-12-13T21:31:00.005+08:00

Bought a word '佛' on Mongkok streets. That guy used his feet to write such beautiful calligraphy. Simply amazing. And it costs only 80 hkd. So, why not?

And after looking at it for a while from my couch, it struck me how genius that guy is who translated Buddha into the word '佛'.

佛 is 人弗, and 弗 is a word which is often used to signify the meaning of 'no' in classical chinese text. The word 佛 is so brilliant that it actually means: 人不在. Or you can say, "He" is a human, but "he" is not there.

Such a simple and brilliant interpretation of Buddha into the chinese word 佛, to describe someone who is fully enlightened, and lost all egos that human possesses. He is there, but "he" is not. The shape retains, but the mind is already long gone.

-

The Malaysian Chinese Mentality

2010-11-25T16:18:00.006+08:00

The parcel box I picked up from the Post Office *I was not in my room when the postman delivered it so I had to pick up there...stupid procedure*;

Unboxing begins!! Can't believe the T-shirt could be actually folded into such a small size;

woohoo! The T-shirt and the album, which comes in both CD and a karaoke DVD. Unfortunately, 我還是我 and 不罵粗話 are taken out because Malaysian government said the songs are *political*

Just got my Namewee (黃明志) album last night from post office, and the unpacking really is something. Fetching the album and yes, the T-Shirt out of the box, that's like, wow-ness.

Then it gives me some thought on the Malaysian Chinese mentality I seen. Well, I would say Malaysian Chinese coz it's a little over if I include the Malay, Indian, Kadazan etc into this puddle of water. Of course, to be honest, the Malaysian Chinese is a generalization of those who I met. But seriously, don't take it seriously. =)

1) Malaysian Chinese will be very shocked when you tell them they need to commit. Well, here what I mean is, tell them to sign their names on a particular political petition. Or tell them to write down their names so that they will be responsible for something in the future. Usually, they will laugh kesi-kesi-ly (假死假死-ly), and try to find an excuse to run away;

2) Don't tell Malaysian Chinese to pay for something, for example, events etc. They will perform the kesi act as stated in No.1 and 'run' away. Or worse, they will pretend that they forgot to pay you back and hope that time will forget their 'forgetfulness';

3) For every free event, almost all Malaysian Chinese will attend (kinda true for my uni, HKUST);

4) When you tell a Malaysian Chinese to do something and he actually says "okay, okay", then be careful. That actually means "okay la, cincai la, you go die la, I do my own things can liao". And then you later will find that whatever things you tell him/her to do, it's just...never get started;

5) Malaysian Chinese will never make up their minds on the spot. They need time to think about it, and will react only on the very last moment of the deadline. So if you ask them to attend something, make sure you call them before last minute...only that time you will get a solid answer. Well, this includes asking them out for a simple dinner;

6) You need to understand that, Malaysian Chinese are a strange group that will easily believe negative side of things instead of the positive side. They are just so insecure and suspicious of almost all things. For example, you tell a Malaysian Chinese that xxx is actually a bad guy in spite of what he's done, an American will go "Really?", a Malaysian Malay will go "Tak sangka la", but for Malaysian Chinese, the reaction would be "Oooooo...是咩?", and you knew it, they are actually ingesting the words!!

7) Malaysian Chinese, although multi-lingual, is never proud of that. They always feel that their English is second-grade because of the accent, the Cantonese is not pure because it doesn't sound Hong Kong style, the Hokkien is not up to standard because we campur Malay words, and the Putonghua spoken is embarrassing because it's simply a joke to the Mainland and Taiwan Chinese.

I know a lot of you are skeptical of Namewee. You think that he just wanna get famous. But, be honest to yourself, who doesn't want to? At least Namewee tells you in your face that, yes, he wants to become 明星偶像.

Stand up, Malaysian Chinese. Stop all those cheapskates' habits. Stand up, be a man. Stand up to what you said. Speak the right words, and speak them rightfully and honestly. Don't just keep scolding and scolding then cower in a corner when somebody asked you to commit to what you said.

If you want Malaysia to change, change yourself first. Be honest, be yourself. And, come on, don't look down on your own culture and accent. 連自己的文化都瞧不起，到底發生了什麽事情？You are a Malaysian after all, no??

And the Namewee's "Say No to Racism" T-shirt!

-

Science on Enlightenment!

2010-11-19T10:51:00.007+08:00

Huge surprise!! Science is finally setting its foot on enlightenment, but the researchers might not know that they are doing it, in fact. Check this science cover story by New York Times on "When the Mind Wanders, Happiness Also Strays" out.

In this era, science is the dominating force. Science churns out technology, explanations, knowledge which saturate our lives with logic, the need for evidence etc. This actually brings us away from enlightenment, or you would say, the few major paths you can adopt to reach enlightenment, namely Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Taoism etc. Look at the explanations of all scriptures today. They talk about 'proofs', they talk about 'evidences', they talk about 'explanation on how a Prophet is coming to this and that'. These are not what the scriptures are originally about anyway.

When science hits itself at how to become more happy, things get interesting.

"When asked to rate their feelings on a scale of 0 to 100, with 100 being “very good,” the people having sex gave an average rating of 90. That was a good 15 points higher than the next-best activity, exercising, which was followed closely by conversation, listening to music, taking a walk, eating, praying and meditating, cooking, shopping, taking care of one’s children and reading. Near the bottom of the list were personal grooming, commuting and working."

Sex is one of the cores of a lot of religion scriptures, especially those in the east. They try something really simple, how does being in the moment feels like? It feels like sex!

And in Christianity, the core concept is Love. When you are loving, when you are deeply in love, a lot of these times you transcend your mind. You go into the moments of now without judging what they are. That's why, God is love.

And look at the quote, 'eating' is so far behind on the list! That's why Buddhism and Hinduism said, 'taste every bite like it will never repeat again'. That's why Christianity wants you to pray before a meal, not to thank God, but to bring you to this moment, this moment you are eating your meal! Don't stray away, enjoy every bite as it's God's truly special gift!

And that's why religions practice fasting too. When you enjoy your first meal after such a long time without devouring anything, even a simple piece of vegetable tastes like heaven. Urm, isn't it true with all things you eat? Why you don't feel that bliss? Coz your mind takes you away!

Every religion works the same. They want you to be in this moment, to be truly happy, to end your suffering (going into nirvana? go to heaven?).

But today, when everyone talks about logic and reasons, religion starts to fail. Religious scriptures tell you to experience, not to think. In fact, the ultimate core of religion is to reduce your mind less and less, until to nothingness. Christianity and Islam have a good start on this though, to submit, to believe without a hunch. This works like a charm if you do not think, do not go and prove whether God exists. But look at the people who preach today. Do they actually know what they are doing? Do they actually know what the scriptures want them to do?

Science can be reduced to one word: philosophy. Yes, that's why there are such thing called Ph.D.

Religion is not. Religion is about totality. Totally experience it.

I would like to quote Osho. He has quite a good way of presenting this:-

"Philosophy is concerned with the mind. Your head is enough; your totality is not required. Really, any question can be tackled in two ways: philosophically or totally; intellectually or existentially. For example, if someone asks, "What is love?" you can tackle it intellectually, you can discuss, you can propose theories, you can argue for a particular hypothesis. You can create a system, a doctrine ---- and you may not have known love at all.

To create a doctrine, experience is not needed. Really, on the contrary, the less you know the better because then you can propose a system unhesitatingly. Only a blind man can easily define what light is. When you do not know, you are bold. Ignorance is always bold; knowledge hesitates. And the more you know, the more you feel that the ground underneath is dissolving. The more you know, the more you feel how ignorant you are. And those who are really wise, they become ignorant. They become as simple as children, or as simple as idiots.

The less you know, the better. To be philosophical, to be dogmatic, to be doctrinaire --- this is easy. To tackle a problem intellectually is very easy. But to tackle a problem existentially --- not just to think about it, but to live it through, to go through it, to allow yourself to be transformed through it --- is difficult. That is, to know love one will have to be in love. That is dangerous because you will not remain the same. The experience is going to change you. The moment you enter love, you enter a different person. And when you come out you will not be able to recognize your old face; it will not belong to you. A discontinuity will have happened. Now there is a gap, the old man is dead and the new man is born. That is what known as rebirth --- being twice-born."

Philosophy, or science, is neverending. How can a mind ends? When you ask questions, you have answers. You ask how those answers come, you have another set of answers. And you know it too, these answers will come over the course of time. When you are working things out using your mind but not experiencing it, you are in a loop, forever and ever. That's 輪回. You go in a cycle, and you come back. You are stagnant. You never move forward. You never grow.

In fact, check Gurdjieff's books out. He actually combines a few east meditation techniques (Sufi's technique, or Islamic techniques) into the scriptures of Christianity, and in the course, he brought a lot of his students into enlightenment. Quote one of his students, Ouspensky's notes when he got out from the house after 3 months of practising the technique confined in a house:-

"
Then Gurdjieff said, "Come with me," They were residing in a Russian town, Tiflis. Gurdjieff called him out and they went into the street. Ouspensky writes in his diary, 'For the first time I could understand what Jesus meant when he said that man is asleep. The whole city looked to me as if it was asleep. People were moving in their sleep; shopkeepers were selling in their sleep. The whole city was asleep. I looked at Gurdjieff: only he was awake. The whole city was asleep. They were angry, they were fighting, they were loving, buying, selling, doing everything, now I could see their faces, their eyes: they were asleep. They were not there. The inner center was missing, it was not there. Ouspensky then said to Gurdjieff: "I do not want to go there any more. What has happened to the city? Everyone seems asleep, drugged."

Gurdjieff said, "Nothing has happened to the city, something has happened to you. You have been undrugged; the city is the same. It is the same place you moved around three months ago, but you couldn't see that other people are asleep because you were also asleep. Now you can see because a certain quality of awareness has come to you. You have become aware in every small measure by practising the technique. You have become aware! A part of your consciousness has gone beyond dreaming. That is why you can see that everyone is asleep, dead, moving, drugged, as if hypnotized."
"

And check Pythagoras out. You thought that he is the man of mathematics and philosophy? Actually he discovered those after he got enlightened! Interesting, no?

"
It is claimed that Pythagoras went onto Egypt with a letter of introduction written by Polycrates, making the journey with some Egyptian sailors who believed that a god had taken passage on their ship. Arriving in Egypt, Pythagoras tried to gain entry into the Mystery Schools of that country. He applied again and again, but he was told that unless he goes through a particular training of fasting and breathing, he cannot be allowed to enter the school. Pythagoras is reported to have said, " I have come for knowledge, not any sort of discipline." But the school authorities said," we cannot give you knowledge unless you are different. And really, we are not interested in knowledge at all, we are interested in actual experience. No knowledge is knowledge unless it is lived and experienced. So you will have to go on a 40 day fast, continuously breathing in a certain manner, with a certain awareness on certain points." After 40 days of fasting and breathing, aware, attentive, he was allowed to enter the school at Diospolis. It is said that Pythagoras said,"You are not allowing Pythagoras in. I am a different man, I am reborn. You were right and I was wrong, because then my whole standpoint was intellectual. Through this purification, my center of being has changed. Before this training I could only understand through the intellect, through the head. Now I can feel. Now truth is not a concept to me, but a life."
"

It's exciting to read in the New York Times report that:-

"
“I find it kind of weird now to look down a crowded street and realize that half the people aren’t really there,” Dr. Gilbert says.
"

In fact, not just half. You would say, almost all.

Maybe one day science will transcend itself into the realm of enlightenment. We do not know. But after reading that report, I can't really know, how many people actually know what they are reading? Or, are they there AT ALL when reading it? Visit "How to Consume Contents: the other way" by me. I didn't mention the context of "being there", but in fact that's the center of the post anyway. Be there, relaxed, no mind no judgment, and you will have pleasure reading everything.

Wait, no. You will have pleasure every moment of your life.

-

How to Consume Contents: the other way

2010-11-17T22:15:00.005+08:00

After years of studying in school and achieving good results + reading a lot of magazines and books weekly, I guess I have the accountability (sort of) to express a little of my experience on how to consume contents (or knowledge) smartly (or efficiently) bah.

Consuming contents has been a happening-around-the-corner daily routine, whether you realize it or not. Facebook, online news, blog feeds, wiki, newspaper, television, magazines, tabloids etc. In this era, unless you live in North Korea which there's less than 0.01% chance of you reading my post, every single person on earth deals with content consuming. You might have read a few articles or books or whatsoever on how to select books, magazine for efficient reading but here I am going a tad different. I go into the state of mind during content consuming.

Yes you sort of got it. It can be shrunk into one word: Feelings.

Basically I would differentiate two different feelings during content consuming, just for the purpose of illustration of course. You can explore your own afterward.

1) The feeling of "I want to get something out of this!";
2) The feeling of "Just glancing through...";

As I expect most of you reading this would at least gone through high school education, I bet all of you encountered problems studying subjects, and sometimes even reading novels/magazines. All along I noticed a few problems I encountered:-

a) I couldn't understand a shit, and I decided to understand word by word, and in the end I spent hours on a single page;
b) My feelings do not match that of the content I am consuming, creating frustrations and mixed feelings instead;
c) Almost contradictory views and supporting statistics on all sort of opinions focused on one single issue;
d) By and by I seem to have something locking me (seems like my eyesight could not move freely, and also arms etc) when I am consuming the content, this especially true when I am reading newspaper or magazines;

Well I couldn't list all, but those are what I could think of at the moment. All situations from A to D are encountered in both feelings 1 and 2. I always been wondering what's wrong with me until recent experience (aikido, enlightenment etc) led me to a better understanding and observation of the problem.

I notice there's a third feeling often goes unnoticed underneath our eyes. You have to observe yourself to find that state of mind. In this state of mind, you are not reading to get something out of it, rather you are not just glancing the content. Usually in this state of mind you enjoy the most out of your reading, because it is relaxing and refreshing, and you don't feel stressed doing it. And the knowledge absorbed during this state stays for the longest time in your memory. You wouldn't seem to forget it, somehow.

I call this state of mind: Experiencing the contents.

This is very different from imagining that you are the main character and walks through the story. If you do that, sometimes your current emotions clash with the content and you couldn't continue. You are actually doing Feeling 1, trying to sync yourself with the story. In this sense you bound to fail anyhow.

To experience the content is like listening to the sound of a river, or a waterfall. You won't mind too much on what each word means. Rather, you are going with the content in its flow. You are accepting it and you are following it, continuously. Mind that "continuously" is very, very important.

Also in order to fully experience the content, you have to accept yourself. Yes, accept your own feelings and emotions. And constantly check how stiffened your body is. Is it in a naturally relaxed condition? Naturally relaxed as in your back is straight when you are sitting. Somehow when you check your own body like running it through a program, your body will start to relax itself.

Accepting and constantly checking your own state (body + mind), and at the pretext of accepting the content as what it is and going with its flow, then you are in the third feeling, experiencing.

Usually in this state, you will have judgments on the contents but your judgment won't linger long enough to trouble you, because you are already immediately moving past your judgment before it troubles your mind. But you know you have these judgments.

This is very interesting. You can even come to observe your own thoughts.

But what if the text itself is too hard to comprehend for you? Go with the flow, and then start over again. If you linger over a few of the words too much, you would bound to get stuck and thus miss out a lot of stuff.

In this state, I found that knowledge is absorbed relaxingly, and I don't have overacted judgments and at the same the content sticks on my mind!!

Try it and tell me how you feel!

-

一丁點的接受；一小步的超越

2010-11-08T00:18:00.006+08:00

什麼時候，有些東西的某個部份好像被超越了。

可是超越了不代表你離開抑或拋棄。超越和脫離是同一個意思，可是卻不代表離開。

就像自由一樣，只要你還在活著，你就沒有所謂的全面實踐上的自由。你有的只是從一個框架里超越的自由。在這個意義上，你只是在超越，在脫離，而不是離開，拋開。

這幾天的經歷對我來說無比重要。它讓我開始體驗什麽叫超越愛。

愛，一直是我的最重最大的負擔。因為對我來說‘愛’這個字包涵了‘負責’與‘擁有’的意義。這裡的愛，包掛了對家人，對朋友，對女友，以及對親人。老媽的一言一語是如此的影響我；女友的一顰一笑是如何的令我茶飯不思。一直以來，一直一直如此。

這幾天來，有一點點改變。

我得道的路程上，一直以來都有一個中心，十分重要的概念：接受。

要看清楚什麽是根，你就必須接受。你和老媽吵架，很多時候都是因為你們在吵著一些你們兩個都不能接受的事情，而在這個根本上，逐漸演變成你無法接受你老媽，甚至你連自己的某個部份也無法接受。

當東西去到那種level，你就很難瞭解及看到根源在哪裡。可是，當你開始接受，那就開始變了。

一直以來得道的路上，我接受了很多事情。但有幾樣是沒有接受的。一個是老媽，另一個是自己對女友的無能為力。

知道和接受是完完全全不一樣的。

知道外面在下雨和接受外面在下雨，這兩種心情截然不同。如果你只是知道外面在下雨，你很有可能會在很多層面上開始討厭下雨（在這裡也可以喻為喜歡下雨），從而下雨就影響了你。可是你如果接受天在下雨，你的心情則很自然，下雨就下吧。當你接受了，你就move forward了。你開始看到new possibilites, 開始注意到周圍的細節。

接受我老媽，這發生在幾天前。接受我對女友的無能為力，這個則在半小時多前。

有東西開始蠢蠢欲動。開始有某些東西的一部份在被超越著。

我發現，當我接受了我老媽就是如此的時候，我不再唉聲歎氣。我反而可以聽到老媽講話，第一次那麼的清晰。我聽到了她的心聲，她的痛苦，她的期許。這很重要，更重要的是，我聽到了自己。我無助的感覺第一次那麼完整的在全身體現了出來，不是被壓抑的。

我接受了我與女友之間的遠距離確實讓我自己十分無能為力。就這麼一個小小差別，那種鬱鬱寡歡變成了一種完整的不舒服。一種沒有壓抑的不舒服，然後，好像自己可以放開了很多。

這也是我的道路。我不相信躲在山中的得道，因為那是逃離，但很多根源上的其實還在，而這些，在日常生活中，與親人朋友交流，在這種得得失失中，接受后，體驗后，得道后，這種得道才是完整的。

我不知道這種情形會進行多久。因為接受了兩個對我來說一直都是十分關鍵性的事情，所以也開始看到了許多自己一直以來都看不到的，許多許多自己束縛自己的conditioning.

然後想起了遠藤師範所說過的一段話：-

There is no such thing as a freedom just like that.

It is an aim to become free.

Freedom is often referred to as being free of something.

But that kind of freedom, to be free, for example, of a duty, or a person, is not real freedom.

So what is? That is an important question.

It certainly is nothing you get just like that.

There is no easy-going freedom.

I think, in order to become free, you have to restrict yourself at first to a very unfree form. By practising within that form, you will learn to be free.

Step by step, you practice within a restriction. But in the course of the repetition, within that restriction, it may happen, that the restriction rids you off itself.

And the whole practice becomes egoless, light, and free. Practising a form thoroughly will, at some point, rid you off the form.

To reach that stage in a practice means that, to have acquired freedom, but within a form.

這個旅途還在走著。有一天，凡所有相，皆是虛妄。若見諸相非相，即見如來。諸相非相，那就是接受了，任何思緒也沒了，也就是超越了人，可是還是有人的身體，那，就是人生中可以得到最大的自由啊。過後，到了要死的時候，那就是完完整整的自由了。

修行進行中。這幾天的若有所獲，都是基於接受與超越。思緒的消失，不代表離開。這個經歷，十分十分的重要啊。

-

Something...

2010-11-02T17:58:00.003+08:00

I guess the time has finally come for another change which surfaces itself out of nowhere.

I feel that something of my spiritual experience is at the beginning of fusing with my daily activities, including work.

I will go into silence from this point. Not all silence, but silence whenever I can, so that I can observe, even more.

-

讀爛經二之 "Only learning is possible"

2010-10-29T17:53:00.003+08:00

越讀越爛，還是越來越讀爛，讀家自己心知肚明。

本人好像沒有什麽心做事，暫時再次進入《道德經》好好地亂講一通，應該胡掰一通后等下就比較有心情做事吧。

嗯嗯。。。道德經第二章如下：-

天下皆知美之為美，斯惡矣；皆知善之為善，斯不善已。故有無相生，難易相成，長短相形，高下相傾，音聲相和，前後相隨。是以聖人處無為之事，行不言之教。萬物作焉而不辭。生而不有，為而不恃，功成而弗居。夫唯弗居，是以不去。

之前提過，讀經文，讀書，做運動，唱歌，站立，全都要一氣呵成，不要太執著於每一個小動作。執著了，就失去了這一個moment的觸覺。如果做完了覺得很多都不會或感覺不好，從頭再來一次吧。=)

天下皆知美之為美，斯惡矣；天下這裡指的，是所有人。如果以globalized的角度來看，指的，yes，當然包掛紅毛（閩南語里稱呼白種外國人的詞彙）。天下人所知道的美以及一切與美有關係的任何事情與物，這基本上是一種不對的concept，一種不良的態度。呃，如果說這是不對不良態度的，好像不太符合老子的思想。其實他要說的是，這種審美，帶來的是一種惡性循環。因為每個人對美的角度看法都不同，而這些不同的尺度都無法比較。所以當天下人都把什麽是美的，什麽是醜的拿出來評論的時候，紛爭也容易產生，而最最最最最重要的，應該就是，大家已經完完全全根本性的不再看那個事物了。

打個比方，大家來說說周迅漂不漂亮吧。我就說她小巧玲瓏，可是可能某個網友會說她乾癟無胸，那你說誰對誰錯？說白了，都錯。周迅生成這個樣子，根本就是自然界里最自然不過的一件芝麻小事。當你在評頭論足時，你我口裡說的周迅，已經不是周迅了，而是你我在腦海里幻想出來的AV女優抑或是完美情人。我們都偏離了。周迅，只是一個名字。也只有有周迅在的場合，你與她交流，那個moment才是真的。名可名，非常名。過了就過了。說不定她現在隆了胸，你說是不是？

所以說，文字是用來記載的。記載，說明確了，都是過去式。現在式的，都不是用言語來看，聽或感受的。

皆知善之為善，斯不善已…嗯嗯，與上述一樣。天下人所說的善，你說得出來，你定義得出來，那就不是善了。你說殺人放火不對，那如果你殺的是一個一直在天臺山不停用槍狙擊人的瘋人，那你不是不善啊。什麽是善呢？

老子闡述了人類腦部里遮掩自己與真實世界的最最fundamental的一件事，就是比較。英文叫做scale。我們在進入了‘有’的世界后，第一個犯得最關鍵的錯誤就是定義，然後比較。這個關鍵，讓我們再也看不清真實的事與物。最關鍵的也是，這些尺度，連在你自己身上也不是永遠是那樣的。年輕的時候比較喜歡女老師，老了比較喜歡美少女，你說，你自己的尺度還不是一樣改變了那麼多？

生活在這些定義里，造成一件簡單不過的事情，就是你一直在一個圈子里，一直不停的loop。這個loop會嚴重到你可能有一天會停下腳步，想一想，我怎麼找不到自己了？

那我問你，自己，又是什麽呢？什麼時候，你突然察覺，咦，要怎樣才是做回自己？

這個答案，永遠沒有答案。這個世界上，根本沒有自己。你的‘自己’，是你自己在自己一切的觀念啦，scale啊，邏輯上建立出來的。想一想。

有一些瞭解這一段后，我們進入“故有無相生，難易相成，長短相形，高下相傾，音聲相和，前後相隨。”

在瞭解了人腦里scale這個最基本的騷擾因素后，你就可以察覺，就是因為如此，所以你開始有了以下的概念：-

(1) 有和無，是不一樣的，如果有，就不是無，如果無，就不會有；

(2) 每件事情，都有困難的，也有容易的；

(3) 有的人很長，有的人很短；

(4) 有的人的女友比他高，有的人的女友比他矮；

(5) 有的音樂和另一個聲可以配合，有的卻不能；

(6) 有的人在我前面，有的在我後面，有時候還可以在上面，有時候卻在下面；

所以如果你用心去觀察，你會發現，這些scales，充斥著你的生活，讓你永遠看不清事物。

那麼得道的人又是處於什麽境界呢？

是以聖人處無為之事，行不言之教！

聖人泛指得道的人。所謂得道不是成仙。得道就是活得真，活在現實生活中。很多人認為這是消極的，那容許我慢慢嘗試解釋吧。

在這種境界生活，你做的事，是無為之事。Mind this，你還在做事。你不是什麽都不做，頹廢。頹廢，是頹廢。無為之事，是無為之事。兩碼事。

行無為之事，我還沒有看到之前，也覺得這句話很玄。我儘量以我的經歷來闡述吧。

有一個殺人犯，他用了長刀殺了很多人，而他現在向你走來，站在了你面前。你周圍都是空的，就是說，你沒有任何東西可以阻礙他向前。而殺人犯也異常冷靜。你向後退兩步，他也自然的向前兩步。他在伺機出手。你知道他不會手軟，而且好像也很冷靜，要是斬了下來，你一定會死。你跑，很有可能他會在後面把刀拋過來傷你。你好像沒有什麽選擇，因為周圍的人都死了。你如果一分心拿電話，以這個距離，他隨時可以立刻趁機把你劈成兩半。

你應該怎麼逃脫？

只有等。等他出手的時候，閃過他，然後逃走，或是把他制服。我們這個時候，只專注討論怎麼閃開他的攻擊，且不說怎麼制服他。

這個時候，你需要的不是分析他如何攻擊你。而是放鬆心情，把腦海的一切都拋開，處於最真實的境界，就是在這一個moment，或是‘無’。

因為，如果你分析，你的動作會因此慢了一步，而對方可以抓住那一瞬間把你劈死。

你如果太快，在他還沒出刀時就行動，他的刀會自然地劈向你下一個位置。

真正的moment是，等到對方出手了，而刀也開始斬下的那一瞬間，你閃開。他的刀已開始斬下，在這個時候你閃開，他也沒有時間應變你轉變的方向。就這樣，你可以輕易地，自然地閃避那致命的一擊。

這一個瞬間，看起來容易，卻非常不容易。因為你閃開這一擊的時候，你不是刻意的。你是自然的。你是無為的。

是的，你是無為的。可是你有在頹廢，什麽都不做嗎？沒有。你在做這事啊。可是你又是無為的。就是這種狀態。

所以說，沒有任何武術是比其他武術好的。你可以學兩萬招，可以很厲害，可是，如果你連這一個小小的瞬間都無法自然，你一樣會被人家幹掉。

唱歌也一樣。刻意拉開喉嚨，刻意壓抑聲音製造感情，這些不自然的唱歌，永遠不會到達那種令人感動的境界。其實，什麽事情都一樣。什麼東西要做到最高的那一個境界，就是要進入‘無’。種花，泡茶，拳擊，都一樣。有哪一拳擊高手的手是緊繃著出招的？有的話，請告訴我。我說你厲害，還會考慮頒獎狀給你留念。

可是，無為還有放鬆這兩個境界，很容易被人誤以為是頹廢。放鬆也一樣。叫你放鬆身子，不是叫你整個軟癱在地上。什麽是放鬆的站著？就是背部自然的挺起的狀態下站著啊！所以，應該在放鬆前加上‘自然地’。是Naturally relaxed. 不是軟癱。

所以，得道的人沒在做事嗎？有啊！他也可以上班，工作，娶妻生子。在做這些事情時，他是無為的，就因為無為，所以每一個moment他都充分的感受，活著。有些人叫這個‘活在當下’。而往往這些人都很真實。她不開心想哭，會即刻就哭。不喜歡你，即刻表露出來。他們不會有長久的怨恨，因為反正即刻釋放出來了，怎麼會累積呢？這種狀態，基本上和喝了酒的人沒什麼分別。所以往往得道的人，我們都稱他們為‘真人’，而往往他們身邊都有一壺酒。因為有沒有酒，都沒分別，他們都那麼真實了。他們不會爲了應酬而笑。因為這樣笑，臉會很酸，很不自然。他們的笑，會感染你，讓你知道他是真的在笑。

而如果你注意到的話，那些超級成功的人，往往都很真實，也不會奸詐地耍虛招。看看Bill Gates。再看看Einstein。往往超級成功的商人會和你說，要誠實。說的就是，無為啊。

那什麽是“行不言之教”呢？不言，就是不說話。你有沒有發現，教導是不可能的，只有學習是可能的。Teaching is impossible, only learning is possible. 我不是在亂亂講。當我要教你一些事情，當我開始講的時候，言語已經讓我要教的偏離了。最好的教學，是不說話，就做給你看，然後你自己也做。自己體驗。這樣，學習才叫進行了。而且，不言之教也有另一個潛在含義，就是，如果一個人不放下，你怎麼教，他都不會學，也學不到。只有你真正攤開心胸，放下身段，拋開定義，那才有可能學習。

爲什麽老人最頑固？不是因為他們是老人，而是因為幾十年來的定義、邏輯讓他們完全失真了。他們的腦不再能夠接受新事物，不是因為他們退化，而是因為他們的杯都被自我(ego)填滿了。要真正學習，就要無為，就要無我。這樣，也才能接受，才能看到真實的。

所以第二章以“萬物作焉而不辭。生而不有，為而不恃，功成而弗居。夫唯弗居，是以不去。”總結。十分完美。

老子聰明的用‘萬物’兩字。萬物，這裡泛指畜生，植物等等。要記得，有為萬物之母，在前一章提過。世界上一切生物、非生物等等，主要：-

(1) 生產了(give birth to)了而不會想過擁有；

(2) 做一件事時就在做，這裡說的就是無為；

(3) 東西做成了(在這裡，也可以解成做不成)，不會dwell over it，做過了就過了，不會停留回顧自己有多厲害或是多失敗；

夫唯弗居，是以不去！！！

如果你認為只要不去dwell over it，不去停留回顧為目標去對待事與物而履行無為，那我告訴你，你反而會停滯不前，也不會因此而無為的！

爲什麽呢？因為刻意去‘無為’本身已經是‘有為’了啊！！很多人把這一句譯為如果不dwell over it，你做的就是永恆的。我覺得，從我的經驗來說，好像不太對勁。

‘不去’兩字確實指的是‘will not be rid of’的意思。

所以我本身認為老子是要提醒弟子們，不要刻意去無為，因為如果你這樣的話，you’ll never get rid of the things you want to rid off.

很簡單，你告訴自己要無為的去愛你的女人，那嘗試想想，如果你那樣做的話，你其實已經saturate yourself with the thought of 無為的去愛。在這個狀態下，你肯定也是和現實脫節，也不是活在那一個moment的，也肯定不是在無為的愛。那只是有為的無為啊！!

讀爛經一之 “玄的好像不是很玄”

2010-10-29T04:15:00.001+08:00

開始不同的生活以後，心境上的改變卻鮮少去真正探討，除了最近半夜睡覺之外，好像很多事情都在進行。書籍上的攝取依然如此少。幹。

冰冷的寒風吹襲中好像確實比較難起身。最近發現，早上早起確實能解決許多事情。自己好像卻一直難以維持這個習慣。太遲起身，好多事情都辦不成啊。現在嘗試睡覺，精神卻奕奕，算了，上來這裡說幾句廢話吧。

昨天Gilbert搬出了老子的《道德經》與我討論。雖說自己好像一直來都在裝飽讀詩書的樣子，可是確實《道德經》卻沒接觸過，除了自己之前quote得非常爽的“道可道，非常道；名可名，非常名”之外。

所以自己就樂意的扮起了翻譯者的身份，以自己的道來分析老子的絕作，然後發現，老子委實不簡單啊。他的道德經指引的是一條道路，一條從簡入繁的境界。不知道，有多少人真正被他啓發了呢？還是大家都在讀一些狗屁不如的翻譯？說真的，自己上網找了，真的很多狗屁翻譯。

我以自己的經驗嘗試開啟另一條屬於自己所瞭解的《道德經》吧。我的Version只供你們借鑒參考，請別當真。一切都是虛假的，只有你自己體驗的才是真的啊。

我們從第一章開始：

道可道，非常道。名可名，非常名。無名天地之始。有名萬物之母。故常無欲以觀其妙。常有欲以觀其徼。此兩者同出而異名，同謂之玄。玄之又玄，眾妙之門。

嗯，第一章就到此為止。咱們慢慢來吧。

我本身覺得，讀道德經要持有的是一種聽音樂的方式。太過執著於一字一句，反而會失真，會讓你偏離。大家應該也試過，讀書讀到這麼執著，沒兩下子就累了。很多時候，就算讀到了大學，還是掌握不了那種心情與讀的字句並行的感覺。要不太快，變成了理解不能的境界。要不太慢，字字斟酌，身心都疲累。學了合氣道后，發現讀書應該自然，就像聽音樂一樣。如果太執著於每個音符，你聽的不是歌，而是一個個完全獨立的音。一首歌是沒有執著的。嗯，學習，讀書，連最簡單的站立也應該是這樣的吧。這樣的話，自然有一種得心應手的感覺充斥身心。

那如果執著了怎麼辦！！沒關係，再次聽過整首歌吧。想一想。有沒有一樣事情是單獨存在的，包掛字句、音符還有公程式？

道可道，非常道；名可名，非常名。。。老子在嘗試說的是一種感覺。他把自己的心情還有一切一切體驗，說成了是“道”，這個說法很好。道，就是一條路，一條屬於自己的路。在這條路上，只有體驗，只有感受，沒有什麽邏輯，沒有什麽可以遺留的。走過的就過了，未來的還沒到，這就是最真實的啊。什麽是過去？什麽是未來？如果你執著于這些，自然而然的你就停下了腳步，不再與真實的世界接軌。道可道，非常道；如果我可以把我的經驗還有一切感覺完全定義出來，給你跟隨，這就不是道了啊。如果你完全跟隨另一個人給你的一套，你怎麼可以說是在這條路上呢？大家的路，都無法變成一套可以讓另一個人完全跟隨的路，所以就算被複製，也不可行。

瞭解了這個，原來，人與人之間，唯一能夠發生的只有分享。我把我的感受說出來，可是這只是我的感受。就算在某個部份上你有共鳴，你的感受也與我不同啊。我覺得，這就是尊重的根源吧。當人類第一次開始以文字交流時，大家都意識到這個矛盾吧。只是，人類開始給東西上標籤之後，就開始設定了模式。這個模式，造成了一切所有的痛苦。

所以，老子說了另一個根本的，就是：名可名，非常名。

一切你可以給予名字的，如果你執著於那個名字，那，很遺憾的，那個你叫的名字，就不是你所指的事物了。好像很玄，其實不是。把一切你腦中的標籤拋出來吧。好！就說“晚餐”這個詞。你一看到這個詞，你想到了剛才吃了什麽吧！！可是，那個已經過去了，那接下來什麽是晚餐呢？

大家很喜歡說，喂，小明好笨。可是，很遺憾的，他們所說的已經不是這一個moment的小明了。他們說著的是，在某個時候的小明。

當你開始以標籤來認知這個世界的時候，所有的事情都失真了。I am serious. 你在做的，無謂是一直在自己的思緒還有標籤里生活。你根本不會發現在電車裡，坐在自己旁邊的到底是男是女。連你剛才去餐廳吃飯時坐在你對面的陌生人，你也根本沒察覺過吧。旁邊的樹是否枯萎了？當你標籤一切，你註定就和現實世界脫節。你就像一個執著追逐每個音符的聽者，你連那是什麽歌都失去了感覺。而且你的反應也愈變愈遲鈍了，直到有一天，咦！！怎麼那個時候沒注意到！！可是太遲了，那個瞬間(moment)已經過去了。在這種世界里生活，只有過去式，永遠不會有現在式。

無名天地之始，有名萬物之母，那又是搞什麽玄呢？其實就想闡述之前的基本。在天地運作的時候，人類還沒開始給任何東西上標籤的時候，在這種狀態下生活，永遠在現代式里生活，這種狀態可以暫時叫做“無”。你的世界就是在這個時候架構起來的。所以老子說，在無的時候，也是天地(或可說宇宙)開始的時候。我覺得老子不在說著科學。他在說著的是你的世界架構起來的過程，好像和光速沒什麼關係，所以請別誤會。

那，當你開始給東西命名的時候，那萬物就產生了。老虎啦，老鼠啦，不再傻傻分不清楚了。這種上了標籤的世界觀，不是intuitive的。這個世界，姑且叫做“有”。

故常無欲以觀其妙。常有欲以觀其徼。

所以沒有上標籤，一切都是現在式的世界，這種狀態下生活，什麽都那麼容易滿足，因為都已經足夠啦，也沒有什麽未來和過去。餓了就吃，冷了就穿，不會覺得身邊沒有剃陰毛的女人醜怪，大家都很自然，這種境界里，就一個字：妙！！

常有欲以觀其徼，徼一字說的是運行的規律，方式。所以在“有”的世界里，你開始捕捉到了一些事物運作的原理。水，是從高山往下流的。這個，只有在“有”了之後，才可以體驗。老子應該在嘗試闡述最原始，最初始的“有”，好像和我們複雜的辯論邏輯沒有什麽關係。是看出來一種純粹的標籤與標籤間最簡單的關係，類似Inception里第一層夢。第二層的，應該就是，標籤A里的標籤B與標籤C里的標籤D的關係，那個太複雜了。因為這個process無窮無盡。舉例，水(標籤A)的礦物質(標籤B)在煮熱(標籤C)後會消失(標籤D)。當然，如果你瞭解了老子最原始的含義，你可以任意的去玩弄這些標籤們。請便！！我呢，比較喜歡直截了當的解釋。

此兩者同出而異名，同謂之玄。玄之又玄，眾妙之門。

Yes, this is what I had been talking about!! 有和無，指的都是用一樣事物啊！！上了標籤的東西，和還沒上標籤的同一個東西 (這裡指的真是那一個東西，而非類似那個東西的另一個東西)，兩者都是一樣的，不是嗎？？老子嘗試告訴我們，這個就是最基本，最fundamental的啊。同謂之玄，這兩個最基本的，也就是一樣的，這種理解不能的東西，你能說不玄嗎？

如果你能夠體驗到，那你就開始進入了眾妙之門。你開始可以真實體驗真實的世界了。恭喜你，你開了那扇門。

好了，到此為止。。。有心情，有時間，有緣分，就會開始第二章吧！晚安！！

一路走來

2010-10-26T03:29:00.001+08:00

來了香港這麼多年，委實難說有學到什麼東西，除了一直不斷被打擊的信心以外。如此說似乎不太清楚，也有點指責的味道。倒不如說，實在的看清了自己。

我的人，一直都不知道自己常常會哄自己。哄久了，就成了習慣；習慣了，就不再看清事實。內心的這一種以謊言架構起來的世界，一開始說說騙話還說會臉紅，日子久了却是麻木了。人活在這種世界里，什麽都不是真的。什麼東西都會拿出來說一輪，批評一下，儘量地給自己面子上糊，希望自己不再看清在發生的一切。久而久之，就真的看不清了。

在看不清的世界里，這個世界自己確實陷了非常的深。深得可怕。深得摸不著底。

當然偶爾會回過神來。這些時候都標上了異常痛苦這個字樣。對自己安慰說，現實是殘酷的。看到了自己的無能；發現自己撒謊說自己多厲害過頭了；沒做過的事情都說做了；沒體驗過的胡捏了一大堆故事填補；想過的居然變成做過了；想要追求的，沒了志氣，卻一直對自己說不要放棄，其實自己根本不想再追求那一個了，卻害怕外界覺得自己懦弱，所以死撐。

什麼時候變得如此荒謬，如此愧對自己都不如的境界？

沉迷網上世界，不想讀書，自嘲的時候以為自己看開了，其實還不是在表演，如果沒了觀眾還會自嘲，那才是發自內心的自嘲吧。

什麼時候看東西都模糊了。周圍的事物都那麼的一成不變，醒來第一眼想看到的不是桌子上，地上，或是櫃子上的，而是網上所變化的。似乎網上的世界一直在變化，自己周圍的都不在變。什麼時候突然發現原來遺忘了多年前自己擺在某一個角落的東西。連回憶都模糊了。什麽都那麼的不實在，實在的是自己頹廢的時候。

什麼時候覺得周圍和自己一起混的朋友都那麼虛假。大家都在做戲，做一場不斷騙自己的同時也騙周圍的人的戲；潛意識的知道對方誇張或嬌柔做作，遂而自己也不由自主的加入這個無止無盡的謊言。什麼時候這些謊言讓自己的臉笑得酸了，也不覺得自己在捏造表情。什麼時候，騙自己太久了，忘了這是一個騙局的時候，覺得自己有點有心無力，什麽都做不下去的感覺。

什麼時候酒精開始是真理，醉醺醺的時候自己不會掩飾，得到了那一瞬間的暢快而沉迷。什麼時候，一段時間過去了以後，有一些些失落卻無助的孤單。

試過有人在面前走過，雖然認識，卻不想打招呼。不想打招呼算了，心裡面居然還有一些理由，去解釋自己爲什麽不打招呼。簡單的事情，被理由污染了。

一切的一切，令到自己的腦部十分嘈雜。就像每時每刻都有電臺在播放的狀態。

幻滅的夢想；時時都達不到的目標；想掩飾卻找不到理由時的尷尬；感覺自己周圍像一片死泥，一個冬天過了另一個來的時候居然如此相像，同樣的都令自己不滿意。

什麼時候，什麼東西都會有怨言。

什麼時候，什麼東西都有爲什麽，什麼東西都有理由。

什麼時候，有些原則變得無法挑戰，脾氣變得如此暴躁不安。

什麼時候變得不想起身，不想幹活，不想吃飯，不想睡覺，不想走路，不想洗澡。

什麼時候變得需要那麼大，那麼多的動力去把這一切堆積起來的架構世界推動，需要什麽不斷的努力啊，永不放棄啊，死拼到底啊。

什麼時候自己的世界越變越狹窄；什麼時候要學一樣事情變成了那麼困難。

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自己拼命地在想脫離這個惡性的循環。有時候有一種感覺，好像什麼東西在哪裡會隨時把這一點點認知自己狀態的能力都吞噬。

這種拼命，在我讀研第一年中段期開始。此時，亦是自己在香港的第四年。這個時候，在那種世界生活的自己，理所當然的，迎接了再次來臨的地獄。當然，就是感情。

可是這段感情，說實在的，不是愛情，而是一種佔有欲，一種霸佔欲，一場男人經常叫做戰場的東西。這段時期，所幸自己擁有一班非比尋常的好朋友。他們沒有叫我放下離開。他們叫我完全擁抱黑暗，完全體驗黑暗。

所以我義無反顧。我沉淪，我情緒澎拜，我失落異常，我喪心狂亂。

這種極端的世界，從一個旁人的角度看來，一定無法維持多久。那個時候的自己，感覺好像過了好幾年。三個月，確實像是過了三年。

可是，過了就過了。沒有海闊天空，迎來的不是什麽光芒，而是一種奇怪的境界。好像開始可以看到了什麽。

也因為如此看真了自己現在的女友，相較的看真了。好像從一個frame進入了另一個frame，雖然周圍的世界是一樣的，可是好像又有什麽不一樣。

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這個時候，毅然決定要學合氣道。哪裡來的一股衝動，不知道。可是好像比較隨心所欲了，所以就做了。開始瞭解，很多東西都不需要理由。

合氣道帶來的是另一種境界。

合氣道講的不是擊敗對方，而是與對方交流。這是一種十分難以理解的事情。對方帶有攻擊性的意圖，我卻爲什麽要和他交流，而非打倒他？這種交流，講的不是動作，而是一種心情。

一開始學的時候，很緊張。連在一開始深呼吸的warm-up都似乎看不清老師在做些什麽。換言之，自己的世界還是與現實有差異的。這個差異還存在。

自己不太敢看大家。不太敢動手。不太敢問。不太敢與人交流。還有很多虛假的笑容，掩飾自己的不安。

可是逐漸的，許多事情開始變化了，在許多許多堂合氣道課后。

那種感覺和你上第一堂大學的課一樣。你永遠不會放鬆。可是過了一陣之後，你開始熟悉了周圍與人物，什麼時候開始比較敢向這裡那裡望望。就是這種狀態。可是，再過一段時間后，通常這種狀態就會消失，進入我之前所說的惡性循環里。所以又必須尋找新的世界，新的空間，找回類似的這種感覺。

奇怪的是，合氣道課里，這種感覺卻持之以恆。

主要原因在哪裡，我不清楚。可是總有越看越覺得許多東西還是不一樣的那種感覺吧。同一個技巧，在不同的時候，和不同的partner練，兩個人不同的心情下，都以層出不窮的形式出現。類似同樣的動作，卻實實在在的讓你知道它是不同的。分明是同一個人，可是你卻實實在在感覺到他此時此刻與之前不同。

開始有了一種視野，原來，沒有東西是一成不變的啊！一切東西包掛人與物，在每天每時每刻每秒，因為你的存在與他們/它們交流，所以都相對的在什麽微妙或巨大的層面上變化。

發現了今天早上桌子上多了一小片塵埃，哪裡飛來的。今天早上的桌子和睡覺前那一刻的桌子，有了分別。不止桌子。開始的，慢慢、慢慢擴大。

然後自己有幸去了瑞士參加學術研討會。這段期間我也到了瑞士的合氣道道場練武居住。在臨走前的星期五早晨有一個打坐，因為住在道場，所以也參與了。

打坐長達45分鐘（還是一個小時，我忘了）。可是途中師父趁大家在晃悠神遊的時候敲了一下小鍾。在這一刹那，我看到了。

我受了巨大的驚嚇，突然間在想的一些有的沒得都不見了。潛意識里也一片明朗。眼前突然開闊，世界光了起來。耳朵也異常聰明，遠方的小聲音也可以捕捉。這一個瞬間維持了多久，我忘了。可是，我實實在在的看到了什麽叫得道。一切自己架構的世界瞬間仿佛都透明了。一切周圍的現實，都那麼的清晰，那麼的自然。那種與一切一體的境界，就那麼的簡單。

過後自己嘈雜的世界又回來了。可是自己卻可以時不時短暫的進入這個境界。尤其是在合氣道的練習中，更發現了這種奧妙。

原來，在這種境界里，是沒有任何東西的。道家，還有武士們叫它‘無’。在這種境界里，每一個對方的動作都看得清清楚楚。沒有什麽分析，沒有什麽害怕。來了，就自然地閃，然後上前持續地與對方交流，直到對方自然的倒下。

這種精神上達到了無之後的合氣道，是那麼的自然得體。原來合氣就是如此。不只是我的氣與對方的氣合在一處，而是自己的氣與所有的氣合在一處，這包掛周圍的空氣，人物，地板與一切一切。

這條路，只有體驗才是一切。我走過的道路是我的，你的道路也自然是你的。只是，我內心實在感謝合氣道。有機會想讓更多的人可以接觸它，從而得到一些什麽。那是什麽，那也只有體驗的人自己知道。

道可道，非常道；名可名，非常名。

Morning Run

2010-10-07T08:27:00.002+08:00

Today marks the first morning run of mine in HKUST.

Seeing Shiau Aun ki siao in the morning; hallmates spending the whole night chit-chatting till first break of dawn; new friend running together on the track. Everything at the break of the daylight.

It feels really good. And super energetic. And I did achieve the state of Zen on and off during the run. Such a different feeling after all.

Experience says all.

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Some B.S. created along the path I tread

2010-09-24T23:42:00.002+08:00

Don't think of anything when you are in joy, go through the joy fully. Then you will truly be joyful.

Don't think of not doing anything when you are sad. Instead, be totally sad, go through it completely. Be yourself when people are around you, reply to them truthfully. If you don't want to speak, don't. If you cry, don't hide your tears. The sadness will just pass by, then you will truly transformed.

Analogy: Be like the rain. Keep raining, then when the rain is meant to stop it will. Then you will see the sunshine.

The same thing with anger. And also with all other emotions. Be totally true.

What is decision? Decision is something that just comes by, in accordance to the situations all around you, including your own feeling and mind and body. A good decision is something which follows that nature. A bad decision is something which is pre-planned forcibly and it turns out that you are just being mindful and expectant, thus defeat the purpose.

Don't decide that you want something. Accept the life you have, move with it in the best way of your nature, and then decide what you need when the next step demands of you.

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Partial Rotation

2010-08-22T12:43:00.002+08:00

I zazen just now and felt that part of my body is rotated, from the right to the left, and worse, it hangs there. But anyway it does not matter, just that it is part of the possible changes when I go into the void. I have a feeling that when I achieved full enlightenment, there will be nothing so-called rotation, floating or anything. Just nothing. And that's the time when I forget everything about 'me'.

Had that slight feeling during zazen and straight my body is disturbed. Now I can observe the little twitch in my body whenever I have something crossing my mind during zazen. This is indeed a great leap.

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The Beginning of Realization

2010-08-21T22:13:00.002+08:00

You think, therefore you are. That was thought as one of the 'fundamentals' of philosophy as laid out by Descrates. In fact, he is right. Everything you are, is what you conjured up in your mind. That's why there are so many people on this earth telling everybody that they can't find themselves. It's just impossible to find yourself bah, since your mind leads you here and there and everywhere while you are seeking.

Have you been seeing what you are seeing? Ask yourself that. Have you been doing something, or just trying to do something?

Why is it so hard for you to sleep? Are you really sleeping, or just trying to sleep? It is very different. If you are just trying to sleep, your mind is very noisy. You think of your lover, you think of your traumas today, you think of what you gonna do tomorrow. Man, you think of so many things, no wonder you can't sleep. You are just not sleeping.

Realize this, and you will realize your very mind is what separates you from reality and you. You are in the past, in the future, all the while, just not in the moment of 'now'. That's why your mind is so cloudy, your sight so murky, and you can't hear a lot of things. Your mind is so noisy that it deceives you of all things surrounding you through bending your perceptions.

Realize this, and something will start to transform in you.

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The Path to Peace

2010-07-16T12:05:00.003+08:00

In traditional Japanese Budo, one is taught to perform his/her duty to the very best, and then you will find peace. Reigning in the terror of Japanese imperialism in the past, we might think that idea is over and hotheaded and cruel, because it creates warriors who slain a lot of innocent people in the process. I would say that, it is the commander who did wrong. History is history, but at least the first ever samurai or bujutsuka who thought of this way to achieve peace is really someone who is very gifted in terms of meditation.

It is very important, that we do things that we should do to our very best. Not because we have to, but because only through that, we can achieve true peace.

The times that we are at unrest and trying to seek peace are usually after we did not complete something of our responsibility to our best.

No? Think deeper. You blamed the teacher for the bad grades, but did you study till your very last of your breath and determined to get a good grade? You blamed your project manager for the bad leadership and thus the bad outcome of your project, but honestly, did you do your best to alter the situation? You could have at least tried to communicate?

Everytime we are blaming people, it is because something didn't go where we expected it would be, and we are not at peace. When we are not, we try to seek an outlet, trying to blame someone else because we are damn sure we are not the one who is wrong.

Think again.

If you tried all your best to alter the situation, to communicate with your manager, to put efforts in uniting your teammates so that you can change the decision of your manager...every last bit of effort is paid till the end the results still maintain that way, I think, you are at peace though you still lose in the end. You attain peace through working out your best.

Then WZ and I start to question ourselves: Do we have to do every single thing that way? That is just impossible.

The answer is no. This is where the word 'role' hit in.

You do to your best in the role you play in, in order of importance. If you are a factory worker, do your best at the product you are producing. If you are a student, do your best at studying. If you are someone else's bf or gf, do your best at understanding your partner and aid him/her throughout his/her hardship. You are your parents' kid, so do your best to help your parents to relieve their burden.

And these are the roles we play in daily life. Have you done your share of work? If not, no wonder you are not feeling peaceful.

That's the major reason why a lot of true warriors fight to their very best, even at their last breath. They still fear death, but only when they fight to their best, then they find peace.

So why won't we do the same too? Think about what you can do. Then start doing it, at the very best of your effort and strive till the very end of your breath. Then I assure you, you on your path to peace.

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Worst thing that can ever happen

2010-06-22T22:39:00.001+08:00

What is the worst thing that can ever happen to a person or a team?

That reminds me of "Pride" which has one of this line:-

"A team which loses once will come up victorious next time. A team which loses twice will lose its pride, and a team who loses too much will not come up to the top ever again. Not because they don't want to, but rather the players themselves have the thing in their mind, which is that losing is not so important anymore. And that's the worst thing that can ever happen."

That's the worst ever that can happen. Be aware and we need to really move on from now on.

-

Training Journal 1: Balance of an Emotion

2010-04-23T11:24:00.003+08:00

In Aikido, one does not fend off an attack by applying more force. Because if you apply force onto force, you create more force. Rather, we use the force applied on you back to your enemy by redirecting it.

Everything in this world channels yin and yang energy. You can call that good or bad energy but calling it yin and yang stays you away from defining it as good or bad because in this world everything can be really grey. I think of all energy, love is the one which channels one of the world's strongest yin and yang energy combined.

It's the same thing with emotions. You feel hatred. You do not try to contain it, nor do you try to change it. It is just there, but you have to balance the yin and yang side of it. You might ask, what's the correct balance? How do I do it? I have no answer to you on that. It varies from people to people. It is your godsend gift if you can get yourself an insight on that and then take control of yourself. Do not try to make yourself feel better. When you do that during times like that, you give birth to another kind of emotion or feeling. Trying to change emotion gives birth to another emotion. The same analogy of trying to contain force gives birth to a stronger force. In the end you will have tonnes of emotions (or force) that overwhelm you.

I start to realize more of Buddha's teaching. You love, but you love peacefully. Or in another word, you love with your love balanced in your heart within your universe of periphery. You feel sad, but you feel sad peacefully. The feeling is still there but you are not shaken by it. You ride a boat in the midst of the stormy sea, but your boat stays peace and calm all the way.

Emotions like love, care and etc might look good on the outside but if you don't realize there's a yin part to it, you will be caught surprise by it and suffocates later. So it's not about how much you love somebody. It's about how much you love him/her while you maintain the yin and yang of your love at peace with each other. If one offsets the other, you will create hate, suffocation, doubt, question and all and all. I think that's why Christianity's theme of spreading love cannot quite get its devotees to be at peace with themselves bah. They don't have this concept. All they do is about love, love, love but that could be really dangerous. It will bring people to extremity.

Amitabha. Let us train together in this journey of life. I am contemplating on the word 'respect' these days (just fyi).

(p/s: The post consists both of an email and a comment combined)

-

Aikido Dojo Etiquette

2010-04-22T13:56:00.001+08:00

For your information, this is the etiquette of my dojo:-

Aikido Dojo Manner and Etiquette
1. Upon entering and leaving the dojo, always perform a standing bow toward
O'Sensei's portrait (Shomen).

2. Remove your shoes and place them neatly on the line of wall. This not only keeps
the dojo clean but it also symbolizes the dojo’s attitude.

3. When entering and leaving the mat area, always perform a seated or standing bow
facing Shomen.

4. Respect your training tools. Dogi should always be clean and in good repair. Out of
respect for your training partners, always wash your uniform after no more than two
training sessions.

5. Use good personal hygiene. Finger and toe nails should be trimmed short and kept
clean to avoid injury.

6. Do not be late for class. Getting on the mat after class has begun is disrespectful
to Sensei and is a disruption to your fellow students. Arrive at the dojo early enough
to change. Help with aligning and cleaning the mats. Use this time to warm up or
sit quietly in preparation for class. Do nothing to disturb others who are waiting for
class to begin.

7. Class opens and closes with a bowing ceremony and it is important for you to
participate. If you are unavoidably late for class, sit quietly in seiza, at the edge of
the mat, until Sensei gives you permission to join the class. When stepping onto the
mat perform a seated or standing bow facing Shomen. Do not disrupt the class
when entering the mat area. Walk behind and not in front of others who are sitting.

8. The proper way to sit on the mat is in seiza. If an injury prevents you from sitting in
seiza, you may sit cross-legged with your feet underneath. Never sit with your legs
outstretched or lean against walls and posts. You must remain alert and aware of your
surroundings at all times.

9. Do not leave the mat for any reason without first receiving Sensei's permission.

10. If you must leave the mat or have a question for Sensei regarding practice, go directly to him; never call Sensei over to you. Bow respectfully and wait for his acknowledgment.

11. While Sensei is demonstrating a technique, you should sit quietly and attentively in
seiza. After the demonstration, bow to Sensei, then bow to a partner, and begin
practice.

12. When Sensei signals the end of a technique or practice session, stop immediately,
bow to your partner, and line up with the other students.

13. When receiving personal instruction during class, sit attentively in seiza. Bow to
Sensei when he has finished.

14. If someone near you is receiving personal instruction from Sensei, you may stop
your practice and observe. Sit quietly in seiza and bow to Sensei when he has
finished.

15. Never stand around idly on the mat; you should be practicing or, if necessary,
attentively waiting your turn.

16. If you know the technique being studied and your training partner does not, you
may lead your partner through the technique but do not assume the role of the
instructor.

17. Your are here to practice Aikido as interpreted and taught by Nagai Sensei; do not
force your ideas on others. At the same time respect those who are more
experienced than you.

18. During class keep talking to a minimum and directly related to what you are
practicing.

19. It is everyone's responsibility to keep the dojo clean and in good repair. If you see
something that needs to be done, show initiative and do it. If you're not sure what to
do, alert a senior student to any need you may uncover. If you would like to
volunteer any personal skills that might be an asset to the dojo, please speak to a
senior student.

20. There is no eating, drinking, or gum chewing in the mat area.

21. In order to prevent injury or damage to personal property, no jewelry should be
worn during practice.

22. All cell phones and pagers should either be turned off or on silent as not to disrupt
class.

23. Visitors are always welcome to observe class but the following rules of etiquette
should be followed:
a. Sit quietly and respectfully.
b. Do not disturb anyone on the mat.
c. Do not talk or walk around while Sensei is demonstrating.
d. Do not eat, drink, or chew gum in the mat area. Do not smoke in the dojo.
e. Make sure all cellphones and pagers are either turned off or on silent.

25. All visitors should be treated as prospective students and training partners.
Everyone should make a concerted effort to make visitors, and new students as well,
feel welcome. If a visitor enters the dojo during practice, either excuse yourself from
class to greet them or alert a senior student who may not have seen them enter.

26. If you are unsure of what to do in a particular situation, ask a senior student or
simply follow their lead.

27. Most importantly, always have fun and enjoy your practice!

-

Ready for the Path

2010-04-07T00:30:00.004+08:00

Finally I'm set, with the correct mind and correct condition, to go into my long awaited mental and physical meditation. This would start effectively from tomorrow. How long would this take I don't really know, but I would be minimizing contact with the outer world so this mean that I would not sign in my msn, if I do, it would be 100% appearing offline. Guess would not blog so much as well, but would do so occasionally to update my situation to you guys.

Other than close friends in HK, any other people who want to see me are sincerely rejected here beforehand. If you see this, I hope you understand my situation now requires a still mind and peaceful environment. Would not attend any lunches or dinners unless they're crucial. Please do not call me unless it is necessary.

Thank you very much.

For the mind that wanders into the realm of stillness, I would project myself onto a path seeking both peaceful resolution and physical discipline.

Strength

2010-03-29T03:05:00.002+08:00

There's no true strength.

There're only roads, and your choice to keep walking on.

And now I am.

Real

2010-03-04T14:57:00.002+08:00

Recently I have something to say about the thing called 'reality'.

In fact I never felt so real in my life before like now I am. In the past, floating is the norm. Dreamy states are common. Now, things are solid and real. Even dreams are real. Tell me how different that is? I would tell ya, super duper different.

Or I would call this state: process things as they come by.

Maybe I will look more into this state of mine later on but at this moment, if you need any news, life is very good for me.

Back alive and kicking in HK

2010-02-27T13:05:00.003+08:00

Bought my first organizer today. Life is revolving around new meanings these days. It's no longer about shaking the legs and finding the hypes, but rather shouldering the burden and being an adult who lives life carrying out responsibilities and feeling peaceful at the same time.

Plans are starting to fill my schedule already too. A stable relationship at this age mean that I have to seriously set my head down on the road to career and family planning.

Reading a biography on Gandhi these few days. Love his definition of life is about action, both physically and mentally. At its core it's the willingness and natural instincts that lead these actions. A saint like Gandhi is always one I look up to. Chewing his words in my mind alone can make me feel extremely peaceful.

Okay now off to re-vent my room. Time to make my room the perfect place to work.

In KL

2010-02-19T19:22:00.002+08:00

And CNY's busiest season pass by just like that, in a blink of an eye. Now here I am, in KL for my two day visit.

Hopefully I can extract as much fun as possible out of these two days.

-

In Penang

2010-02-17T12:18:00.003+08:00

Old faces and renewed strength in Penang. What a joy in this Tiger-themed Chinese New Year.

I am always surprised by how you can find the strength in Penang. It might be the fengshui. It might be the people. It might even be the fleeting moment of feeling your old roots once again.

Well seriously I am thinking of altering the way things are arranged in that small room of mine in Hong Kong when I am back. At least for that the fengshui works. And might wanna add a portable lamp in Gok Ling's house too so that I can work there as well too.

Oh yeah...HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

-

The Imaginarium

2010-01-30T16:24:00.007+08:00

In Hong Kong, 2010 kicks off with the film "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus". A good start I would say. Heath Ledger's last seen footage saddened me as his bewildering acting and palette of emotions painted the hearts of the audiences, but Jude Law, Colin Farrell and Johnny Depp closed the deal in his stead. I like Depp a lot, and I recognized him straight when he pulled on his 'surprise' look. Still, Ledger performed the best nonetheless.

Dr. Parnassus would have fared way much better. He is a sacred man to start with, but he fell into an endless betting game with a Devil that lured him out of his cave. The Devil whispered: "So you're not a betting man, eh?" and Dr. Parnassus took the challenge, trying to prove what he believes in.

It turns out to be a wrong turn on the road. Dr. Parnassus could not differentiate his ideals from his desires anymore when he was granted immortality after winning the Devil. What follows is his endless betting game that goes ever on with the Devil, and in the end he lost his cool and wits.

"Don't give me choices anymore! I don't want to choose anymore!" Dr. Parnassus cried in despair, hugging the road sign pole in the middle of a snow swept mountain, on which written "To left - High Road"; "To right - Low Road". His tears streamed down his cheeks, and he knelt down, begging. His mind is lost in the imaginarium of desires and dreams.

His greed blinded him, and the thing that is noteworthy is, the greed is nothing but what we deem to be something small in our lives. The mere whim to win a bet; "love at first sight" fancy; the will to save your possession from being owned by others; the slim hope of trying to turn a promise around, you name it.

Once he purified people by telling them what their dreams are, and who they really are. He pointed out to them what is really there, and what actually are they dreaming. He walked them through his Imaginarium which the desires of the people entering there would be magnified in scales and beautified into fantasy. Slowly, Dr. Parnassus lost himself and when he can't see himself anymore, his desires slowly blind him and in the end he does not know what he did wrong anymore.

So what sealed his fate in the end? Seek the answer in your nearby cinemas. You wouldn't want to miss this show. Avatar might teach you a little philosophy in its course but "Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" took you through the journey of finding answers to questions we always ask in life. "What does choices really mean?"; "What it means to make a choice?" and you might find the portrayal of the different forms of greed which exists in our everyday life both surprising and astonishingly terrifying.

So, when is the last time you really look at yourself and your surrounding while identifying 'what is' and 'what should be'? Try this movie and find out for yourself. And let Heath Ledger amaze you again with his convincing performance. He was a genius too young to die.

(Photo courtesy of the article "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus" from Wikipedia)

"I am", I said - Neil Diamond

2009-12-26T03:16:00.001+08:00

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is 'lay back'
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin' about
Making my way back

Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried, but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

What it really means to give...

2009-12-05T11:56:00.001+08:00

After a nice and long talk with Shiaun, finally I get down to earth, and it's the first time I feel solid. And Xinch is right too, all the while. The moment you can give yourself fully in a relationship is the moment you are contented with yourself.

Because I am not doing what I am doing, then it turns out I am not giving myself.

Because I think about learning more about the other person and what I can do for her, I lost myself, and when you are lost, you are already in your own world. You don't go around giving what people want, it's just about giving it when you are giving it. Shiaun has a perfect example for this. It's like, I have a lot a lot of sweets, but if they are not with me now, I can't even give you one. That means, if I go around hunting for what the other needs in her life, in the end I will just end up not giving my all. I will just end up giving sweets while she needs chocolate, because the desire of her for sweets already 'expire'.

So what I can do? It's not about what I can do for her actually, now to think of it. It's about me settling my own feelings down, be calm, be contented, and go on with the flow of life and love. I think it's when you are going with the flow of the mixture of feelings and love and life, then when it's time to give sweets then you can give them. If you cannot, then so be it.

Another catch of it is that it's about faith. We don't go tell our mums that, hey, don't do that...if not, I'm not going to acknowledge you as my mum. That's why bah. I don't go around judging my own feelings for her whether it is right or wrong or whatsoever. It's just as easy as she's really really important to me and I want her in my life. That's how easy the faith should go, and I practically don't have to do anything 'extra'. Of course there will be efforts, there will be emotions, but the feeling of losing it doesn't matter anymore. Because in the end she is still the person who is important to me, even she leaves me, she's still important. That's the catch of it bah, and with that, I don't think being in your own world matters anymore. With that, somehow you will just walk towards each other, naturally.

So, the answer to 'What it means to really give in a relationship?' is just like the following for me: Be contented with your own feelings; Believe in the importance of her in my life; Always be conscious of the surrounding situations; and finally, go with the flow.

And I think I am on it now, finally. The time is ripe for me to settle down my feelings, and you are not wrong to think that, yea, finally I understand love more.

Uchimaki Ryushi

2009-11-03T17:12:00.002+08:00

After the death of old me, I am reborn as Uchimaki Ryushi now.

Hence a new chapter unveiled...

2009-11-02T17:00:00.003+08:00

This not a defeat I am talking about. This is a new leaf, a new chapter. I've finally come to admit that I am but a more than normal person, trying his best to discern the physical phenomena that never stop to awe me.

From today onwards, clarity is what I seek. Calm in the search, with a clear mind and steady legs.

-

From Beijing with Love

2009-11-01T13:02:00.003+08:00

It's a good time to examine myself again. I found that I am lagging off in the mood of wanting to achieve something big the past month. But this trip to Beijing somehow brings me a message, a subtle one, but I sensed it in time, captured it, and played with it.

I think somehow I am not occupied by alot of things as alot of people and myself would have assumed. Of course there are tonnes of things piling up in front of me waiting for me to settle, but it's the mind that is clogged, not my schedule.

Although Beijing is heavily polluted, I think this trip somehow cleansed a big part of my clogged mind. It seems like, suddenly, I made it to the other side of the sea which I thought that I could not cross before. I am not easily tensed anymore, alot more calm and quit shaking my legs. I got heavily sick in Beijing, and spent most of the time drinking water and sleeping. I can get more focused and I somehow know that things come my way, no matter how difficult they are, I can tackle them with confidence.

It is something very utterly different comparing to my old confident self. And that's why I am writing this, to explore more about how it works.

I think the change has something to do with my illness, people I meet in Beijing, the experience I had, the food I eat, the conversations I had, the sms-es I received and everything else that might slip my mind.

It's inexplicable. Trust me it isn't. Somehow, things changed. My POV changed. I can settle more with myself than before, and I mean a lot more. Before it's the vibes, the adrenaline that push me. I am not saying now it isn't, but the chakra I feed on before suddenly grow a lot more than before. I am starting to feed on the natural energy around me now.

It's indeed very strange and it's a good change. Beijing, the city that changed me.

-

Off to Beijing

2009-10-25T15:26:00.003+08:00

Looks like it's been a long long time since I updated my blog. Not that I don't want to, but feel sien that's all.

Going Beijing tomorrow. Will be there for one week. Go there for competition so it's not a trip. Wish can win something back.

-

發語錄 1

2009-09-21T11:29:00.002+08:00

One of my very best friend and also my senior and also my mentor Ah Fatt always tell me great words that sometimes are just bullshit but sometimes they make so much sense that those particular words burn my heart. From now on, I shall jot down those words that burn me and fuel me to go on while those bullshit, well, just go eat grass la Ah Fatt!!

Ah Fatt (21.9.2009, Monday, Malaysia/HK time: 11.20 am), on tonnes of work that make people high, for e.g. "at least I don't have to worry that I will have nothing to do for the coming one month":-

"The most fun thing in this world would be to stand by the edge of the cliff, right? The next step, either you survive or you fall down. If you survive then there you are, still there, waiting anxiously for the next moment that you might fall down. But if you fall down, then bye bye lo, BUT at least, you still can enjoy the fleeting sensation of free falling."

Very sound advice. It made people high didn't it? Let us stand on the edge together from now on, everyday, enjoying the strong wind!! Man it makes me so high!

-

One of the Many Truths

2009-08-10T21:36:00.005+08:00

I spent my holidays doing some deep soul searching and I found some truths on my own path. I wouldn't say that they are those 'OMG' type of revelation or enlightenment, but I know that I am moving forward, and how far forward it is actually a relative scale. To some, it might sound like leaps and bounds; To some, it might be just those little stuff that you had already come across in the past.

To me, I am just inching forward but I am perfectly happy with my pace. I feel that I am at peace with myself. In the past when I drink beer my mind clouded me with sad and demotivating thoughts and despair in love affairs. These few days I found that when I drink I won't have those thoughts shadowing over me anymore, and I do not have very happy thoughts as well. I am just, me. Peacefully me.

One of the truths that I can put into words is: It's not what you do not know that obstructs you; It is what you think you know that will always be the biggest invisible obstructions.

I believe that would be one of the biggest thing I come to realize this summer. What we don't know, we can always learn. It is the already-built beliefs and 'knowledge' that are the toughest obstacles. You wouldn't skip school because you believe that teachers teach stuff that is not in the syllabus while you were gone. You constipate because you thought the bad toilet environment is affecting your bowel movements. You cannot work because you knew that the conflicting living habit with your roommate is taxing you so much that you feel so freaking tired.

All of these, aren't they something that you thought you knew?

Well I find myself to be able to work real hard even my roommate's conflicting living habit with me is taxing me harshly. Actually, all these while, it's about you yourself, not the others. It's you who reinstates the negative emotions generated in your own self which in turn brings out exactly the same repetitive 'bad ending' that you 'anticipated'. To find peace with others, first you have to dig inside your soul and find peace with yourself. Ask yourself why are you afraid of switching jobs? Ask yourself why are you afraid of confessing your love to the one you really like? Ask yourself why you are afraid of living in an environment that failed you before? Ask yourself why you are so afraid of standing up again to the challenges and instead choose to cry in the dark? Ask yourself why when woman is way older than the man in a relationship, you are scared that the relationship would look bad from the outside when they grow old together?

Is it really the faults of the environment? The people around you? Your family who put the pressure on you? Your friends who tell you that a personal toilet is the best solution to constipation? Or is it just you?

Ask yourself. And think again. The answer is in your soul. And yes this is not a line from the movies, now you should know after reading this post. Like what the Oracle told Neo when he first came into her room:-

Know Thyself.

-

Riddikulus!

2009-08-09T23:07:00.003+08:00

Days been hectic back in Hong Kong again, but not hectic because I got a lot of things to do, but rather that I have a lot to do but I can't put myself in a good shape and mood to execute them. Room sharing is really taxing, especially when you are doing a tough job that requires a lot of mental concentration and thus when your private space and life is fucked up by your roomie, possibility is high that you will start to feel that you are so easily worn out in a short period of time.

Sometimes when you feel so tired and just want the lights out, the wildman in your room will tell you: "I am sorry that I am sensitive to darkness." WTF? Are you fucking with me? I mean, this just doesn't make sense. But what else I can do? I am a person who will feel guilty if I happen to cause troubles to people. Meeting an insensitive and pukimak roomie will cause communication breakdown in the end, which is the situation I am experiencing now. I remember I can talk to this guy when I shared the same room with him back in year one summer but so much has changed since then. He even washes his legs and left the water basin there for days to weeks now. I tried to talk to him but he will repeat it after a few minutes or a few days. In the end I am so aggravated that I tried things like switching my desktop speakers on when he is talking loudly on the internet phone with his gf. And guess what? He asked me to lower the volume down! I did and later on I will increase the volume again.

Guess Naruto is right. Revenge will only backfire in another form. Soon after that we would even fight over little things like I would switch the ceiling light off while I walk out of the room with him switching it back on moments later for three to four hours straight. Oh yeah speaking of this, this guy will switch the fans off sometimes in the middle of the night. WTF??? It is a freaking hot summer now. I hate the way things became now but when I decided to end this in a peaceful manner, new scenarios happen. When I was back in Hong Kong less than a week ago, I found rubbish all over the place, and I even found an unfinished plum seed in my toiletries basket. Fuck you!

Suddenly I felt so tired of being a good guy anymore.

Now I am back from outside, feeling so tired and wanna rest my mind a while to give things a thought before I dive into work tomorrow, there he is talking with his gf loudly over internet phone.

I am not just tired. I think I give up on him. Whatever shit or racket he is going to make, let him be. I am going to move to my new room soon. I am crossing my fingers, counting days as the clock ticks slowly. Since when I am living with a boggart? Well honestly, I didn't realize it until now. Maybe what I need is just a wand and a shout of "Riddikulus!"

-

Back

2009-08-03T23:05:00.004+08:00

Days been really good for me in Penang. And as I was about to leave the place, a huge wave of heaviness took me over. I was rather surprised, as I usually am more enthusiastic about coming back to Hong Kong. Guess that a lot of things have changed deep down inside of me from this fruitful holiday.

I come to understand more about myself and more about life. And on the path I found a little confidence and faith in the path that is laid beyond.

Guess it's time.

-

Departure

2009-07-09T03:22:00.001+08:00

What's coming next? What's there ahead?

Nobody knows. Everything is uncertain. What we can do at our best is, focus.

For now, my focus is to relax. :P

-

Weaknesses and Acknowledgment

2009-06-28T20:23:00.004+08:00

Looking back, it's been too far a road for me. It's as if I am stretched over the few years in a tangled state of mind.

After so many years, now I come again to the same stage -- admitting my own weaknesses to myself. What exactly does pride mean? While I live in the so-called expectations of the many people surrounding me, I can't stop wondering, are the expectations really there?

Brian May does inspire me on this part. His song 'Too much love will kill you' definitely been ringing around my ears since Form 4, but the lyrics only come to senses lately. A great musician and a physicist, he did make alot of harsh choices laid down on him now and then. The death of Freddie Mercury, his divorce and I will surely bet, his pursue of a doctorate study degree. And then an email from Wei Zhi crossed my mind. I shall paste it here for your reference:-

問題一：如果你知道有一個女人懷孕了，她已經生了八個小孩，其中有三個耳朵聾、兩個眼睛瞎、一個智能不足，
而這女人自己又有梅毒，請問，你會建議她墮胎嗎？

[Translation:-
Question 1: You knew that a woman is pregnant, and she had already given birth to 8 children. Three of the children are deaf, two of them blind and one of them mentally impaired. And at the same time the woman is diagnosed with syphilis. Honestly, will you suggest to her that she should abort her baby?]

問題二：現在要選舉一名領袖，而你這一票很關鍵。
下面是關於這三位候選人的一些事實：

候選人A：
跟一些不誠實的政客有往來，而且會咨詢占星學家。他有婚外情，是一個老煙槍，每天喝8─10杯的馬丁尼。

候選人B：
他過去有兩次被解雇的記錄，睡覺睡到中午才起來，大學時吸過鴉片，而且每天傍晚會喝一夸特的威士忌。

候選人C：
他是一位受勛的戰爭英雄，素食主義者，不抽煙，只偶爾喝一點啤酒。從沒有發生過婚外情。

[Translation:-
Question 2: Your country needs a new leader. And it is made known to you that your vote will decide who is going to be the one. The following is the information gathered about the 3 candidates. Based on the information given, please make your wisest choice:-

Candidate A:
He is known to have stayed in touch with a few dishonest politicians, and he even consults astrologists. He had affairs with woman outside although he is already married. He is addicted to cigarette and consumes 8 to 10 shots of Martini daily.

Candidate B:
He had been fired twice. Everyday he sleeps until noon. He used to be an opium addict when he was studying in university, and he drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C:
He is an honored war hero. He is a vegetarian and he does not smoke. Sometimes he will only drink a little beer and that's all. He never cheated on his wife.]

So from the two questions above, please make your choice. Then the answers are revealed:-

Candidate A is Franklin Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler

Have you chosen Hitler over the other two for your own country? So now what is your answer for the pregnant woman?

If you said you would suggest to that woman that she should undergo abortion, then the truth is you would have killed Beethoven. That woman is the mother of Beethoven.

The email concludes that:-

所以不要用既定的價值觀來思考事物。

我抓過朋友手中的報紙，原來真是一個測驗題，題目是《你的決定滅了誰》。
重要的是，不是我們在哪，而是我們要往哪走......
如果你知道往哪走，并且相信自己，世界會為你開出一條路.......

人的一切一切未必在掌控之中～
人是個難以捉摸的東西，就連自己也是一樣

[Translation:-
So, the moral of the story, don't use the social norms and values to judge or think over things.

I grab the newspaper of my friend's, and the two questions are really there. The title of the quiz is called: "Who has been erased by your decisions?"
The issue is, it doesn't matter where we are. What matters is where we are heading.
If you know where you are headed and you believe in yourself, the world will give you a road.

There are a lot of things which are not within the bounds of control of man. Man functions like water. Their thoughts hardly have a shape and it's hard to figure out what's on their mind. Sometimes, we don't even know what we are thinking.]

It's really impossible to choose sometimes. Yes, it's sometimes even harder to live up to everyone's expectations because we ourselves are incapable at the time being. I understand, if I fail you, it's not because of you that I felt deeply despair. Rather, the despair comes from me myself who failed myself.

There are a lot of things that I had been running away from and I wanna run away from. But at this moment, I have the road ahead of them carved on my mind. I guess there's where the senses come into shape and the despair takes its form within the void. Today I understand something, even where there is a road, if one has doubts, he will not complete the journey.

We do not let bygones be bygones. We co-exist with them. By acknowledging them, I know that I am growing weaker and weaker daily. Weaker in the sense of getting stronger. From the two questions above, I understand now that those people do not try hard to earn expectations. I think that, the qualities of those who are really successful do not lie in how much stronger they want to get by each passing day. Rather, they are trying to struggle harder each day to find out what is getting them weaker each day.

Roosevelt experienced WWII in a very unique way. He saw the glory of US ascending in his previous terms, having the notion that US is working its way towards the strongest nation on earth while the image is shattered by the Japanese's swift attack on Pearl Harbor. What makes him a strong leader later on? Personally I think it's his acknowledgment of the incapability of US army and at the same time trying to find out the weaknesses that had been the blind spot of US. If one does ponder about the way US fought WWII, you would find how careful the strategies had been devised. That could not have been possible without a humble mind.

Churchill is probably the star figure of WWII, but we also know that the British had been fighting a losing war since the beginning. Who could have endured on under that kind of situation, especially if you are the leader? If Churchill had been an elite since young, a person who keeps achieving the highest grades in school and is clean of drugs and booze, I don't think he will survive even a month holding that post. His past gives him the perfect chemistry: He knows that he is not doing enough every day. And he knows that he will make mistakes now and then. Therefore he listens. Therefore he shows his true self when he is motivating his people, because he is not God. He is just a normal person like every one of them, and moreover he is conscious that he might not be as good as any one who is fighting under his command.

So what comes next? Yes you know what it is. Just do it.

-

You

2009-06-18T17:11:00.002+08:00

So who gets to decide what kinda feelings you should have at this very moment?
Answer: You

So who gets to decide who you are in love with?
Answer: You

So who gets to decide who is in love with you?
Answer: You

-

Whisper

2009-06-06T23:17:00.003+08:00

In the crowd of noise, I couldn't hear you. The only thing I can do is laugh.

-

HKUST

2009-05-26T13:25:00.002+08:00

In this uni, we are not striving for excellence or whatsoever. We are looking for something, and that something is ourselves.

In a foreign environment we come to realize who we are and how different we are. And when we try to adjust we change. And when things go wrong, we start to see what's churning inside of us and we start to shun away the environment.

Have confidence. Have faith.

Confidence is not something that you build up with each and every passing day. It is something that naturally comes when you start to acknowledge your own strengths and weaknesses. And that comes after you start to discover yourself. This indeed, needs courage. Because naturally one will try to run away from his/her own darkness in him/herself into the comfort zone where there is nothing else to worry or to think about. To grab the strength and confidence to stand up again, you need to brave the waves and endure. Feel the darkness totally, engulf yourself in it and let the merciless needles pierce through every single part of you.

Then you realize something: you are not dead yet.

This is life. I believe in something: when too much good happened, something bad will come along; but when too much bad happened, something good is on the way, surely. It is a cycle. More of the bad things, that means the good things that will entail will be much bigger.

So what happens in the end? Who knows. But I know something for sure. The answer will only reveal itself to those who don't give up. Those who still walk on the path even they know how weak they are. Because this path is their choice. That means: when you made a choice, follow through. Coz what's waiting for you in the end of the horizon will surely be a rising dawn.

Every single effort is worth it. Everything that happened, happens for a reason. And it is you who needs to understand the choice that you've made, not about why you made that choice. Ain't this life? There are so many choices made by ourselves both consciously and subconsciously. And there are so many choices made on us by so many other different people surrounding us. In the end of the day, if you try to disentangle all those knots, you will surely go nuts.

At this stage, what I believe is, believe in those knots. Those knots are there because they are there for a reason, and that reason is surely for good. For example, I got a C in my soil mechanics, and that happened to be my supervisor's subject. But because of that C, I was so eager to learn things that I missed and things that are new to me. I know my weakness and thus I can face myself in a lower stance, not trying to get too snobbish or air-headed. Because of that, I get to ascend to the highest peak.

Know thyself. That is what HKUST taught me in 3 years.

-

Smile

2009-05-18T17:47:00.002+08:00

Your footsteps echoed in the cinema, although there were noise covering it.

In the midst of the noise, I saw your smile. It's the 'bestest' thing I ever saw in my life. And because of it, I cherish my life.

Whatever that is to come, walk on, without regret, without hesitation. In the end, only those who do not give up are destined to see what God has arranged for them.

-

Lone-wolf Mode

2009-05-01T13:31:00.003+08:00

So here am I, basking in the glory of the greatest prize I won in my uni as an undergraduate. But I know it clearly...there is still longer road to tramp and endless jungles to explore. Haha but let me rest a little. A good rest helps once in a while, doesn't it?

And in fact, strangely, lately I really do not have any desire to get myself into anything related to relationships. Pretty much hide in my room watching movies or dramas, reading manga, or go out alone to buy some beer or just try to prove some mathematical or physics equations in the living room. (Been reading the two thick Stephen-Hawking-edited 'God created the integers' and 'Standing on the shoulder of giants' lately. Seriously good but don't buy it yet. A lot of typing mistakes in the proofs. At least when you try to work out every one of them you will spot the mistakes. Though it's challenging to 'correct' the books yourself but still, I think it's better to wait for the 2nd edited version)

Sort of in the lone-wolf mode today. All I am trying now is to get myself a private space, wrap my mind up and shun away all thoughts. Yes, today I wander aimlessly. I think I shall get out to the city alone later on too and grab myself some nice beer. That would be after a group discussion and some work on the project to be presented next tuesday. Well well, things are tough (3 presentations, 2 reports, 1 homework) next week but I think I am quite well-off with my pace now. Let the things worry about themselves later. ^^

-

Pride

2009-03-31T19:20:00.003+08:00

I spent time watching Takuya Kimura's "Pride" again. Yes, again. I guess it's the 5th or 6th time, well that's not the point. The point is I am hungering for pride. Yes I am.

Some people might think I hunger for love all along. Or girls. Although I am kind of obsessed with girls in the past, until now only I know that what I am really obsessed with is to defend my pride in what I am aspiring to achieve and achieving.

Yes, tonight I pray. I pray for glory that is destined to come with the report I am going to start writing a while later.

I don't know why but my guts just keep telling me that miracles are going to happen. And they are coming, like now. God be with me. Buddha be with me. Guanyin ma be with me.

-

FYP

2009-03-30T20:49:00.002+08:00

What goes on tonight? Or should I ask, what's going on with me these few days?

Well it's all about Final Year Project (or you can call it Fucking Yucky Penis). But with all due respect, I am enjoying the torture it is giving me. Sadistic huh? Sad, yeah.

So tomorrow I gotta hand in the report, and the day after tomorrow I have another report to pass up. Midterm on the coming Wed and Thurs some more. Wow, this looks even more fun! So much more to come and yes you are right! I am blogging!

^^

CHEERS AND TO VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-

2009-03-29T17:52:00.002+08:00

Bottleneck-ing

-

Fools and Luxury

2009-03-24T11:00:00.001+08:00

I won't wait for words, anymore. I told myself that since uni year one summer. And this still hold, at least yeah it holds. And now I'm so so gone.

A person full of pride, I know that I need to file down the street, no matter what. A street lined with fools and luxury, just like what the lyrics sang. Will luxury buy you? It won't buy me, at least not my soul and my feelings.

I hunger for the best in me, and for the best in me I will fight. Two hands up with two legs charging forward I'll fight and fight and fight, never knowing my limits. Yes, from now on I fight. This is how I'm forced to live.

And yes, these nights will go so quietly after all these. I have absolute faith in that.

Pace

2009-03-04T22:33:00.003+08:00

Learned how to appreciate what is good for me and what is not in Penang; Learned to take care of my health accordingly after coming back to Hong Kong.

Life is moving on, and we are getting old, at the same old fucking pace. The only difference is the music and the books that walk us through the time.

Last month is Lydia and ATB. This month is Elliott Smith, Waterboys and ATB. Just picked up George Orwell's '1984' and Thomas Mann's 'The Magic Mountain' for casual read. Picked up a book by 劉伯溫, the renowned military strategist and philosopher in China who aided the Ming Dynasty to defeat the Monguls, for a little mind-drilling activity. And as usual, the all-time favorite Three Kingdoms novel on my desk once again.

You know what, this is life. Not just movies, dramas or whatsoever. Books, music and coursework, I am still looking for a balance. As far as things they are now, I am doing fine. ^^

-

R.I.P., Lucky

2009-02-14T19:28:00.009+08:00

17th January 2009, a day to be remembered. Before 17th, I had one of the happiest days since June 2008. And on 17th, I had one of the saddest days since 2009 started off with fireworks in Gurney Drive. On 17th, I lost him, a companion for 16 years since I was in standard one.

He is strong. He fights, he tears at everything that challenges to destroy him. He never gives up even when he knows that his opponent is 20 times stronger than he is, he still fights until his opponent got scared of his fighting spirit and ran away; then he will stare at me, with a glimpse of pride in his brown eyes, soaking in blood.

I know now, that part of my fighting spirit comes from you. The mere memory of seeing you fight keeps me going on even when I know I am fighting a sure-lost war.

That day I wounded myself when I dug your grave, but I didn't feel any pronouncing physical pain. Your weeping when you were lying there, looking over to us kept on echoing in my head until this very day, and I know I will still remember it 10 years later. But I know you are free now, free from all those pain and anguish and weariness. I am happy for you. We all know that one day we will see our end ourselves, that's why I let you go by yourself. It's your own life, it's you who should decide when you shall go.

So you tramped silently in the dark those places that you'd been around, places where you used to sleep all the while. I was surprised how you acquired all those strength suddenly. And I know you did it in the middle of the night so that we don't see you whining in pain when you fell down from a two-flight stairs which you used to jump over without a fuss. You have lots and lots of pride, but it's us and the environment that you miss so much. So in the end you weep so that you can see us one last time.

After I buried you, I kept tracing back your steps around the house silently. And I am grateful that you have waited until I was back then only you left this place to find a better heaven of your own.

Rest in Peace, Lucky. 17th of January will be my lucky day from now on, and this day shall mark the day when your fighting spirit endures and lives on.

One of those days in 2007, when you laid still on the grass, having fun on your own.

R.I.P., Lucky.

-

2009

2009-02-11T01:44:00.004+08:00

新的一年，新的希望，新的計劃。

五年計劃list:-

1. 手頭上的公事，認真的，120%的去幹。
2. 今日事今日畢。
3. 盡可能的審時度勢，增廣見識。
4. 不恥下問。
5. 培養合作精神。聆聽他人意見，學習以身體會和接納。
6. 廣結人緣，為未來鋪路。
7. 好好鍛煉肌肉和神經，健康第一。
8. 好好增廣自己的音樂認知，酒品認知，中華文化和世界各地文化的認知。
9. 和老朋友們一起瘋狂，把自己在三十到來之前把青春揮灑至盡。
10. 不再找找尋尋。穩踏實地把自己所愛的爭取過來。

十年計劃list:-

1. 設立屬於自己的公司，瘋狂地拼業績。
2. 這個時候應該有厝，有超過五萬馬幣的月薪。
3. 常常自新，不斷地讓創意氾濫。
4. 此時此刻，傷天害理的事情應撒手不幹。
5. 時時閱讀學習，不斷提升自己。
這十年以來，應時不時抽時間去自助旅行，讓自己的眼界拓荒，開墾心靈的土地。

-

Here it goes

2009-01-08T15:38:00.003+08:00

I lost myself somewhere, sometime long ago, even I couldn't remember it clearly. It's painful to remind myself of them again, but I felt contented as I am able to face them truly now. It is indeed a long long way since I have set foot on this winding path of mine. I did silly things, yes, indeed super silly things, things that I dare not to mention to myself again, but now that I did, I feel that I am finally growing up.

I am definitely grateful to have come to this stage. Finally, a new year reveals to me a new leaf that I finally care to turn over to. For everything that is to come, I will stay a lone wolf and fight for the better of each and every war, for now I feel alone and yet livelier than ever before.

-

The thing

2008-12-30T03:23:00.004+08:00

Noble be the heart and the doing of a man, for that the heart of the fated one glimmers in favor of the hard toil that earns the man the fame.

If rough and tough shall be the toil, let it be. For the true jade are not revealed by mere carving of the knife.

Earn the nobility with your own hands, your own hard work.

-

偶抒

2008-12-20T01:00:00.003+08:00

過去的我，什麽都會在乎。現在的我，什麽都不在乎。準確的說，不是什麽都不在乎。應該是，大部分的事情就讓它自然而然的自然而然吧。以前的我，什麽都很固執，喜歡在自己高興的時候把一些事情還有想法強加于別人的頭上，現在回想，這樣人人都會有的，不算是什麽不正常，可是老實說，屬於那個時候的我在某種程度上已經逐漸消失了。可能殘餘著一些舊時候的影子吧，不外是影子而無他。

準確一點來說，的確最近生活節奏開始放緩，神經也沒那么緊繃了。怎么說呢，也不是懶洋洋，就純粹是在好好過活吧。也需要時間思考自己的未來到底應該長成什麽樣子，雖然現在自己反倒不怎么在乎，但有時候自己一個人喝著啤酒解悶的時候也會納悶一下，如是而已。比較專注的是自己的愛好。要幹事也選自己愛好的來干。今天把村上的'挪威的森林'重讀了一遍，有一句話深印腦海：勞動和努力是不一樣的。

聽著Beatles的歌曲，讀著村上的小說，看著宮崎駿的電影，覺得生活的感覺挺寫意的，無可無不可。早睡早起，也想著要早晨起來跑步來著，只是最近考試，所以沒有實踐。既然都考完了，不妨明天來個晨跑也挺不錯的。想著想著，睡意也慢慢上來了。今天晚上有種不疾不徐的感覺，覺得寫寫隨意的也挺有意思的，才敲打出這一篇文字。

只是在想，現在什麽都開始看得開的我，是不是不會有女孩子看上我呢？哈哈。認真的說起來，現在真的只想好好在世界各地旅居，別的都不想放在腦子上。就這樣，把自己的心情，自己的生活好好調理。如是而已。

-

Kiki's Delivery

2008-12-01T00:44:00.006+08:00

Watched Miyazaki's "Kiki's Delivery" just now, and I have no regrets that I skipped study today and sort of who-knows-how get to watch Kiki's Delivery.

Always love Miyazaki's anime, not because of its art or whatsoever, but more on the themes. I bet Miyazaki is a person who travels a lot, if not then he sure dreams about travelling a hell lot. Almost all of his animes' stories are centered on the main character going to a foreign land to live and adventure, and mostly will settle there. I remember the first time I watched 'Spirited Away', I just left home and flown to Hong Kong. The feelings went so deep when I myself spirited away at the same time as well, like the character, wandering into a foreign land, exploring alone, and sometimes with friends tagging along as well.

And of course, animes are not reality. In reality, we get affected by the environment, both physically and mentally. We are unlike those anime characters who hold onto their faiths and personalities so strong that in the end they are the ones who change the environment and not otherwise. I rather would say that, it's mutual.

I would like to tell you guys my version of my story, and of course, this serves as a self reminder to myself as well. It's unfair to say that I am not changed by the environment. In fact, I did change, and from time to time I adjusted either way too much or way too little. I kinda get the catch and the hang of it now. But there's one safe conclusion I can draw: I lost myself since I entered this university. And I think I just found myself back.

Yes I did lose myself, and I was lost until like a week ago. I got airy, I got proud, I got cocky, arrogant, cibai, lansi, lanciao and whatsoever, you name it as you like. Until when I start to lose everything that I have, when every single thing is slipping away, I started to realize, "Shit, I have naught left in me...I am so empty."

When repicking my own footsteps these few weeks, I start to think about a lot of things. And I think that what I got from Kiki's Delivery should generalize all of it:-

Harry MacDowel is heightening his ohm says:
well haha what i learned suits my situation now la
it says that no matter how good u are or how natural u are at one thing
one day u will lose it oso
and that's the time when u realize that u are a student all along in ur life
then ur life will start to get wonderful when u are grateful for what u haf, haf respect for ppl u dun und or dunno anything about, and live everyday fully

WZ - eeevaaa says:
thats true
i guess thats the recipe for life

Harry MacDowel is heightening his ohm says:
yeah
once i started uni, i lost my life
becoz i stop being a student
i start to get proud
now i m back to square one
but i m happy

WZ - eeevaaa says:
good for u mate

Hopefully it's good for me. At least I am now a devoted student, to both his study and his life. Now, if you ask me what's the best role to be in in this world, my answer would be: a devoted student. Well enough relaxation for now! Things will start to kick in starting tomorrow. I shall get myself to wake up at early morning so that I can get to lab to pick up my study schedule before I dive myself into the projects which are coming up.

Like Kiki, I am kinda preparing myself to leave for another journey now. When my heart hits the button 'yes', I will take my leave. The places I have in mind is: Tianjin (天津), Shanghai (上海), Beijing (北京), Tokyo (東京) or Kyoto (京都). The first three places are for working and the last two are for furthering my study. I would probably take up master degree in my current university while I am preparing myself. But anytime I decided, I will surely take off almost immediately bah. Already had the companies that I wanna work in d also...and for Japan, I might have to wait two more years or one year if I took off to work. Till then, I might plan to just go to Japan for japanese studies and then US for my phD. But anyways, I really dunno haha so don't ask me as well. I am trying to let my mind free for this moment as exams are cramming in.

But the truth is, I feel like travelling to a foreign land and to live by myself again. This time, the desire is very strong. I think maybe it's because I kinda have my direction and thoughts more or less moulded already, and also I am starting to get tired of Hong Kong. The only reason I stay here is to finish up the research my boss have me doing right now. It's a bit waste if I were to leave it stranded like that.

Anyways, will probably leave this blog unattended for the coming month, so dun expect anything haha! And dan, I din forget my promise about Perth. Don't you worry, I will settle my ass there asap when I have the mood. Won't be too long lol. Let's see what we both can achieve at that time then.

Gambatte ne everybody!!!

-

A tribute to Xinch

2008-11-25T02:27:00.006+08:00

Never thought that I would have made it before I go back to Penang. So a game of Literati mends us up, and your songs really are great. I am really happy. Tonight, I took 3 cans of beer in a row and the last one is totally a tribute to you, my good old xinch.

I am sorry for what I said before this. I knew apology itself is not enough, but when you shrugged it off with a cool 'chillin', I know that I had hit gold. I had taken our friendship for granted all along, and I really suck, right? Haha don't laugh, I know I used to be jerk. But not anymore.

Like the song by Melee, our friendship is built to last. The bond, the laughters, the fun, the warm feelings when we are there for each other. I will never ever take them for granted anymore.

cause this is real, and this is good
it warms the inside just like it should
but most of all
most of all, it's built to last
it's built to last

Thank you for everything, xinch. You definitely made my day. ^^

-

論誆疏

2008-11-22T14:48:00.001+08:00

昔人有若吾者，豎橫無之？若之謂誆矣。蓋天有姻緣牽，奪於冥也；飲姬周酒，祈其福乎，望得一二。左傳有姜氏之齊後偃於陳，是不恕者，偏以全。然孔聖言："不患人之不己知，患不能也。"如天演何之奧矣。痴兮嘆兮！

鼌錯綱政，失於饞；有君曰：妾之所以美於我，懼我者，皆私我焉。友美於我者，有求於我焉。男女有異，行難意之，老之泰之，然；愛之寶之，咸石城湯池亦難成其事乎。

覽意洞書，掩卷嘆其何意堅也，舍情擇業，心已甲兵之，亡不芳逾百世矣。淚襟而昂敬，夫必國心效之。夜深，憶誆者，二慚之而後省，蓋事其心而亡二念，大丈夫所為乎。人生於世，不外是乎。緣於今世如暴風淫水，災而消甚速，不乏二襲，恆久如斯！

嗚呼！朝天闕！歌斯於胸，坦對天地孝悌之道，足立絕巘，誆之飾之亦容於大道乎！心決矣，蓋行之亡愧也。

-

Masked Riders, in Thailand!

2008-10-31T14:05:00.004+08:00

Aha! Time to incorporate some fun into my blog after so many serious posts. I found a video clip which nearly killed me (yes, trust me). It nearly took my breath out laughing.

Well, it's in simple cantonese. But I can't help noticing the part where "damn交含kam lan" with the kam lan in hokkien. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMFG. REALLY LAUGH DIE ME.

ENJOY AND LAUGH KAO LAT KAO LAT!

1) Note the lyrics;
2) Note the background;
3) Note how the cars siam the riders;

Kan this is really damn funny. I can't stop repeating.

-

The Secret of God

2008-10-25T18:19:00.002+08:00

When Christian fanatics talk to me about God and etc, I always find it irritating and try to escape from them all the while. The way these fanatics interpret God and life is not the way I agree with. Being a scientific person, I would always like to see things around myself as a form of interpretable and logical appearance, not as something which seems 'out-of-nowhere'.

Realm of Energy

I myself believe in the balance and everything is energy. Like what Buddha said, what we think is what we create, and each universe from each individual that crosses path builds up to the ultimate universe and experience. I would like to think of it this way: The whole universe exists as a balance of energy, every single part of it. You can neither destroy energy nor create it, you can only transform an energy form from one form to another, and vice versa. That's what science is about, and that's what life and spiritual thinking is about.

So tell me, my fellow Christians, how do you define God? God is the one who creates the whole universe, He is indestructible, He is always here and there, in every single form and another. And what is energy? Energy creates the universe, energy is indestructible, energy always exist here and there, every single part of our surrounding objects and even ourselves. In the end, it boils down to how you look at things, really. If you look at things from a religious point of view, it turns out that you can hardly change a shit. For example, to destroy what God has created is a blasphemy. But for scientists, to manipulate the way energy works is never a blasphemy in any sort of logical reasons. The reasons behind work differently all together.

To be exact, I think Christianity should be practiced as a philosophy rather than a religion. There are major differences to it. When you practice the philosophy, you are balancing up your life by projecting the positive energy from your mind. (This statement is not un-scientific. Think of it this way, when your brain thinks of something, the neurotic cells are generating bio-electricity that thus generates thoughts. This bio-electricity, when generated, always generate waves. These waves thus interact with the environment around you, and therefore at another time later you will surely reap the feedbacks from the environment). When you are practicing it in a religious way, there're a thousand ways you will go wrong. Look at the crusaders. Look at the jihad movement created by the Muslims. What in the world is going on? Simply with the fact that the overwhelming, indestructible reasons from the interpretation of the holy book or some holy persons simply blind the devotees. Buddha never intends Buddhism to be a religion, and so does Jesus. Tell me, when Jesus had said that he wanna create a new religion called Christianity? He never did. All he wanna do from the start is to introduce changes to Jewism.

So pretty much we are dealing with the inner strength as we speak. When there is a divine being that gonna protect us and give us comfort, that's religion. When there is a reason and thoughts that we can reflect on ourselves and thus change the way we output to the world and the way we filter the inputs, that's called philosophy. And in the end, philosophy couldn't reach out so easily because it requires people who actually can think objectively. So, eventually, wise people blend philosophy into religions, and hope that in the end the general public will walk towards good deeds and positive thinking.

So, why trouble yourself with religion? You are yourself and you are part of God's realm. Yes you are, aren't you a bundle of energy that lives and interacts with the surrounding? The same works with constellation, stars, sun and gravity. We can even define ourselves as God if you want to, if that's what you want. I knew it when I said that I gonna get cornered-looks from the Christians. But hey, I am talking about Energy here. Energy is the God in my belief. I do think that God is inside me, and I am indeed part of what God wills me to do. To open people's eyes about what really is and what really is not. What really is, is the very essence of life, the energy. What really is not, is the interpretations and the rules and the laws of a religion that bind us while we don't even understand why the laws are there. That, is what not is.

The Secret

'The Secret' is a book that I would ultimately recommend everyone to read or to watch. (the DVD I mean). It has a bizzarre reasoning to start with, but in the end it still is about what I said just now, energy. It basically says that, if you think of what you want, you will get what you want.

From energy point of view, when you think positively, you will generate positive thoughts, and positive thoughts generate waves that interact with the environment. When you are in the mood of happiness or positive feelings, these waves will get even more amplified. Because of the happiness waves you generate, the bad waves input, such as credit card bills and stuff that enter your brain will be suppressed instead. This state-of-mind, will ultimately bring you to the course that you want to. You will never resist to smile back at a person who is really smiling so happily out of his/her heart to you, even when you are so down, right?

So what's with this secret? This secret is the law of attraction. It tells you that, like attracts like. If you are so fucking poor now, but the way you generate positive thoughts and being in the positive mood about you are getting to the point where abundance is your life, you will get to it anyhow. It's because the energy will balance itself. Mind me, it's not God that gives you what you want. It's you. You are the God now. You demands what you want, not God. Don't believe in that bullshit cause if you do, you will never understand what I am talking about. Everything in this universe is about interactions. Every interaction builds themselves from the ground of 'energy'. And thus, Law of Attraction works. You generate positive energy, in the end what you gonna produce is a resonance effect. Everything around you start to vibrate at your frequency, and thus the things you want to achieve start to materialize.

So what if you already think of what you want but you still don't get it? That's it. That's the Law of Attraction. When you start to ASK, you get the ANSWER from the universe, but because from the law of causality we know that there's always time lag between input and output, what the universe responds to us is not instant. So you have to RECEIVE. To receive, you have to be in the right mood, and you gotta really yearn for it a lot. Even there are theories which say ghosts exist because when hateful people die, the brainwaves they generate is so strong that it keeps vibrating around the space and thus when people with higher senses pick it up, they see the hateful message of that person---ghost. The same works with the Secret. If you have the thought of doing it, you have the way to do it finally, but you aren't just in the right mood to perform it, you will never get it. An example is, you want to become a great civil engineer. You want it real bad. You know how to do it, the universe has shown you to it...to be knowledge hungry, creative and etc. But you just don't believe you can do it. That's it. You are done. You get what you want, and you attract what you think. So in the end, the universe grants you that. You cannot do it.

Philosophy of doing it

I realized the philosophy that actually drives my life since I thought about it in form 3. I was always a lazy kid who never did my homework and in the end I got fished out by teachers. I was scolded by them, I was scolded by my parents. They kept telling me: it's too late for you to do anything. At that moment, I got the light on my philosophy: Nothing is too late, and nothing is too early. Things come to you at precisely the moment that they needed to, as you wish them to be. So I suddenly open myself up. I actually intended for the whole 'scolding' phenemona to start with. Of course, it is subconscious. But to think of it, why not it is actually subconsciously intentious? I had family problems, I had a lot of uncertainties in my life. And I wanted an alarm to change myself. And there I had it, the alarming wake-up call.

So what is the philosophy of doing it? To get what you want, to achieve what you want to? In the end it is not the desire that drives you to it, but the feelings. When you want to get rich, but you are so frustrated about your life, you might get rich in a way, but you will never be happy. The philosophy is, be in the positive mind while asking for what you want, and be grateful about it. When you feel grateful, you feel contented, and your life is full, thus you can start to give. When you start to give these 'contented' feelings to the people around you, things start to get positive, and things you want will appear eventually. That's how you wanna do it. You wanna believe in yourself that you are actually the God of your life. We are born with the power of manipulating energy. We are indeed, in the realm of Energy, thus the realm of God already.

Past, Present and Future

So that concludes it: the state we are in now, is an action from the past. That's present. And future has totally nothing to do with it. Trust me. When you failed test A, what you gonna fill your mind is just the bad emotions and self-blaming as a result from your failure in test A. Guess what? Yes you get it. You dwell on the bad frequency, you resonate more failures and bad frequency. Thus people tell you, the past is important because it is related to you. Absolutely no! The past only creates the present of you, and the future you, you can always tune your feelings and energies to breakthrough the past actions. What defines the future you is your present action, not the present state you are in because of your past actions.

I love weekends. Weekends are always the time when I can actually settle down and to think. I hope I do inspire you guys. And to my fellow Christians, sorry for the insults. I did not intend them. But really, treat your own religion objectively. Do not couple it with the laws and rules. Look beyond them and see the real philosophy inside. On the other hand, tradition and religion are always two different things. You can always sembahyang your nenek moyang even you are Christian. Come on la! Open up! ^^

P/S: Isn't it the science of wave energy balance the same as Christians' prayers and Buddhists' prayers? The same oso with the Guanyima prayers. When you pray hard, you generate solid brainwaves that resonate your life. Great! Yep, you can do it too, even without a religion!

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Work that you love

2008-10-05T05:23:00.009+08:00

Being an engineer-to-be, and being a person who is constantly asked by my friends around me on what path do I set for my own future, I rarely have a fixed answer. I think that's why even my girlfriend get frustrated and feel insecure coz whenever she raised that question, my answer is: "I don't know". But that's life, we never know what we are, and here I will conjecture more: You don't even know who you are even you get there. Unless you are a few of the lucky ones. Like always, there's nothing that is necessarily true or untrue.

So, the serious topic I gonna put myself through now when writing this post is: What work do I really love to do? I guess this question is pretty much the question in almost every person on earth.

The Path: Form 5, and then...

I didn't choose engineering because I actually love engineering. I mean, I used to love playing with words in high school, and I know I am pretty good at it. I won prizes, by observing how the winning essays were presented and assume the 'frame' of a winning piece. And I am proud to say I am pretty good at manipulating emotions into words, twist them with a flavor of vanilla topping or whatsoever. Well, you know I am talking bout mandarin, right?

Until Form 5 is near to an end and everybody is troubled by their future. The choice to go to private college that gonna cost you a hell lot? Or to go to government-funded Form Six that seems to be a sinkhole for those who are from poor families and getting poor results (coz all those people got in the end are Malaysian universities)? Or dropout and find a job?

A lot among us are taking this seriously. And I am pretty much sure we don't know a shit about what we really like or love to do or to work on. You don't expect a Form Five kid to come at you and say, I like to become a doctor, for a reason other than 'saving people' and 'earning big money'. So a lot among us were pretty much blur, and those rich ones got sent out to foreign countries to be 'polished', while those who had not made their choices or those poor ones stay in Form Six. And Form Six, is pretty much what a lot of people call 'Hell'.

And in Form Six was the time I realized that my family is really poor. As in I found out from here and there that studying abroad in a good university is basically just a 'Cinderella'-like dream. The numbers are astronomical, although we were learning how the speed of light alter matter into energy at that time. So I decided to paint some colors into my totally fucked up life. I study really hard.

Most would have dropped their jaws if I tell them that I was not nearly a 'physics' or 'math' person in form 4 and 5. So I go for biology in Form Six, and then I realize biology is first and foremost, dull, and the second thing come into my mind is, I am pretty much fucked up if I don't get myself the good grades. So I change. I rather confront physics than the huge uncertainties of a jumbled up future career. This is the sad thing about Malaysian education. We are going towards money or prestige, rather than interest. Not because we really want that money or prestige, but rather that logic of the society and the people around us and the fact that Chinese is a 'secondary' citizen in Malaysia even we were born there.

Prestige

So when I got myself a good result, I told myself, hmm, this time I can bargain for my choice of work. So I weighed medicine, pharmacy and engineering. And to my genuine instinct, medical world just gonna fuck my life up because it is so 'routine' and lack of creativity. So I pick engineering. And because I love buildings to start with, so why not civil engineering?

Here I am, in a prestigious university studying civil engineering. Now I am starting to see the real question that is lurking behind: What do I really love to work on?

Till then I have this idea on how prestige works, but only vague ideas. Paul Graham clear my clouds and make my idea concrete. To me, this world is a whole junk of made-up prestige, especially in the business world. Tell me, which CEO is running a company happily while he has to flip through accounting reports, financial reports, schedules of meetings, endless tasks of client meetings and practically a weak heart when he goes to bed to have sex with his girlfriend or wife? So I guess that's a no-no. But that's how it works. When people don't wanna do this job, those people who want you to do it pay you a lot better, and with the 'light' of the prestige that comes along with it. And now, hear Graham out:-

"Prestige is especially dangerous to the ambitious. If you want to make ambitious people waste their time on errands, the way to do it is to bait the hook with prestige. That's the recipe for getting people to give talks, write forewords, serve on committees, be department heads, and so on. It might be a good rule simply to avoid any prestigious task. If it didn't suck, they wouldn't have had to make it prestigious.

The other big force leading people astray is money. Money by itself is not that dangerous. When something pays well but is regarded with contempt, like telemarketing, or prostitution, or personal injury litigation, ambitious people aren't tempted by it. That kind of work ends up being done by people who are "just trying to make a living." (Tip: avoid any field whose practitioners say this.) The danger is when money is combined with prestige, as in, say, corporate law, or medicine. A comparatively safe and prosperous career with some automatic baseline prestige is dangerously tempting to someone young, who hasn't thought much about what they really like.

The test of whether people love what they do is whether they'd do it even if they weren't paid for it—even if they had to work at another job to make a living. How many corporate lawyers would do their current work if they had to do it for free, in their spare time, and take day jobs as waiters to support themselves?"

About discipline and my principles

I told WZ about my principles today: 1) Time efficiency: I don't like to spend too much time solving an easy problem. I don't mind procrastination, but I rather spend time working on harder problems; 2) Cost efficiency. I never wanna spend money acquiring gadgets before working, rather when I started to work, I figure out then what I gonna need to use for work and I buy it.

So you never see me buying high-end computer shit. Or any fancy cameras. It's not that I don't like them, but rather the fact that even I have them, I never will use them up to their fullest potential. So I feel great when I purchased a desktop and used up all the CPU's computing capability rather than buying a Pentium II 333 Mhz and left it there to rot. And obviously, WZ disapprove my first principle because he said that, if that's it, then it's not gonna be fun.

And so I am thinking, is there a work that you can call total fun, at all? You can find a work that fascinates you, but never a work that make you feel great and fun ALL the time. Pretty much now and then, you will get to the hard problems, and hard problems are always a pain in the ass. But why people always tell us to choose a work that we actually like? I guess the major reason is because we will procrastinate a lot less, and produce more. You couldn't actually tell an office boy to make coffee for fun, right?

"With such powerful forces leading us astray, it's not surprising we find it so hard to discover what we like to work on. Most people are doomed in childhood by accepting the axiom that work = pain. Those who escape this are nearly all lured onto the rocks by prestige or money. How many even discover something they love to work on? A few hundred thousand, perhaps, out of billions.

It's hard to find work you love; it must be, if so few do. So don't underestimate this task. And don't feel bad if you haven't succeeded yet. In fact, if you admit to yourself that you're discontented, you're a step ahead of most people, who are still in denial. If you're surrounded by colleagues who claim to enjoy work that you find contemptible, odds are they're lying to themselves. Not necessarily, but probably."

So what about work that you love? I don't think there's a fixed answer, ever. One has to keep switching jobs or their fields of interest to actually get to the thing they like. I like what Graham suggests, "always produce". What he actually mean is, if you don't like your current job, and you think that you are actually very much an author, then start producing, and "always produce". Only when you get your hands on the work that you think you are supposed to like, by then you will learn whether you actually like them or not. If you think you can earn enough money by doing the current job and get to author a book later, you may be in a deep shit when you quit your work and find that you are totally not an author after all.

So how to find the work that we love? I like the idea of a dynamic work for starters. Dynamic as in, you have a job that does not require the whole fucking attention of your time and life. And this always means a job that is less paid. The highly paid jobs are always those that require a huge attention during the working hours, for e.g. financial accounting firm. Now we know why business firms pay their workers more in general. It's because their jobs are totally boring and practically made their life wasted. So, if you think that you don't have an idea yet, start off with a dynamic job. And by that you can have enough energy to hop around different things and works. At least, you have the energy to 'always produce' at night or after work, am I right?

Being an engineering student; And...the Boundary

The thing I love about engineering is that, engineering is a field that will always (or somehow) converge in the end. People doing civil engineering can always switch to mechanical and EE and vice versa. All the things we learn are pretty much inter-related, and if you are a knowledge hunger freak like me who actually interested in engineering, you will be extremely happy. That's why I come up with the idea of having my own workshop in the future. I might like to do something mechanical, or EE or chemical on my own. I never know what field of engineering that interests me the most, yet, right?

And so the idea of being an engineer is becoming sensible to me at this moment. At least I am happy with the idea of working out a hard problem that I actually like to work on. But it does not mean it's fun. C'mon people, you gotta erase this idea. If you can watch movie rather than work, you will always watch movie and not work. That's the basic logic. There is no such work that is more fun than watching movie or reading manga or watching anime. But there is always this boundary, that if you have not produced anything and just having the fun, you will feel something is wrong, and you get to work on something then.

So this boundary should be the one used to remind ourselves now and then, not that the work is actually so fun. Find a work that you love doing, but do not expect it to be so hard-assed fun. I always believe that work brings pleasure, especially hard work that requires you to solve hard problems, like those in engineering. The pleasure here does not mean the one-second movie pleasure. The pleasure is not now, but rather the feeling of being great that lasts for one month, one year or even your entire life after finishing it.

So my dear friends, do not live in denial anymore. You should consider how to find out which work that you love to work on, rather than telling yourself that you are already working on one. You know the answers change from time to time, and I am sure one day we will find it. About how to do it, Graham suggests two methods: the Organic method; or the two-route method. You can dig up his essay and read it. Either method or any method of your own, there's always this principle: hard work always bring lasting pleasure; and the work you love is not gonna be always fun.

Cheers!!!!! And wish you guys have a great weekend! ^^

References

I always like Paul Graham. His essays are clear and easy to understand, even after you had drunk two cans of beer and a long tiring day. Here's the link: How to Do What You Love.

p/s: I welcome any debate or idea but inspire me, please. ^^

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Dream big, and persist

2008-10-01T03:07:00.005+08:00

Dream big. That's what I keep telling myself nowadays. When a person's glorious moments are coming, I am sure he/she will know it. I personally do. To me, it's now or never. I can feel the vibes in the air, the gush in the wind and the God-like sermon playing about my ears telling me: Your glory is coming. Reach out to it.

Or is it that I am dreaming?

Well, I have a high percentage of being delusional as I speak. You can choose not to read this post. But I have a question to ask each of you who is actually reading: Have you ever dreamed big? If you had, what about now? Is it even considered big, or just another typical solution for the so-called perfect life in our society?

When we live, we always have dreams. All sort of dreams: dreams to make this world a better place, dreams to do what we really like to do and triumph in it. But when life's mandate hit us, we succumb. (the mandate says: you have no money. you have no money. you have no...please iterate until you reach the end) We divert from our dreams, and we start to look pathetic, in our own eyes. One way or the other, we divert now and then. It's life, come on. It's okay to divert, actually, if you have been true to your conscience. Even if you are making the dumbest choice, if you are happy with it, I will acknowledge you. Seriously. If you feel happy watching ants making out, why not?

So, here I go. I am actually hungering for heights. Heights in academic excellence. Here I don't mean that I wanna have all the A+s, but rather I am dreaming bigger. Now I have fresh opportunities to initiate breakthroughs in geotechnical engineering and also particle simulation programs. They are not impossible tasks, as they are actually do-able. They are within my abilities. But time never seem to be enough. And confidence fluctuates now and then, until I hit myself with the idea: why not me? I mean, why I have to be so pessimistic about it? If I can make this a feat, let's do it! I still remember clearly when my boss slapped me on the shoulder and said: "Make me famous! It has to be you." That, propels me, moves me, and totally catches me.

I happened to come across an article on Hardy Cross, a famous professor in civil engineering who invented Moment Distribution Method and conduit flow calculations. It is a story which I think everybody should read, especially the engineers:-

""

Once a student named Alford told Cross that he thought one of the problem solutions in their text was wrong. Cross paced back and forth, staring hard at the student, and pointing at him fiercely. "Can you, a graduate student, actually have the temerity to accuse the internationally known engineer who wrote this book of MAKING A MISTAKE? Can you really believe that the publishers would allow such an alleged error to be printed? Can you show us the error?"

Alford seemed unable to answer.

Still pacing, Cross said, "Can anyone help Mr. Alford? Do any of you see a mistake in problem four?"

The class was silent.

"Well, Mr. Alford," Cross said sternly, "would you care to retract your accusation?"
"It's just that I can't..."
"Speak up!" Cross thundered.
"I still believe it's wrong!" Alford shouted, his face red with embarrassment.
"Then kindly come to the board and prove it to us," Cross taunted. "We shall be pleased to see the proof of your unfounded allegation."

Alford labored at the board without success for the rest of the period. Cross began his next lecture by saying, "In our last meeting Mr. Alford raised a serious and unfounded charge against the author of our text." Staring at Alford, he said, "Have you reconsidered your accusation?"
"No, sir," Alford replied. "I still believe he is wrong."
"To the board, then. We still await your proof."
Alford's labors were again unsuccessful.

The third time the class met, Cross said, "Mr. Alford, are you ready to withdraw your ill- considered accusation about problem four?"

Moments 1ater Alford was at the board. Within a few minutes he managed to show the solution to the problem in the book was incorrect, and he returned to his seat. Cross's pleasure was evident from his expression. "You must always have the courage of your convictions," he aaid. "Mr. Alford does; apparently the rest of you do not, or you are not yet sufficiently well educated to realize that authority — the authority of a reputation or the authority of a printed page — means very little. All of you should hope to someday develop as much insight and persistence as Mr. Alford."

""

That's why I am here now. I want to make myself remember this feeling of mine, now. And I will remind myself of it if I happen to lose it for a while in the future. This feeling, has to be of my safekeeping, forever. And I will like to instill it in you guys too: If you have dreams, dream big. If you dream big, have confidence. If you don't have confidence, persist until you find it. The authority (here I refer to the collective logic of a society) is not always right and in fact, it means very little if you choose to believe in your direction and purpose. So my friends, stay foolish, stay hungry while you dream big. Fools learn alot more and in the end, they are always called geniuses.

References:
For those interested in Hardy Cross, visit these links:-
An account on Hardy Cross which is written beautifully <--- Hardy Cross - wiki <--- And if you are from engineering, you probably heard of Nathan Newmark, the pioneer of the elegant solutions to dynamic equations and also a very intuitively involved practicing civil engineer. Well, why I mention him? Because he is a student of Cross, and he was always so proud of Cross.

Enjoy reading!!

p/s: This is the 100th post of my blog, and Oct 1st is the national day of China. Hurray!!

Untitled

2008-09-17T01:32:00.000+08:00

If there exists a person who I cannot resist to be together with, it's you.

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Where am I

2008-09-16T01:58:00.006+08:00

The pain goes on, incessantly. The pain goes on when the night draws its curtain and I started to fret. Poverty stole your golden shoes, but it didn't steal your laughter. But you did. You stole my laughter away from me. And heartache came to visit me.

I am deeply troubled before, during, and after sleep. Waking up from sweet dreams to reality everyday isn't exactly the way to start a day afresh. I know. I know the situation we're having is killing both of us, at the same time. We keep finding new things to argue over, almost every week. When I am tired, you will sneak into your own rhythm of breakup calls. When you are tired, I suddenly realize we have enough and it's my turn to blow the breakup horns. The cycle is vicious, and it's poisoning us. We torture each other, endlessly, tirelessly, until both of us said: "Let's torture each other until we die."

Until my heart tells me: "Let the torture lives on. It just seemed to be impossible for me to live on without her now." So I set out to find my own enemies in my mind that keep telling me to breakup and call it an end once in for all. I swing my sword in such a perfect manner and grace that I lost myself in the battle. And here I go, I scream at the top of my voice every night and day...and every morning when I wake, I tell myself to repeat the same mistake, over and over and over and over again.

Every night, this time, this hour, this minute, I fall at your feet. Your finger of blame waves around in an erratic motion, and sometimes it will turn upon itself. Then you will start to cry. Your tears rain down on me, like jewels falling from the heaven. And you started to go psycho. You are having illusions, suddenly. You wield your words in a smart and accountable fashion. I believe them. I were worried, and I were happy, and then I were lost. Then there I was, you unveil the seemingly 'understandable' truth that it's just a conjured image of yours. I get furious, I get disappointed and I get angry. And then when the fury recedes, I am back to my role as a dog, bowing to you every minute when you need me to.

I resisted, and I gave up. Every now and then we struggle to get the hold of each other. Existence itself is redefined. We are meant to be. We are meant to exist together while tormenting each other.

Until the hour came that I decided to end it all for good. Am I doing the right thing? Am I actually solving the problem in the right way? I don't know. I love her. I love her with the whole of my heart. I started this call of relationship with good deeds. I keep wondering, why am I on a no man's land while I have so many plans at start that seem to execute perfectly? What are our problems? There are a thousand questions to answer, and none of them I have any clue. You told me, if we love each other enough, then 'torture' itself is actually an enjoyment rather than sadness and burden. But it has been a burden to me. Is it true? That I love you not enough?

Am I even close to close this up after you decided to change your msn and phone number? Every now and then I will 'accidentally' stumble upon your photos here and there and everywhere. Every now and then I will have this regret that I should have not broken up with you in the first place. But what is the regret for since I answered you 'no' continuously, three times in a row? It is unacceptable for me to revoke my own action d, right? Even if I plan to, what will become of us? Set out to destroy each other again? Or we will actually do it right this time, rest if off, grow up and love one another like any other loving couple? Is it possible?

My heart weeps, when the night is late and the sun seems like it will never rise again. I try so hard to sleep it off, and then when I did it it would be at least 5 or 6 in the morning. I will wake up at 4 pm later, watching hopelessly as the sun sets. Night falls again and I am off wandering in circles, again and again and again.

I ought to wake up. Somebody wakes me up. Or, am I actually dreaming? Is this just another magic trick conjured by you? I don't know anymore.

-

九月天

2008-09-15T02:15:00.005+08:00

把一切關係和溝通都切斷，這就是你的選擇嗎。
也對，我們彼此那么投入，彼此那么的用心過，我們的影子里嵌印著彼此的點點滴滴。我們之間，擁有的太多，扭一扭頭，到處都是彼此之間的記憶。

你選擇了，我的世界也灰了。我失去了一切希望，給自己的藉口，什麽都是假的，只有你的離去是最真實的。

我開始在想，可能，這是我們彼此之間最好的協定。沒有了你，我不會老盯著電腦螢幕，在尋找著你的蹤影。想你的時候，又忍不住發信息給你，就好像你說的，又去撥動你的心跳。你的生活，因為我的自私而永遠都走不出陰霾。我們兩個天天都在問彼此到底是什麽問題。你的問題，我還是不敢和你說，怕傷害你。我的問題，我承認了，可是你老覺得我還是沒告訴你什麽，所以大家都一直在猜疑，一直在磨磨蹭蹭。你是怕，我們一輩子都這樣子吧。嗯，我也在想，這樣子來看，你的決定的確是準確而適應情況的。

我中了你的毒，你也中了我的毒。我可以在有你的情況下繼續生存下去，可是你卻是不能的。我務必有這個責任讓你走，讓你好好的療傷，讓你好好的過生活。這才是我，我作為最後一個負起責任的最後一件事吧。既然我把責任攬在身上，那我應該咬著牙，繼續往這條路走下去，讓你過得好好，不要再讓自己成為你的困擾。

希望，當我不再是你的困擾的時候，你會以我為傲。

我現在身無寸鐵，說什麽以我為傲呢。。。我是不是太天真了些。所以，從這一刻開始，我要讓你知道，你可以以我為傲。我會很努力，讓自己往更高更高的方向攀爬。這個九月份的這一個晚上，我突然十分的五月天。想起了他們的‘牙關’，他們的‘倔強’。我會咬緊牙關，繼續漂流，在巔峰上徘徊，直到哪一天什麽時候，你會想起我這個人，向你身邊的人說，這個人，你認識。

那，我就很滿足了。今天，我失去了你，可是我一定，一定一定要拿下我可以拿的。一直攀爬，往巔峰上的巔峰在繼續前進。

前進，永往直走，永往高爬。

-

給我的天使，甄

2008-09-08T04:04:00.004+08:00

珮甄，生日快樂！！其實，我很期待這一刻的。可是，今晚，你把我的心情給降落了。可是我還是希望我可以給你帶來歡樂。和你在一起，你不開心的時候太多了，這對身體不好，特別你這段時間又要考試，身子也有問題。

今天，你二十二歲了，我只停留在二十一這個數字上。感覺上大家都老了，只是你老一點。老實說，最近也覺得自己變沉悶了，做完了事情回到寢室，累得象一條狗，心思都不愿意花了，理虧的是我，這肯定。對自己的女朋友，沒有理由不花心思的吧。

想想，我其實是一個極其懶惰的傢伙。雖然人家說，我要去花一丁點心思，費的只是一些腦力，卻只有我自己知道，我是一個完美主義者。要設計一個驚奇，我需要巨量的安排和時間還有心思，所以，珮甄，我對不起你。這一點我承認，我老了，也變得有點，不好玩了吧。

你的理由有根據，我的理由一塌糊涂。我托你為我老媽買禮物，而我把你看做親人，卻沒有托任何人買禮物，這也說不過去吧。要是一個男人像我這種田地，在敲著自己的腦袋問自己到底在做什麽的時候，是不是，我應該好好反省，好好讓你有屬於你自己的天空，一片沒有我的天空？

什麽時候我不浪漫了。什麽時候曾經覺得自己是浪漫情人的那個人，消失了？

深深地。那種感覺深深地，我知道，也明瞭，心底是對你有多么深厚的感情的。什麽時候我們兩個開始尷尬起來了，我也收斂了，你也容易懷疑了。

我希望至少今天，我們以歡笑慶祝你的生日。因為今天，我才擁有你。因為今天，我才有一個關懷愛我的人。因為今天，是屬於你的，也是屬於我的。我在反思，我在醒悟。

珮甄，生日快樂。我是愛你的。謝謝九月八日，這么一個特別的日子，給我帶來了一個我生命中特別的天使。而這個天使，卻被我無意中剪去了雙翼。如果可以，我要讓你開開心心，不再憂悒，不再傷心，不再哭泣，以我畢生的能力賦予你。

生日快樂！

Hokkien

2008-08-16T05:48:00.004+08:00

My goodness. Never underestimate Hokkien. It's a globally spoken dialect among the chinese immigrants in the whole world, but we seem to ignore its importance due to the proliferation of the Cantonese language by media. Even a lot of us thought that Cantonese is more global than Hokkien.

This is proven wrong these few months, by myself, in Hong Kong. You guys know that Hong Kong is the major source of proliferating Cantonese media and Cantonese-speaking people. Even if your dad and mum are Hokkien, you will convert to Cantonese because that's the tongue the locals use to communicate. But even here, in Hong Kong, there are a lot of hidden locals (yes, they are born in Hong Kong) who actually master Hokkien and Teochew fluently.

I am very, very surprised.

I am not surprised by my supervisor from my intern company because he obviously has a tongue mixed between Hokkien and Cantonese. I once asked him why is that so and he said he moved from Hokkien to Hong Kong about ten years ago. Well, that's acceptable. But I really got shocked when I was buying food at my uni food court nearby, which all its employees are 100% Honkies, caught me off guard by talking Hokkien to me suddenly. This is really astonishing. Because at that moment I was talking to a Penangnite with Hokkien and then she interfered in the middle with fluent Hokkien. That, is a huge surprise.

But the ultimate surprise came to me not more than a few hours ago. I was celebrating with my colleagues after work. On the way we ride on MTR and suddenly I caught that guy, who is 4 years my senior and a definite locally born Honkie speaking Hokkien fluently. Then both of us start to communicate using pure Hokkien (not Penang Hokkien, lol), leaving all the other colleagues in shock because they never knew too. I am so, so, so, so surprised.

There are a few more cases, but I will leave that to the future posts if I actually have the mood to write them anyway. The lesson? Hokkien works everywhere. Knowing Hokkien and finding a person who actually speaks it in a foreign place tightens the bond between that person and you almost instantaneously. Of course, Hokkien here I mean the Min Nan dialect, which comprises of Hokkien of Quanzhou, Hokkien of Zhangzhou and Teochew. Do not discard your mother tongue if you think that nobody really cares about speaking Hokkien. Well, I can prove to you, actually a lot of people care.

And ya, about the proliferated Cantonese spoken nowadays, it is not what it is years ago. It is what I call modern Cantonese and actually Honkies don't speak the Cantonese we know nowadays about 70 years ago. And yes, I will blog about that. It is too long a story to tell in this blogpost alone.

For you guys punya information, I gonna start posting a continuing series of posts called 淺談華文 (Gliding through the Chinese Language) which will focus on dialects, origin of dialects, difference between Teochew, Zhangzhou Hokkien, Quanzhou Hokkien & Penang Hokkien, origin of the modern Cantonese, the connection between Cantonese, Hakka, Hokkien and Mandarin, the Min Bei language (Hokchiu), the role of Min Nan language and Cantonese in history, the origin of the putonghua we are taught these days and many many more. In fact, I have been doing a lot of research by myself since Upper Six. I guess it's time I try to at least realize them into words because I think it will be really helpful to you guys and the language researchers outside as well. Well, really, it's not boring. I never research boring stuff on dialects haha. Let you guys in on one of the interesting things i have been thinking and researching about: What is actually 'beh'? Why we have this 'beh' word so widely used and can we actually write it out in Chinese word? Then why do Taiwanese say 'beh' in a different tone? Did you notice that? Why is that so?

Haha maybe I will discuss on that one first. It depends on my thought and mood actually, hehe.

Anyways, time to catch a sleep. And yea, respect your mother tongue. And be sure you teach it to your kids because it is what identifies you and your offspring of our ancestral origin. And it is practically useful when you are doing business outside Malaysia, especially. Imagine you are dealing business with a Honkie and suddenly both of you found out that you guys speak Hokkien. What a miraculous deal it will turn out to be!

It is a blessing. Be proud of Hokkien. Be proud of the Min Nan dialect.

Crash

2008-08-15T01:01:00.003+08:00

In Hong Kong, I think there's always this sense of hype in the air. At first you won't see it. You can't even notice its presence. Not even when it catches you in its net. Honkies live by it. Honkies have no clue bout it too.

It's the vibes that make the whole city deserted. Deserted of culture, and the sense of belong and coziness.

In this city, people bump into one another all the time. Simple. It's because there's no way that you can walk straight in a street, unless you are in the New Territories. In Hong Kong, if you keep quiet more than 5 minutes in a one-to-one conversation, that Honkie will think that you are just a nobody who can't compete at all. All right, I might as well list the hidden principles behind the huge concrete jungle I am living in now:-

1) To live as a true Honkie, you must be super fluent in Cantonese but that is not enough. The real element is 'keep talking'. Yes you get me. If you can put on an individual talkshow for more than 2 hours alone you are an amateur. A professional can do it for 8 hours. Believe it or not. I had myself a few occasions bumped into amateur Honkies who just can't stop bragging. The whole process, I can't even have the chance to speak a word. Or rather, I don't feel like spelling an 'A' also.

2) You must unlearn whatever you know of outside Hong Kong. You read Jane Austen? C'mon...people in Hong Kong read about their movie stars' ugly news, not some simple and uncanny stuff like 'Pride and Prejudice'. Talk to one of them about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I am sure nobody even cares about what you are talking about. How pathetic you are. (well I mention George Orwell, Haruki Murakami in my office a few times too, even to my classmates...guess what...nobody knows and nobody cares).

3) You must know every single game that comes from Japan. And yes, every single jap line that the character says as well. Coz, guess what, they will keep teasing each other with those stuff no matter where...be it at work or in university. And of course, you must know how to game too.

4) You must know how to complain. Complaining is a fashionable trend in Hong Kong. Everywhere you go, if you have any beh syiok, just complain till you feel satisfied. Trust me, these Honkies are great at complaining. It is a city of complaints. No matter how good the government is.

5) You must know how to think that a person who is listening to you 'lecturing' doesn't know a shit what you are talking bout. For example, this girl laughed at a Malaysian saying: Oh, of course you dunno wat a frog is...you never even seen one...And that Malaysian goes: Errrrrrr...I think I even catch one before. Honkie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA IMPOSSIBLE!

6) You must know how to talk on phone all the while. I mean it. Toilet, during breaks, lunch, dinner, waiting for bus, on the mtr, while you are dating your girl/guy...etc. On all those occasion, would you please, take out your mobile phone and call someone up? Thank you.

7) You must be hypersensitive. Anything that comes across you, you must react three times the effect back. For example, the bus driver said to you: Hey you! You haven't paid yet!...Ok, here's what you shud do. You stand in the doorway of the bus, blocking all the other customers, and then you started grumbling, protesting and shouting until every single soul around you got totally hyped up enough to join you.

8) Know how to be a couch potato and keep talking at the same time.

9) Know how to discriminate everyone other than true Honkies.

I can't list them all. Let's discuss a bit of the effects of those 9 rules on me. Because of rule no. 1, 无线, the Hong Kong biggest broadcasting studio, had all of its commentators (8 to 9 of them) who are responsible in commentaries of the live Olympic events talk at the same time and......non-stop. It's so fucking annoying and noisy. Well, take this to another level...imagine you are living with these people around you everyday.

Because of no. 2, I feel so sad. I even had a lot of people laughing at me because I read 'Wuthering Heights' or 'Hamlet'. My goodness. And I am no gamer. Especially those Gundam shit that Honkies enjoy playing so much.

I seldom complain. And I got a lot of 'professional' Honkies thinking that I am a dumb fool because I am supposed to not know about 'frog', 'company auditing' and a lot more that I happen to forget at this moment. My God. I guess none of you who read this post knows how to react to Honkies too, right?

And yes, you have to pray to God for a healthy body if you believe that radiowave will cause cancer. These honkies talk on phone non-stop. Unbelievable!

Sighz. So, convince me, do I have to believe that Hong Kong will be the internationally acclaimed leading city of China? Nope I don't think so. Beijing people are far better. At least Chinese Malaysians are way better too.

Pathetic Hong Kong. Pathetic Honkies.

P/S: A quote from Crash: I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

李思雅TVB的噪音和無知旁述

2008-08-09T23:19:00.002+08:00

本人已經到了忍無可忍的境界了。在奧運這么盛大的節目里，竟然冒出了一個叫李思雅的無知主持，就只會拾人牙慧，抑或是發表一大堆令人莫名其妙的意見，實在是啼笑皆非！

曾幾何時，無線電視臺的人才開始凋零。

香港的娛樂圈的素質，也真的降落了很多。直到前一代的演員們，歌手們，還有主持們退休的時候，就是香港娛樂圈末日的到臨。相信這一天不久我們就會見證了。

Good shoes won't save you this time!

2008-08-07T23:06:00.003+08:00

I always love this song. Love it until I sang it out aloud in Choi Hung MTR Station (彩虹) in Hong Kong a few times, having people around me shocked or making fun of me. But that's the spirit of this song haha! I always feel like dancing to its tune and rhyming its lyrics! Such a freaking meaningful song it is.

Well just wanna share it with you guys. This song always have the magic to portray my feelings. Long live Lost Prophets!

One, two,
One, two, three, four...

I'm sure I've seen this look before
Done a thousand times and a million more
How many lies did You tell this time?
How many times did You cross the line?
It won't help me, but I have to ask
Is there something real that's behind the mask?
Something true we don't know about?
A little faith in amongst the doubt

And maybe someday you will grow
Maybe someday you will know
Maybe someday you will end these fears and go

A little piece of me grows old
I keep on walking down this road
I've seen a million people change
But I will stay the same
and i know you, (Know you, know you,)
always steal and borrow
and i know you, (Know you, know you,)
never catch, you're never gonna catch tomorrow

I'm sure I've played this scene before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I'm sure I used to hold your hand
Did I hurt you?
All this atittude with no history
All this anger when you're attacking me
Got a lot to learn and you need to know
That your time is up kid, let it go

Maybe someday you will grow
Maybe someday you will know
Maybe someday you will end these tears and go

A little piece of me grows old
I keep on walking down this road
I've seen a million people change
But I will stay the same
and I know you, (Know you, know you,)
always steal and borrow
and I know you, (Know you, know you,)
Never catch, you're never gonna catch tomorrow

Never gonna catch tomorrow

A little piece of me grows old
I keep on walking down this road
I've seen a million people change
But I will stay the same
And I know you, (Know you, know you,)
Always steal and borrow
And I know you, (Know you, know you,)
Never catch tomorrow

Yeah the haircuts hot
But this has gotta stop
Good shoes won't save you this time
I think your gonna find with everything combined
that the Time's running out on this lie (This lie)

And I know you, (Know you, know you,
Always steal and borrow
And I know you , (Know you, know you,)
Never catch, you're never gonna catch tomorrow

In Memory of Randy Pausch

2008-08-06T21:15:00.001+08:00

Well, first of all, I am sure I will get some critics (or maybe more than I imagine) for that blogpost written in chinese. A rather bizarre phenomena, isn't it, for the reason that most of my blog readers (currently 100% to date) are chinese. Lol.

Let the personal opinions of my own stay. This post is meant for some other stuff which is more important, something which I think I should share with you guys and the whole world (those that have not learnt of it) but it is really, mainly for you guys. Thankfully, it's in English. Yea it is. ;-)

Ask me what inspire me these days? The way to live life. The way that one learns to be loving but insensible at the same time. God I got a lot on the list that goes forever on and on. But I can definitely assure you, I consider my words are of no importance to all of you, unless I have enough experience and gone through enough hardship to convince you.

What about words from a dying man (well he passed away on July 25th, 2008, a few days ago)? An influential professor in the field of Computer Science, Randy Pausch, inherited his will and his way of living life as a happy and aspiring man, through his last lecture on "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams". (The links lead to his biography and the introduction to his lecture in Wikipedia)

He talks about his goals, his childhood dreams; He then talks about how he works toward enabling the dreams of other people and; lastly, he talks about the lessons he learned from the people around him throughout his life.

I might as well let you guys experience this dynamic talk by yourself. I laugh, I fall into deep thoughts, I tear, and I truly understand how a man is supposed to be after I listen to this lecture. I believe I have not chewed most of the lecture material enough to compile the lessons into my own words, but I will put some efforts into letting you guys on some of the snippets that inspire me:-

"Syl said, it took me a long time but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do. It’s that simple. It’s that easy. And I thought back to my bachelor days and I said, damn."

"Remember brick walls let us show our dedication. They are there to separate us from the people who don’t really want to achieve their childhood dreams. Don’t bail. The best of the gold’s at the bottom of barrels of crap."

"Work hard. I got tenure a year early as Steve mentioned. Junior faculty members used to say to me, wow, you got tenure early. What’s your secret? I said, it’s pretty simple. Call my any Friday night in my office at ten o’clock and I’ll tell you."

"Find the best in everybody. One of the things that Jon Snoddy as I said told me, is that you might have to wait a long time, sometimes years, but people will show you their good side. Just keep waiting no matter how long it takes. No one is all evil. Everybody has a good side, just keep waiting, it will come out."

"And be prepared. Luck is truly where preparation meets opportunity."

Well, no more shit, let's get to the lecture live. By the way guys, I have the video downloaded, equipped with a subtitle in chinese which imho is translated in a very accurate and flawless tone by 朱學恒. And I got the lecture's powerpoint (around 12 Mb) plus the transcript of the whole lecture in pdf (248 kb). The video itself is in wmv format and is about 252 Mb. If any of you guys are interested, contact me over msn and I will send you a copy.

In the memory of Randy Pausch, let us learn this life's lesson from him hard core. May him rest in peace, and the great teachings of his stay with everyone of us in our darkest hours and happiest moment, all the time and all the while. Thank you, Randy, for all of these! May God bless you and your family!

Visit Randy's own website here: Carnegie Mellon University: Randy Pausch's Web Site

風的孩子

2008-08-03T22:00:00.000+08:00

以前的世界我們都不知道是什麽樣子。

就像以前的生物，以前的世界，以前的文明；就算孕育我們的祖先的中國，以前的話語也無人知曉。我們隨波逐流，我們在時間里無窮無盡的河流，勉強地抓住了不知道是不久之前的，還是遠古的文化的稻穗。

當時間慢慢過去，沉淀的心情還有世故的變化，都在一種自己無法了解和捕捉的意識空間里醞釀著。毗鄰自己的一片灌木的樣子似乎沒什麽大變化，可是我的心境似乎變了。呼吸的節奏變了。很多故事被敘述的時候，往往都有那么的一段：變不回去了；或者是：太久遠了，以前的仿佛是影子，似有似無。

可是好像那種感覺還在吧。深深抑鬱著的痛楚、遠處來自金黃色草原的輕鬆低吟、祖先們在北方遊牧的時候吃過的狼食、埋在危機反射裡的獸性。我們都在不知不覺中生活在一堆自遠古傳承下來而藏在基因裡的信息中。我們不斷地在發掘。

共存，真的是不可能的嗎？

我們和大自然，不可共存嗎？其實，把範圍縮小一些，那西方世界和東方世界呢？大家能共存嗎？基督教和回教，大家能共存嗎？自由主義和共產主義，不能共存嗎？

再把範圍縮到最小，到了今天，似乎已慢慢演變到男人和女人都難以共存了。我們的世界，真的就在慢慢地沉入腐海裡了嗎？號稱文明者，號稱高智慧動物的我們，已經從以前的團結走到今天的逐漸散落。我們的世界，變成了什麽樣子呢？

最近閱讀了Zi Yun的blog (大家可以在右欄裡鍵連)，附帶閱讀了令她憤怒的那篇文章，我不禁有一種深深的悲痛。我不由的沉思。我的心裡似乎一直都有一個答案漂游著。一種朦朧的感覺，情景，概念。

在令到Zi Yun憤怒的文章里，我看到了作家的一種少年方剛的氣憤。我仿佛看到了以前的我，有些許惆悵起來。以前的我，難道不是對愛情充滿著無數的，數不盡的原則還有不可扭曲的論述？那種不可一世的態度，那種鄙視人間的精神，那種恨不得手中掌有生死之權的咒語，難道不是以前的我的寫照？當自己把自己埋藏在書堆裡，閱讀了無數作家的滔滔大論，變得似乎些許驕恃起來了，好像自己擁有了男人的弱點，抑或是女人的強處，抑或是人類的醜陋，抑或是扭曲事實的手段，還有無數的抑或。是無數的，因為雖然主心思想不會改變，但是充斥著生活的原則時不時的在變化著。

今天的我，有一個結論。那種態度是不健康的，是一種會反噬的態度。反噬的時候，那種痛苦入骨的程度似乎不比令狐沖忍受‘吸星大法’的反噬少，因為這種反噬是潛意識的，當自己發現的時候，往往就是末期的時候，它像癌症一樣，隱藏著。

我走入歧途過。我曾在一片充滿虛假的原則架構里生活過。我曾經嘗試背叛以前的自己。大家敢問自己，難道沒有那一個充滿殺機的時候嗎？

我在尋找，到底這種腐敗的思想，怎么連社會所謂的受過教育的我們也會蒙蔽自己的眼睛？當人類們都在說西藏的人權問題的時候，就沒有人見到背後的陰謀？在中國當局盡力解釋西藏的自由的時候，難道他們沒有看到自己的殘暴？事情都有兩面，事情也可能不止兩面。我們沒有權利去述說西藏是否應該獨立，抑或是美國的自由主義是最崇高的。我只能說，我們人類應該做的是，不斷的尋找一個和平的共處方案。利益可能受到迫害，那就繼續談下去。任何一種突變的形式都會令到人民受到大損失。當初蘇聯的瓦解，在今天禍亂重重的俄羅斯里，我們看到了什麽？在當初美國政府無情的暗殺美國境里的共產黨主義者，那我們看到了什麽？自由主義倡導的人人自由，那相信共產主義就是錯，就不可以？還得趕盡殺絕？

我衷心的勸一勸這位仁兄，有時候試著和平解決吧。

我不排斥自己有偏激的一面。在外邊的世界逗留了這么久，和無數不同的國度的人們交談過，交心過。大夥兒坐下來一起過冬，吃酒，談著不同國度里不同的文化，大家也難免爭吵，對一種主意，一種想法，一種倡導，十個人，有的想法不下二十個吧。可是我可以斷定，我們都是愉快的。大家都覺得大家的眼界開闊了。我因為了解了西方人的放蕩不羈而覺得有一種遼闊的感覺慢慢的滋長在自己的生命中；西方人何嘗不是驚嘆于東方人的自律還有勤勞和執著？我們大家口頭上都是喋喋不休的，可是心底下都不由得有一絲絲的動心。

可以說，從此以後，我的人生漫漫的改變了。

那愛情呢？Zi Yun和那位仁兄都似乎不認同男人的背叛還有女人們的從容，甚至媽媽的慫恿。一些詛咒的言語也因此出現了。這，真的是事情的全面嗎？

我本人認為香港是一個文化沙漠。哈哈，可是這不是主題。我生活的大學里，可是很多令我驚訝的世界。這裡收攬了世界各地的人才，這裡，也有著無數的情侶因為際遇而撞擊出來的火花。

我見到了一對香港情侶，天天生活在一起，可是他們都沒想過結婚，也認為本身對生活的追求是獨立的，也沒去想過承諾，也沒想過未來。他們就是那么的生活在一起；我見到過一對來自西方國家和另一個來自中東國家的情侶。他們摒棄自己的宗教文化背景生活在一起，他們互相包涵，也不提之間的文化差異，還有宗教要求。他們也天天生活在一起，他們也沒想過未來，沒想過結婚；我見到過一對來自中國的情侶。他們兩個來自不同的省份，說著不同的方言，卻因為學術環境還有共同的普通話而認識，結交，生活在一起。他們對彼此有山盟海誓，有承諾，也希望自己能和彼此終老。他們堅定，他們奮鬥；我也見過來自不同國度的情侶，也見過遠距離戀愛的情侶。每個人都來自不同的國度，擁有不同的語言，思想，甚至不同的時間。

我見到了很多驚人的事實，我見到了很多對愛情不同的看法，我見到了很多不同的文化的衝擊和緩和。在一段愛情里，成分太多，沒有人能保證什麽。我本人對事業很執著，對愛情相對的也不怎么介意了。有的人對愛情執著，不允許背叛。我也見到了有些人出軌了，到最後兩人和好了，也一起終老的情侶和我談起了以前的事故。

我在想，人類，是何其的奇妙和美麗。我們都擁有著億萬個不同的想法。不說其他人，就說說自己吧。誰敢說自己從以前到現在的想法是一致的？我們都生活在一條河裡，一條被風御著的河流。我們周圍的光景有時一樣，有時卻是截然的不同。我們的前方擁有著不同的礁石，不知明的轉彎。我們也遇到無數的分岔路。我們遇到不同的人，不同的文化，不同的想法，甚至是不同的生物。我們聚合，我們分散。

我遇到無數不同語言的人。我遇到無數思想截然廻異的人。

我只能說，人，抑或是動物，大家不應該忘記植物。植物們都有一種奇異的力量。它們不正面交鋒，它們都在慢慢的融合，如果融合不了，就共存。它們的生命最脆弱，可是它們是大自然，還有一切生命的泉源。它們可以以一千年，一萬年，一億年的時間來融合彼此的差異。

難道我們人類注定是滅絕的動物？我們慢慢的忘記了共存的意義。我們也慢慢的忘記為什麽當初人類團結的原因。我們因為擁有炮彈而覺得自己強大，擁有詛咒的力量而覺得自己是崇高的，沒錯的。因為自己擁有了一些操縱自然的力量而把自己當作神。

我們，何嘗不是最悲哀的？連男人和女人都在戰爭的時候，當我們國度里的種族互相鄙視，互相殘殺，互相吞是彼此的時候，我不禁的在想，我們的希望在哪裡？我們的下一餐飯，是不是虛假的，沒有意義的？是不是在什麽地方有人默默的死了而把怨恨拋給世人？是不是有人在某個地方壯烈的死了，而認為自己的無比崇高是永遠正確的？

我很傷感。

我的朋友們，和我一起在遠離自己的家鄉，遠離自己祖先的地方在流浪，遠離自己熟悉的文化和語言在打拼，奔走，漂泊的朋友們。。。我們，是在以前自己的社會里被人稱為精英的人物。我們不應該放棄在人世間還存在的情理。我們不應該認為共存是不可能的；我們不應該因為一些自己認為崇高的原則還有一些宗教的釋義而奪取另一個人，甚至另一種生物的生命。我相信，在這個時候，大家都在努力地為世界做一些事情。我相信，我們不應該以詛咒，還有殺戮為出發點。在這個時候，我們應該為共存的空間奮鬥下去。

我不知道我們之間任何一個人的明天是怎么樣的。可是就算有一個人走入了歧途還有黑暗之中，我希望你能夠相信你可以把他帶出來，而不是詛咒他，殺死他。如果你認為這個人的思想不正確，那第一件事是溝通。真的不能共存嗎？如果對方是真的在黑暗的那一方，我求你，不要放棄他。不要詛咒他。要盡力的幫助他，因為你可能就是那唯一一個可以救他的人，也可能是唯一一個看到他的錯誤，他的悲痛的人。

我們都有害怕的那一面，都有怕被傷害的那一面。可是，難道東西都不是共存的嗎？請想想，因為有了害怕，所以我們才知道如何勇敢起來。因為有了黑暗，所以我們知道光明的好處。如果，如果。。。如果我們的世界還有社會處於一種沒有毒品，沒有戰爭，沒有乞丐，沒有淪落人士，沒有搶劫，強奸，沒有任何一切罪犯的國度里，我無法想象，那個時候，如果我們向彼此說起‘罪’這一個字的時候，大家都無法明白的搖起頭來的那種情形是多么的悲哀。如果世界里的情侶沒有一個背叛，沒有一個出軌事件，我相信很多人會慢慢的對愛情這一個觀念失去新鮮感，甚至不會珍惜自己的伴侶。難道，你們不是因為你們認為你們遇到了值得讓你犧牲的另一半而開心嗎？就是因為愛情的世界里充滿著背叛，所以當我們找到對的人，對的感覺還有忠誠的另一半，我們都會很感謝上天，很珍惜自己的愛人。

罪惡和我們所謂的‘正道’，是共存的。沒有彼此，彼此都生存不了。

我們，都是風的孩子。在風的輕撫，風的漩渦里，我們見到了暴風雨，見到了黑暗，也見到了遼闊的草原，常綠的山崖。風的孩子們，都見到了共存的重要性，共存的必然性。

我們漂泊，我們奮鬥，我們相信。爲了長吹的風，還有持恒的共存，讓我們都飛翔起來。

City of Devils V - The Awakening

2008-07-23T23:03:00.002+08:00

Man once sang to me
Look at you saving the world on your own
And I wonder how things gonna be
As the time here it passes so slow

The sad guitar riffs go on and on. The streets are crowded with lost hope and misdirection.

I am looking away no more as the angry devils arch over the innocence. I do not seek to throw myself into flames, only that I seek the fire that burns me down when you fall into one and fight me.

Fight me, fight me harsh and fight me real.
Fight me true and with all my will, I will purge you.

Sword unsheathed, sorrows lamented and eyes fixed. The glare is of all but fear.

I will march, when the first distant war cry sounds over the battlefield. And charge forward I shall, in an absolute silent yet confident manner, like a pack of wolves sweeping down from the top of the ancient mogul snow mountains.

Change

2008-07-19T19:00:00.010+08:00

Since when did we forget that the simplest words are the most understandable, and the most comprehensible? Since when are we engulfed by the angry waves of terminology, overwhelming torrents of ------ we are unable to stand our ground by allowing more money spent on the oil prices which have fallen a fourth straight session as fears lingered that record prices are forcing consumers to cut consumption-like ------ words spelt.

We cannot. Because we don't understand a lot of the words you are using. You use ambiguous words, you use political terms which require us to actually flip through the dictionary (dictionaries?) to actually comprehend what you have on your mind. You deceive us with your words, and your words are tossed all around, they are heard everywhere, but nobody cares. The university educated locals don't care because most of them might not even know a shit of what you are bragging about. They only need your money. Local university educated Chinese and Indians are listening, and everytime they listen, they shake their heads, and their hopes lost. We, those who are away from the country, we listen, and we comment. But everytime before our keyboards or pens start to scribble, we think of the three mighty letters: ISA.

Malaysia is not wrong. Malaysian government is not wrong. It's the leaders, the political leaders who we vote for, who we actually vote, and with each vote we think that they will do something for us, because, supposingly, they can!

On the way towards their own pockets and pride, they lost themselves. But we don't care. But you guys fucking make the whole country lost. Nationwide, everybody is scared. We are all afraid, we fear what might come next. We fear one of our future daughters might be raped and killed by one of our leaders, who we actually vote for. We fear that our kids will be forced to succumb under the one and only legitimate religion in the country, which the government legalize for the only wish to assimilate.

We cannot do a thing. Or rather, we fucking won't do anything for a nation that forsakes us.

Today, even a person who always happen to just take the leaders' words for nothing is crying out loud here in Hong Kong. Most of us are in a state of unrest now. The emotions stir as the doom of our own lands seem not far off.

Just watched 3 episodes of 'Change', the latest japanese drama by Takuya Kimura which is based a touching and moving storyline revolving about a primary school teacher being 'accidentally' pushed into the political waves and soon ascend to the chair of Prime Minister. Being an innocent person, he searches his own soul for the real purpose of being a politician. He said he dunno all the terms the politicians use, but he knows that he at least knew something all along: he is on the same line with his people.

When will Malaysians have such a leader? My heart tells me: unlikely to be in the near future. Well, if I gonna make a wish for Malaysia now, I will say this: Anwar, try to change things but you please don't fucking mess things up. You can bring a 180 degrees change to Malaysian politics, but don't just tell us your promises. Do them. And be fair to the minorities.

A nation that does not respect minorities is a nation doomed to go downhill. Look at Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia, Philippines...when we see their economies grow, we can't stop wondering: what the fuck is wrong with our government? What the fuck are they doing?

The fuck is, do they even know? All Malaysians need a change. A change larger than the magnitude of a 10 Richter's scale earthquake.

Wei Zhi the Legend

2008-07-03T00:09:00.001+08:00

You made every one of us smile, with that lame but funny jokes of yours.
You are a goalseeker, though you lose your strength at times, you never lost sight of what you are going to achieve ultimately.
You bring us wonders, instilling hopes and strength and motivation when your best friends need them the most.

Cheers to you, my best friend, Wei Zhi. Today, you mark the 22nd year of your life dedicated to helping your friends and creating a better community. Keep up the effort, dude.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRABSTICK!!

Before you make your wish, let me make mine for you first, hehe. Kinda stealing the limelight, eh? Haha. Well well well, the list goes:

1) Hack the heck!

Yes you definitely need this shit. Trust me. Like what I told you over and over again, you have the POTENTIAL. Just fucking believe in yourself man. You can be a real unbeatable man when you work your arse up to your shoulders. Just don't get it too high into your head. ;-)

2) Wear your tyre off!

Well it actually mean: get healthy by exercising more. Ya ya ya...I know I don't have the right to comment you on this but I just can't help noticing you crab tyre is always three sizes bigger than mine. Work your bones, man! You need the fitness to be an engineer who engineers the world.

3) Hit the bull's eye

Yeap. Get outgoing. Get aggresive. Get adventurous and tackle her. You can do it dude. I am waiting to see you holding a girl's hand dearly for a long long time d you know haha. But...ahem! Don't be a 重色輕友 guy like who you were during the wxyz period or like me lol. Bad examples. Bad, bad, bad.

Haha three wishes are just enough for you dude. I will indeed give you my best wishes on everything. And ya, thanks so much. I never will forget that you ran to your uni lab from your house just to talk to your friend who fell into deep hell. I can never be so thankful in my whole life. I always remember the tears that stay in my eyes that day.

You are the best thing in each and every one of your best friends' lives. So, do your best dude!

Happy 22nd Birthday! Be a man and keep up the effort! ^^

珮甄

2008-06-22T16:40:00.001+08:00

終於明白了，病態的要求你不要分手會讓自己更受傷。所以決定不說了。我們的確也有很多不相襯的地方。我以前想過要分手，到了真的分手的這一刻，我突然很傷感很崩潰。可能習慣了你的存在。當你在我的心中失去了以前的那個稱呼的時候，我也突然失去了重量。

我不會決定什麽。不會像你一樣丟掉我們的東西。我會惦記你。你的味道，你的頭髮，你的可愛笑容。

聽著傷心的歌，想著以後自己在遠走高飛的日子，突然覺得世界只剩下自己。

一直以來自己都是一隻獨狼，天涯海角任自己逛。原來自己的心裡一直都有你在。一直我都想帶著你來著。

以後的日子就做以後打算吧。我是一個流浪人。一直流浪，一直一直，直到天涯海角。也許有一天在我突然想起你的時候我才是已經忘了你吧，可是我沒有忘記，你忘了還我我的心。這是一種刻骨銘心的痛。永遠永遠。

永遠不會遏止。

我一直嘗試讓自己的肉體痛來忘記心中的疼。一天又一天，一天又一天，一天又一天。

直到哪一天飛機降落在一個陌生的所在。

Battling Pain

2008-05-29T12:31:00.003+08:00

Who will prevail??? Me or you???

Lemme tell u something, I basked in the golden fire during my reincarnation in 2004, having endured the most immense heat of my whole life. Since then I know nothing of a combat that will wear me off.

But you are becoming the one who can actually challenge me to my death. Suddenly I feel that I am in a situation similar to Jiraiya. I am fighting you, Pain, who has six different bodies.

May Amaterasu be with me. This will be the toughest war ever. I will never give up, even when I am drawing my last breath I will still make sure my blade inches towards your throat. You may think that I am out of my mind. You may think that I am just another waste that go against you.

But one thing is for sure, no matter what is the outcome, I win, because I have surpassed myself. I have slaughtered four of you today. I will make damn sure I will see the other two of you perish in front of me by Saturday. Mind my words. You have your warning.

Sharingan Upgraded

2008-05-28T23:37:00.002+08:00

Yes, you are not reading wrongly. Weeks after I activated my Sharingan sight, I finally come to realize something is wrong with my sharingan.

Not really that something is wrong. But rather something is burning.

And here it comes, the art of Amaterasu. A black flame which will engulf the enemy till he is burnt to death, just by a glance of the eyes.

But it strains me badly. After I use it I will be rendered physically devastated. How to obtain this art of the eye? Easy. Sleep only like 2 hours per day and fight your battle through endless sleepless nights. When the sky falls dark on you, you will see the dawn of Amaterasu.

Overhaul

2008-05-22T15:47:00.002+08:00

Full concentration required.

Gonna get over those subjects in plain few days. Assignments are pretty much done.

Been a long, long time since I work my bones. And read too. Aiks. Summer gonna be the only way out solution for these.

Exams haven't started but the mind is already on what to do in summer. I should stop dreaming. GOGOGO!

心寒

2008-05-18T23:56:00.003+08:00

自己雖然不喜歡廣東話與廣東人，這裡還是想以廣東話操這位無情的台灣人一句：仆街！屌你老母個西！蛋散！

這篇文章：“有話直說》中國地震，台灣熱乎什麽勁兒？”提出了什麽狗屁東西。。。說如果台灣人今天救了四川的人，以後可能今天所救的人會把台灣人給幹掉。。。這是何其怪異的道理呀？請問這位台灣人，還有那些推薦這篇文章的人們，你們的思維本身是不是出現了巨大的問題？

看得憤怒填膺的時候，也順便瀏覽了其他人的意見，見到了一位另一位台灣仁兄的文章（四川大地震還說風涼話，白目而冷血），覺得甚是有理：“你家鄰居失火了，反正他家存款有幾十億，房子又有保險，反正有燒不到你，所以不關你事？”。看了真是暢然啊。

大家同樣是漢族，我相信中國人也不會任意攻打台灣。想一想，你是中國中央的話，你會隨意向台灣發起戰爭嗎？對雙方不好又對自己大大失利的事情，中國不會做，況且都是自己同胞，福建湖南有著無數台灣人的祖鄉，自己打自己，笑死人了。

前幾天和老朋友談起中國，說起中國情操，他說了一句：“中國其實不把咱們海外華僑當作中國人啊。”，讓我有無數的疑問。是不是我們祖輩離開了中國，血裡面流的不再是屬於華僑的血液了？為什麽當我們把自己當成華人時，卻認不到中國了？我相信我的老友不是其中一個。我們這班海外華人，馬來西亞的，新加坡的，泰國的，印尼的，美國的還有世界各地的，我們沒有自稱華人嗎？我們沒有用普通話抑或中國其中一個方言嗎？我們現在沒有親戚在中國嗎？

當然，活在當下我們是世界村民。我們應該對世界各地受災難所影響的人們伸出援手及關懷，可是畢竟很多時候我們做不到。本人認為，能向自己的同胞，同鄉，祖鄉及現在居住的國家的有需要人士伸出援手盡自己的一份力，已經是非常不簡單了。你們知道嗎，這么久以來，東南亞地區有發生華人大屠殺事件，中國都有偷偷派船隻來接走這些華人？五一三事件，中國有沒有扮演譴責的角色？暗地裡在泰國邊境也有派援，這些事情，馬來西亞政府不會告訴我們。馬來人不會告訴我們。牽涉的太廣，只有當事人才有消息。

老實說，真要這么舉證，我們才能夠去愛中國嗎？真的要刻意學習，我們才會愛中華文化嗎？我的華族同胞們，當我們自稱華族的時候，當我們在用著華語的時候，當我們在說著中華方言的時候，當我們在貢拜著中國道教的神明的時候，不要忘記我們的根。不要在我們被其他民族當成外族欺壓的時候才說，中國啊，幫我們說說話！不要在我們被其他民族欺壓的時候，以自己是華人的名義召集群眾，如果你平時把中國與華族看扁，不認同自己的根源與膚色。

是的，我討厭廣東文化及思想。可是，畢竟一百年以後連香港人也是在說著普通話了。我們都是華裔，都是屬於中華民族的。我們有責任肩負身為一個華人的基本態度及操行。我們有責任從一個人的角度去思考問題。

那些在台灣及其他地方推薦那篇文章的人們，你們最好不要再寫中文了。你們讓我覺得無比的噁心。你們不是華人，也不是台灣人。是的，我們上一代有國民黨及中共之戰，可是那時候何嘗不是各懷鬼胎？今天呢？大家面臨的是整個華族被威脅的命運，還要自搞內訌嗎？也想借此向某些香港居民發表一些意見：你們如果歧視中國，就別叫自己香港人。你們現在已經是在中國境內了。去到外面自稱香港人而厭惡中國人，這種行為太搞笑，太貽笑街坊了。

四川的人們需要我們。大家有錢出錢，有力出力。這裡我以一段視頻結尾。希望大家能盡己所能作出努力。中國加油！！！！！

震

2008-05-17T21:09:00.002+08:00

西川大地震，震醒了中華民族。

看到那么脆弱的混凝鋼筋結構在地震下應聲倒下，看到無數的孩子流的淚，看到無辜死亡的無數生命，我一次又一次的哭了。

歷史上差不多每件天災都涉及土木工程專業。雖然自己以前對土木工程的重要性十分了然，但是今天自己才真正了解自己肩負的責任有多重大。

每每看到溫家寶對營棚里被救出來的孩子們說：“你們能幸存下來，就要好好活下去。”，我就會哽咽，飯都吃不下去。

中國，你是中華民族的柱子與祖地，也是我心系的母國。我會為無數的亡魂祈禱，為自己未來的專業盡最大的努力，學到最好，然後奉獻給你。

中國加油！四川，撐下去！

Sharingan

2008-05-16T12:05:00.003+08:00

24 hours without sleep and a grueling war with the toughest clan on earth didn't seem to wear me out at all.

At the end of the war, after I slaughter the last breathe of my last enemy with my katana, I come to realize that I have come to arm myself with the greatest eye jutsu of all time: the Sharingan.

Yes, the Sharingan. I bet I am the amateur user now as I only have one comma in both eyes. But it feels so real, like an orgasm. The heightened sense of going to war with the feeling that you are faster than anyone.

Yes, the Uchiha legacy will live. The wars that I fought and will fight, will be remember well in the history. The swiftness of the slashes and perfect copy of the smart moves that my enemies take pride in.

And yes, the legacy continues with me.

The Matrix?

2008-05-11T21:29:00.002+08:00

Damn, I am having this thing happening to me again. Sometimes when I am working very hard, even how high-spirited I am, I will suddenly feel so sleepy and I will then lie on the table, falling asleep.

The next thing I would know is there are diagrams from the subject I am reading being forcefully loaded into my brains. I would see self-explanatory notes on the confusing diagrams and data, flipping through my brains according to my own pace. This sensation will last for about half an hour, and when I wake up later, it seems that I can understand the subject intuitively.

I hope someone out there who share the same experience as I do tell me about your own experience as well. Jeez, it really does feel like being in the Matrix.

Some say

2008-05-10T18:53:00.004+08:00

We lost the competition again, by close call. Everytime there will be something that we overlook or it happens that we meet someone who spoils up everything, for this time it is the Mr. Mad Technician of HKUST Concrete Lab who blew up our structure by assuming that the earthquake intensity and frequency for the model testing on his own. Fuck him. Because of him we thought the amplitude of this competition gonna be huge and we actually over-reinforce the structure and what the fuck is, we lose by 3 grams. Mother Lord.

Walking in my campus, wandering aimlessly looking for my lost pride. Where it is? Maybe it's time to...wait, lemme rephrase. It is definitely the time to repick my pride in my results, at least hold on to my scholarship. Yes, it's time.

Some say, we're never meant to grow up, I'm sure they never knew enough. I know the pressure won't go away. It's too late.

Coffee & some thoughts...

2008-05-01T20:23:00.002+08:00

Just realized that lately I had been having a lot of coffee, and now already becoming addicted to its fragrance. Whenever I need to do a huge amount of work, whenever I need to do overnight studying, whenever I feel that my eyelids will drop anytime...yes, I will have coffee. Quite not the me who I use to be. I use to laugh at the effects of coffee because honestly, coffee didn't have any significant effect on me. I guess, I just need the feeling of staying awake and vigilant to cling onto.

Had some thoughts this afternoon:
1) When we try to be fast, we slow ourselves down; why not try to do something with my own heart without considering the speed?
2) something that seems to be absurd and totally unbelievable does not mean it does not and will not happen. What we think is normal, is just the fact that it is normal or not, doesn't mean it won't happen and it is not for good.
3) work hard n harder n harder. i don't deserve a bad grade. do i?

have a nice day everyone...ok, time to work!

20%

2008-04-27T17:21:00.003+08:00

Live for now, live for whatever that is present at this moment, not what is to come.

We will spend a whole 20% of our lives thinking bout the future. That is base on an assumption that one spends about 2 hours thinking bout tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and even ten years later everyday. Isn't that scary?

In war, we fight for what is precious to ourselves. Sometimes, even without knowing it, we are sacrificing every bit of ourselves to protect those that we care about the most.

This is a war. We're all on it. Let us fight it, bravely, and courageously. Be strong, be vigilant, and triumph in every single effort of ourselves which is striving to keep things the way we wish they would be. Let's work the hardest. And, all of my buddies, I believe that we are ready.

Tomorrow comes with what we do today. Live. Live for today and a better tomorrow will come. Fight. Fight for today and a beautiful tomorrow awaits.

輸入法升級！！！微軟的失敗。。。

2008-04-12T17:19:00.001+08:00

昨天晚上挺興奮的，因為發現了兩種新的輸入法，一為谷歌輸入法，一為搜狗輸入法。後來發現原來谷歌輸入法有抄襲搜狗輸入法的跡象，自己在兩個不同公司的實驗室網站看了一下，發現谷歌輸入法的確沒有搜狗的厲害，詞庫方面的導入也優化于谷歌的，感覺也快的很多。雖然發現到谷歌輸入法的妙處，可是用了用搜狗輸入法，發現還是搜狗的妙一些。

好吧，我也就正式介紹大家這個互聯網裡最新的拼音輸入法技術。雖然話說谷歌輸入法不妙還有技術欠佳，可是它還是有一個可以在一面打字一面搜查google網站的特點，也不是全然不行的。可是若是要比起打中文字這一方面，還是搜狗遠遠領先了。

或許有一天谷歌進步了，那可能我會選用那個版本。確實，在任何方面來說，微軟輸入法已經被用者淘汰了。微軟弱勢越來越不妙，有接近崩潰的味道了。

就在此補丁上搜狗輸入法的網址及基本功能解釋吧：

網址：http://pinyin.sogou.com/

1. 超强互联网词库，无所不包

利用搜索引擎技术，根据搜索词生成的输入法互联网词库，能够覆盖所有类别的流行词汇。无论是最新的歌手、电视剧、电影名、游戏名，还是球星、软件名、动漫、歌曲、电视节目，全部一网打尽。

2. 先进的智能组词算法，首选词准确率第一

最新的智能组词算法应用了领先的搜索引擎技术，分析搜索引擎语料库的语言模型，使搜狗输入法的首选词准确率在所有输入法中居第一。

3. 功能强大，兼容多种输入习惯

提供全面的按键设置和外观选择，尽可能适应各种常见输入法的输入习惯，使智能ABC、微软拼音、拼音加加、紫光拼音等输入法的用户都可以轻松上手。

4. 易用性佳，高级功能丰富

通过对输入细节的观察，我们特别设计了许多体贴的功能，ign→ing拼音纠错、网址输入模式、词语联想、自动在线升级词库等为你创造更为流畅的输入体验！

哈哈，就此完結吧。哦，對了，對女生來說可能是個好消息。。。對的，搜狗輸入法擁有皮膚設置！！你可以擁有一個天花亂墜的輸入皮膚，不再是平庸的輸入畫面了。嘿嘿。。。不錯吧。。。去睇睇一下吧。;-)

干涸

2008-03-07T20:04:00.001+08:00

不斷的付出後，心靈逐漸地干涸。在冬天將盡，春天將始的日子裡，我再看見一條披滿荊棘之路。

無數的刺，無數的事。

心靈干涸之前盡所能的努力。只為了生存。

費盡力氣也要逆流而上。務必要如此。

Revival

2008-01-15T12:27:00.000+08:00

Things are getting back to normal, bit by bit. I can definitely feel the air of it. I am sure that next semester gonna be real comeback hit for me.

As my relationship grows towards stability, I am pretty sure I will have a large share of my time dedicated towards my studies and career in the year to come.

GAMBATTE!!!!!!!!

New

2008-01-03T12:08:00.000+08:00

Well hehe guys, i guess i din update for a goddamn long time...so urm, this is sth to review on since a whole new year has commenced and I din actually sit down for a quiet reflection.

Let's see...in the year 2007 i do have great achievements in Spring 2007 and a great summer, for that I met my gf and made two research projects a success. Things turn quite the other way for the other half as immense balancing between heavy work, studies and relationship. Let's just say I got myself trapped, with a clear conscience. And that hurts the most since I am actually feeling the pain, as if being whipped naked.

Life teaches me a lot more. That's what i can say. I changed. The view of politics, family, relationship and career. Well not a big swing but some parts in me were gone. And a part of my heart told me that I missed them. Time moves on. The thing is I get better of it as I love the new self more.

I am a man of darkness. Concealed in darkness always, I search for the meaning of life from time to time. In the past I go after a blink of romance; but for now I search for an eternity of family kind-of love. In the past I achieve for merely achieving; for now I achieve for who I am to be able to achieve. In the new 2008, a lot of huge international political struggles are forecasted, and the storm is sweeping tremendously in my ocean too. Things regretted, things wished, things prepared and things unprecedented. I am preparing myself to get ready. I need time for the mentality to sink in.

Seeing my parents getting old each day, a deep sadness entrench in my weak heart. Hopefully, the time of redemption will come fast as I start to earn myself my own living. At the same time, pouring out love and care to them is more than necessary. I failed to be a respectful son and I failed my mum a lot of times in the past. Hope that in the coming new year I will be able to give myself more to them.

Time flies. Wei zhi is interning in taiwan and my uni second year is going to end by June. Things are getting quite out of hands but they will be under control if a more prepared mind and mentality is summoned. Let's wait for yet another awakening of the dragon in my soul. I want something achieved this time. I hunger for another peak after the decline. This time I swear to go a greater length to do what I am supposed to be doing.

Good luck to all of you who spend not the time (or only a few short hours) with me. Paths are diverged but I think with the same mentality of our gang, we will be converging sooner than we thought, on the road of success and self-satisfaction. Be warned that huge storms are waiting ahead, but I know none of us will be scared. Let's take each other's hands, and march into the vast darkness beyond. God bless us in 2008.

Take care, all my old friends. Time it is for us to fight, fight again and keep fighting. Be it a sacred war or a hated one, we will triumph with our own hands, and build our own solid grounds. Cheers to 2008!!!!!

Life's Prison: the Wrong Turn

2007-12-04T03:38:00.000+08:00

The man who he should be, who he should not be? One righteous confession to the officer brings one into discharge and thus a life of a convict ahead. 90 grands of free ride ticket to the highest of all institutions...a structural engineer who owes his brother the sum which he thought he deserves it all the while?

Well, Prison Break got me grounded these few days. First is the structural engineer's charisma, that I have to agree. Second would be the way they narrate the stories of how a truthful, righteous man turn a single wrong corner, and ended up in Fox River Penitentiary.

Mind it. I have been starting to think about this these few days when I sat down before my comp to watch Prison Break. What would happen to me if one day I were to make the choice that possibly could make me go into the state I never want it to be? I mean if I were jailed for a rightful reason or whatsoever, what will become of my life? More importantly, what would become of my family members?

Michael Scofield has all the blueprints on his body. Even a genius who has low latent reception got overwhelmed by uncertainties. I guess that works in line with life too. Nobody could live life as the way they print it to be. It never will.

Well, I guess the last step I could take when I took a wrong turn is: Do what I feel is best and right to me and the people I am responsible for. But prevention is always better than cure. I just have to mind every step I take and every word I mutter, so that I really mean what I am doing and saying before that little step brought me into the deep mess of wrong turn consequences that I ever have to face.

Hope this will serve as a warning to myself. Let's get it implanted into my head before I wrap myself into my blankets tonight.

Engineers

2007-11-24T02:44:00.000+08:00

Three things, might be all, might be none, might be both of them or might be one of them:

1) Alcohol;
2) Coffee;
3) Cigarette

Oops. I heard from wei zhi that he had one more: potato chips. lol.

These things are those which accompany most of the engineers and engineers-to-be every night when they are designing and solving problems.

Well, I admit it, it's fun though. It's like burning your life, and you feel contented with it.

Since when those two become my partners in handling problems? Well, haha, it's life. I guess I'm finally becoming one of those adults in the anime or movie or whatsoever, without realising it. Really, I have no intention of trailing those 'typical' habits. But just, it's stress relieving.

Let's burn this night through with beer. Cheers!

Equilibrium

2007-11-16T04:52:00.000+08:00

Always it's a question about equilibrium. No matter in structural analysis or studies or relationship.

Another student in my uni committed suicide. It is indeed very sad to see someone took his own life away like that, at a price that no one would be able to bid for. Every student in my uni is excellent. Losing any will cost a great loss to the world, of course.

Well as I am holding a scholarship to study now I understand the stress that guy was undergoing perfectly. It is, indeed, very very very stressful. Especially this semester. Calculations are becoming chaotic, plus I have a LDR to maintain.

Let's see where the path will guide me. Anyhow, I hold on strongly to my beliefs, my efforts and my relationship.

May that be the same with everyone of you out there, my blessed friends. Let's make it through together, all out, but not at the cost of our own lives. Every step of ours counts, so does every breath of ours. Amitabha. Be happy. Be strong. Be confident. Believe, or perish.

KNNABCCB

2007-11-10T04:25:00.001+08:00

KNNABCCB!!! CCB!!!!!! TWO MIDDLE FINGERS UP!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCB!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

KNNABCCB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KNNABCCCCCCB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

每一天都是新的练习

2007-11-04T03:57:00.000+08:00

今天大扫除，加上第一次成功收到阿甄的歌，又找到也成功地download到了Darker than Black的原声带，虽然书没读多少，可是收获却很大。

一直以来在自己的房间住都有种不自在的感觉，大扫除完后感觉不同了。东西放在那里自己有个分寸，终于有种家的感觉，自己习惯自己存在的所在，也有种安定下来的感觉。

听着阿甄的歌，听着听着自己也跟着旋律泛起了一阵淡淡的伤感。对的，每天都是新的练习，要以今天换走昨天的过去。我的期中考有一科考得他妈的像屎一样，其他的科目在mean之上，但是也是不高不矮，他妈的什么成绩。阿甄说得对，选择了爱情，说怎样情绪上与生活上的调整是一定有的，需要的是我们两个把这些影响控制到怎样的程度而已。

今天是新的开始。好的开始。有一种感觉说我从现在开始会得心应手，也会开始幸运。就算不是，也要酱告诉自己。唯有正面的想法会引导我们走向正面的人生。

Youko Kanno的jazz深深地抓住了我。在她的音乐中我找到感触，random的想法及突然爆发的愁绪与伤感。第一次爱上jazz，不是故意的去听与尝试去喜欢，而是不知不觉地被Darker than black的故事与节奏俘虏去了。说起来，Darker than black是一部陪我走过有一段日子的动画。第一集，我还记得是在SU看的，那时大概深夜三点多吧。莫名其妙的在等死亡笔记的download时发现了这部动画的名字怪有感觉的，就下载了一集来看，一看就喜欢上了。我还有一个深深的印象，那几个我在追Darker than black前几集的晚上我都是在SU的房里，都是在深夜；也是我第一次与阿甄真正聊天而在彼此心目中留下了幽默谈话内容的几晚。Darker than black的故事与其意义，音乐，还有每次在深夜看完后与阿甄的聊天在这近半年以来可以说令到我的生活有了几乎180度的转变：从苦恋到热恋，从孤独奋战到拥有彼此，从旧的梦想到新的里程碑，还有无数生活细节上的改变，一言难尽。

故事的主人翁到最后选择了契约者的能力与正常人的情绪的并存。这个选择是无比的痛苦与残忍的，因为两者一开始就不能并存。这条路一选下去就有无数难以意料的后果。可是主人翁说：我决定了。从今天开始我不再是以前的我了。然后他就隐埋闹市，遁逃尘间。

我何尝不是一样。选择了学业和远距离恋爱。两者一直以来都很少并存的例子，况且自己的学业又非常地不轻松，现在肩上又负上了一个重担，随时会吃不过力来。

在Youko Kanno的音乐里游思的刹那，我慢慢的进入了‘黑‘的世界。一段时间后恍然，轻轻地告诉自己：从今天开始我不再是以前的我了。

你可以选择不叫我义龙，我真的不怎么理会。我现在的存在是一种全然的蜕新。我的生活是全然另一套法则了。

每一天都是新的练习，锻炼自己，建立新的人生与世界。我是否与'黑‘一样会走到尽头，那得靠自己的斗志了。当然，还有不断地相信自己的运气常伴身旁。相信。

曾几何时我也变成了契约者了。好，契约者有的就是理智。

Darkness, and Rain

2007-10-31T04:04:00.000+08:00

The tunes brought forth the feelings of yesterday, now and tomorrow. What if we don't have what we had yesterday and what we gonna have the next second?

I still remember what I told wei zhi: Every person lives with an ultimate dream to achieve, but at the same time also living towards the ultimate goal of having no dream at all.

No matter whatever will the weather be in the next minute, my world is raining. Drops of jupiter in the first minute; tears in the next, following with laughters of satisfaction. A loop, slowly converging with age.

Hong Kong rained a few hours back. I still have a chance to beg for a clear blue sky at 10 am later. What's best will come on its own. I'm taking exam as how my destiny take me as who I am before, now and after.

Dreams dream a dream of my dream. Illusion? Nay. It's just you, it's just me, it's just whoever that might be.

钟声

2007-10-24T22:00:00.000+08:00

今天，我开始沉淀：需要严肃，需要严谨，需要次序。

周杰伦的钢琴停留在他不可说的秘密里；

冷咖啡。。。我不喝咖啡。倒有喝啤酒。渐渐温了的啤酒，在它的气泡随空气而消失时，我突然惊恐，自己迷糊地过了多少时间。

要我怎么捡；唯有从零开始的脚步。啤酒离开了杯垫，我依然留在我的桌上，揣摩公式。今天，我要爆发。

现在。